The Jest Book Part 47

DCCCx.x.x.--REPUTATION.

REPUTATION is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock.

DCCCx.x.xI.--AN UNFORTUNATE LOVER.

IT was asked by a scholar why Master Thomas Hawkins did not marry Miss Blagrove; he was answered, "He couldn't _master_ her, so he _missed_ her."

DCCCx.x.xII.--EPIGRAM.

THE jolly members of a toping club Like pipe-staves are, but hooped into a tub; And in a close confederacy link For nothing else, but only to hold drink.

DCCCx.x.xIII.--A BAD LOT.

THE household furniture of an English barrister, then recently deceased, was being sold, in a country town, when one neighbor remarked to another that the stock of goods and chattels appeared to be extremely scanty, considering the rank of the lawyer, their late owner. "It is so," was the reply; "but the fact is, he had very few _causes_, and therefore could not have many _effects_."

DCCCx.x.xIV.--FILIAL AFFECTION.

TWO ladies who inhabit Wapping were having some words together on the pavement, when the daughter of one of them popped her head out of the door, and exclaimed "Hurry, mother, and call _her a thief_ before she calls you one."

DCCCx.x.xV.--LEG WIT.

ONE night Erskine was hastening out of the House of Commons, when he was stopped by a member going in, who accosted him, "Who's up, Erskine?"--"Windham," was the reply. "What's he on?"--"_His legs_,"

answered the wit.

DCCCx.x.xVI.--EPIGRAM ON DR. GLYNN'S BEAUTY.

"THIS morning, quite dead, Tom was found in his bed, Although he was hearty last night; 'Tis thought having seen Dr. Glynn in a dream, The poor fellow died of affright."

DCCCx.x.xVII.--A SINECURE.

ONE Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a place of all work; and his friends, who called to congratulate him, were very much astonished to see his face lengthened on the receipt of the news. "A sinecure is it?" exclaimed Pat. "Sure I know what a _sinecure_ is: it's a place where there's _nothing to do_, and they _pay you by the piece_."

DCCCx.x.xVIII.--A GOOD JAIL DELIVERY.

BROTHER DAVID DEWAR was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they might be to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called upon to give his vote in the choice of a chaplain from the licentiates of the Established Kirk. The party who had gained the confidence of the Board had proved rather an indifferent preacher in a charge to which he had previously been appointed; and on David being asked to signify his a.s.sent to the choice of the Board, he said, "Weel, I've no objections to the man, for I understand he preached _a kirk toom_ (empty) already, and if he be as successful _in the jail_, he'll maybe preach it vawcant as weel."

DCCCx.x.xIX.--WHERE IS THE AUDIENCE?

THE manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts, and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the question of, "Why, good gracious, where's the audience?"--"Sir," replied the prompter, without moving a muscle, "he is just now gone to get some beer." The manager wiped the perspiration from his brow and said, "Will he _return_ do you think?"--"Most certainly; he expresses himself highly satisfied with the play, and applauded as one man."--"_Then let business proceed_," exclaimed the manager, proudly; and it did proceed.

DCCCXL.--KNOWING BEST.

"I WISH, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that you were St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could let me in."--"By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better for you that I had the keys of the _other_ place, for then I could let _you out_."

DCCCXLI.--AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES.

THE late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy what was meant in the Catechism by _succoring_ his father and mother.

"_Giving on 'em milk_," was the prompt reply.

DCCCXLII.--PARLIAMENTARY REPRIMAND.

IN the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a reprimand from the Speaker, on his knees. As he rose from the ground, with the utmost _nonchalance_ he took out his handkerchief, and, wiping his knees, cooly observed, "that it was the _dirtiest_ house he had ever been in in his life."

DCCCXLIII.--A STOP WATCH.

A GENTLEMAN missing his watch in a crowd at the theatre, observed, with great coolness, that he should certainly recover it, having bought it of a friend who had _introduced it to the particular acquaintance of every p.a.w.nbroker within the Bills of Mortality_.

DCCCXLIV.--SIR ANTHONY MALONE.

LORD MANSFIELD used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone, some years ago Attorney-General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his profession, and so well skilled in the practice of conveyancing that no person ever entertained the least doubt of the validity of a t.i.tle that had undergone his inspection; on which account he was generally applied to by men of property in transactions of this nature. It is, however, no less singular than true, that such was the carelessness and inattention of this great lawyer in matters of this sort that related to himself, that he made two bad bargains, for want only of the same attentive examination of the writings for which he was celebrated, in one of which he lost property to the amount of three thousand pounds a year.

Disturbed by these losses, whenever for the future he had a mind to purchase an estate for himself, he gave the original writings to his princ.i.p.al clerk, who made a correct transcript of them; this transcript was then handed to Sir Anthony, and five guineas (his fee) along with it, which was regularly _charged to him by the clerk_. Sir Anthony then went over the deeds with his accustomed accuracy and discernment, and never after that was possessed of a bad t.i.tle.

DCCCXLV.--THE ORATORS.

TO wonder now at Balaam's a.s.s, is weak; Is there a day that a.s.ses do not speak?

DCCCXLVI.--MODERN ACTING.

JERROLD was told that a certain well-puffed tragedian, who has a husky voice, was going to act Cardinal Wolsey,

_Jerrold._--"Cardinal Wolsey!--Linsey Wolsey!"

DCCCXLVII.--FEW FRIENDS.

A n.o.bLEMAN, extremely rich but a miser, stopping to change horses at Athlone, the carriage was surrounded by paupers, imploring alms, to whom he turned a deaf ear, and drew up the gla.s.s. A ragged old woman, going round to the other side of the carriage, bawled out, in the old peer's hearing, "Please you, my lord, just chuck _one_ tin-penny out of your coach, and I'll answer it will trait _all your friends_ in Athlone."

DCCCXLVIII.--DIFFIDENCE.

AN Irishman charged with an a.s.sault, was asked by the judge whether he was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have _heard the evidence_?"