The Humour and Pathos of Anglo-Indian Life Part 18

'Truly, as you have said, most n.o.ble President,' replied my brother, as he rose to respond to the call made on him, 'I am the person most interested, because I am the person most benefited, and were I without a wife or family I should say solely benefited. At any rate, I have received that described elsewhere in these words, "What will not a man give for his life?" Sure, to a brave man, the stab of a poniard or knife, the stroke of a sabre, or the blow from a ball, are, as respects himself, little heeded, and are faced without a moment's hesitation on very slight grounds. But, gentlemen, there are pangs that strike deeper, and pangs that are felt more keenly by the bravest than any that can affect him personally. Can a husband, think you, feel no deeper pang at parting for ever from a beloved wife? Can a father, think you, leave helpless orphans behind him and feel no deeper pang than lead or steel can inflict? Your own kindly hearts, silently yet eloquently, answer my questions. Can I, then, measure the extent of my obligations to a friend who has saved me from sorrows such as these? Lifelong grat.i.tude is insufficient to mark that measure. Well may I repeat his simple but genuine expression of feeling when I say, "I have not the gift of words to express it." Gentlemen, I am forbidden by the regulation which has been established, not because we are "Odd Fellows," as suggested by our excellent friend Mr. H., but on account of the extreme modesty of that matchless friend to whom I owe so much, but may not name. The king of our party for this evening has enjoined us to go into no details, and to avoid all particulars. I am thus forbidden to speak as I would wish of that lightning-flash of intellect, which, guided by his rapid eye, revealed to him instantaneously a danger that no one but himself perceived. In like manner I am debarred from enlarging on that decision--that wonderful decision that guided his action. A single second's delay would have enabled the poor maniac to strike, and so close and with such a weapon, death would have been inevitable. Neither am I permitted to describe that instantaneous and robust action which converted the internal electric message and order into practice.

Intelligence like intuition, decision without an instant's hesitation, with courage, strength, and skill, as well as reckless self-devotion, are all manifested here in the highest degree; qualities which, when united, win the love, respect, and admiration of all who witness them, and which, in addition, so far as concerns myself, have converted a casual acquaintance into a grateful and attached friend for life.

'Gentlemen, I should infringe our regulation if I stated the name of the man to whom these remarks refer; but it needs not, there is a _vox non audita_, as well as a _lex non scripta_, and this inaudible voice will teach you to whom my words apply: and also those words I have not spoken, those words which would in part convey by sounds the thoughts and feelings that must remain unspoken, ineffable, the thoughts and feelings of a grateful heart. Gentlemen, before I sit down, I beg leave to drink all your healths.'

During the whole time that my brother was speaking there was a profound silence; when he sat down there was a hum and a subdued thumping on the table, but not the uproarious applause that had greeted the two previous speakers. During almost the whole time occupied by my brother's speech, Mitchel had remained with his head bowed over the table; when my brother sat down he stretched his hand over to him, and there was a long pressure of hands, while both were perfectly silent.

Mr. G. now got up and said: 'The deep feeling and the good sense of the Doctor's admirable speech seem to have subdued us all, but at the same time to have decreased our mirth. This must not be; we are met here to ill.u.s.trate the value and the wisdom of our dear Shakespeare's words, "All's well that ends well," so let us have a hip! hip! hurray for the Doctor's speech, and then we'll call on one of our friends to sing or do something to enliven us; or we'll order coffee, and get up a match at billiards.' So the hurraying was duly gone through, and then, as no one seemed inclined for more wine, coffee was ordered; and shortly after Mr.

H. took his departure.

Henry B. then said aloud to one of the peons: 'Will you go and call my boy, Ramasawmy. I've forgotten my cigar-case.' Ramasawmy appeared almost before G. could say: 'Never mind your cheroots. I've got a lot of good ones here, so help yourself.' 'Thank you,' said B., 'I'll take one to amuse me till my own are forthcoming; but I don't wish to lose my case.

