The Jest Book Part 17

THE attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some instances, to infatuation. An ill-tempered lap-dog biting a piece out of a male visitor's leg, his mistress thus expressed her _compa.s.sion_: "Poor little dear creature! I hope it will not make him sick!"

CCCVI.--AN INTRODUCTORY CEREMONY.

AN alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him to speak at Guildhall. "I must first dine with you," replied he, "and see how you open your mouth, _that I may know what sort of words will fit it_."

CCCVII.--WHIG AND TORY.

WHIG and Tory scratch and bite, Just as hungry dogs we see; Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight; Throw a couple, they agree.

CCCVIII.--CONTRABAND SCOTCHMAN.

A PERSON was complimenting Mrs. ---- on her acting a certain female character so well. "To do justice to that character," replied the lady, modestly, "one should be young and handsome."--"Nay, madam," replied the gentleman, "you are a complete proof of the _contrary_."

CCCIX.--A PLACEBO.

WHEN Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, "I am sorry, Fraser, to leave this _old_ place."--"Psha, sir," said George, "don't fret; when you had this _old_ place, you were _out_ of place; now you are _in place_, you can get both _yourself and me a better place_." The hint was taken, and old George provided for.

CCCX.--A PLACE WANTED.

A GENTLEMAN, who did not live very happily with his wife, on the maid telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night. "Happy girl!" said the master, "I wish I could give _warning_ too."

CCCXI.--NOT TO BE BOUGHT.

A COMMON-COUNCILMAN'S lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the governess answered, "pretty good, madam, she is very attentive: if she wants anything it is a _capacity_: but for _that_ deficiency you know we must not blame _her_."--"No madam," replied the mother, "but I blame _you_ for not having mentioned it before. Her father can afford his daughter a _capacity_; and I beg she may have one immediately, cost what it may."

CCCXII.--SIGN OF BEING CRACKED.

IN a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed that she had swept a quant.i.ty of pots, lotions, potions, &c., into the street as rubbish. "I doubt," said the learned judge, "whether sweeping _physic_ into the street be any proof of insanity."--"True, my lord,"

replied the counsel, "but sweeping the _pots_ away, certainly was."

CCCXIII.--CRUEL SUGGESTION.

LORD STANLEY came plainly dressed to request a private audience of King James I., but was refused admittance into the royal closet by a sprucely-dressed countryman of the king's. James hearing the altercation between the two, came out and inquired the cause. "My liege," said Lord Stanley, "this gay countryman of yours has refused me admittance to your presence."--"Cousin," said the king, "how shall I punish him? Shall I send him to the Tower?"--"O no, my liege," replied Lord Stanley, "inflict a severer punishment,--_send him back to Scotland_!"

CCCXIV.--AN ODD FELLOW.

LORD WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE was a very singular character, and had more peculiarities than any n.o.bleman of his day. Coming once out of the House of Peers, and not seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the door, he called out in a very loud voice, "Where can my _fellow be_?"--"Not in Europe, my lord," said Anthony Henley, who happened to be near him, "_not in Europe_."

CCCXV.--POST-MORTEM.

ONE of Cromwell's granddaughters was remarkable for her vivacity and humor. One summer, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman having taken great offence at some sarcastic observation she made, intending to insult her, said, "You need not give yourself such airs, madam; you know your grandfather was hanged."--To which she instantly replied, "But not till he was _dead_."

CCCXVI.--KNOWING HIS PLACE.

AT a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to surprise every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord Lothian, "Lothian, I have heard much of your agility; let us see you run up after that boy."--"Sire," replied Lord Lothian, "it is my duty to _follow your Majesty_."

CCCXVII.--AN ATTIC JEST.

SHERIDAN inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on his inauguration to St. Stephen's, the son replied, that he intended to vote for those who offered best, and that he should wear on his forehead a label, "To let."--"I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, _unfurnished_,"

rejoined the father.

CCCXVIII.--CUTTING ON BOTH SIDES.

LORD B----, who sported a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr.

O'Connell in Dublin, the latter said, "When do you mean to place your whiskers on the _peace establishment_?"--"When you place your tongue on the _civil list_!" was the rejoinder.

CCCXIX.--A READY RECKONER.

A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a wag, "If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how much will a great boar (_bore_?) weigh?" he replied, "Jump into the scales, and I will _tell you immediately_."

CCCXX.--CATCHING HIM UP.

AN Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, "I am eldest," said he, "but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall be _both_ of an age."

CCCXXI.--A STOPPER.

A GENTLEMAN describing a person who often visited him for the sole purpose of having a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the _stay_-maker.

CCCXXII.--A BOOK CASE.

THERE is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, "O! if that be law, Mr.

Curran, I may burn my law-books!"--"Better _read_ them, my lord," was the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.

CCCXXIII.--HINC ILLE LACHRYMae.

"THE mortality among Byron's mistresses," said the late Lady A----ll, "is really alarming. I think he generally buries, in verse, a first love every fortnight."--"Madam," replied Curran, "mistresses are not so mortal. The fact is, my lord weeps for the _press_, and wipes his eyes with _the public_."

CCCXXIV.--REASON FOR GOING TO CHURCH.

IT was observed of an old citizen that he was the most regular man in London in his attendance at church, and no man in the kingdom was more punctual in his prayers. "He has a very good reason for it," replied John Wilkes, "for, as he never gave a shilling, did a kindness, or conferred a favor on any man living, _no one would pray for him_."