The Humour and Pathos of Anglo-Indian Life Part 8

'Well,' returned her husband, 'if he does she can force him to raise the siege whenever she pleases, can't she?'

'I don't see it exactly in that light,' returned the lady; 'I think gentlemen should not endeavour to do all the mischief they can, and then shelter themselves under the plea that ladies can, and ought, always to take care of themselves.'

'There is a great deal to be said, Charlotte, on both sides; but tell me why ladies who have no fortunes to make, and whose election for weal or woe has been made years ago, continue to dress and dance, etc., just as they used to do when they were unmarried? Explain, if you please, the cause of these little performances before you utterly condemn the poor flies that are attracted by such Circean artifices.'

'Oh, William, I'm ashamed of you! You would go about to excuse the premeditated wickedness of men by trying to make out that the women are in fault in the first instance. I'm ashamed of you.'

'Ah, ma chere,' replied her husband, still laughing, 'however ingenious an attack may be as a defence, you have, in your ardour to defend your s.e.x, forgotten to explain the spring of the _pet.i.ts soin de toilette_ that I referred to.'

'What nonsense you talk!' replied the lady. 'Are ladies utterly to neglect themselves, and to appear as slatterns and slovens, merely because their husbands are away?'

'I see,' said her husband, 'that it matters nothing whether menkind have the right on their side or not; womenkind ever have the best of it with their tongues.'

'It is nothing of the kind,' said the lady; 'we have the best of it because we're in the right and you are not.'

'That's a pretty flourish, Charlotte, but it will hardly account for the impression made on the whole cantonment; and if my memory does not entirely mislead me, I think I can remember that but the day before yesterday a certain vivacious, voluble little friend of mine' ('I'll pinch you, William') 'said that the "deserted wives did not at least mourn in sackcloth and ashes." Didn't that little friend of mine say something to that effect?' said her husband, laughing so much that he could scarcely speak.

'Oh, you're a horrid fellow, and can remember anything you please, whether it was ever spoken or not.'

'Oh, Charly, Charly! you must be in a difficulty when you make such a dreadful charge as that, and, by innuendo, imply a doubt as to whether you ever spoke the words or not.'

'You've become a dreadful talker, William, and run into the greatest extravagance when you've nothing to the point to say; but pray recall your faculties. Here comes young Johnson, who joined us but the other day.'

After the usual salutations to the lady and gentleman, the young ensign said: 'Oh, Mrs. D., there's such fun going on, that I must tell you of it.'

'Pray do,' said the lady.

'Just sit where you are and keep your eyes open; in a few minutes you'll have Major B., in a handsome drag drawn by a pair of bays, with Mrs. W.

by his side, drive by. Not to make the thing too particular, the old fox has got Mrs. Flower and my chum, Hopkins, in the back seat; but it would do your heart good to hear how strong the Major is coming it with the lady by his side. I must say he's a man of metal, for every time he has out that same drag and bays, it costs him 25 Rs.; old Brasher charges no less.'

Here Captain D. burst out into an immoderate fit of laughter, in which his wife, as it seemed almost against her will, joined, though in a subdued manner.

'Oh, don't laugh now,' said the youngster; 'wait till you see the party and the dashing turn-out. They say the Major was never known to do such a thing before.'

By and by the drag and party appeared, greeted by bows and salutations from all sides. The Major, not at all discomposed by the fire of small jests in the shape of compliments, inquiries, and hopes that he would never put down such a pretty turn-out, drove round the band-stand twice, and then pulled up by the side of Captain D.'s carriage.

'Upon my honour,' said Captain D., 'the regiment is very much indebted to you, Mrs. W., for having put the Major in the right way at last. No suggestions of ours were potent enough to induce him to sport a turn-out like that; it really does as much credit to the regiment as to himself.'

'Oh, pray do not imagine that I had anything to do with it,' said Mrs.

W. 'I knew nothing about it until the arrangement had been made. Had I known anything about it I would not have suffered Major B. to incur such expense on my account; indeed, I have so much to thank him for that I was really vexed when I saw what his generosity and kindness had led him to do unknown to me. I declined at first to drive out in it, but I saw that he would think it ungrateful and unkind if I persisted in refusing to avail myself of what he was good enough to say would be a pleasure to him; moreover, as I knew the expense had been incurred I no longer refused, and, as you see, here I am. Besides, since this morning's post another reason has urged me to show my sense of Major B.'s kindness and attention in every way that I could that was right and proper. I only stay one day longer at Bangalore; my husband informs me that Colonel L.

has granted permission to all the ladies left here to rejoin their husbands as soon as they can make arrangements to do so. I have already written to the commissariat officer to post bearers for me, and shall start early the morning after to-morrow.'