I dare say it's in the palkee.' Ramasawmy departed, but having been carefully instructed shortly came back to say he couldn't find it. 'Oh, you're a stupid fellow!' said B., 'I'll be bound I find it in a minute.

Just excuse me for a moment or two, and I'll be back almost before you can look round.' So B. and his boy, Ramasawmy, went to the palankeen, and of course found no cigar-case.

'Now, boy,' said B., 'you know where you're to watch. Here's the cigar-case; you are, as soon as you see the palkee coming, to run back and give the case to me publicly. I shall then ask you where you found it, and you must reply: "Come with me, sir, and I will show"--you understand.' 'Yes, sar, understand.' After this little private dialogue, B. returned, saying as he rejoined his friends: 'It's odd I can't find the case in the palkee, so I have ordered the boy to go home for it.'

'What a fuss you make about the case, B.; you can get cigars and plenty here, so make yourself easy, man, and take up a cue,' said G. 'There will be four of you without me; I'll look on.' 'I'll be hanged if you do!' returned Mitchel, 'we'll draw lots; lowest figure sits out.' 'I'm afraid,' said Mr. H., 'that you must not count on me; you must make up your match without me; you know that I bargained with you, G., that I was to leave about half-past nine.' 'All right,' said G., 'it's a long way off that now; there's oceans of time for a match.' 'Well,' said H., 'if I do play, the match must be a short one, say fifty.' 'Don't be alarmed, man,' said G., 'there's plenty of time for a hundred.' 'No, no,' said H., 'I can't play if it's more than a fifty.' 'Come,' said G., 'split the difference, we'll make it seventy.' 'So be it then,' said H.; 'let us make our sides at once. Mitchel is the best amongst us, therefore whoever has him must give ten points.' 'Agreed,' said G., 'but who sits out? There's the Doctor, Captain B., and Henry B.' 'I really can't play till I hear about my cigar-case,' said H. B. 'Upon my word, B., you make more bother about the confounded case than it's worth,'

said Mitchel. 'I shouldn't wonder,'said G., 'that he has got some notes on pink paper richly perfumed in that same case, instead of cigars.'

'Oh, that's it, is it!' said H.; 'I really began to think he was getting off his head. I never knew him to care two straws about a cigar-case before.' 'It's very hard,' said B., with a pretended mock-modest air, 'that a man can't look for his cigar-case without having all his little peccadillos inquired into, and without, as it were, being hauled up for summary judgment. I say "live and let live;" you go on with your game, and I'll go on with mine.'

All this was really so well acted that poor Mr. H. was entirely thrown off his guard. Captain B. could not see very well by candle-light, so he declined playing; thus the sides were G. and my brother against H. and Mitchel. The game was begun with great spirit by Mitchel, who scored a dozen before G. had made a point. By-and-by Mitchel was put out, and H.

and G. played very evenly; then G. was put out, and it was my brother against H., both cautious, the score thirty-five to twenty-eight. 'If we don't get on faster than this,' said H., 'I shall have to throw up; my palkee will be here shortly, and as Mrs. H. sits up for me, I never keep her waiting.' 'Of course you could not do that,' said G. 'Of course not,' said my brother. At this moment Ramasawmy entered panting and holding up the cigar-case, and exclaiming: 'I've found it, sir!' 'Where did you find it?' said B. 'Was it at home, or was it, after all, in the palkee?' 'Come and see, sir! I show place in the palkee.' 'Before you go,' said G., 'let us see what kind are the cigars you've got in it.'

'Not for the world,' said B., possessing himself of the case, and b.u.t.toning it up in a breast-pocket; 'not for the world.' 'That's too bad,' said Mitchel, 'after all this palaver, not to let us see what the tobacco's like; very shabby, upon my life.' 'I see,' said G., laughing; 'I say, B., tell us her Christian name.' But H. B. was off to his palkee to see where the case could have been hidden; but instead of stopping at his palkee, he walked on rapidly in the direction indicated by his boy.

