The History of John Bull Part 9

* Threatening that the allies would carry on the war without the help of the English.

I fancy I need not tell my reader that John often changed colour as he read, and that his fingers itched to give Nic. a good slap on the chops, but he wisely moderated his choleric temper. *"I saved this fellow,"

quoth he, "from the gallows when he ran away from his last master, because I thought he was harshly treated; but the rogue was no sooner safe under my protection than he began to lie, pilfer, and steal like the devil. When I first set him up in a warm house he had hardly put up his sign when he began to debauch my best customers from me. *Then it was his constant practice to rob my fish-ponds, not only to feed his family, but to trade with the fishmongers. I connived at the fellow till he began to tell me that they were his as much as mine. In my manor of *Eastcheap, because it lay at some distance from my constant inspection, he broke down my fences, robbed my orchards, and beat my servants."

* Complaints against the Dutch for encroachment in trade, fishery, East Indies, etc. The war with the Dutch on these accounts.

"When I used to reprimand him for his tricks he would talk saucily, lie, and brazen it out as if he had done nothing amiss. 'Will nothing cure thee of thy pranks, Nic.?' quoth I; 'I shall be forced some time or other to chastise thee.' The rogue got up his cane and threatened me, and was well thwacked for his pains. But I think his behaviour at this time worst of all; after I have almost drowned myself to keep his head above water, he would leave me sticking in the mud, trusting to his goodness to help me out. After I have beggared myself with his troublesome lawsuit, with a plague to him! he takes it in mighty dudgeon because I have brought him here to end matters amicably, and because I won't let him make me over by deed and indenture as his lawful cully, which to my certain knowledge he has attempted several times. But, after all, canst thou gather grapes from thorns? Nic. does not pretend to be a gentleman; he is a tradesman, a self-seeking wretch. But how camest thou to hear all this, John? The reason is plain; thou conferrest the benefits and he receives them; the first produces love, and the last ingrat.i.tude. Ah Nic., Nic., thou art a d.a.m.ned dog, that's certain; thou knowest too well that I will take care of thee, else thou wouldst not use me thus. I won't give thee up, it is true; but as true as it is, thou shalt not sell me, according to thy laudable custom." While John was deep in this soliloquy Nic. broke out into the following protestation:--

"Gentlemen,--I believe everybody here present will allow me to be a very just and disinterested person. My friend John Bull here is very angry with me, forsooth, because I won't agree to his foolish bargains. Now I declare to all mankind I should be ready to sacrifice my own concerns to his quiet, but the care of his interest, and that of the honest tradesmen* that are embarked with us, keeps me from entering into this composition. What shall become of those poor creatures? The thoughts of their impending ruin disturb my night's rest; therefore I desire they may speak for themselves. If they are willing to give up this affair, I sha'n't make two words of it."

* The Allies.

John Bull begged him to lay aside that immoderate concern for him, and withal put him in mind that the interest of those tradesmen had not sat quite so heavy upon him some years ago on a like occasion. Nic. answered little to that, but immediately pulled out a boatswain's whistle. Upon the first whiff the tradesmen came jumping into the room, and began to surround Lewis like so many yelping curs about a great boar; or, to use a modester simile, like duns at a great lord's levee the morning he goes into the country. One pulled him by his sleeve, another by the skirt, a third hallooed in the ear. They began to ask him for all that had been taken from their forefathers by stealth, fraud, force, or lawful purchase. Some asked for manors, others for acres that lay convenient for them; that he would pull down his fences, level his ditches. All agreed in one common demand that he should be purged, sweated, vomited, and starved, till he came to a sizeable bulk like that of his neighbours. One modestly asked him leave to call him brother. Nic. Frog demanded two things--to be his porter and his fishmonger, to keep the keys of his gates and furnish the kitchen. John's sister Peg only desired that he would let his servants sing psalms a-Sundays. Some descended even to the asking of old clothes, shoes and boots, broken bottles, tobacco-pipes, and ends of candles.

"Monsieur Bull," quoth Lewis, "you seem to be a man of some breeding; for G.o.d's sake use your interest with these Messieurs, that they would speak but one at once; for if one had a hundred pair of hands, and as many tongues, he cannot satisfy them all at this rate." John begged they might proceed with some method; then they stopped all of a sudden and would not say a word. "If this be your play," quoth John, "that we may not be like a Quaker's dumb meeting, let us begin some diversion; what d'ye think of rouly-pouly or a country dance? What if we should have a match at football? I am sure we shall never end matters at this rate."

CHAPTER XVI. How John Bull and Nic. Frog settled their Accounts.

JOHN BULL.--During this general cessation of talk, what if you and I, Nic., should inquire how money matters stand between us?

NIC. FROG.--With all my heart; I love exact dealing. And let Hocus audit; he knows how the money was disbursed.

JOHN BULL.--I am not much for that at present; we'll settle it between ourselves. Fair and square, Nic., keeps friends together. There have been laid out in this lawsuit, at one time, 36,000 pounds and 40,000 crowns. In some cases I, in others you, bear the greatest proportion.

NIC FROG.--Right; I pay three-fifths of the greatest number, and you pay two-thirds of the lesser number. I think this is fair and square, as you call it.

JOHN BULL.--Well, go on.

