The Jest Book Part 34

DCV.--A BAD BARGAIN.

A MAN bought a horse on condition that he should pay half down, and be in debt for the remainder. A short time after, the seller demanding payment of the balance, the other answered, "No; it was agreed that I should be _in your debt_ for the _remainder_; how can that be if I _pay_ it?"

DCVI.--A PIOUS MINISTER.

IF it be true that the heads of the country should set religious example to their inferiors, the E---- of R----, in his observance of one of the commandments, is a pattern to the community; for, not only on the Sabbath, but through the week, he takes care as Postmaster-General to do _no manner of work_.

DCVII.--STERNE.

SOME person remarked to him that apothecaries bore the same relation to physicians that attorneys do to barristers. "So they do," said Sterne; "but apothecaries and attorneys are not alike, for the latter do not deal in _scruples_."

DCVIII.--WHO'S THE FOOL?

MR. SERGEANT PARRY, in ill.u.s.tration of a case, told the following anecdote:--

Some merchants went to an Eastern sovereign, and exhibited for sale several very fine horses. The king admired them, and bought them; he, moreover, gave the merchants a lac of rupees to purchase more horses for him. The king one day, in a sportive humor, ordered the vizier to make out a list of all the fools in his dominions. He did so, and put his Majesty's name at the head of them. The king asked why. He replied, "Because you entrusted a lac of rupees to men you don't know, and who will never come back."--"Ay, but suppose they should come back?"--"Then I shall erase _your_ name and insert _theirs_."

DCIX.--COLD COMFORT.

A JURYMAN, kept several days at his own expense, sent a friend to the judge to complain that he had been paid nothing for his attendance. "O, tell him," said the witty judge, "that if ever he should have to go before a jury himself he will get one for nothing."

DCX.--A GREAT DIFFERENCE.

"THE friends and opponents of the Bill," said a'Beckett, "are divided into two very distinct cla.s.ses,--the a-bility and the no-bility."

DCXI.--OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE ACTORS.

KING JAMES had two comedies acted before him, the one at Cambridge, the other at Oxford; that at Cambridge was called _Ignoramus_, an ingenious thing, wherein one Mr. Sleep was a princ.i.p.al actor; the other at Oxford was but a dull piece, and therein Mr. Wake was a prime actor. Which made his Majesty merrily to say, that in Cambridge one _Sleep_ made him _wake_, and in Oxford one _Wake_ made him _sleep_.

DCXII.--INQUEST--NOT EXTRAORDINARY.

GREAT Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head, And in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!

A jury sat, and found the verdict plain-- "She died of _milk and water on the brain_."

DCXIII.--STRANGE JETSUM.

A THIN old man, with a rag-bag in his hand, was picking up a number of small pieces of whalebone which lay on the street. The deposit was of such a singular nature, that we asked the quaint-looking gatherer how he supposed they came there. "Don't know," he replied, in a squeaking voice; "but I 'spect some unfortunate female was _wrecked_ hereabout somewhere."

DCXIV.--THE TRUTH AT LAST.

A GOOD instance of absence of mind was an editor quoting from a rival paper one of his own articles, and heading it, "Wretched Attempt at Wit."

DCXV.--A PILL GRATIS.

A PERSON desirous of impressing Lord Ellenborough with his importance, said, "I sometimes employ myself as a doctor."--"Very likely," remarked his lordship; "but is any one fool enough to _employ you_ in that capacity?"

DCXVI.--RATHER HARD.

WE are told that a member for old Sarum (consisting of one large mansion) was once in danger of being pelted with stones; he would have found it _hard_ to have been a.s.sailed with his _own const.i.tuents_.

DCXVII.--SCOTCH PENETRATION.

AN old lady who lived not far from Abbotsford, and from whom the "Great Unknown" had derived many an ancient tale, was waited upon one day by the author of "Waverley." On Scott endeavoring to conceal the authorship, the old dame protested, "D'ye think, sir, I dinna ken my _ain_ groats in ither folk's kail?"

DCXVIII.--A QUESTION OF TIME.

WHEN Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, he was told by the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his present employment. "If your grace," replied Taylor, "will _excuse_ me this _fault_, I promise, if I live, to mend it."

DCXIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the sincerity of a certain prelate.)

---- ----'S discourses from his _heart_ Proceed, as everybody owns; And thus they prove the poet's art, Who says that "sermons are in _stones_."

DCXX.--CONCURRENT EVENTS.

A YOUNG fellow, very confident in his abilities, lamented one day that he had _lost_ all his Greek. "I believe it happened at the same time, sir," said Dr. Johnson, "that I _lost_ all my large estate in Yorkshire."

DCXXI.--A GOOD EXCUSE.

AN attorney on being called to account for having acted unprofessionally in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded that he had taken _all_ the man had. He was thereupon honorably acquitted.

DCXXII.--SHORT AND SHARP.

"WHY, Mr. B.," said a tall youth to a little person who was in company with half-a-dozen huge men, "I protest you are so very small I did not see you before."

"Very likely," replied the little gentleman; "I am like a sixpence among six copper pennies,--not easily perceived, but worth the _whole_ of them."

DCXXIII.--IRELAND'S FORGERY.