The Jest Book Part 55

CMLXXI.--QUANTUM SUFF.

IN former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lady mounted behind him on horseback. On crossing the river Urr, the old lady dropped off, but was not missed till her husband reached his door. The party who were despatched in quest of her, arrived just in time to find her remonstrating with the advancing tide, which trickled into her mouth, in these words, "No anither drap; neither _het nor cauld_."

CMLXXII.--LAMB AND SHARP SAUCE.

A RETIRED cheesemonger, who hated any allusions to the business that had enriched him, said to Charles Lamb, in course of discussion on the Poor-Laws, "You must bear in mind, sir, that I have got rid of that sort of stuff which you poets call the 'milk of human kindness.'" Lamb looked at him steadily, and replied, "Yes, I am aware of that,--you turned it all into _cheese_ several years ago!"

CMLXXIII.--AN IRISHMAN'S PLEA.

"ARE you guilty, or not guilty?" asked the clerk of arraigns of a prisoner the other day. "An' sure now," said Pat, "what are _you_ put there for but to find that out?"

CMLXXIV.--ACCOMMODATING.

A MAN in a pa.s.sion spoke many scurrilous words; a friend being by, said, "You speak foolishly." He answered, "_It is that you may understand me_."

CMLXXV.--GENEROSITY AND PRUDENCE.

FRANK, who will any friend supply, Lent me ten guineas.--"Come," said I, "Give me a pen, it is but fair You take my note." Quoth he, "Hold there; Jack! to the cash I've bid adieu;-- No need to waste my paper too."

CMLXXVI.--ODD REASON.

A CELEBRATED wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he was much attached. "I know not" he replied, "except the _great regard_ we have for each other."

CMLXXVII.--VERY EVIDENT.

GARRICK and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscription: "A GOES KOORED HEAR."--"How is it possible," said Rigby, "that such people as these can cure agues?"--"I do not know," replied Garrick, "what their prescription is,--but _it is not by a spell_."

CMLXXVIII.--OMINOUS, VERY!

A JOLLY good fellow had an office next to a doctor's. One day an elderly gentleman of the foggy school blundered into the wrong shop: "Dr. X---- in?"--"Don't live here," says P----, who was in full scribble over some important papers, without looking up. "Oh, I thought this was his office."--"Next door."--"Pray, sir, can you tell me, has the doctor many patients?"--"_Not living_!" The old gentleman was never more heard of in the vicinity.

CMLXXIX.--A REVERSE.

AN Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house he occupied, answered, "If the house were turned _topsy-turvy_, I'd be livin' on the first flure."

CMLx.x.x.--ON AN M.P. WHO RECENTLY GOT HIS ELECTION AT THE SACRIFICE OF HIS POLITICAL CHARACTER.

HIS degradation is complete, His name with loss of honor branding: When he resolved to win his seat He literally lost his standing.

CMLx.x.xI.--MUSICAL TASTE.

A LATE n.o.ble statesman, more famous for his wit than his love of music, being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason for it that his brother, the Bishop of W----, did: "Oh," replied his lordship, "if I was as _deaf_ as my brother, I would subscribe too."

CMLx.x.xII.--LINGUAL INFECTION.

A FASHIONABLE Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about Cheltenham, was observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his tongue out as he went along. Curran, who was there, was asked what he thought could be his countryman's motive for giving the instrument of eloquence such an airing. "Oh!" said he, "he's trying _to catch_ the English accent."

CMLx.x.xIII.--PORSON _versus_ DR. JOWETT.

DR. JOWETT, who was a _small_ man, was permitted by the head of his college to cultivate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to some _jeux d'esprit_ among the wags of the University, which induced him to alter it into a plot of gravel, and Porson burst forth with the following extemporaneous lines:--

A _little_ garden _little_ Jowett made, And fenced it with a _little_ palisade; Because this garden made a _little_ talk, He changed it to a _little_ gravel walk; And now, if more you'd know of _little_ Jowett, A _little_ time, it will a _little_ show it.

CMLx.x.xIV.--BREVITY OF CHARITY.

BREVITY is in writing what charity is to all other virtues.

Righteousness is worth nothing without the one, nor authorship without the other.

CMLx.x.xV.--HIGH GAMING.

BARON N., once playing at cards, was guilty of an _odd trick_; on which his opponent threw him out of the window of a one-pair-of-stairs room.

The baron meeting Foote complained of this usage, and asked what he should do? "Do," says the wit, "never play _so high_ again as long as you live."

CMLx.x.xVI.--HARD OF DIGESTION.

QUIN had been dining, and his host expressed his regret that he could offer no more wine, as he had lost the key of his wine-cellar. While the coffee was getting ready the host showed his guest some natural curiosities, and among the rest an ostrich. "Do you know, sir, that this bird has one very remarkable property--he will swallow iron?"--"Then very likely," said Quin, "he has swallowed the _key_ of your _wine-cellar_!"

CMLx.x.xVII.--A MONSTER.

SYDNEY SMITH said that "the Court of Chancery was like a boa-constrictor, which swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen in haste, and digested them at leisure."

CMLx.x.xVIII.--SAILOR'S WEDDING.

A JACK-TAR just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony, but at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between them to pay the fees: on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the sleeve of his ca.s.sock, exclaimed, "Never mind, brother, marry us as _far as it will go_."

CMLx.x.xIX.--QUID PRO QUO.

SMITH and Brown, running opposite ways round a corner, struck each other. "Oh dear!" says Smith, "how you made my head ring!"--"That's a sign it's hollow," said Brown. "Didn't yours _ring_?" said Smith. "No,"

said Brown. "That's a sign it's _cracked_," replied his friend.