He soon met Mr. H.'s palkee and bearers; he stopped them at once (and being master's cousin they had not the slightest suspicion that the Saib was cozening them), and said to them: 'Mr. H. does not want to go home just yet, so you come with me, and I'll show you where to put the palkee; and while you wait I'll tell the butler to send you a good curry, and a bottle of brandy.' Bearers are very good fellows as a rule, yet they are but men, after all; therefore, after a little show of resistance, they followed Mr. B., who took them to the back of the G.o.downs in perfect silence, then qualms of conscience, or more properly fear of consequences, overcame their resolution, and the head boy said: 'But, sar, missis very angry, not bring master home soon.' 'Yes,' said Henry B., 'missis a little angry, but master much like to stay.'

While the boys were hesitating, the curry and rice and the bottle of brandy made their appearance. This almost decided the matter, but fear again interfered in this shape. 'But, sar, what can tell when come too late--what can tell?' 'You can say that Mr. G. so good; give curry and rice while master play. Then when curry and rice done eat you lay down to sleep, and you make a little mistake and sleep a little too long.'

The rascals grinned, evidently relishing the joke and the prospect.

Still they might have refused had not B. judiciously vanquished their scruples by placing 10 Rs. in the hand of the head bearer. They looked at one another, their eyes gleamed, and then they severally pressed Mr.

B.'s hand against their foreheads, which he perfectly understood as a sign of fealty and allegiance for the time; then he left them to enjoy their feast, and went back to his friends.

On his return he said: 'It was no great wonder that I couldn't find it; it had somehow slipped from the pocket between the panel and the lining.

Even when we got to the palkee the boy himself was some time before he could again find the place.' 'Very good,' said G.; 'the mysterious disappearance of the case is at last accounted for. But won't you, now that you've got it safe, let us look at the tobacco? What can your objection be?' 'Really, G.,' said H. B., 'you wouldn't ask me to do such a thing! I appeal to you, would it be honourable, or gentleman-like, or generous, or--or proper in any point of view? Now would it?' 'Good heavens!' returned G.; 'you quite overwhelm me. Is there anything dishonourable, or ungentleman-like, or improper in showing a little tobacco? You must be dreaming.' 'No, G.; but you know what I mean. Now don't, like a good fellow, press me. Of course there could be nothing wrong in showing a little tobacco; but you know (don't press me too hard)--suppose, I say--suppose it were possible that the case did or might contain---- I say, suppose it were possible that it did contain----' 'Well,' said G., laughing heartily and in good earnest at the admirable way in which B. acted his part--'well, if there should be, what?' 'Upon my life, it's not fair. You know very well, every gentleman knows, that there are some things which honour forbids him to speak of, and some things which honour doubly forbids him to show.' 'Game,' said G., as he made a winning hazard and a canon at the same stroke. 'I bow,'

said Mr. H.; 'and now it's time for me to go.' 'Nonsense!' said G.; 'it isn't near your time yet. We ran this game off so quickly that there will be time--plenty of time--for another short game.' 'It is not so, I a.s.sure you,' said H.; 'in fact, I ought to be off now. But I can't think what detains my palkee.' 'Why, it's not much beyond half-past eight yet,' said G. 'What's the hurry? You're due to us till half-past nine at least.' 'But,' said H., 'it's half-past nine now. See for yourself'

(pulling out his watch); 'it's just half-past nine.' 'Half-past nine!

It's impossible! We haven't been playing half an hour, and I'm sure it wasn't more than eight when we began.' 'Facts are stubborn things, friend G. If you won't believe my watch, look at your own.' 'I never was so deceived if it is so,' said G.; 'that's all I can say. Chasra, on my dressing-table you'll find my watch; bring it me.'

