The Jest Book Part 19

A YOUNG lady visiting in the family asked John at dinner for a potato.

John made no response. The request was repeated; when John, putting his mouth to her ear, said, very audibly, "There's jist _twa_ in the dish, and they maun be _keepit_ for the strangers."

CCCXLII.--EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.

THE following dialogue was lately heard at an a.s.size:--Counsel: "What was the height of the horse?" Witness: "Sixteen feet." Counsel: "How old was he?" Witness: "Six years." Counsel: "How high did you say he was?"

Witness: "Sixteen hands." Counsel: "You said just now sixteen _feet_."

Witness: "Sixteen _feet_! Did I say sixteen _feet_?" Counsel: "You did."

Witness: "_If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet_!--you don't catch me crossing myself!"

CCCXLIII.--WAY OF THE WORLD.

DETERMINED beforehand, we gravely pretend To ask the opinion and thoughts of a friend; Should his differ from ours on any pretence, We pity his want both of judgment and sense; But if he falls into and flatters our plan, Why, really we think him a sensible man.

CCCXLIV.--A BROAD-SHEET HINT.

IN the parlor of a public-house in Fleet Street, there used to be written over the chimney-piece the following notice: "Gentlemen learning to _spell_ are requested to use _yesterday's paper_."

CCCXLV.--MODEST MERIT.

A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable company for an engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable of playing all the first line of business; but as for himself he was "the worst actor in the world." They were engaged, and the lady answered the character which he had given of her. The gentleman having the part of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, he asked the manager, indignantly, how could he put him in such a paltry part.

"Sir," answered the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you were the _worst_ actor in the world."--"True," replied the other, "but then I had not _seen you_."

CCCXLVI.--SOFT, VERY!

SOME one had written upon a pane in the window of an inn on the Chester road, "Lord M----ms has the softest lips in the universe.--PHILLIS."

Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it,--

"Then as like as two chips Are his head and his lips.--AMARILLIS."

CCCXLVII.--CAMBRIDGE ETIQUETTE.

CAMBRIDGE etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following anecdote. A gownsman, one day walking along the banks of the Cam, observing a luckless son of his Alma Mater in the agonies of _drowning_, "What a pity," he exclaimed, "that I have not had the honor of being _introduced_ to the gentleman; I might have saved him;" and walked on, leaving the poor fellow to his fate.

CCCXLVIII.--EPIGRAM.

(On interminable harangues.)

YE fates that hold the vital shears, If ye be troubled with remorse, And will not cut ----'s _thread of life_, Cut then the _thread of his discourse_.

CCCXLIX.--HALF-WAY.

A HORSEMAN crossing a moor, asked a countryman, if it was safe riding.

"Ay," answered the countryman, "it is hard enough at the _bottom_, I'll warrant you;" but in half-a-dozen steps the horse sunk up to the girths.

"You story-telling rascal, you said it was hard at the bottom!"--"Ay,"

replied the other, "but you are not _half-way_ to the bottom yet."

CCCL.--SELF-KNOWLEDGE.

"----," said one of his eulogists, "always knows his own mind." We will cede the point, for it amounts to an admission that he _knows nothing_.

CCCLI.--TWO OF A TRADE.

WHEN Bannister was asked his opinion of a new singer that had appeared at Covent Garden, "Why," said Charles, "he may be Robin Hood this season, but he will be _robbing_ Harris (the manager) the next."

CCCLII.--A STRAY SHOT.

AN officer, in battle, happening to _bow_, a cannon-ball pa.s.sed over his head, and took off that of the soldier who stood behind him. "You see,"

said he, "that a man never loses by politeness."

CCCLIII.--MILESIAN ADVICE.

"NEVER be critical upon the ladies," was the maxim of an old Irish peer, remarkable for his homage to the s.e.x; "the only way in the world that a true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty woman, is _to shut his eyes_."

CCCLIV.--MR. ABERNETHY.

A LADY who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she said, "Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly."--"Why then, ma'am," answered Mr. A., "you area great fool for _doing so_."

CCCLV.--THE DEBT PAID.

To John I owed great obligation, But John, unhappily, thought fit To publish it to all the nation; Sure John and I are more than quit.

CCCLVI.--EXTREMES MEET.

A CLEVER literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told him he had just had "some calf's-tail soup."--"Extremes meet sometimes,"

said Jerrold.

CCCLVII.--A COMPLIMENT ILL-RECEIVED.

A PERSON who dined in company with Dr. Johnson endeavored to make his court to him by laughing immoderately at everything he said. The doctor bore it for some time with philosophical indifference; but the impertinent _ha, ha, ha!_ becoming intolerable, "Pray, sir," said the doctor, "what is the matter? I hope I have not said anything that _you_ can comprehend."

CCCLVIII.--TRUTH NOT TO BE SPOKEN AT ALL TIMES.