The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 20

Next an undefended prisoner was placed on trial, and as he was supposed to know all the law of England, he was treated as if he did.

"You can't put that question, you know," said the learned Judge; "and now you are making a statement; it is not time to make your statement yet; you will have ample opportunity by-and-by in your speech to the jury."

And afterwards, when the Judge was summing up, the unhappy prisoner called his lordship's attention to a mistake; but he was told that he had had his turn and had made his speech to the jury, and must not now interrupt the Court. So he had to be quite silent until he was convicted. Then the two companions went into another court, where a very stern-looking Common Law Judge was trying a ferocious-looking prisoner.

And Mr. O'Rapley was delighted to explain that now his friend would see the difference. They had entered the court just as the learned Judge had begun to address the jury; and very careful his lordship was to explain (not in technical language), but in homely, common-place and common-sense English, the nature of the crime with which the prisoner was charged. He was very careful in explaining this, for fear the jury should improperly come to the conclusion that, because they might believe the prisoner had in fact committed the act, he must necessarily be guilty. And they were told that the act was in that case only one element of the crime, and that they must ascertain whether there was the guilty intent or no. Now this old Mr. Justice Common Sense, I thought, was very well worth listening to, and I heartily wished Mr. Justice Technical from the Old Court had been there to take a lesson; and I take the liberty of setting down what I heard in my dream for the benefit of future Justices Technical.

His lordship directed the jury's attention to the evidence, which he carefully avoided calling facts: not to the verbatim report of it on his note-book as some Recorders do, and think when they are reading it over they are summing it up; but pointing out statements which, if believed, become facts and if facts, lead to certain _inferences_ of guilt or innocence.

It was while the learned Mr. Justice Common Sense was thus engaged, that the warder in the dock suddenly checked the prisoner with these words:

"You mustn't interrupt."

"Why may he not interrupt?" asks Mr. Justice Common Sense. "What do you want to say, prisoner?"

"My lord," answered the prisoner, "I wanted to say as how that there witness as your lordship speaks on didn't say as he seen me there."

"O, didn't he?" said the Judge. "I thought he did-now let us see,"

turning over his notes. "No, you are quite right, prisoner, he did not see you at the spot but immediately after."

Then his lordship proceeded until there was another interruption of the same character, and the foolish warder again told the prisoner to be quiet. This brought down Mr. Justice Common Sense with a vengeance:

"Warder! how dare you stop the prisoner? he is on his trial and is undefended. Who is to check me if I am misstating the evidence if he does not? If you dare to speak like that to him again I will commit you.

Prisoner, interrupt me as often as you think I am not correctly stating the evidence."

"Thankee, my lord."

"That be the sort o' Judge for me," said b.u.mpkin; "but I've 'ad enough on it, Maister O'Rapley, so if you please, I'll get back t' the 'Goose.'

Why didn't that air Judge try t'other case, I wonder?"

"Because," replied the Don, "the new system is to work the 'Round Square'."

CHAPTER XV.

Mr. b.u.mpkin's experience of London life, enlarged.

On leaving the Old Bailey the two friends proceeded to a neighbouring public-house and partook of some light refreshment at the counter. Now Mr. b.u.mpkin had never yet examined the viands displayed on a counter.

His idea of refreshment, when from home, had always been a huge round of beef smoking at one end of the table and a large leg of mutton smoking at the other, with sundry dishes of similar pretensions between, and an immense quant.i.ty of vegetables. When, therefore he saw some stale-looking sandwiches under the ordinary gla.s.s cover, he exclaimed: "Wittals must be mighty scarce to clap 'em under a gla.s.s case."

"It's to keep the flies off;" said his companion.

"They need well keep un off, for there bean't enough for a couple if they was ony wise ongry like."

However, our friends made the best of what there was, and Mr. O'Rapley, wishing success to his companion, enquired who was to be his counsel.

"I doan't rightly know, but I'll warrant Mr. Prigg'll have a good un-he knows what he be about; and all I hopes is, he'll rattle it into that there Snooks, for if ever there wur a bad un it be him."

"He looks a bad un," replied O'Rapley. "When do you think the case is likely to come on?"

"Well, it is supposed as it ull be on to-morrer; but I bleeve there's no sartinty about thic. Now then, just give us a little moore, will 'ee sir?" (this to the waiter).

"I'll pay for the next," said O'Rapley, feeling in his pocket.

"Noa, noa, I'll pay; and thankee, sir, for comin'."

And then O'Rapley drank his friend's health again, and wished further success to the case, and hoped Mr. b.u.mpkin would be sure to come to him when he was at Westminster; and expressed himself desirous to a.s.sist his friend in every way that lay in his power-declaring that he really must be going for he didn't know what would happen if the Judge should find he was away; and was not at all certain it would not lead to some officious member of the House of Commons asking a question of the Prime Minister about it.

Mr. b.u.mpkin drank his good health, again and again, declaring he was "mighty proud to have met with un;" and that when the case was over and he had returned to his farm, he should be pleased if Mr. O'Rapley would come down and spend a few days with him. "Nancy," he said, "'ll be rare and pleased to see thee. I got as nice a little farm as any in the county, and as pooty pigs as thee ever clapped eyes on."

Mr. O'Rapley, without being too condescending, expressed himself highly gratified with making Mr. b.u.mpkin's acquaintance, and observed that the finest pigs ever he saw were those of the Lord Chief Justice.

"Dade, sir, now what sort be they?" Mr. O'Rapley was not learned in pigs, and not knowing the name of any breed whatever, was at a loss how to describe them. Mr. b.u.mpkin came to his a.s.sistance.

"Be they smooth like and slim?"

"Yes," said the Don.

"Hardly any hair?"

"Scarce a bit."

"They be Chichesters then-the werry best breed as a man ever had in his stye."

"I never see anything so pretty," replied Mr. O'Rapley.

"Ah! and they be the smallest-boned pigs as ever could be-they bean't got a bone bigger nor your little finger."

"Ha!" said the Don, finishing his gla.s.s, "the smaller the bone the more the meat, that's what I always say; and the Lord Chief Justice don't care for bone, he likes meat."

"An' so do I-the Lud Judge be right, and if he tries my case he'll know the difference betwixt thic pig as Snooks tooked away and one o' them there-"

"Jacka.s.s-looking pigs," said O'Rapley, seeing that his friend paused. "I hate them jacka.s.s pigs."

"So do I-they never puts on fat."

"I must go, really," said O'Rapley. "What do you make the right time?"

Master b.u.mpkin pulled out his watch with great effort, and said it was just a quarter past four by Yokelton time.

"Here's your good health again, Mr. b.u.mpkin."

"And yours, sir; and now I think on it, if it's a fair question Mr.

O'Rapley, and I med ax un wirout contempt, when do you think this 'ere case o' mine be likely to come on, for you ought to know summut about un?"

"Ha!" said the Don, partially closing one eye, and looking profoundly into the gla.s.s as though he were divining the future, "law, sir, is a mystery and judges is a mystery; masters is a mystery and 'sociates is a mystery; ushers is a mystery and counsel is a mystery;-the whole of life (here he tipped the contents of the gla.s.s down his throat) is a mystery."