The Jest Book Part 57

MVIII.--HENRY ERSKINE.

MR. HENRY ERSKINE (brother of Lord Buchan and Lord Erskine), after being presented to Dr. Johnson by Mr. Boswell, and having made his bow, slipped a shilling into Boswell's hand, whispering that it was for the sight of his _bear_.

MIX.--EPITAPH ON A MISER.

READER, beware immoderate love of pelf, Here lies the worst of thieves,--who robbed himself.

MX.--SMART REPLY.

SOME schoolboys meeting a poor woman driving a.s.ses, one of them said to her, "Good morning, mother of a.s.ses."--"Good morning, my child," was the reply.

MXI.--CALUMNY.

GEORGE THE THIRD once said to Sir J. Irwin, a famous _bon-vivant_, "They tell me, Sir John, you love a _gla.s.s_ of wine."--"Those, sire, who have so reported me to your Majesty," answered he, bowing profoundly, "do me great injustice; they should have said,--_a bottle_!"

MXII.--LOVE.

THEY say love's like the measles,--all the worse when it comes late in life.--D.J.

MXIII.--ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.

A VERY plain actor being addressed on the stage, "My lord, you _change_ countenance"; a young fellow in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, _let him_!"

MXIV.--TOO FAST.

TWO travellers were robbed in a wood, and tied to trees. One of them in despair exclaimed, "O, I am undone!"--"Are you?" said the other joyfully; "then I wish you'd come and _undo me_."

MXV.--A REVERSE JOKE.

A SOLDIER pa.s.sing through a meadow, a large mastiff ran at him, and he stabbed the dog with a bayonet. The master of the dog asked him why he had not rather struck the dog with the b.u.t.t-end of his weapon? "So I should," said the soldier, "if he had run at me with his _tail_!"

MXVI.--A TRANSPORTING SUBJECT.

THE subject for the Chancellor's English Prize Poem, for the year 1823, was _Australasia_ (New Holland). This happened to be the subject of conversation at a party of Johnians, when, some observing that they thought it a bad subject, one of the party remarked, "It was at least a _transporting_ one."

MXVII.--HARD-WARE.

A FEW years ago, when Handel's L'Allegro and Il Penseroso were performed at Birmingham, the pa.s.sage most admired was,--

Such notes, as warbled to the string, Drew _iron tears_ down Pluto's cheek.

The great manufacturers and mechanics of the place were inconceivably delighted with this idea, because they had never heard of anything _in iron_ before that could not be made at Birmingham.

MXVIII.--PAINTING AND MEDICINE.

A PAINTER of very middling abilities turned doctor: on being questioned respecting this change, he answered, "In painting, all faults are _exposed_ to view; but in medicine, they are _buried_ with the patient."

MXIX.--DOGMATISM

IS pupyism come to its full growth.--D.J.

MXX.--SALAD.

TO make this condiment your poet begs The pounded yellow of two hard boiled eggs; Two boiled potatoes, pa.s.sed through kitchen-sieve, Smoothness and softness to the salad give; Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl, And, half-suspected, animate the whole.

Of mordant mustard add a single spoon, Distrust the condiment that bites too soon; But deem it not, thou man of herbs, a fault, To add a double quant.i.ty of salt.

And, lastly, o'er the flavored compound toss A magic soup-spoon of anchovy sauce.

O green and glorious!--O herbaceous treat!

'T would tempt the dying anchorite to eat; Back to the world he'd turn his fleeting soul, And plunge his fingers in the salad-bowl!

Serenely full, the epicure would say, "Fate cannot harm me, I have dined to-day!"

MXXI.--ACTOR.

A MEMBER of one of the dramatic funds was complaining of being obliged to retire from the stage with an income of only one hundred and fifty pounds a year, upon which an old officer, on half-pay, said to him: "A comedian has no reason to complain, whilst a man like me, crippled with wounds, is content with half that sum."--"What!" replied the actor; "and do you reckon as nothing the honor of being able to _say so_?"

MXXII.--EPIGRAM.

THAT Lord ---- owes nothing, one safely may say, For his creditors find he has nothing to pay.

MXXIII.--CANDID ON BOTH SIDES.

"I RISE for information," said a member of the legislative body. "I am very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man _wants_ it more."

MXXIV.--CARROTS CLa.s.sICALLY CONSIDERED.

WHY scorn red hair? The Greeks, we know (I note it here in charity), Had taste in beauty, and with them The Graces were all [Greek: Charitai]!

MXXV.--DOING HOMAGE.

RETURNING from hunting one day, George III. entered affably into conversation with his wine-merchant, Mr. Carbonel, and rode with him side by side a considerable way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and watching an opportunity, took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered something to him. "What's that? what's that Walsingham has been saying to you?" inquired the good-humored monarch. "I find, sir, I have been unintentionally guilty of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought to have taken off my hat whenever I addressed your Majesty; but your Majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a very high-spirited horse, so that if anything _goes off_ we must _all go off together_!" The king laughed heartily at this apology.