The Jest Book Part 13

CCx.x.xIII.--EQUALITY.

SOME one was praising our public schools to Charles Landseer, and said, "All our best men were public school men. Look at our poets. There's Byron, he was a Harrow boy--"--"Yes," interrupted Charles, "and there's Burns,--he was a _ploughboy_."

CCx.x.xIV.--QUITE NATURAL.

"DID any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" asked the master of an infant school in a fast neighborhood.--"_I_ have!" shouted a six-year-old at the foot of the cla.s.s. "Where?" inquired old spectacles, amused by his earnestness. "_On the elephant_!" was the reply.

CCx.x.xV.--MISER'S CHARITY.

AN illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat,"

but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is _nothing to n.o.body_."

CCx.x.xVI.--SHAKING HANDS.

AT a duel the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon one of the seconds interfered, and proposed that the combatants should shake hands. To this the other second objected, as unnecessary,--"For,"

said he, "their hands have been _shaking_ this half-hour."

CCx.x.xVII.--MILTON ON WOMAN.

MILTON was asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in the different languages: to which he replied, "No, sir; one tongue is sufficient for a woman."

CCx.x.xVIII.--EPIGRAM.

(On bank notes being made a legal tender.)

THE privilege _hard_ money to demand, It seems but fair the public should surrender; For I confess I ne'er could understand Why cash called _hard_, should be a legal _tender_.

CCx.x.xIX.--A GOOD REASON.

"THAT'S a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes," replied the old dame, "and _he_ never cries."--"That's because he's never washed,"

rejoined the youngster.

CCXL.--ON FARREN, THE ACTOR.

IF Farren, cleverest of men, Should go to the right about, What part of town will he be then?

Why, "Farren-done-without!"

CCXLI.--PADDY'S LOGIC.

"THE sun is all very well," said an Irishman, "but the moon is worth two of it; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we _want it_, whereas the sun's with us in the day-time, when we have _no occasion for it_."

CCXLII.--WARNING TO LADIES.

BEWARE of falling in love with a pair of moustaches, till you have ascertained whether their wearer is the original proprietor.

CCXLIII.--A MOT OF DE FOE.

WHEN Sir Richard Steele was made a member of the Commons, it was expected from his writings that he would have been an admirable orator; but not proving so, De Foe said, "He had better have continued the _Spectator_ than the _Tatler_."

CCXLIV.--A FAIR REPULSE.

AT the time of the threatened invasion, the laird of Logan had been taunted at a meeting at Ayr with want of a loyal spirit at c.u.mnock, as at that place no volunteer corps had been raised to meet the coming danger; c.u.mnock, it should be recollected, being on a high situation, and ten or twelve miles from the coast. "What sort of people are you, up at c.u.mnock?" said an Ayr gentleman; "you have not a single volunteer!"--"Never you heed," says Logan, very quietly; "if the French land at Ayr, there will soon be _plenty of volunteers up at c.u.mnock_."

CCXLV.--CLAW AND CLAW.

LORD ERSKINE and Dr. Parr, who were both remarkably conceited, were in the habit of conversing together, and complimenting each other on their respective abilities. On one of these occasions, Parr promised that he would write Erskine's epitaph; to which the other replied, that "such an intention on the doctor's part was almost a temptation to commit suicide."

CCXLVI.--THE BISHOP AND HIS PORTMANTEAU.

THE other day, a certain bishop lost his portmanteau. The circ.u.mstance has given rise to the following:--

I have lost my portmanteau-- "I pity your grief;"

It contained all my sermons-- "I pity the thief."

CCXLVII.--FORCE OF NATURE.

S----'S head appears to be placed in most accurate conformity with the law of nature, in obedience to which that which is most _empty_ is generally _uppermost_.

CCXLVIII.--BLOWING A NOSE.

SIR WILLIAM CHERE had a very long nose, and was playing at backgammon with old General Brown. During this time, Sir William, who was a snuff-taker, was continually using his snuff-box. Observing him leaning continually over the table, and being at the same time in a very bad humor with the game, the general said, "Sir William, blow your nose!"--"Blow it _yourself_!" said Sir William; "'tis as near you as me!"

CCXLIX.--TOO CIVIL.

MACKLIN one night sitting at the back of the front boxes, with a gentleman of his acquaintance, an underbred lounger stood up immediately before him, and covered the sight of the stage entirely from him.

Macklin patted him gently on the shoulder with his cane, and, with much seeming civility, requested "that when he saw or heard anything that was entertaining on the stage, to let him and the gentleman with him know of it, as at present we must totally depend on _your kindness_." This had the desired effect,--and the lounger walked off.

CCL.--TORY LIBERALITY.

A CERTAIN anti-illuminating marquis, since the memorable night of the pa.s.sing of the Reform Bill, has constantly kept _open house_, at least, so we are informed by a person who lately looked in at his windows.