The Good Life Part 15

He shrugged. "I'm quick."

I showered to get the smell of vomit off me, put on my pajamas and then came out to the sink to brush my teeth. Jake came over and started brushing his teeth, too. He gave me that "let's f.u.c.k" look in the mirror. I just laughed and showed him a mouthful of toothpaste.

"I'm going to bed," I said when I was done. "Think about some places you want to see tomorrow."

I got into the bed closest to the window and turned away from him. Mmm, aren't hotel beds the best? He turned the lights off, and I heard him get into his bed, too.

It was about ten minutes later when he said, "You awake?"

"Yeah."

"If it wasn't money, then what was it? When I thought he was rich I a.s.sumed that was your motive. But now, with you telling me he was just some regular guy, I'm even more confused because the guy is a d.i.c.k. He's a sick d.i.c.k. A sick d.i.c.k who likes d.i.c.ks. On chicks."

I started laughing so hard I nearly peed myself. I knew it wasn't funny, but I was glad I was able to laugh about it. I was laughing too hard to answer the question. I didn't even know if there was an answer to the question. Why had I married Caleb? Why had I ever even gone out with him?

"I just can't believe that's the guy you chose over me," Jake said quietly.

I turned around to face his bed. The room was not completely dark, but merely dim, thanks to all of the lights on the street. I could see the outline of his face. "Jake, stop saying that. I didn't choose him over you. It's not like someone said 'do you want Caleb or Jake?' I didn't have you as an option. You weren't there."

"No, I wasn't there. I was at home waiting for you to come back. I figured I'd been waiting for you for like ten years so what was nine more months?" He rolled onto his back and faced the ceiling. "I thought you were coming back. You know, just so you have your facts straight," he mocked me. "And I was fine with you meeting someone else and falling in love-"

I snorted from the other bed at the thought of being in love with Caleb.

"-and getting engaged. I was too young to think of anything that serious. But I hated it that you never talked to me about it. You just sent me an invitation to your wedding. You weren't just some chick I hooked up with one summer. You and your family were the only people I'd ever really had in my life. And you acted like I was never anything to you but a wedding gift. It was pretty s.h.i.tty. So forgive me if I keep bringing up the past or asking you questions. I'm just trying to understand why it happened."

Could this night get any f.u.c.king worse? A winter storm advisory would have been appreciated. At least then I could have brought a jacket. I was totally not prepared for this s...o...b..ll fight. It wasn't like I'd had eight years to prepare or anything.

I rolled onto my back and sighed. Jake was right. The way I'd handled it was wrong. Even if he had told me he didn't want a long-distance relationship, he had been my closest guy friend. We had been friends since I was three years old. He deserved a phone call or, at the very least, an email.

I turned over to face his bed again. "You're right. It was s.h.i.tty the way I did things. At first I thought it was too soon to talk to you about it. Then my mom sent the invitations out and I thought it was too late. And so much time kept going by, and I thought about you a lot, but I was too scared to talk to you because I thought you'd be mad. You know I don't like confrontations. When even more time went by I figured you'd forgotten all about me by then."

He didn't say anything so I continued.

"And I can't really explain what I was thinking when I started seeing Caleb. I was young and stupid, and here was this guy telling me he was moving to New York and taking me with him. He was so sure of himself, and in control, and I listened to him. You know I'd wanted to move to New York since I was little. And it was everything I thought it would be. Even when we were struggling, I was happy to be here. But I never meant to hurt you or screw things up with us, and I'm sorry for that. Do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me?"

Even in the dark I could see him smile. "Of course, Little Girl. I already did. I just always wondered if maybe I did something wrong, if it was my fault. But I'm not holding it against you."

"It wasn't your fault, Jake. I promise."

I heard his breathing change a little while later and knew he had fallen asleep. If only I was so lucky. I was too tired to deal with this, but I couldn't seem to fall asleep. I kept imagining Jake getting that wedding invitation without hearing a word from me. He must have felt like part of his second family had abandoned him. He probably felt like he didn't matter at all. I had felt like that before, several times, and I knew from experience that it was the worst feeling.

