The Jest Book Part 32

COUNSELLOR LAMB, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his reputation, was of timid and nervous disposition, usually prefacing his pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one occasion, when opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark that "he felt himself growing more and more timid as he grew older."--"No wonder,"

replied the relentless barrister; "every one knows the older a _lamb_ grows, the more _sheepish_ he becomes."

DLXX.--TRUE WIT.

TRUE wit is like the brilliant stone Dug from Golconda's mine; Which boasts two various powers in one, To cut as well as shine.

Genius, like that, if polished right, With the same gifts abounds; Appears at once both keen and bright, And sparkles while it wounds.

DLXXI.--ORDER! ORDER!

A BARRISTER opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maule interrupted him. "I wish, Mr. ----, you would put your facts in some order; chronological order is the best, but I am not particular. Any order you like--_alphabetical_ order."

DLXXII.--THEATRICAL WIT.

HATTON, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and particularly in the part of _Jack Junk_, was one night at Gosport, performing the character of _Barbarossa_. In the scene where the tyrant makes love to _Zapphira_, and reminds her of his services against the enemies of her kingdom, he was at a loss, and could not catch the word from the prompter, when, seeing the house crowded with sailors, and regardless of the gross anachronism, he exclaimed, with all the energy of tragedy--

"Did not I, By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith a.s.sisted, And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson, Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders From Egypt's sh.o.r.es?"

The jolly tars thought that it was all in his part, and cheered the actor with three rounds of applause.

DLXXIII.--THE CUT DIRECT.

A GENTLEMAN having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator "how he would have it done?"--"If possible," replied the gentleman, "_in silence_."

DLXXIV.--BUSY BODIES.

A MASTER of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will, sir."--"What are you doing?"--"Nothing, sir."--"Is Tom there?"--"Yes,"

said Tom. "What are _you_ doing?"--"Helping Will, sir."

DLXXV.--THE HOPEFUL PUPIL.

WHEN the comedy of "She Stoops to Conquer" was in rehearsal, Goldsmith took great pains to give the performers his ideas of their several parts. On the first representation he was not a little displeased to hear the representative of _Young Marlow_ play it as an Irishman. As soon as _Marlow_ came off the stage, Goldsmith asked him the meaning of this, as it was by no means intended as an Irish character. "Sir,"

replied the comedian, "I spoke it as nearly as I could to the manner in which you instructed me, except that I did not give it quite so strong a _brogue_."

DLXXVI.--THE FORCE OF HABIT.

A TOPING bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W.

Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question, "How will you have it?" replied, "_Cold, without sugar_."

DLXXVII.--NOTICE TO QUIT.

AN Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the 1st of September, having failed time after time in bringing down a single bird, had at last pointed out to him by his attendant bag-carrier, a large covey, thick and close on the stubbles. "Noo! Mr. Jeems, let drive at them, just as they are!"

Mr. Jeems did let drive, as advised, but all flew off, safe and sound.

"Hech, sir (remarks his friend), but ye've made thae yins shift _their quarters_."

DLXXVIII.--A LITERAL JOKE.

LORD ELDON always p.r.o.nounced the word _lien_ as though it were _lyon_; and Sir Arthur Pigot p.r.o.nounced the same word _lean_. On this Jekyll wrote the following epigram:--

"Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean, By saying the Chancellor's _lion_ is _lean_?

D'ye think that his kitchen's so bad as all that, That nothing within it will ever get fat?"

DLXXIX.--AN ARGUMENT.

SAYS P--l--s, "Why the Bishops are By nature meant the _soil_ to share, I'll quickly make you understand; For can we not deduct with ease, That nature has designed the _seas_ Expressly to _divide the land_?"

DLx.x.x.--THE CANDLE AND LANTERN.

DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the University of Cambridge, he was called in, in a case of some difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had previously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, "He! if he were to descend into the patient's stomach with a _candle and lantern_, when he ascended he would not be able to name the complaint."

DLx.x.xI.--ONE HEAD BETTER THAN A DOZEN.

KING HENRY VIII., designing to send an emba.s.sy to Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, the n.o.bleman selected begged to be excused, saying, "Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him his life."--"Fear not," said old Harry, "if the French king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen Frenchmen now in my power."--"But of all these heads," replied the n.o.bleman, "there may not be _one to fit_ my shoulders."

DLx.x.xII.--KEEPING A CONSCIENCE.

THE great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at this time (1772) a very strong sensation amongst the members of the two universities. Paley, when pressed to sign the clerical pet.i.tion which was presented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself, saying, "He could not _afford_ to keep a conscience."

DLx.x.xIII.--DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.

A TRADESMAN having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last desired his servant one morning to admit him. "My friend," said he to him, "I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that as I shall never pay you a farthing, you had better go home, mind your business, and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a set of vagabonds, for whom _I have no affection_, and they may waste their time as they please."

DLx.x.xIV.--PORTMANTEAU _v._ TRUNK.

SERJEANT WHITAKER, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an eccentric. A friend, at one of the a.s.size towns, offered him a bed, and the next morning asked him if he had found himself comfortable and warm.

"Yes, madam," replied the serjeant; "yes, pretty well, on the whole. At first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker; but recollecting that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it _did every bit_ as well."

DLx.x.xV.--SEEING A CORONATION.

A SAD mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated d.u.c.h.ess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming d.u.c.h.ess of Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly pleased with the natural elegance and artlessness of her manner, indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this _tete-a-tete_ the d.u.c.h.ess said, with great animation, "I have seen everything! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I do long so much to see that!" The curiosity of the monarch was so greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he eagerly asked her what it was. "A coronation," replied the thoughtless d.u.c.h.ess; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she had made, till the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression replied, "I apprehend you have not long to wait; you will soon have _your wish_." Her grace was overwhelmed with confusion.

DLx.x.xVI.--HOOK'S POLITENESS.