'Oh, Mrs. W., what terrible news this is for me!' exclaimed the Major.

'I wondered this morning, when I called, what urgent business you had to prevent you from seeing me, but now I understand it all; you were packing up your trunks.'

'Yes, Major, I was packing up. Surely you couldn't think I would lose any time, when what I have been waiting for so long has come at last, could you?'

'I suppose not,' said the Major with a very downcast air. 'But, you see, I have been hoping you would stay here a good while longer, and the blow comes suddenly upon me. I knew you would go one time or other, but I never thought it would be so soon.'

'And I never thought it would be so long,' said Mrs. W.

'But you don't really mean to be off the morning after next? Surely you can't mean that,' muttered or half whispered the Major, in a most imploring tone of voice.

'Oh, I can and do mean it most positively,' said Mrs. W., laughing in a most provoking way. 'I have ordered a set of bearers, and a masulchi, and shall be off by three o'clock--not five o'clock--in the morning.'

'That's too cruel of you, Mrs. W.; and to remind me of that sweet song I used to delight in hearing you sing.'

'Oh, I shall come back by-and-by, and then I'll sing it for you again,'

replied Mrs. W., with a wicked smile that made all who saw and heard her, except the disconsolate Major, laugh outright.

'Ah,' said he, 'if I ever do hear you sing it again, it won't be the same song it was before to me.'

'And why not?' said the relentless Mrs. W., scarcely able to utter the words from suppressed laughter, which seemed also to have seized Mrs.

D., Captain D., and the two younger fellows, Johnson and Hopkins. But the Major, indifferent to everything but his grief, only said: 'Well, Mrs. W., I will have a cavady cooly and the boxes filled with European articles got ready for your journey, and you must not deny me the melancholy pleasure of seeing you off, and saying farewell to you.'

Mrs. W., after a little struggle to overcome the former tendency, said: 'On no account would I hear of such a thing, Major. I'll wish you good-bye to-morrow evening, and as to the boxes, don't think of it. I have supplies of everything I can want on the road. Besides, I should have no means to carry them. I travel dawk.'

'Oh, well,' said the Major, 'I'll see to all that; and don't suppose that I shall let you leave Bangalore without being up to see you off, at whatever hour it may be.'

'Well, Major B., I can't prevent you from doing what you say you will do, but I certainly think you'd be much better in bed.'

As the band began to play the National Anthem, the carriages began to move off, but the two young men stayed behind to talk over the scene they had just taken part in. They ordered their horsekeepers to take their bays home, and then leisurely walked on to the mess-room, indulging, as they sauntered along, in repeated bursts of laughter.

Johnson, who first recovered himself, said, turning to his friend: 'Now, can you fancy that anyone could be so blind as our worthy, the Major?

The old fogey, in his latter days, has become so amorous, so demented, about Mrs. W., that he can't help making love to her before everybody.'

'That's plain enough, and patent to everyone who has got eyes and ears,'

returned Hopkins. 'And to see how she treats him! Upon my soul, it's the finest fun I've had since I've been here,' remarked Johnson.

'Why,' returned Hopkins, 'she laughs at him so openly that if he were not what he is, he must see it.'

'But he don't,' said Johnson, 'that is the best of it--he don't, and goes on worshipping, and never minding, in a way that's unlike anything I ever saw before. I won't say "more majorum," for that would be a libel on all other majors.'

'Well,' said Hopkins, 'that would require a free translation indeed to translate it into wit, for which I suppose it's meant. You ought to rejoice old Leatherum is not behind you: he would score up marks against you for which you would not be able to find a free translation, I suspect.'

'You and old Leatherum be hanged!' said Johnson.

'Thank you for nothing,' returned Hopkins. 'Hang "_odi profanum vulgus_" whenever you please, but as for me, I'm not inclined that way just now, so won't trouble you for any such delicate attention. Besides, I shouldn't exactly rejoice to see you turn Jack Ketch after bearing her Majesty's colours.'

'It would scarcely be needful, I suspect, if I gave you rope enough,'

returned Johnson.

'You seem to be particularly attached to this line of ill.u.s.tration, Johnson, but as it is not altogether new, let's try something else.'

'With all my heart,' returned Johnson, 'but what line shall we take up?'

'I don't know that we need take up any,' replied Hopkins. 'Suppose we get up on the morning after next in time to witness the parting between the Major and Mrs. W.?'

'Why, you don't think old "Amoroso" will really get up after what she said to him, do you?' said Johnson.