Knowing I was responsible for hurting him like that made me so angry with myself. I felt awful. I swear I could spend whatever I had left of my life making it up to him and I'd still feel bad about it.

It was hard to be so far away from him after what he'd just told me. I needed him to know how sorry I was. And that he did matter. A lot. That was why I crawled into his bed with him. I had no trouble falling asleep after that.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up to a bright and beautiful Manhattan morning. The sounds of traffic instantly made me feel at home. Jake was next to me in the bed shirtless! awake and smiling at me from under the comforter. I could smell coffee. I was pretty sure he'd been up for awhile which made me a little nervous. I liked to be the one who woke up first so I didn't get caught drooling or farting in my sleep or anything embarra.s.sing like that. But it was too perfect of a scene for me to care. The way his tan skin contrasted with the pristine white bedding, the way his 500-watt smile lit up the room, and the way the sun beamed in through the windows, it was like I was in my own fabric softener commercial.

There was a time when I didn't think life got any better than drinking coffee on a beautiful summer morning in NYC. That changed when my coffee was poured by a smiling and shirtless Jake. This was the apex of mornings right here. There was no way it could get better unless he kissed me good morning.

I couldn't stop the images from running through my mind. Jake, me, soft fluffy comforter, two cute kids bouncing around on a huge bed; two cute kids climbing the Alice in Wonderland statue in Central Park while I freak out that they might fall and Jake laughs at my anxiety and takes pictures of us; the four of us plopping down on a blanket and having a picnic in the park. It was nice. I didn't want to turn the reel off, but I had to.

"I hope you don't mind," he said, as he handed me the coffee, cream and sugar already mixed in the way I liked it, "but I ordered some breakfast from room service."

I graciously accepted the mug and laughed. "Who is getting sucked into this world?"

CHAPTER FIFTEEN.

Insert: Central Park Montage.

This is the part of my movie that could be summed up in an a.s.sortment of nice clips of Jake and me enjoying a beautiful summer day in Central Park. We played a game of Checkers, swung on the swings at one of the playgrounds (GLL Challenge #21), explored the Belvedere Castle, took a walk through the Shakespeare Garden, ate hotdogs from a vendor, walked through the most photographed area of the park, the Mall, and lounged on the infamous steps of The Met.

Jake was beyond happy with all of the photo ops. A few times during the afternoon he took my hand. I let him. It was okay for friends to hold hands, wasn't it?

We were both exhausted when we finally collapsed on the lawn of Sheep Meadow with all of the other sunbathers. We lay on our backs with our hands behind our heads and gazed up at the view of the skyline above the trees.

"This is incredible," he said.

I turned my head to look at him and smiled. "It really is." Remembering GLL Challenge #15 was to take a nap in a park, I pulled my cell phone out of my purse and set my alarm for thirty minutes from now. "We're taking a nap," I told him.

He pulled me over toward him, and I rested my head on his shoulder and fell right asleep.

My lawyer called shortly after my alarm went off, while we walked back to the Plaza. Caleb and his team had done some brainstorming and would be ready to see me in the morning.

I had so many reasons to be nervous about it. What was he going to be like? Would he be sorry about what he had done or only sorry he got caught? Would he be mad at me for catching him or mad at himself for not changing the locks? Would he be embarra.s.sed and lash out at me as a result? Would he yell at me for throwing up all over the place? Would it be like in the movies where a bunch of stuffy people in expensive suits argued with each other across the table right next to a window with amazing views of the city?

I wasn't looking forward to seeing Caleb's face again that was for sure. Just thinking about what I had seen might make me throw up right in front of him. I was curious how long he'd been engaging in such extracurricular activities, but then again, I didn't want to hear his answer. Ugh, so not looking forward to the meeting. I really wished I could bring Jake along for support, but I knew that would look bad. I had to stop acting like he was my lifeline anyway. I'd lived without him for eight years. I could go to a meeting without him.

"You okay?" Jake asked when we walked into our room. I had been quiet ever since the phone call.

