The Jest Book Part 44

DCCLXXVI.--NIGHT AND MORNING.

AN industrious tradesman having taken a new apprentice, awoke him at a very early hour on the first morning, by calling out that the family were sitting down to table. "Thank you," said the boy, as he turned over in the bed to adjust himself for a new nap; "thank you, I never eat anything during _the night_!"

DCCLXXVII.--FULL INSIDE.

CHARLES LAMB, one afternoon, in returning from a dinner-party, took his seat in a crowded omnibus, when a stout gentleman subsequently looked in and politely asked, "All full inside?"--"I don't know how it may be, sir, with the _other_ pa.s.sengers," answered Lamb, "but that last piece of oyster-pie did the business for _me_."

DCCLXXVIII.--A SHORT JOURNEY.

AN old clergyman one Sunday, at the close of the sermon, gave notice to the congregation that in the course of the week he expected to go on a mission to the heathen. One of his parishioners, in great agitation, exclaimed, "Why, my dear sir, you have never told us one word of this before; what shall we do?"--"O, brother," said the parson, "I don't expect to _go out_ of this town."

DCCLXXIX.--A POSER BY LORD ELLENBOROUGH.

DURING the Chief-Justiceship of the late Lord Ellenborough there was a horse-cause, to which a certain Privy Councillor was a party, and who, as of right, took his seat upon the bench at the hearing, and there (while his adversary's counsel told his tale) ventured a whisper of remark to the Chief Justice. "If you again _address me_, Sir W----, I shall give you in custody of the Marshal." It was a settler for him, and, as it turned out, of his cause; for he lost it, and most justly too.

DCCLx.x.x.--EPIGRAM.

CRIES Sylvia to a Reverend Dean, "What reason can be given, Since marriage is a holy thing, That there are none in Heaven?"

"There are no women," he replied.

She quick returns the jest,-- "Women there are, but I'm afraid They cannot find a priest."

DCCLx.x.xI.--AN ARTISTIC TOUCH.

WHEN Moore was getting his portrait painted by Newton, Sydney Smith, who accompanied the poet, said to the artist, "Couldn't you contrive to throw into his face somewhat of a stronger expression of _hostility_ to the Church Establishment?"

DCCLx.x.xII.--VALUE OF APPLAUSE.

SOME one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessary to actors, as it gave them confidence. "More," replied the actress; "it gives us _breath_."

DCCLx.x.xIII.--LITTLE TO GIVE.

A STINGY husband threw off the blame of the rudeness of his children in company, by saying that his wife always "Gives them their own way."--"Poor things!" was the prompt response, "it's _all_ I have to _give them_."

DCCLx.x.xIV.--A GOOD SWIMMER.

A FOOLISH scholar having almost been drowned in his first attempt at swimming, vowed that he would never _enter_ the water again until he was a complete master of the art.

[A similar story is told of a pedant by Hierocles.]

DCCLx.x.xV.--NO PRIDE.

A DENIZEN of the good city of St. Andrews, long desirous of being elected deacon of his craft, after many years of scheming and bowing, at last attained the acme of his ambition, and while the oaths of office were being administered to him, a number of waggish friends waited outside to "trot him out," but the sequel convinced them this was unnecessary. On emerging from the City Hall, with thumbs stuck in the armlets of his vest, with head erect, and solemn step, he approached his friends, lifting up his voice and saying, "Now, billies, _supposing_ I'm a deacon, mind, I can be _spoken_ to at ony time."

DCCLx.x.xVI.--LORD CLONMEL.

THE late Lord Clonmel, who never thought of demanding more than a shilling for an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it was a _good one_. In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, and he used the following extraordinary precautions to avoid being imposed upon by taking a bad one: "You shall true answer make to such questions as shall be demanded of you touching this affidavit, so help you, &c. _Is this a good shilling?_ Are the contents of this affidavit true? Is this your name and handwriting?"

DCCLx.x.xVII.--QUEER PARTNERS.

JERROLD, at a party, noticed a doctor in solemn black waltzing with a young lady who was dressed in a silk of brilliant blue. "As I live!

there's a blue pill dancing with a black draught!" said Jerrold.

DCCLx.x.xVIII.--CORRUPTLY INCORRUPTIBLE.

CHARLES THE SECOND once said to Sidney, "Look me out a man that can't be corrupted: I have sent three treasurers to the North, and they have all turned thieves."--"Well, sire, I will recommend Mivert."--"Mivert!"

exclaimed the king, "why, Mivert is a thief already."--"Therefore _he cannot be corrupted_, your majesty," answered Sidney.

DCCLx.x.xIX.--EPIGRAM ON THE MARRIAGE OF A VERY THIN COUPLE.

ST. PAUL has declared that, when persons, though twain, Are in wedlock united, one flesh they remain.

But had he been by, when, like Pharaoh's kine pairing, Dr. Douglas, of Benet, espoused Miss Mainwaring, St. Peter, no doubt, would have altered his tone, And have said, "These two splinters shall now make one bone."

DCCXC.--GOOD AUTHORITY.

HORNE TOOKE, during his contest for Westminster, was thus addressed by a partisan of his opponent, of not a very reputable character. "Well, Mr.

Tooke, you will have all the _blackguards_ with you to-day."--"I am delighted to hear it, sir, and from such _good_ authority."

DCCXCI.--LUXURIOUS SMOKING.

"THE most luxurious smoker I ever knew," says Mr. Paget, "was a young Transylvanian, who told me that his servant always inserted a lighted pipe into his mouth the first thing in the morning, and that he smoked it out before he awoke. 'It is so pleasant,' he observed, 'to have the proper _taste_ restored to one's mouth before one is sensible even of its wants.'"

DCCXCII.--NO JUDGE.

A CERTAIN Judge having somewhat hastily delivered judgment in a particular case, a King's Counsel observed, in a tone loud enough to reach the bench, "Good heavens! every judgment of this court is a mere _toss-up_." "But _heads_ seldom win," observed a learned barrister, sitting behind him.

DCCXCIII.--RELATIONS OF MANKIND.

BY what curious links, and fantastical relations, are mankind connected together! At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains his support by groping at the bottom of the sea for the morbid concretion of a sh.e.l.l-fish, to decorate the throat of a London alderman's wife.--S.S.

DCCXCIV.--VERY TRUE.