The Great Adventure Part 24

(Exit, L.)

(Re-enter CARVE quickly.)

CARVE. I say, here's a curate pushed himself in at the front door!

(Re-enter JANET, L.)

JANET. No, he's come in at the back.

CARVE. But I tell you he's here!

(Enter JAMES SHAWN, L. Then enter JOHN SHAWN, R. Pause.)

JAMES. Now let me entreat everybody to remain perfectly calm.

JANET. Oh, don't worry about that. Nothing startles us now. A few curates more or less....

CARVE. (Sinking into chair.) I suppose this is the very newest journalism. Would you mind me asking a question?

JAMES. What is it?

(JANET makes the tea.)

CARVE. Why did you wait till the door was opened? Seems a pity to stand on ceremony. Why not have broken a window or so and climbed right in?

JAMES. John, is mother there?

JOHN. (At door, R.) Mother, how often shall I have to ask you to keep close to me?

(Enter MRS. SHAWN, R.)

MRS. S. I'm all of a tremble.

JOHN. (Firmly.) Come now, you mustn't give way. This is he (pointing to CARVE). Do you recognise him as our father? (JANET, who is cutting a slice of bread, stops and looks from one to the other.)

MRS. S. (To CARVE.) Albert, don't you know me? To think that next Tuesday it'll be six and twenty years since you walked out o' the house casual like and--and--(Stops from emotion.)

CARVE. Go on. Go on.... To think that I was once shy!

JANET. (To MRS. SHAWN.) Here, you'd better come and sit a bit nearer the fire. (Very kindly.) Come along now!

MRS. S. (Obeying.) Thank you, m'm.

JANET. (To JOHN.) And which of you boys was it that had the idea of keeping a middle-aged woman perishing on a doorstep before daylight in February?

JOHN. How else could we--

JAMES. (Interrupting him.) Excuse me, John.

JOHN. (Subsiding.) I beg your pardon, James.

JAMES. (To JANET.) All questions should be addressed to me. My brother John is here solely to take charge of our mother. We have done our best, by careful forethought, to ensure that this painful interview shall be as brief and as dignified as possible.

JANET. And couldn't you think of anything cleverer than to give your poor mother her death of cold for a start?

JAMES. How else could we have arranged it? I myself rang at your door for a quarter of an hour yesterday afternoon.

JANET. We never heard you.

JAMES. Strange!

JANET. No, it isn't. We took the bell off three days ago.

JAMES. I was told that it was impossible to effect an entrance in the ordinary way. Hence, we had to use craft. I argued that food must come into the house, and that it probably came in early.

JANET. Well, it's a good thing for you I happened to hear the cat mewing, or you might have had another couple of hours in my back yard.

You're the eldest, I suppose.

JAMES. We are twins.

JANET. Really!

CARVE. As you say--really!

JAMES. I am the older, but the difference between us is not considerable.

JOHN. Now, mother, please don't cry.

JANET. (Having poured out a cup of tea, holds it before MRS. SHAWN.) Sugar? (MRS. SHAWN signifies an affirmative--JANET drops sugar into cup, which MRS. SHAWN takes.) You'll drink it easier if you lift your veil.

JAMES. Now, mother--you are sure you recognise this gentleman?

MRS. S. (Not very positively.) Yes--yes. It's a rare long while....

JAMES. He is your husband and our father?

MRS. S. (More positively.) Yes. And sorry I am to say it. (JANET eyes her carefully.)

JAMES. I think that suffices. (To JANET.) Madam, you are in a most unfortunate position. You supposed yourself to be a married woman, whereas you are nothing of the kind. I needn't say that as the victim of a heartless bigamist you have our deepest....

JANET. (Handing him a slice of bread on toasting-fork.) Just toast this for your mother, will you, and mind the bars. I'll get another cup or two. (Goes to sideboard and gets crockery.)

CARVE. And so these are my two sons! They show little emotion in beholding the author of their being for the first time. As for me, I hardly recognise them.

MRS. S. And is it likely, seeing they were born six months after you deserted me, Albert?

CARVE. I see. If it isn't indiscreet, am I a grandfather?