"Just nervous," I said with a shrug. I lay down on my bed and curled into the fetal position. "I've never gotten divorced before so I'm not sure what to expect from this. I'm afraid he might be mean to me."

I saw his body tensed up as he sat next to me on the bed. "Is he usually mean to you?" he asked. He looked very concerned. Way more concerned than I deserved.

"No, no," I said quickly. "He was never mean to me in a bullying kind of way. He was never abusive, if that's what you think."

I could actually see his body relax right in front of me.

"You haven't seemed very upset about this," he said. "Even after what we saw last night, you seem to be handling it pretty well. I thought maybe that was because he'd been hurting you and you were happy it was over."

"No, no, nothing like that. He just worked a lot, and I was lonely. But there was no abuse. I promise." I paused. "And if I'm handling it well, it's because of you."

"Really?" he looked pleased. "What did I do?"

"You did the same thing you've done after every break-up I've ever had. You distracted me and made me feel better. Does that make you feel used?"

He looked surprised. "No. Isn't that what friends do?"

"I think friends bring over cookie dough, funny movies and tequila when their friends are sad. I don't think most friends use s.e.x as a distraction."

He smiled. "Hey, I don't mind. I'll gladly distract you any time. If you're worried about the meeting tomorrow, I can distract you right now."

I smiled and shook my head. "I'm being serious. After what you said last night, about how my family were the only people you had "

"Hey," he interrupted. "Don't even think about that. I said what I had to say. I asked what I needed to ask. It's over now. Don't over-think it. Don't think about it at all. It doesn't matter anymore."

I sat up next to him on the bed. I needed to be close to him. I needed him to know how much he meant to me. I had the sudden urge to tell him I loved him. I'd been saying "I love you" to Jake since I was a kid. But something felt different now. I couldn't get the words out. I felt like they were suddenly going to mean too much. My chest tightened up like someone was sitting on top of me, and I felt like I was going to suffocate.

Our faces were only inches apart. He looked at me like he was waiting for me to say something. And he had a reason to think that because I did have something I wanted to say, but I couldn't get the words out.

Don't tell my girlfriend about this.

It was that image again. The one I'd had that afternoon in Mount Pleasant twelve years ago. I couldn't do it. I couldn't let that happen. I could say "I love you" to Jake right now and mean it with every piece of me. He could say it back, and maybe he would even mean it, too. We could make love on the fluffy Plaza bed and have a romantic night together in the city. We could go home tomorrow and have a blast finding secret places to rendezvous at the house whenever Adam was home. We could sneak kisses in when no one was looking and do a little bit more than skinny-dipping in our neighbors' yards in the middle of the night.

Fall would come and we could rake the leaves into piles and jump around in them and go to the apple orchard for cider and carve pumpkins together to put on the porch.

During the holidays, we could hang mistletoe in the archway between the living room and dining room and then hang out underneath it so we would have an excuse to kiss. We could hide secret presents around the house for each other to find.

I had no doubt we could have a few wonderful seasons together. But I also had no doubt it would one day end. I know people say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But I have loved and lost three times now! And I disagreed with that proverb wholeheartedly ... I mean broken-heartedly.

I stood up and walked over to the sink. I took a few deep breaths and blew them out to try to calm myself down. I'm in love with Jake, I suddenly realized. My safety guy isn't safe anymore.

Don't panic, I told myself. Nothing has to change. We can still be friends. The "benefits" couldn't happen anymore, but everything else could stay the same. I just needed a distraction again. I needed to be distracted from my distraction.

"You wanna go shopping?" I asked.

He was still sitting on the bed where I'd abruptly left him. He looked confused. "Not really."

"You don't have to. You have a GPS on your phone so you can do something on your own and we can meet up later if you want."

He stood up and walked over to the sink. He stood behind me and looked at my face in the mirror. "Why do I feel like you're trying to get rid of me?"

I gave him my best fake smile in the mirror. "I'm not trying to get rid of you. But I want to make sure you get to do the things you want to do while you're here, and I know Chanel and Marc Jacobs probably aren't on your list."

