The Humbugs of the World Part 4

"Blast the Golden Pigeons! You had better take them back to the Museum.

You can't humbug me with your painted pigeons!"

This was too much, and "I laughed till I cried" to witness the mixed look of astonishment and vexation which marked the "grizzly" features of old Adams.

"These Golden Pigeons," I remarked, "are very common in California, I think I heard you say? When do you expect my half-dozen pairs will arrive?"

"You go to thunder, you old humbug!" replied Adams, as he marched off indignantly, and soon disappeared behind the cages of his grizzly bears.

From that time, Adams seemed to be more careful about telling his large stories. Perhaps he was not cured altogether of his habit, but he took particular pains when making marvelous statements to have them of such a nature that they could not be disproved so easily as was that regarding the "Golden California Pigeons."

CHAPTER VI.

THE WHALE, THE ANGEL FISH, AND THE GOLDEN PIGEON.

If the fact could be definitely determined, I think it would be discovered that in this "wide awake" country there are more persons humbugged by believing too little than too much. Many persons have such a horror of being taken in, or such an elevated opinion of their own acuteness, that they believe everything to be a sham, and in this way are continually humbugging themselves.

Several years since, I purchased a living white whale, captured near Labrador, and succeeded in placing it, "in good condition," in a large tank, fifty feet long, and supplied with salt water, in the bas.e.m.e.nt of the American Museum. I was obliged to light the bas.e.m.e.nt with gas, and that frightened the sea-monster to such an extent that he kept at the bottom of the tank, except when he was compelled to stick his nose above the surface in order to breathe or "blow," and then down he would go again as quick as possible. Visitors would sometimes stand for half an hour, watching in vain to get a look at the whale; for, although he could remain under water only about two minutes at a time, he would happen to appear in some unlooked for quarter of the huge tank, and before they could all get a chance to see him, he would be out of sight again. Some impatient and incredulous persons after waiting ten minutes, which seemed to them an hour, would sometimes exclaim:

"Oh, humbug! I don't believe there is a whale here at all!"

This incredulity often put me out of patience, and I would say:

"Ladies and gentlemen, there is a living whale in the tank. He is frightened by the gaslight and by visitors; but he is obliged to come to the surface every two minutes, and if you will watch sharply, you will see him. I am sorry we can't make him dance a hornpipe and do all sorts of wonderful things at the word of command; but if you will exercise your patience a few minutes longer, I a.s.sure you the whale will be seen at considerably less trouble than it would be to go to Labrador expressly for that purpose."

This would usually put my patrons in good humor; but I was myself often vexed at the persistent stubbornness of the whale in not calmly floating on the surface for the gratification of my visitors.

One day, a sharp Yankee lady and her daughter, from Connecticut, called at the Museum. I knew them well; and in answer to their inquiry for the locality of the whale, I directed them to the bas.e.m.e.nt. Half an hour afterward, they called at my office, and the acute mother, in a half-confidential, serio-comic whisper, said:

"Mr. B., it's astonishing to what a number of purposes the ingenuity of us Yankees has applied india-rubber."

I asked her meaning, and was soon informed that she was perfectly convinced that it was an india-rubber whale, worked by steam and machinery, by means of which he was made to rise to the surface at short intervals, and puff with the regularity of a pair of bellows. From her earnest, confident manner, I saw it would be useless to attempt to disabuse her mind on the subject. I therefore very candidly acknowledged that she was quite too sharp for me, and I must plead guilty to the imposition; but I begged her not to expose me, for I a.s.sured her that she was the only person who had discovered the trick.

It was worth more than a dollar to see with what a smile of satisfaction she received the a.s.surance that n.o.body else was as shrewd as herself; and the patronizing manner in which she bade me be perfectly tranquil, for the secret should be considered by her as "strictly confidential,"

was decidedly rich. She evidently received double her money's worth in the happy reflection that she could not be humbugged, and that I was terribly humiliated in being detected through her marvelous powers of discrimination! I occasionally meet the good lady, and always try to look a little sheepish, but she invariably a.s.sures me that she has never divulged my secret and never will!

On another occasion, a lady equally shrewd, who lives neighbor to me in Connecticut, after regarding for a few minutes the "Golden Angel Fish"

swimming in one of the Aquaria, abruptly addressed me with:

"You can't humbug me, Mr. Barnum; that fish is painted!"

"Nonsense!" said I, with a laugh; "the thing is impossible!"

"I don't care, I know it is painted; it is as plain as can be."

"But, my dear Mrs. H., paint would not adhere to a fish while in the water; and if it would, it would kill him. Besides," I added, with an extra serious air, "we never allow humbugging here!"

"Oh, here is just the place to look for such things," she replied with a smile; "and I must say I more than half believe that Angel Fish is painted."

She was finally nearly convinced of her error, and left. In the afternoon of the same day, I met her in Old Adams' California Menagerie.

She knew that I was part-proprietor of that establishment, and seeing me in conversation with "Grizzly Adams," she came up to me in some haste, and with her eyes glistening with excitement, she said:

"O, Mr. B., I never saw anything so beautiful as those elegant 'Golden Pigeons' from Australia. I want you to secure some of their eggs for me, and let my pigeons hatch them at home. I should prize them beyond all measure."

"Oh, you don't want 'Golden Australian Pigeons,'" I replied; "they are painted."

"No, they are not painted," said she, with a laugh, "but I half think the Angel Fish is."

