The Humorous Poetry of the English Language; from Chaucer to Saxe Part 63

Instant the RING was broke, and shouts and yells From Trojan FLASHMEN and Sicilian SWELLS Fill'd the wide heaven--while, touch'd with grief to see His PAL, [Footnote: Friend] well-known through many a LARK and SPREE, [Footnote: Party of pleasure and frolic]

Thus RUMLY FLOOR'D, the kind ACESTES ran, And pitying raised from earth the GAME old man, Uncow'd, undamaged to the SPORT he came, His limbs all muscle, and his soul all flame.

The memory of his MILLING glories past, The shame that aught but death should see him GRa.s.s'D, All fired the veteran's PLUCK--with fury flush'd, Full on his light-limb'd CUSTOMER he rush'd-- And HAMMERING right and left, with ponderous swing, RUFFIAN'D the reeling youngster round the RING-- Nor rest, nor pause, nor breathing-time was given, But, rapid as the rattling hail from heaven Beats on the house-top, showers of RANDALL'S SHOT [Footnote: A favorite blow of THE NONPARIEL'S, so called.]

Around the Trojan's LUGS flew peppering hot!

Till now AENEAS, fill'd with anxious dread, Rush'd in between them, and, with words well-bred Preserved alike the peace and DARES' head, BOTH which the veteran much inclined to BREAK-- Then kindly thus the PUNISH'D youth bespake: Poor JOHNNY RAW! what madness could impel So RUM a FLAT to face so PRIME a SWELL?

Sees't thou not, boy, THE FANCY, heavenly Maid, Herself descends to this great HAMMERER'S aid, And, singling HIM from all her FLASH adorers, Shines in his. .h.i.tS, and thunders in his FLOORERS?

Then, yield thee, youth--nor such a SPOONEY be, To think mere man can MILL a Deity!"

Thus spoke the Chief--and now, the SCRIMAGE o'er, His faithful PALS the DONE-UP DARES bore Back to his home, with tottering GAMS, sunk heart, And MUNS and NODDLE PINK'D in every part.

While from his GOB the guggling CLARET gush'd, And lots of GRINDERS, from their sockets crush'd, Forth with the crimson tide in rattling fragments rush'd!

NOT A SOUS HAD HE GOT.

[PARODY ON WOLFE'S "BUKIAL or SIB JOHN MOORE."]

R. HARRIS BARHAM

Not a SOUS had he got--not a guinea or note, And he looked confoundedly flurried, As he bolted away without paying his shot, And the Landlady after him hurried.

We saw him again at dead of night, When home from the Club returning; We twigg'd the Doctor beneath the light Of the gas-lamp brilliantly burning.

All bare, and exposed to the midnight dews, Reclined in the gutter we found him; And he look'd like a gentleman taking a snooze, With his MARSHALL cloak around him.

"The Doctor's as drunk as the d----," we said, And we managed a shutter to borrow; We raised him, and sigh'd at the thought that his head Whould "consumedly ache" on the morrow.

We bore him home, and we put him to bed, And we told his wife and his daughter To give him, next morning, a couple of red Herrings, with soda-water.--

Loudly they talk'd of his money that's gone, And his Lady began to upbraid him; But little he reck'd, so they let him snore on 'Neath the counterpane just as we laid him.

We tuck'd him in, and had hardly done When, beneath the window calling, We heard the rough voice of a son of a gun Of a watchman "One o'clock!" bawling.

Slowly and sadly we all walk'd down From his room in the uppermost story; A rushlight was placed on the cold hearth-stone, And we left him alone in his glory!!

RAISING THE DEVIL.

A LEGEND OF CORNELIUS AGRIPPA.

R. HARRIS BARHAM.

"And hast thou nerve enough?" he said, That gray Old Man, above whose head Unnumbered years have roll'd-- "And hast thou nerve to view," he cried, "The incarnate Fiend that Heaven defied!-- -- Art thou indeed so bold?

"Say, canst Thou, with unshrinking gaze, Sustain, rash youth, the withering blaze Of that unearthly eye, That blasts where'er it lights--the breath That, like the Simoom, scatters death On all that yet CAN die!