They shouldn't be on my list either. Michigan Roxie doesn't spend three months of rent money on one handbag.

And come on, Roxie. Could you maybe try to act normal? I wouldn't normally tell my friend to basically screw off and do his own thing in a place he's never been. Just because I was in love with him didn't mean I needed to be mean! This isn't kindergarten. What the h.e.l.l is wrong with me?

I turned around. That was probably a mistake because now I was facing him head on. His face was about two inches from mine, and he was looking down at me. His eyes were focused on me intently, like he was searching for an answer to my sudden change of behavior. I looked down because the eye contact was too intense for me, and what was below the eyes? His lips. Ugh, not good.

I turned around again and kept busy by applying some mascara. "I'm sorry, Jake. I don't need to go shopping. You're the tourist here. Is there something you want to do?"

My phone beeped in my purse. I was thankful for the interruption. He backed away from me, and I went back over to the bed and reached into my purse to grab the phone. It was a text from Hope.

HOPE: Dinner tonight?

"It's Hope," I told Jake. "She wants to know if we want to have dinner later, but we don't have to if you don't want to."

"Dinner is fine, but we need lunch first. And please don't say another hot dog."

I laughed and texted her back.

ME: How bout lunch first? PB & Co?

HOPE: Super.

I threw the phone back into my purse. "Let's have lunch," I told Jake.

We took a cab to Peanut b.u.t.ter & Co by NYU. Jake loved it, as I knew he would. He had the peanut b.u.t.ter, banana, honey and bacon sandwich, and we all shared the eight different varieties of peanut b.u.t.ter in the sampler platter.

After lunch, he let us show him around The Village, Soho and Tribeca. I managed to keep my cravings for shopping at bay, but when we walked past the Marc Jacobs store, I couldn't help but open the door so I could smell it. I know. I'm lucky I didn't get arrested.

We took a ride on the Staten Island Ferry so Jake could get some pictures of the skyline and the Statue of Liberty. Then it was time for some c.o.c.ktails and tapas for dinner.

It was nice having Hope around the whole time because I was a little apprehensive about being alone with Jake. I could tell by the little glances I kept getting from him throughout the night that he was suspicious of me. He could tell something was different. I was hoping to avoid that conversation until I got my feelings into check.

At one point, when Jake had gone to the bathroom, Hope said to me, "I would've told you to fall in love this summer, but I thought that was too ambitious."

"No way," I said. "I haven't even had a chance to fall in like. I've been too busy moping around to meet guys."

She smiled and shook her head. "Really, Roxie? You didn't let me finish. I was going to say I didn't think you could fall in love so soon, but I underestimated you."

"Oh, you mean Jake?" I flipped my hand and blew my bangs out of my eyes. "That's just a childhood crush. I have love for him, but it's not something that could work out in the grown-up world."

"Why not?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Too much history. Too much family involvement. He being a Casanova. Me being a flake who never knows what I want. Lots of reasons."

"I'm adding an amendment to the Good Life List," she informed me. "It's called Take a f.u.c.king Chance!"

"I took a chance on Caleb, and where did that get me?" I asked.

"It got you a lot more than you realize," she said seriously. "It got you to New York. It got you to me. You lived in an apartment I would give my arm for. Like, I would seriously let you cut off my arm with a dull steak knife to live there. And Caleb used to be an okay guy, too. You had some good years together. It wasn't a total waste. It just didn't work out. He changed. You changed. Things happen. But you can't use that as an excuse to give up something that could be great. Don't let him get away again!"

I was glad Jake came back to the table then, and I didn't have the opportunity to argue with her. My feelings for Jake were too personal for me to discuss. With anyone. That was why, when we got back to the hotel, I feigned exhaustion and went straight to bed.

I let the hotel know we needed a late checkout since my meeting wasn't until ten, and I wasn't sure how long it would last. I didn't want poor Jake to have to sit on top of our bags in the lobby.

The meeting was over before noon and as soon as I got outside I checked my phone and saw I had a text from Jake.

JAKE: Going to see Times Square. Meet me for lunch when you're done.