I could not control myself at the curious coincidence, and I roared with laughter while I replied:

"Now, Mrs. H., I never let a good joke be spoiled, even if it serves to expose my own secrets. I a.s.sure you, upon honor, that the Golden Australian Pigeons, as they are labeled, are really painted; and that in their natural state they are nothing more nor less than the common ruff-necked white American pigeons!"

And it was a fact. How they happened to be exhibited under that auriferous disguise was owing to an amusing circ.u.mstance, explained in another chapter.

Suffice it at present to say, that Mrs. H. to this day "blushes to her eyebrows" whenever an allusion is made to "Angel Fish" or "Golden Pigeons."

CHAPTER VII.

PEASE'S h.o.a.rHOUND CANDY.--THE DORR REBELLION.--THE PHILADELPHIA ALDERMEN.

In the year 1842, a new style of advertising appeared in the newspapers and in handbills which arrested public attention at once on account of its novelty. The thing advertised was an article called "Pease's h.o.a.rhound Candy;" a very good specific for coughs and colds. It was put up in twenty-five cent packages, and was eventually sold wholesale and retail in enormous quant.i.ties. Mr. Pease's system of advertising was one which, I believe, originated with him in this country, although many have practiced it since, but of course, with less success--for imitations seldom succeed. Mr. Pease's plan was to seize upon the most prominent topic of interest and general conversation, and discourse eloquently upon that topic in fifty to a hundred lines of a newspaper-column, then glide off gradually into a panegyric of "Pease's h.o.a.rhound Candy." The consequence was, every reader was misled by the caption and commencement of his article, and thousands of persons had "Pease's h.o.a.rhound Candy" in their mouths long before they had seen it!

In fact, it was next to impossible to take up a newspaper and attempt to read the legitimate news of the day without stumbling upon a package of "Pease's h.o.a.rhound Candy." The reader would often feel vexed to find that, after reading a quarter of a column of interesting news upon the subject uppermost in his mind, he was trapped into the perusal of one of Pease's h.o.a.rhound candy advertis.e.m.e.nts. Although inclined sometimes to throw down the newspaper in disgust, he would generally laugh at the talent displayed by Mr. Pease in thus captivating and capturing the reader. The result of all this would generally be, a trial of the candy on the first premonitory symptoms of a cough or influenza. The degree to which this system of advertising has since been carried has rendered it a bore and a nuisance. The usual result of almost any great and original achievement is, the production of a shoal of brainless imitators, who are "neither useful nor ornamental."

In the same year that Pease's h.o.a.rhound candy appeared upon the commercial and newspaper horizon, the "Governor Dorr Rebellion" occurred in Rhode Island. As many will remember, this rebellion caused a great excitement throughout the country. Citizens of Rhode Island took up arms against each other, and it was feared by some that a b.l.o.o.d.y civil war would ensue.

At about this time a munic.i.p.al election was to come off in the city of Philadelphia. The two political parties were pretty equally divided there, and there were some special causes why this was regarded as an unusually important election. Its near approach caused more excitement in the "Quaker City" than had been witnessed there since the preceding Presidential election. The party-leaders began to lay their plans early, and the wire-pullers on both sides were unusually busy in their vocation. At the head of the rabble upon which one of the parties depended for many votes, was a drunken and profane fellow, whom we will call Tom Simmons. Tom was great at electioneering and stump-spouting in bar-rooms and rum-caucuses, and his party always looked to him, at each election, to stir up the subterraneans "with a long pole"--and a whiskey-jug at the end of it.

The exciting election which was now to come off for Mayor and Aldermen of the good city of Brotherly Love soon brought several of the "ring" to Tom.

"Now, Tom," said the head wire-puller, "this is going to be a close election, and we want you to spare neither talent nor liquor in arousing up and bringing to the polls every voter within your influence."

"Well, Squire," replied Tom carelessly, "I've concluded I won't bother myself with this 'lection--it don't pay!"

"Don't pay!" exclaimed the frightened politician. "Why, Tom, are you not a true friend to your party? Haven't you always been on hand at the primary meetings, knocked down interlopers, and squelched every man who talked about conscience, or who refused to support regular nominations, and vote the entire clean ticket straight through? And as for 'pay,'

haven't you always been supplied with money enough to treat all doubtful voters, and in fact to float them up to the polls in an ocean of whiskey? I confess Tom, I am almost petrified with astonishment at witnessing your present indifference to the alarming crisis in which our country and our party are involved, and which nothing on earth can avert, except our success at the coming election."

"Oh, tell that to the marines," said Tom. "We never yet had an election that there wasn't a 'crisis,' and yet, whichever party gained, we somehow managed to live through it, crisis or no crisis. In fact, my curiosity has got a little excited, and I would like to see this 'crisis' that is such a bugaboo at every election; so trot out your crisis--let us see how it looks. Besides, talking of pay, I acknowledge the whiskey, and that is all. While I and my companions lifted you and your companions into fat offices that enabled you to roll in your carriages, and live on the fat of the land, we got nothing--or, at least, next to nothing--all we got was--well--we got drunk! Now, Squire, I will go for the other party this 'lection if you don't give me an office."

"Give you an office!" exclaimed the "Squire," raising his hands and rolling his eyes in utter amazement; "why, Tom, what office do you want?"

"I want to be Alderman!" replied Tom, "and I can control votes enough to turn the 'lection either way; and if our party don't gratefully remember my past services and give me my reward, t'other party will be glad to run me on their ticket, and over I go."