The Jest Book Part 66

MCLXXII.--VERY SHOCKING, IF TRUE.

AT a dinner-party, one of the guests used his knife improperly in eating. At length a wag asked aloud: "Have you heard of poor L----'s sad affair? I met him at a party yesterday, when to our great horror, he suddenly took up the knife, and----" "Good heavens!" interposed one of the ladies; "and did he cut his throat?"--"Why no," answered the relator, "he did not cut his throat with his knife; but we all expected he would, for he actually _put it up to his mouth_."

MCLXXIII.--IMPOSSIBLE IN THE EVENING.

THEODORE HOOK, about to be proposed a member of the Phoenix Club, inquired when they met. "Every Sat.u.r.day evening during the winter," was the answer. "Evening? O then," said he, "I shall never make a Phoenix, _for I can't rise from the fire_."

MCLXXIV.--A GOOD APPEt.i.tE.

A n.o.bLEMAN had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. "Frank," said he, one day, "tell me how many loins you could eat?" "Ah, my lord, as for loins, not many; five or six at most."--"And how many legs of mutton?"--"Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many; seven or eight, perhaps."--"And fatted pullets?"--"Ah, as for pullets, my lord, not many; not more than a dozen."--"And pigeons?"--"Ah, as for pigeons, not many; perhaps forty--fifty at most--according to appet.i.te."--"And larks?"--"Ah, as for that, my lord--little larks--_for ever_, my lord--_for ever_!"

MCLXXV.--SHORT-SIGHTED.

DEAN COWPER, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind, remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than "that bottle."--"I do not wonder at it at all, sir," replied a minor canon, "for _we_ have seen no more than 'that bottle' all the afternoon."

MCLXXVI.--AN ADVANTAGEOUS t.i.tHE.

A'BECKETT once said, "It seems that anything likely to have an _annual increase_ is liable to be t.i.thed. Could not Lord S----, by virtue of this liability, contrive to get rid of a part of his stupidity?"

MCLXXVI I.--TRUTH _versus_ POLITENESS.

AT a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was presiding "Hoped the tea was good."--"Very good, indeed, madam," was the general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs, who, between truth and politeness observed, "That the _tea_ was _excellent_, but the _water_ was _smoky_!"

MCLXXVIII.--A NEW VIEW.

SOME people have a notion that villany ought to be _exposed_, though we must confess we think it a thing that deserves a _hiding_.

MCLXXIX.--THE ONE-SPUR HORSEMAN.

A STUDENT riding being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said that if _one_ side of his horse went on, it was not likely that the _other_ would stay behind.

[This is, no doubt, the original of the well-known pa.s.sage in Hudibras,--

"For Hudibras wore but one spur; As wisely knowing, could he stir To active trot one side of 's horse," &c.]

MCLx.x.x.--A PHILOSOPHICAL REASON.

A SCHOLAR was asked why a black hen laid a white egg. He answered, "_Unum contrarium expellit alterum_."

MCLx.x.xI.--A PLAY UPON WORDS.

A POACHER was carried before a magistrate upon a charge of killing game unlawfully in a n.o.bleman's park, where he was caught in the fact. Being asked what he had to say in his defence, and what proof he could bring to support it, he replied, "May it please your worship, I know and confess that I was found in his lordship's park, as the witness has told you, but I can bring the whole parish to prove that, for the last thirty years, it has been my _manner_."

MCLx.x.xII.--JEMMY GORDON.

JEMMY GORDON, the well-known writer of many a _theme_ and _declamation_ for _varmint-men_, alias _non-reading_ Cantabs, having been complimented by an acquaintance on the result of one of his _themes_, to which the prize of a certain college was awarded, quaintly enough replied, "It is no great credit to be first in an _a.s.s-race_."

MCLx.x.xIII.--SETTING UP AND SITTING DOWN.

SWIFT was one day in company with a young c.o.xcomb, who, rising from his chair, said, with a conceited and confident air, "I would have you to know, Mr. Dean, I set up for a wit."--"Do you, indeed," replied the Dean; "Then take my advice, and _sit down again_."

MCLx.x.xIV.--A SETTLED POINT.

"A REFORMED Parliament," exclaimed a Conservative the other day, "will never do for this country."--"No! but an _unreformed_ would, and that quickly," replied a bystander.

MCLx.x.xV.--JOLLY COMPANIONS.

A MINISTER in Aberdeenshire, sacrificed so often and so freely to the jolly G.o.d, that the presbytery could no longer overlook his proceedings, and summoned him before them to answer for his conduct. One of his elders, and constant companion in his social hours, was cited as a witness against him. "Well, John, did you ever see the Rev. Mr. C---- the worse of drink?"--"Weel, a wat no; I've monyatime seen him the better o't, but I ne'er saw him the waur o't."--"But did you never see him drunk?"--"That's what I'll ne'er see; for before he be _half slockened_, I'm ay' _blind fu'_."

MCLx.x.xVI.--PAYING IN KIND.

A CERTAIN Quaker slept at a hotel in a certain town. He was supplied with two wax candles. He retired early, and, as he had burned but a small part of the candles, he took them with him into his bedroom. In the morning, finding he was charged 2s. in his bill for wax candles, instead of fees to the waiter and chambermaid, he _gave to each a wax candle_.

MCLx.x.xVII.--A FULL HOUSE.

"WHAT plan," said an actor to another, "shall I adopt to fill the house at my benefit?"--"_Invite your creditors_," was the surly reply.

MCLx.x.xVIII.--RATHER THE WORST HALF.

ON one occasion a lad, while at home for the holidays, complained to his mother that a schoolfellow who slept with him took up half the bed. "And why not?" said the mother; "he's ent.i.tled to half, isn't he!"--"Yes, mother," rejoined her son; "but how would you like to have him take out all the soft for his half? He will have _his_ half out of the middle, and I have to sleep _both_ sides of him!"

MCLx.x.xIX.--FORCE OF HABIT.

A SERVANT of an old maiden lady, a patient of Dr. Poole, formerly of Edinburgh, was under orders to go to the doctor every morning to report the state of her health, how she had slept, &c., with strict injunctions _always_ to add, "with her compliments." At length, one morning the girl brought this extraordinary message: "Miss S----'s _compliments_, and she de'ed last night at aicht o'clock!"

MCXC.--A WONDERFUL SIGHT.

A JOLLY Jack-tar having strayed into Atkins's show at Bartholomew Fair, to have a look at the wild beasts, was much struck with the sight of a lion and a tiger in the same den. "Why, Jack," said he to a messmate, who was chewing a quid in silent amazement, "I shouldn't wonder if next year they were to carry about a _sailor and a marine living peaceably together_!"--"Aye," said his married companion, "or a _man and wife_."