While G.'s watch was being sent for the other conspirators consulted their watches. Mitchel said: 'I can't look at mine, for it's at--for it's at--I'm ashamed to mention where, lest my uncle should reproach me.' All laughed at this sally till H. said: 'Why, what's that in your waistcoat pocket? And is that handsome chain attached to nothing?' 'Oh, this,' said Mitchel--'this is only for show, and as for the other, it's only a dummy. The real Simon pure is gone on a ticket of leave; in short, it's a case of tick, tick.' 'Well, you're a humourist, Master Mitchel, as well as the king of the evening; but this does not prove that it's not half-past nine.' 'Half-past nine!' said Henry B.; 'it's quite out of the question. I've been waiting to hear what the others said, but here's my ticker--not gone on a ticket of leave as my friend's has--and it says no such thing: but as I'm not very precise in setting and winding up, I wait to hear what others say.' Captain B. now produced an old-fashioned watch of amazing dimensions, which he showed to my brother, begging him to say what time it pointed to. 'Half-past eight p.m.,' said my brother. 'Ah,' said the old Captain, 'it never varies a minute in the twenty-four hours. It's a chronometer, though rather an old one; set it at 6 a.m. in the morning, and at 6 a.m. the next morning there won't be the difference of a half minute.' 'What does your watch say, Doctor?' inquired H.; 'it's very extraordinary that there should be such a difference.' 'My watch,' said my brother, 'points to half-past eight precisely.' Here G.'s Chasra came in with G.'s watch in his hand.

G. opened it, and held it out triumphantly to H. 'I can't make it out,'

said that gentleman; 'the watch was all right this morning, and I can see it hasn't stopped. I can't think what has happened; all the watches agree except mine.' 'It is very remarkable,' said G. 'I really can't quite understand, nor explain it either, unless you by some accident set your watch an hour too fast.' 'That's just it,' said Henry B.; 'that's what he has done that he might get away the sooner. He says it was an accident.' 'I never said anything of the kind,' said H.; 'it was G. who suggested it, as a possible explanation. But what do your clocks say, G.? You have one very good hall clock by Frodsham, and a Samuel Slick; if they agree and say 8.30 p.m., I shall think that, by some mental preoccupation, I must have made the mistake you suggest. But truly it's a singular accident that never happened before.' 'He says,' said B., 'that he thinks it must have been an accident. I have my own opinion as to that; he's an artful dodger, is this worthy cousin of mine. An accident done for the purpose might perhaps explain the matter. Here he comes with G., after examining the clocks.'

'Well, what say you now?' said H. B. 'I suppose,' replied H., 'I must have made the mistake of setting my watch an hour too fast, though how I can have done so, and not have observed it all day, is past my comprehension.' 'What's the use of talking?' said H. B. 'The thing is clear enough. All our watches agree, and so you find do the clocks. But there's another proof--if your palkee were here, you would be sure that you were right, and that we were wrong; but you see it isn't here, and you can't suppose that Mrs. H. has made any mistake, can you?' 'Why, no,' said H.; 'she's very accurate as to time.' 'Well,' returned H. B., 'that must be a great comfort to you,' though he could scarcely restrain his laughter. 'Now let us have another game,' said G., 'for a hundred, and that will give you and Mitchel a chance of recovering your lost laurels.' 'Aye, come along H.; we'll beat them this time,' said Mitchel.

'And as you've got ample time for play, there need be no hurried strokes.' 'Ah!' returned H.; 'I intend to play this time.' 'Bravo!' said G., though he could scarcely speak from his desire to laugh. My brother kept silent from the same cause, and Captain B. was openly on the broad grin. But all this pa.s.sed off. H. was fairly talked down, persuaded by the c.u.mulative evidence brought to bear against him that his senses had on this occasion deceived him; to use the popular expression, he was fairly persuaded out of his senses, to which result the non-arrival of the palankeen mainly contributed. He knew very well that Mrs. H. was not likely to make any mistake relative to her personal comforts; so, his mind being set at ease, he bent his whole energies to the play, and right well he did play. When the game was over, Mitchel confessed that it was H., and not himself, who had won it; and when G. and my brother acknowledged their defeat, H., in high feather, said, 'I must say it serves you right; you've done nothing but laugh and joke, and have paid attention to everything but your game. If fellows, when they have any kind of opponents, will do that, they deserve to lose.' 'Spoken like a judge, indeed,' observed G.; still, for some unaccountable reason, he continued to chuckle and laugh. '"Spoken like a judge!" I say, "Spoken like an oracle,"' said Mitchel. 'Judges are sometimes wrong; oracles never.' 'Ah, there it is!' said H.; 'it's this kind of chaff that's been the ruin of your game. You keep on provoking each other to laugh, till none of you can hold a cue steadily. The Doctor twice missed the simplest canon, merely from laughing.' Here H.'s harangue was cut short by H. B., who came in from outside to announce the arrival of Mr. H.'s palkee and bearers, to whom he had in a moment given the welcome intelligence that they need make no apology for being late, as Mr. H.

