The Jest Book Part 21

CCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

IF L--d--d--y has a grain of sense, He can be only half a lord 'tis clear; For from the fact we draw the inference, He's that which never has been made _a peer_.

CCCLXXIX.--A BROAD-BRIM HINT.

A QUAKER said to a gunner, "Friend, I counsel no bloodshed; but if it be thy design _to hit_ the little man in the blue jacket, point thine engine three inches lower."

CCCLx.x.x.--AN ORDER FOR TWO.

AT the last rehearsal of "Joanna," Mr. Wild, the prompter, asked the author for an order to admit two friends to the boxes; and whether Mr.

c.u.mberland was thinking of the probable proceeds of his play, or whether his anxiety otherwise bewildered him, cannot be ascertained; but he wrote, instead of the usual "two to the boxes"--"admit _two pounds two_."

CCCLx.x.xI.--EPIGRAM FROM THE ITALIAN.

HIS hair so black,--his beard so gray, 'Tis strange! But would you know the cause?

'Tis that his labors always lay, Less on his brain than on his _jaws_.

CCCLx.x.xII.--MARRIAGE.

A WIDOWER, having taken another wife, was, nevertheless, always paying some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presence of his present one; who one day added, with great feeling, "Believe me, my dear, n.o.body regrets _her loss_ more than I do."

CCCLx.x.xIII.--FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT.

A YOUNG man having preached for the doctor one day, was anxious to get a word of applause for his labor of love. The grave doctor, however, did not introduce the subject, and his younger brother was obliged to bait the hook for him. "I hope, sir, I did not weary your people by the _length_ of my sermon to-day?"--"No, sir, not at all; nor by the _depth_ either!" The young man was silent.

CCCLx.x.xIV.--VISIBLE PROOF.

AN Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his marriage, exhibited a _huge scar_ on his head, which looked as though it might have been made with a fire-shovel. The evidence was satisfactory.

CCCLx.x.xV.--SIMPLICITY OF THE LEARNED PORSON.

THE great scholar had a horror of the east wind; and Tom Sheridan once kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight by _fixing_ the weatherc.o.c.k in that direction.

CCCLx.x.xVI.--EPIGRAM ADDRESSED TO MISS EDGEWORTH.

WE every-day bards may "Anonymous" sign: That refuge, Miss Edgeworth, can never be thine: Thy writings, where satire and moral unite, Must bring forth the name of their author to light.

Good and bad join in telling the source of their birth, The bad own their _Edge_ and the good own their _worth_.

CCCLx.x.xVII.--KEEN REPLY.

A RETIRED vocalist, who had acquired a large fortune by marriage, was asked to sing in company. "Allow me," said he, "to imitate the nightingale, which does not sing after it has _made its nest_."

CCCLx.x.xVIII.--A GOOD EXAMPLE.

IN the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of the Speaker is silence; and he fills the place best who best holds his tongue. There are other _speakers_ in the House (not official) who would show their sagacity by following the example of their President.

CCCLx.x.xIX.--A CERTAINTY.

A PHYSICIAN pa.s.sing by a stone-mason's shop bawled out, "Good morning, Mr. D.! Hard at work, I see. You finish your gravestones as far as 'In the memory of,' and then wait, I suppose, to see who wants a monument next?"--"Why, yes," replied the old man, "unless somebody's sick, and _you_ are doctoring him; then I _keep right on_."

CCCXC.--NOMINAL RHYMES.

THE COURT OF ALDERMEN AT FISHMONGERS' HALL.

IS that dace or perch?

Said Alderman Birch; I take it for herring, Said Alderman Perring.

This jack's very good, Said Alderman Wood; But its bones might a man slay, Said Alderman Ansley.

I'll b.u.t.ter what I get, Said Alderman Heygate.

Give me some stewed carp, Said Alderman Thorp; The roe's dry as pith, Said Alder_men_ Smith.

Don't cut so far down, Said Alderman Brown; But nearer the fin, Said Alderman Glyn.

I've finished, i'faith, man, Said Alderman Waithman: And I too, i'fatkins, Said Alderman Atkins.

They've crimped this cod drolly, Said Alderman Scholey; 'T is bruised at the ridges, Said Alderman Brydges.

Was it caught in a drag? Nay, Said Alderman Magnay.

'T was brought by two men, Said Alderman Ven- ables: Yes, in a box, Said Alderman c.o.x.

They care not how _fur 'tis_, Said Alderman Curtis; From air kept, and from sun, Said Alderman Thompson; Packed neatly in straw, Said Alderman Shaw: In ice got from Gunter, Said Alderman Hunter.

This ketchup is sour, Said Alderman Flower; Then steep it in claret, Said Alderman Garret.

CCCXCI.--A BROAD HINT.

CHARLES II. playing at tennis with a dean, who struck the ball well, the king said, "That's a good stroke for a _dean_."--"I'll give it the stroke of a _bishop_ if your Majesty pleases," was the suggestive rejoinder.

CCCXCII.--VAILS TO SERVANTS.

TO such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon the subject eight letters to the Duke of N----, supposed to be the Duke of Newcastle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Hanway, that, on leaving the house of the Duke alluded to, after having feed a train of other servants, he (Sir Thomas) put a crown into the hand of the cook, who returned it, saying, "Sir, I do not take _silver_."--"Don't you, indeed!" said the baronet, putting it into his pocket; "then _I do_."

CCCXCIII.--QUITE TRUE.

AVARICE is criminal poverty.

CCCXCIV.--CONGRATULATION TO ONE WHO CURLED HIS HAIR.