The Jest Book Part 10

CLXXVIII.--AN ODD COMPARISON.

SIR WILLIAM B---- being at a parish meeting, made some proposals, which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the farmer, "do you know, sir, that I have been at the two universities, and at two colleges in each university?"--"Well, sir," said the farmer, "what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the more he sucked, the greater _calf_ he grew."

CLXXIX.--ON THE RIGHT SIDE.

IT was said of one that remembered everything that he lent, but nothing that he borrowed, "that he had _lost half_ of his memory."

CLx.x.x.--CAUSE OF ABSENCE.

WHEN the late Lord Campbell married Miss Scarlett, and departed on his wedding trip, Mr. Justice Abbott observed, when a cause was called on in the Bench, "I thought, Mr. Brougham, that Mr. Campbell was in this case?"--"Yes, my lord," replied Brougham, "but I understand he is ill--suffering from _Scarlett fever_."

CLx.x.xI.--THE SCOLD'S VOCABULARY.

THE copiousness of the English language perhaps was never more apparent than in the following character, by a lady, of her own husband:--

"He is," says she, "an abhorred, barbarous, capricious, detestable, envious, fastidious, hard-hearted, illiberal, ill-natured, jealous, keen, loathsome, malevolent, nauseous, obstinate, pa.s.sionate, quarrelsome, raging, saucy, tantalizing, uncomfortable, vexatious, abominable, bitter, captious, disagreeable, execrable, fierce, grating, gross, hasty, malicious, nefarious, obstreperous, peevish, restless, savage, tart, unpleasant, violent, waspish, worrying, acrimonious, bl.u.s.tering, careless, discontented, fretful, growling, hateful, inattentive, malignant, noisy, odious, perverse, rigid, severe, teasing, unsuitable, angry, boisterous, choleric, disgusting, gruff, hectoring, incorrigible, mischievous, negligent, offensive, pettish, roaring, sharp, sluggish, snapping, snarling, sneaking, sour, testy, tiresome, tormenting, touchy, arrogant, austere, awkward, boorish, brawling, brutal, bullying, churlish, clamorous, crabbed, cross, currish, dismal, dull, dry, drowsy, grumbling, horrid, huffish, insolent, intractable, irascible, ireful, morose, murmuring, opinionated, oppressive, outrageous, overbearing, petulant, plaguy, rough, rude, rugged, spiteful, splenetic, stern, stubborn, stupid, sulky, sullen, surly, suspicious, treacherous, troublesome, turbulent, tyrannical, virulent, wrangling, yelping dog-in-a-manger."

CLx.x.xII.--A FAMILIAR ILl.u.s.tRATION.

A MEDICAL student under examination, being asked the different effects of heat and cold, replied: "Heat expands and cold contracts."--"Quite right; can you give me an example?"--"Yes, sir, in summer, which is hot, the days are longer; but in winter, which is _cold_, the days are _shorter_."

CLx.x.xIII.--HAPPINESS.

HAPPINESS grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in strangers' gardens.

CLx.x.xIV.--TRANSPOSING A COMPLIMENT.

IT was said of a work (which had been inspected by a severe critic), in terms which at first appeared very flattering, "There is a great deal in this book which is new, and a great deal that is true." So far good, the author would think; but then came the negation: "But it unfortunately happens, that those portions which are _new_ are not _true_, and those which are _true_ are not _new_!"

CLx.x.xV.--A HANDSOME CONTRIBUTION.

A GENTLEMAN waited upon Jerrold one morning to enlist his sympathies in behalf of a mutual friend, who was constantly in want of a round sum of money.

"Well," said Jerrold, who had contributed on former occasions, "how much does ---- want this time?"

"Why, just a four and two noughts will, I think, put him straight," the bearer of the hat replied.

_Jerrold._--"Well, put me down for one of the noughts this time."

CLx.x.xVI.--WASTE OF TIME.

AN old man of ninety having recovered from a very dangerous illness, his friends congratulated him, and encouraged him to get up. "Alas!" said he to them, "it is hardly worth while to _dress_ myself again."

CLx.x.xVII.--SCOTCH SIMPLICITY.

AT Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a _clanking_ noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her bedside, who said to her, "Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to Heeven, an' gin you should see our folks, ye can tell them that we're a weel." To which Jenny replied. "Weel, gin I shud see them I 'se tell them, but you manna expect that I am to gang clank clanking through Heeven looking for your folk."

CLx.x.xVIII.--TWOFOLD ILl.u.s.tRATION.

SIR FLETCHER NORTON was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading before Lord Mansfield on some question of manorial right, he chanced unfortunately to say, "My lord, I can ill.u.s.trate the point in an instant in my own person: I myself have two little manors." The judge immediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all _know_ it, Sir Fletcher."

CLx.x.xIX.--NAT LEE AND SIR ROGER L'ESTRANGE.

THE author of "Alexander the Great," whilst confined in a madhouse, was visited by Sir Roger L'Estrange, of whose political abilities Lee entertained no very high opinion. Upon the knight inquiring whether the poet knew him, Lee answered:--

"Custom may alter men, and manners change: But I am still _strange Lee_, and you L'Estrange: I'm poor in purse as you are poor in brains."

CXC.--MAIDS AND WIVES.

WOMEN are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their marriage certificates, and defy you.--D.J.

CXCI.--TRAGEDY MS.

LISTON, seeing a parcel lying on the table in the entrance-hall of Drury Lane Theatre, one side of which, from its having travelled to town by the side of some game, was smeared with blood, observed, "That parcel contains a ma.n.u.script tragedy." And on being asked why, replied, "Because the _fifth_ act is peeping out at one corner of it."

CXCII.--A TRUE COURTIER.

ONE day, when Sir Isaac Heard was in company with George III., it was announced that his majesty's horse was ready for hunting. "Sir Isaac,"

said the king, "are you a judge of horses?"--"In my younger days, please your majesty, I was a great deal among them," was the reply. "What do you think of this, then?" said the king, who was by this time preparing to mount his favorite: and, without waiting for an answer, added, "we call him. _Perfection_."--"A most appropriate name," replied the courtly herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, "for he _bears_ the best of characters."

CXCIII.--RARE VIRTUE.

THE paucity of some persons' good actions reminds one of Jonathan Wild, who was once induced to be guilty of a good action, after fully satisfying himself, upon the maturest deliberation, that he could _gain nothing_ by refraining from it.

CXCIV.--A POSER.

A c.o.xCOMB in a coffee-house boasted that he had written a certain popular song, just as the true author entered the room. A friend of his pointed to the c.o.xcomb: "See, sir, the real author of your favorite song."--"Well," replied the other, "the gentleman _might_ have made it, for I a.s.sure him I found no difficulty in doing it myself."

CXCV.--A SHEEPISH COMPLIMENT.

LORD c.o.c.kBURN, the proprietor of Bonaly, was sitting on the hillside with a shepherd, and, observing the sheep reposing in the coldest situation, he remarked to him, "John, if I were a sheep, I would lie on the other side of the hill." The shepherd answered, "Ah, my lord, but if ye had been a _sheep_ ye would hae had mair sense."