had not required them. In a few seconds after, Mr. H. B. did so in his own peculiar manner--_i.e._, by calling out 'Mr. H.'s carriage stops the way,' which was scarcely p.r.o.nounced when the bearers announced themselves by their 'hum, hum; ha, ha,' etc. H. at once descended from the judgment-seat into the obedient husband. He lost no time in bidding good-bye and shaking hands with everyone. 'Can't stay any longer, thank you, G. You know I bargained to go at half-past nine, and it's fully that now.' 'Yes,' said H. B., 'I think it's full that now; therefore it's time for you to go. I know Mrs. H. won't go to bed till you go home. Well, if ever I take a wife, I hope I shall get such a blessing.

Good-bye.' 'Good-bye,' said H. As he got into his palankeen, he said, 'I thank you, G., for a very pleasant evening.' 'Good-bye,' was returned by all. As Mr. H. moved off, he said, 'Let me recommend you all to follow my example.' 'We would if we could,' returned H. B., 'but we haven't got the opportunity.' 'Oh yes, you have; you can all retire early if you will.'

Mr. H. was no sooner gone than the whole party gave way freely to the laughter they had been so long contending against; it was hearty and long continued. The first who recovered himself was G. 'I did not know,'

said he to H. B., 'that you were such an accomplished actor, B. Your acting about the cigar-case and the supposed _billet-doux_ was really inimitable.' 'Yes,' said Mitchel; 'he did it so well that he really deceived me, and made me think that he actually had got something of that kind in his case.' 'There it is,' said H. B.; 'if you can find any _billet-doux_ therein, you may keep them for your trouble.' 'There,'

replied Mitchel; 'I agree with G. that you are a first-rate actor, or dissembler, whichever term you like best.' 'Oh, they're both so highly complimentary that all I can do is to bow and say, "Pray spare my blushes,"' which he uttered with such an affected and coquettish air and manner that again he set the whole party in a roar. 'H. says,' resumed H. B., 'that he thanks G. for a very pleasant evening. I hope he will find it equally so when he gets home; but, as our friends on the north of the Tweed say, "I ha'e my doots."' 'I also "ha'e my doots,"' said G.

'I don't think,' said my brother, 'that I "ha'e any doots"; on the contrary, I strongly suspect (if what I hear be not altogether libellous) that he will find the atmosphere at home uncommonly hot just now.' 'I shouldn't wonder, from his haste to be gone as soon as the palkee came here, that he has a fear of what's coming,' said old Captain B. 'Well,' said B., 'I agree with you, and shouldn't wonder if before he reaches the petticoat he has an attack of cold shivers. Some ladies, for the offence of keeping them waiting, would content themselves with making the atmosphere cool, or cold, according to the gravity of the crime, and the length of time it had been persisted in; but dear Mrs. H.

is of such a temperament that I am sure poor H. will find neither coolness nor coldness in his domestic atmosphere--it will be hot, very hot, you may rely on it.' 'If,' said the old Captain, 'he does not get his wig combed by a three-legged stool, he may think himself lucky.'