NIC FROG.--Two-thirds of 36,000 pounds are 24,000 pounds for your share, and there remains 12,000 for mine. Again, of the 40,000 crowns I pay 24,000, which is three-fifths, and you pay only 16,000, which is two-fifths; 24,000 crowns make 6,000 pounds, and 16,000 crowns make 4,000 pounds; 12,000 and 16,000 make 18,000, 24,000 and 4,000 make 28,000. So there are 18,000 pounds to my share of the expenses, and 28,000 to yours.

After Nic. had bamboozled John awhile about the 18,000 and the 28,000, John called for counters; but what with sleight of hand, and taking from his own score and adding to John's, Nic. brought the balance always on his own side.

JOHN BULL.--Nay, good friend Nic., though I am not quite so nimble in the fingers, I understand ciphering as well as you. I will produce you my accounts one by one, fairly writ out of my own books; and here I begin with the first. You must excuse me if I don't p.r.o.nounce the law terms right.

[John reads.]

For the expenses ordinary of the suits, fees to judges, puisne judges, lawyers innumerable of all sorts:--

Of extraordinaries, as follows per account..

To Esquire South's account for post terminums..

To ditto for non est factums..

To ditto for noli prosequis, discontinuance, and retraxit..

For writs of error..

Suits of conditions unperformed..

To Hocus for dedimus protestatem..

To ditto for a capias ad computandum..

To Frog's new tenants per account to Hocus, for audita querelas..

On the said account for writs of ejectment and distringas..

To Esquire South's quota for a return of a non est invent and nulla habet bona..

To ---- for a pardon in forma pauperis..

To Jack for a melius inquirendum upon a felo-de-se..

To coach-hire..

For treats to juries and witnesses..

John having read over his articles, with the respective sums, brought in Frog debtor to him upon the balance, 3,382 pounds 12 shillings.

Then Nic. Frog pulled his bill out of his pocket, and began to read.

Nicholas Frog's Account.

Remains to be deducted out of the former Account.

Paid by Nic. Frog for his share of the ordinary expenses of the suit ..

To Hocus for entries of a rege inconsulto..

To John Bull's nephew for a venire facias, the money not yet all laid out..

The coach-hire for my wife and family, and the carriage of my goods during the time of this lawsuit..

For the extraordinary expenses of feeding my family during this lawsuit..

To Major Ab...

To Major Will...

And summing all up, found due upon the balance by John Bull to Nic.

Frog, 9 pounds 4 shillings and 6 pence.

JOHN BULL.--As for your venire facias, I have paid you for one already; in the other I believe you will be nonsuited. I'll take care of my nephew myself. Your coach-hire and family charges are most unreasonable deductions; at that rate, I can bring in any man in the world my debtor.

But who the devil are those two majors that consume all my money? I find they always run away with the balance in all accounts.

NIC. FROG.--Two very honest gentlemen, I a.s.sure you, that have done me some service. To tell you plainly, Major Ab. denotes thy greater ability, and Major Will. thy greater willingness to carry on this lawsuit. It was but reasonable thou shouldst pay both for thy power and thy positiveness.

JOHN BULL.--I believe I shall have those two honest majors' discount on my side in a little time.

NIC. FROG.--Why all this higgling with thy friend about such a paltry sum? Does this become the generosity of the n.o.ble and rich John Bull? I wonder thou art not ashamed. Oh, Hocus! Hocus! where art thou? It used to go another-guess manner in thy time. When a poor man has almost undone himself for thy sake, thou art for fleecing him, and fleecing him. Is that thy conscience, John?

JOHN BULL.--Very pleasant, indeed! It is well known thou retainest thy lawyers by the year, so a fresh lawsuit adds but little to thy expenses; they are thy customers;* I hardly ever sell them a farthing's-worth of anything. Nay, thou hast set up an eating-house, where the whole tribe of them spend all they can rap or run. If it were well reckoned, I believe thou gettest more of my money than thou spendest of thy own.

However, if thou wilt needs plead poverty, own at least that thy accounts are false.

* The money spent in Holland and Flanders.

NIC. FROG.--No, marry won't I; I refer myself to these honest gentlemen--let them judge between us. Let Esquire South speak his mind, whether my accounts are not right, and whether we ought not to go on with our lawsuit.

JOHN BULL.--Consult the butchers about keeping of Lent. Dost think that John Bull will be tried by piepowders? I tell you, once for all, John Bull knows where his shoe pinches. None of your esquires shall give him the law as long as he wears this trusty weapon by his side, or has an inch of broadcloth in his shop.

NIC. FROG.--Why, there it is: you will be both judge and party. I am sorry thou discoverest so much of thy headstrong humour before these strange gentlemen; I have often told thee it would prove thy ruin some time or other. Let it never be said that the famous John Bull has departed in despite of Court.

JOHN BULL.--And will it not reflect as much on thy character, Nic., to turn barretter in thy old days--a stirrer-up of quarrels amongst thy neighbours? I tell thee, Nic., some time or other thou wilt repent this.

But John saw clearly he should have nothing but wrangling, and that he should have as little success in settling his accounts as ending the composition. "Since they will needs overload my shoulders," quoth John, "I shall throw down the burden with a squash amongst them, take it up who dares. A man has a fine time of it amongst a combination of sharpers that vouch for one another's honesty. John, look to thyself; old Lewis makes reasonable offers. When thou hast spent the small pittance that is left, thou wilt make a glorious figure when thou art brought to live upon Nic. Frog and Esquire South's generosity and grat.i.tude. If they use thee thus when they want thee, what will they do when thou wantest them?

I say again, John, look to thyself."