--"Darest thou confront that fearful form, That rides the whirlwind, and the storm, In wild unholy revel!-- The terrors of that blasted brow, Archangel's once--though ruin'd now-- --Ay--dar'st thou face THE DEVIL?"--

"I dare!" the desperate Youth replied, And placed him by that Old Man's side, In fierce and frantic glee, Unblenched his cheek, and firm his limb --"No paltry juggling Fiend, but HIM!

--THE DEVIL I-I fain would see!--

"In all his Gorgon terrors clad, His worst, his fellest shape!" the Lad Rejoined in reckless tone.-- --"Have then thy wish!" Agrippa said, And sigh'd and shook his h.o.a.ry head, With many a bitter groan.

He drew the mystic circle's bound, With skull and cross-bones fenc'd around; He traced full many a sigil there; He mutter'd many a backward pray'r, That sounded like a curse--

"He comes !"--he cried with wild grimace, "The fellest of Apollyon's race!"

--Then in his startled pupil's face He dash'd-an EMPTY PURSE!!

THE LONDON UNIVERSITY; [Footnote: see footnote to SONG by Canning.]

OR, STINKOMALEE TRIUMPHANS.

AN ODE TO BE PERFORMED ON THE OPENING OF THE NEW COLLEGE.

R. HARRIS BARHAM.

Whene'er with pitying eye I view Each operative sot in town, I smile to think how wondrous few Get drunk who study at the U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town.

What precious fools "The People" grew, Their alma mater not in town; The "useful cla.s.ses" hardly knew Four was composed of two and two, Until they learned it at the U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town.

But now they're taught by JOSEPH HU- ME, by far the cleverest Scot in town, Their ITEMS and their TOTTLES too; Each may dissect his sister Sue, From his instructions at the U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town.

Then L----E comes, like him how few Can caper and can trot in town, In PIROUETTE or PAS DE DEUX-- He beats the famed MONSIEUR GIROUX, And teaches dancing at the U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town.

And GILCHRIST, see, that great Geentoo- Professor, has a lot in town Of c.o.c.kney boys who f.a.g Hindoo, And LARN JEM-NASTICS at the U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town.

SAM R--- corpse of vampire hue, Comes from its grave to rot in town; For Bays the dead bard's crowned with Yew, And chants, the Pleasures of the U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town.

FRANK JEFFREY, of the Scotch Review,-- Whom MOORE had nearly shot in town,-- Now, with his pamphlet st.i.tched in blue And yellow, d--ns the other two, But lauds the ever-glorious U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town.

Great BIRBECK, king of chips and glue, Who paper oft does blot in town, From the Mechanics' Inst.i.tu- tion, comes to prate of wedge and screw, Lever and axle at the U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town.

LORD WAITHAM, who long since withdrew From Mansion House to cot in town; Adorn'd with chair of ormolu, All darkly grand, like Prince Lee Boo, Lectures on FREE TRADE at the U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town.

Fat F----, with his coat of blue, Who speeches makes so hot in town, In rhetoric, spells his lectures through, And sounds the V for W, The VAY THEY SPEAKS it at the U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town.

Then H----E comes, who late at New- gate Market, sweetest spot in town!

Instead of one clerk popp'd in two, To make a place for his ne-phew, Seeking another at the U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town.

There's Captain ROSS, a traveler true, Has just presented, what in town- 's an article of great VIRTU (The telescope he once peep'd through, And 'spied an Esquimaux canoe On Croker Mountains), to the U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town.

Since MICHAEL gives no roast nor stew, Where Whigs might eat and plot in town, And swill his port, and mischief brew-- Poor CREEVY sips his water gru- el as the beadle of the U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town,

There's JERRY BENTHAM and his crew, Names ne'er to be forgot in town, In swarms like Banquo's long is-sue-- Turk, Papist, Infidel and Jew, Come trooping on to join the U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town.

To crown the whole with triple queue-- Another such there's not in town, Twitching his restless nose askew, Behold tremendous HARRY BROUGH- AM! Law Professor at the U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town.

GRAND CHORUS:

Huzza! huzza! for HARRY BROUGH- AM! Law Professor at the U- niversity we've Got in town-- niversity we've Got in town.