'Well said again, B.,' said G. 'You've been silent all the evening, and now you're beginning to come out in good style.' 'The truth is, I was afeard to say anythink, lest I should laugh outright; and I never likes to spile sport,' said the old man. 'No,' said G., 'I'm sure you don't; you're too good a sample of an old salt to do that.' 'Sailors ain't commonly fond of doing that, I do think,' replied the old boy, highly pleased at the compliment. 'Only think,' said H. B., 'how H. is catching it now! I should pity him, if I could for laughing.' 'I confess,' said G., 'the fun overcomes the pity, in my mind. If a man _likes_ to have dirty water emptied on his head _a la_ Mrs. Xantippe, he deserves what he gets. We have, after all, only detained him an hour, so that there isn't anything really to complain of; and he is perfectly innocent of any premeditated crime. We can all bear witness that it was only by a ruse that we got him to stay at all. Knowing this as he must do, he shows himself to be neither manly nor wise,' remarked G., 'to suffer himself to be so used; but if he likes it, let him have it.' 'So I say,'

said Mitchel; 'let him have it.' 'But,' said my brother, 'what was the object, Mitchel, of your pretty little tale about your watch and your uncle, and all that, when, not more than ten minutes before, I saw you put a handsome gold hunter into your waistcoat pocket?' 'Why, you see,'

replied Mitchel, 'I don't like telling any more lies than are needful, and therefore I evaded the question.' 'Commend me to your nice and delicate conscience!' replied my brother. 'You tell half a dozen unnecessary lies to avoid one.' 'Come, Doctor, that won't do. Is there no difference in fabricating terradiddles such as these, and answering a direct question by a designedly untruthful reply?' 'Now,' replied my brother, 'you are turning jest into earnest; you forget the whole thing was a joke.' 'No joke to H., you may rely on that, as he has found out before now,' said H. B. 'Oh, let us hope,' said G., 'that the fire has burnt itself out, and that they have made it up, and set things right by this time.' 'Amen,' said Mitchel; 'let them fight, or love--it's all the same to me.' It was now near 12 p.m. My brother had taken his departure some time before; Captain B. had done the same; Mitchel and H. B. only were left, and they now wished G. good-night, both declaring that they had spent a very jolly evening. Just before H. B. got into his palkee, he said, 'I think I shall call on Mrs. H. to-morrow.' 'No,' returned G.; 'you haven't impudence enough for that.' 'Haven't I? We shall see,' said H. B. 'Yes, we shall see,' said G. 'Good-night.' 'Good-night,' returned B., and off he went.

The next day, as my brother was returning from his hospital, at which he had had an extra and emergent case, he saw B.'s palkee at G.'s door, and though he was anxious to get home to his dinner (he always dined at 3 p.m.), curiosity prompted him to look in at G.'s for a few minutes. G.

said, as he shook hands with him: 'You've come just in time to hear B.'s report of his visit to Mrs. H.' 'To Mrs. H.? Surely he has not had the audacity to go there! I should have thought that after the little performances of last night that was the last place he would have ventured near.' 'So did I,' replied G., 'and though he said last night before he left that he thought he should call on Mrs. H. this morning, I didn't believe he meant to do it.' 'But he has done it,' said H. B., 'and if you like I'll tell you what pa.s.sed between us.' 'Of course we should like to hear the report beyond everything.' 'Well,' said B., his eyes dancing with the sense of fun, 'as soon as I stepped out of the palkee the maty came running to say Mrs. not very well; couldn't see me.

I expected this, and was prepared for it. I had written on one of my cards in pencil "Very particular." I gave it to him, and told him to give it to his mistress, and that I would wait for the answer. By-and-by he came to say that if I would step into the drawing-room and sit down for a few minutes Mrs. H. would see me. So I sat down, and in about ten minutes the fair lady made her appearance, and without saying good-morning, or shaking hands with me, or any of the usual proprieties, she said at once: "Very pretty doings at Mr. Goodwin's last night--doings that I don't think at all respectable--keeping my husband out half the night." "Oh, not so bad as that, Harriet" (we are cousins, you know), interrupted I. "As to the exact time I can't say," said Mrs.

