The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 58

"I'd seen it," said Joe.

"And did not give evidence!"

"No; I warnt called, and know'd nothing about it."

"You've been paid for coming here, I suppose?"

"Not a farden, and wouldn't take un; he bin a good maister to me as ever lived."

"And you left him. Now then, sir, be careful; do you swear you heard b.u.mpkin say Snooks should not have the pig?"

"I do."

"Have you been speaking to anyone about this case before to-day?"

Joe thought a bit.

"Be careful, sir, I warn you," says Ricochet.

"Yes," said Joe; "I have."

"I thought so. When? To whom?"

And here an air of triumph lit up the features of Mr. Ricochet.

"Afore I comed here."

"When! let's have it?"

"Outside the Court."

"To b.u.mpkin?"

"No; to that there Locust; he axed un-"

"Never mind what he axed you;" said Ricochet, whose idea of humour consisted in the repet.i.tion of an illiterate observation; and he sat down-as well he might-after such an exhibition of the art of advocacy.

But on re-examination, it turned out that Mr. Locust had put several questions to Joe with a view of securing his evidence himself at a reasonable remuneration, and of contradicting Mr. b.u.mpkin.

This caused the jury to look at one another with grave faces and shake their heads.

Mr. Ricochet began and continued his speech in the same common-place style as his cross-examination; abusing everyone on the other side, especially that respectable solicitor, Mr. Prigg; and endeavouring to undo his own bad performance with the witness by a worse speech to the jury. What he was going to show, and what he was going to prove, was wonderful; everybody who had been called was guilty of perjury; everybody he was going to call would be a paragon of all the virtues. He expatiated upon the great common sense of the jury (as though they were fools), relied on their sound judgment and denounced the conduct of Mr.

b.u.mpkin in the witness-box as a piece of artful acting, intended to appeal to the weakness of the jury. But all was useless. Snooks made a sorry figure in the box. He was too emphatic, too positive, too abusive.

Mr. Ricochet could not get over his own cross-examination. The ridiculous counterclaim with its pettifogging innuendoes vanished before that common sense of the jury to which Mr. Ricochet so dryly appealed.

The edifice erected by the modern pleader's subtle craftiness was unsubstantial as the icy patterns on the window-pane, which a single breath can dissipate. And yet these ingenious contrivances were sufficient to give an unimportant case an appearance of substantiality which it otherwise would not have possessed.

The jury, after a most elaborate charge from Mr. Justice Pangloss, who went through the cases of the last 900 years in the most careful manner, returned a verdict for the plaintiff with twenty-five pounds damages.

The learned Judge did not give judgment, inasmuch as there were points of law to be argued. Mr. b.u.mpkin, although he had won his case so far as the verdict was concerned, did not look by any means triumphant. He had undergone so much anxiety and misery, that he felt more like a man who had escaped a great danger than one who had accomplished a great achievement.

Snooks' mouth, during the badgering of the witnesses, which was intended for cross-examination was quite a study for an artist or a physiologist.

When he thought a witness was going to be caught, the orifice took the form of a gothic window in a ruinous condition. When he imagined the witness had slipped out of the trap laid for him, it stretched horizontally, and resembled a baker's oven. He was of too coa.r.s.e a nature to suspect that his own counsel had damaged his case, and believed the result of the trial to have been due to the plaintiff's "snivelling."

He left the Court with a melancholy downcast look, and his only chance of happiness hereafter in this life seemed now to be in proportion to his power of making Mr. b.u.mpkin miserable. Mr. Locust was not behind in his advice on their future course; and, after joining his client in the hall, at once pointed out the utterly absurd conclusion at which the jury had arrived; declared that there must be friends of the plaintiff among them, and that Mr. Ricochet would take the earliest opportunity of moving for a new trial; a piece of information which quite lit up the coa.r.s.e features of his client, as a breath of air will bring a pa.s.sing glow to the mouldering embers of an ash-heap on a dark night.

CHAPTER x.x.xVI.

Motion for rule nisi, in which is displayed much learning, ancient and modern.

On the following day there was a great array of judicial talent and judicial dignity sitting in what is called "Banco," not to be in any way confounded with "Sancho;" the two words are totally distinct both as to their meaning and etymology. In the centre of the Bench sat Mr. Justice Doughty, one of the clearest heads perhaps that ever enveloped itself in horsehair. On his right was Mr. Justice Pangloss, and on his left Mr.

Justice Technical.

Then arose from the Queen's Counsel row, Mr. Ricochet to apply for a rule _nisi_ for a new trial in the cause of _b.u.mpkin_ v. _Snooks_ which was tried yesterday before Mr. Justice Pangloss.

"Before me?" says Mr. Justice Pangloss.

"Yes, my lud," says Mr. Ricochet.

"Are you sure?" enquired the learned Judge, turning over his notes.

"O, quite, my lud."

"Ah!" says his lordship: "what do you say the name of the case was?"

"_b.u.mpkin_ against _Snooks_, my lud," says Mr. Ricochet, Q.C.

"Coots; what was it,-a Bill of Exchange?" asks his lordship.

"Snooks, my lud, Snooks;" says Mr. Ricochet, "with the greatest deference, my lud, his name is spelt with an S."

Judge, still turning over his book from end to end calls to his clerk, and addressing Mr. Ricochet, says: "When do you say it was tried, Mr.

Ricochet?"

"Yesterday, my lud; with great submission, my lud, I overheard your ludship say Coots. Snooks, my lud."

Then all the Judges cried "Snooks!" as if it had been a puzzle or a conundrum at a family Christmas party, and they had all guessed it at once.

"Bring me the book for this term," said the Judge sharply to his clerk.

"What was the name of the plaintiff?" enquired Mr. Justice Doughty.

"b.u.mpkin, my lud," said Mr. Ricochet, "with great deference."

"Ah, Pumpkin, so it was," said the presiding Judge.

"With great submission, my lud, b.u.mpkin!"