The Jest Book Part 61

"AN attorney," says Sterne, "is the same thing to a barrister that an apothecary is to a physician, with this difference, that your lawyer does not deal in _scruples_."

MLx.x.x.--GAMBLING.

I NEVER by chance hear the rattling of dice that it doesn't sound to me like the funeral bell of a whole family.--D.J.

MLx.x.xI.--SWEEPS.

WE feel for climbing boys as much as anybody can do; but what is a climbing boy in a chimney to a full-grown suitor in the Master's office!

MLx.x.xII.--SELF-CONCEIT.

HAIL, charming power of self-opinion!

For none are slaves in thy dominion; Secure in thee, the mind's at ease, The _vain_ have only _one_ to please.

MLx.x.xIII.--JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD.

FORMERLY, it was customary, on emergencies, for the Judges to swear affidavits at their dwelling-houses. Smith was desired by his father to attend a Judge's chambers for that purpose; but being engaged to dine in Russell Square, at the next house to Mr. Justice Holroyd's, he thought he might as well save himself the disagreeable necessity of leaving the party at eight, by despatching his business at once, so, a few minutes before six, he boldly knocked at the Judge's and requested to speak to him on particular business. The Judge was at dinner, but came down without delay, swore the affidavit, and then gravely asked what was the pressing necessity that induced our friend to disturb him at that hour.

As Smith told his story, he raked his invention for a lie, but finding none fit for the purpose, he blurted out the truth: "The fact is, my Lord, I am engaged to _dine_ at the next house--and--and----"--"And, sir, you thought you might as well _save_ your own dinner by _spoiling_ mine?"--"Exactly so, my Lord; but----"--"Sir, I wish you a good evening." Though Smith brazened the matter out, he said he never was more frightened.

MLx.x.xIV.--A GOOD INVESTMENT.

AN English journal lately contained the following announcement: "_To be sold_, one hundred and thirty lawsuits, the property of an attorney retiring from business. N.B. The clients are rich and obstinate."

MLx.x.xV.--THE AGED YOUNG LADY.

AN old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said that she was but _forty_ years old. A student who sat near observed, that it must be quite true, for he had heard her repeat the same for the last _ten years_.

MLx.x.xVI--KEEPING TIME.

A GENTLEMAN at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, "How he should stir the fire without interrupting the music."--"_Between the bars_," replied the friend.

MLx.x.xVII.--ENTERING THE LISTS.

THE Duke of B----, who was to have been one of the knights of the Eglinton tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse himself, on the ground of an attack of the gout. "How," said he, "could I ever get my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots?"--"It will be quite as appropriate," replied Hook, "if your grace goes in your _list_ shoes."

MLx.x.xVIII.--NOT IMPORTUNATE.

MRS. ROBISON (widow of the eminent professor of natural philosophy) having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had accepted, with the reservation, "If I am spared."--"Weel, weel," said Mrs. Robison, "if ye're _dead_ I'll no' expect ye."

MLx.x.xIX.--WITTY COWARD.

A FRENCH marquis having received several blows with a stick, which he never thought of resenting, a friend asked him, "How he could reconcile it with his honor to suffer them to pa.s.s without notice?"--"Pooh!"

replied the marquis, "I never trouble my head with anything that pa.s.ses behind my back."

MXC.--PRIORITY.

AN old Scotch domestic gave a capital reason to his _young_ master for his being allowed to do as he liked: "Ye need na find faut wi' me, Maister Jeems, _I hae been langer about the place than yersel'_."

MXCI.--SHOULD NOT SILENCE GIVE CONSENT?

A LAIRD of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of c.u.mnock, where a proposal was made to erect a new churchyard wall. He met the proposition with the dry remark, "I never big d.y.k.es till the _tenants_ complain."

MXCII.--CHARACTERISTICS.

THE late Dr. Brand was remarkable for his spirit of contradiction. One extremely cold morning, in the month of January, he was addressed by a friend with,--"It is a very cold morning, doctor."--"I don't know that,"

was the doctor's observation, though he was at the instant covered with _snow_. At another time he happened to dine with some gentlemen. The doctor engrossed the conversation almost entirely to himself, and interlarded his observations with Greek and Latin quotations, to the annoyance of the company. A gentleman of no slight erudition, seated next the doctor, remarked to him, "that he ought not to quote so much, as many of the party did not understand it."--"And _you are one_ of them," observed the learned bear.

MXCIII.--AN ERROR CORRECTED.

JERROLD was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of his friends. This friend heard that Jerrold had expressed his disappointment.

_Friend_ (to Jerrold).--I hear you said ---- was the worst book I ever wrote.

_Jerrold._--No, I didn't. I said it was the worst book anybody ever wrote.

MXCIV.--A MYSTERY CLEARED UP.

W----, they say, is bright! yet to discover The fact you vainly in St. Stephen's sit.

But hold! _Extremes will meet_: the marvel's over; His very _dulness_ is the _extreme_ of wit.

MXCV.--BRAHAM AND KENNEY.

THE pride of some people differs from that of others. Mr. Bunn was pa.s.sing through Jermyn Street, late one evening, and seeing Kenney at the corner of St. James's Church, swinging about in a nervous sort of manner, he inquired the cause of his being there at such an hour. He replied, "I have been to the St. James's Theatre, and, do you know, I really thought Braham was a much prouder man than I find him to be." On asking why, he answered, "I was in the green-room, and hearing Braham say, as he entered, 'I am really _proud_ of my pit to-night,' I went and counted it, and there were but _seventeen_ people in it."

MXCVI.--HOW TO ESCAPE TAXATION.

"I WOULD," says Fox, "a tax devise That shall not fall on me."

"Then tax _receipts_," Lord North replies, "For those you _never_ see."

MXCVII.--A BED OF--WHERE?