H., "but I know he was much later than he ought to have been, and much later than he promised me he would be, and I don't thank you for helping to detain him--in fact, from his account you were quite as bad as Mr. G.

himself." "If you knew all," said I, "you wouldn't say that." "If I knew all," said Mrs. H. "What do you mean"--opening her eyes wide--"if I knew all? Pray explain yourself." "It is for that reason that I am here,"

said I. "Well, what is it?" said the lady, becoming impatient. "But I know"--making her eyes small again--"you have nothing to tell me; you only want to excuse and smooth down that very pretty, gentleman-like trick of deceiving my husband as to the hour. I wonder you were not all of you ashamed to combine together to tell a falsehood in order to deceive a poor----" Here she stopped. "Weak silly fellow" I thought was coming, but she recollected herself in time and stopped, and then said: "But I'll take care how he goes to Mr. G.'s again, that you may rely on.

And pray, sir" (I saw she was getting warm), "what may this explanation or excuse be that you say on your card is so _very particular_?" "Why, really, Mrs. H., though I have come here for this very purpose, I hesitate to tell you." "But I insist upon knowing, sir, though you have not acted in this instance as a relative. I consider you are bound in honour and as a gentleman to tell me what you have called me from a sick-bed to hear. Pray go on, sir. But tell me, before you do so, how it was that my bearers were decoyed to eat and drink with Mr. G.'s servants before they announced themselves. Was that another of his pretty little devices to induce a husband to break his promises, and spend his evening away from his wife? A very pretty and respectable leader for all the young men of the place; but it's quite consistent with his disreputable mode of life. But for you, a relative, to league yourself with such a man, and to aid and abet him in his vile arts and practices, it's too bad--really disgraceful! And then there's that disreputable Doctor, leaving his wife to spend what he calls a jolly evening. As he doesn't seem to know it, it's a pity his wife doesn't teach him his duty better, and she would if she were the right stamp of woman; but she isn't, poor benighted creature, with her papistry and superst.i.tion! If it wasn't for this she'd teach that good-for-nothing, disreputable husband of hers not to go on in such a disgraceful way." Here she really couldn't go on for want of breath, so I said: "But what does the Doctor do that's disgraceful?" "Does he not leave his wife to spend the night by herself in order that he may consort with bachelors and boys? He, a married man, and a medical man too! Isn't that disgraceful? But I suppose not in your estimation." "On my honour, Mrs. H., I can't see any harm in the Doctor's spending an evening with a friend, though he has the misfortune to be a bachelor." "Oh, there are always two ways of putting things, Mr.

B., and if the company in themselves were not highly unbecoming for a married man and a medical man and a senior to keep, was it not unbecoming and disgraceful to help in telling a lie? You may not consider such conduct disgraceful, but I do, sir, especially when I know the object. Then, to make your party the more select, you could find no one, besides the vulgar old sea-captain, or whatever he may be, and that roistering, drinking, smoking, gambling, irreligious young fellow, Lieutenant Mitchel, making good the old saying, 'Tell me your company and I'll tell you what you are.'" She had nearly run herself out, but I was patient, and only said: "Truly, Mrs. H., you have given the whole party all round a sharp dressing." "Sharp dressing! I only wish I had the power to do so; you'd see I wouldn't spare them!" ("I'm sure you wouldn't," said I to myself; but I spoke no word.) "Sharp dressing indeed! Not half as much as they deserve who invent and tell lies with intent to do mischief and breed disturbance in families! Faugh! I haven't patience with such doings or such people! And then your magnanimous, generous, and hospitable friend, Mr. G., could extend his hospitality to everyone in the station but poor Mr. Gundert, who is too poor himself to drink a gla.s.s of champagne, though the good man enjoys it, when he does get it, perhaps a little more than he, as a clergyman, ought to do. Him Mr. G. couldn't include in his invite. No; a good and pious, really religious man would be out of place at Mr. G.'s table, and wouldn't be acceptable, I suppose, either to himself or the rest of the set he has there." Having now gone all round the ring, and thoroughly run herself down, she returned to the question which, in her anger and indignation against Mr. G. and all his friends, she had allowed to remain dormant for a time, and once more she said: "What is this explanation that is so 'very particular,' and which nevertheless you, in your great delicacy and diffidence, hesitate to communicate? Will you now condescend to mention it, or will you leave it unspoken? Only as I am not well I request you to come to a decision without more delay." She then allowed her hands to fall into her lap, and looked me, with her eyes wide open, full in the face. It was well for me that she hadn't the strength or claws or fangs of a tigress, or undoubtedly it would have been bad for me. As it was, I bore her stare without flinching, and said: "If you will permit me to make the remark, I have been waiting with some little patience for you to give me the opportunity of making this explanation. I could not do so sooner without interrupting you."

"Well, sir, I am waiting your pleasure."

'"Then, Mrs. H., I can truly say that all we did last night was done with the best intentions, and I am sorry to see that our little harmless joke has been taken up by you so very seriously."

'"Harmless joke!" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed Mrs. H.; "a nice sample of a harmless joke indeed, to deceive an unsuspecting man and make him break his word to his wife and thereby cause dissensions; a nice harmless joke indeed! But pray, sir, what do you mean by your 'good intentions'? No doubt they were as good as your acts. But what do you wish me to understand by the expression? Pray be brief, and, if you can, candid."

'"Why, then, Mrs. H., we did it solely to please your husband."

'"Stop, sir; don't add to your other ill-deeds by insulting Mr. H. as well as myself. A statement like that is too gross to tolerate."

'"There it is," said I. "You won't hear me, but keep on pitching into me, and say that I am insulting H. and yourself."

'"Yes, sir, I do say so, when you have the a.s.surance to tell me that in deceiving my husband you did it to please him."

'"Well, Mrs. H., why won't you let me explain to you my meaning?"

'"Your meaning is insulting, sir."

'"Don't be angry, Harriet, without cause."

'"I have cause; and don't Harriet me. I don't wish to acknowledge relationship with one who acts so unlike a relation."

'"Pardon me; I do not act unlike a relative. It is you who imagine that I act so. Now tell me, is it insulting to imagine that your husband likes a game at billiards, and that he would like to play the return game, only that he couldn't in consequence of his promise to you; is that insulting?"

'"That is not insulting," returned Mrs. H.; "but I don't see what you are aiming at, and I know there is something behind."

'"Well, then, so far, you admit, we were not to blame. Now, to afford him the opportunity of playing, while all the while he was perfectly innocent of any intention either to deceive you or to break his promise, is, after all, not a very serious offence, is it?"

'"You have certainly honourably exonerated my husband from lending himself to your practices; but, in doing so, you have taken on yourselves the whole odium of the proceeding." And, getting angry again, she said: "Pray, sir, how do you know that my husband really wanted to play and have this return match, as you say? It is, in spite of all your ingenuity, a very poor compliment to me as well as to my husband to say or to insinuate that he preferred your sweet company to mine, for that's what it comes to."

'"Oh no; nothing of the sort, Mrs. H. Consider Mr. H. has you always, and has seldom the chance of a match at billiards."

'"Thank you, sir; your candour is equalled by your politeness; but I don't put the slightest faith in your story; I don't believe that my husband showed, by word or deed, that he would rather stay away from me.

It's a vile insinuation and a libel. If I thought so I'd----But no, there isn't a particle of truth in the idea. What proof can you bring forward; what foundation have you for so scandalous a supposition?"

'"I see you turn everything against me," said I, "and that whatever I say I only come in for more blame; therefore I'll say no more, though as to the proofs for our opinion they were palpable enough. People, all as one man, can't mistake joyous looks, and lively manner, and sparkling eyes for displeasure or for anything but signs of satisfaction; but I see you don't believe me, and that I am offending you still more."

'"You are, sir, both displeasing and offending me. I wonder how you dare to traduce my husband behind his back in such a way, and to my very face, too; but, as I said before, it's a vile calumny, and I don't believe there's a shadow of ground for such an impertinent a.s.sumption; but the moment my husband comes home I shall ascertain if there is, and if----But I know it's all your evil disposition and imagination. I wish you good-morning, sir."