The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness Part 5

To derive the greatest amount of good from exercise, it must be combined with amus.e.m.e.nt, and be made pleasureable and recreative. This important fact ought never to be lost sight of, since to ignorance of it alone we owe many of the evils which afflict society. And it would be well if those who have been accustomed to look on social amus.e.m.e.nts as destructive of the morals of the people, would consider how much good may be done by giving the mind a direction which, while promotive of health, would fill it with cheerfulness and wean it from debasing habits. The character of our sports at the present time, partake but little of the robust and boisterous spirit of our forefathers; but with the refinement of amus.e.m.e.nts, the opportunity for enjoying them has been grievously diminished. Cheering signs of a better state of things are, however, visible in many quarters, and we trust that the good work will be carried on until the whole of our population shall be in possession of the means and leisure for pleasurable recreation.

While indulging in the recreative sports which are to restore and invigorate us, we must be mindful of the many points of etiquette and kindness which will do much, if properly attended to, to promote the enjoyment of our exercise, and we propose to review the princ.i.p.al exercises used among us, and to point out in what places the delicate and gentlemanly attention to our companions will do the most to establish, for the person who practices them, the reputation of a polished gentleman.

RIDING.

There are no amus.e.m.e.nts, probably, which give us so wide a scope for the rendering of attention to a friend as riding and driving. Accompanied, as we may be at any time, by timid companions, the power to convince them, by the management of the horse we ride, and the watch kept at the same time on theirs, that we are competent to act the part of companion and guardian, will enable us to impart to them a great degree of reliance on us, and will, by lessening their fear do much to enhance the enjoyment of the excursion.

With ladies, in particular, a horseman cannot be too careful to display a regard for the fears of their companions, and by a constant watch on all the horses in the cavalcade, to show at once his ability and willingness to a.s.sist his companions.

There are few persons, comparatively speaking, even among those who ride often, who can properly a.s.sist a lady in mounting her horse. An over-anxiety to help a lady as gracefully as possible, generally results in a nervous trembling effort which is exceedingly disagreeable to the lady, and, at the same time, dangerous; for were the horse to shy or start, he could not be so easily quieted by a nervous man as by one who was perfectly cool. In the mount the lady must gather her skirt into her left hand, and stand close to the horse, her face toward his head, and her right hand resting on the pommel. The gentleman, having asked permission to a.s.sist her, stands at the horse's shoulder, facing the lady, and stooping low, he places his right hand at a proper elevation from the ground. The lady then places her left foot on the gentleman's palm, and as he raises his hand she springs slightly on her right foot, and thus reaches the saddle. The gentleman must not jerk his hand upward, but lift it with a gentle motion. This method of mounting is preferable to a step or horse-block. Keep a firm hand, for a sinking foot-hold will diminish the confidence of a lady in her escort, and, in many cases cause her unnecessary alarm while mounting. To any one who is likely to be called on to act as cavalier to ladies in horse-back excursions, we would recommend the following practice: Saddle a horse with a side saddle, and ask a gentleman friend to put on the skirt of a lady's habit, and with him, practice the mounting and dismounting until you have thoroughly conquered any difficulties you may have experienced at first.

After the seat is first taken by the lady, the gentleman should always stand at the side of the lady's horse until she is firmly fixed in the saddle, has a good foot-hold on the stirrup, and has the reins and whip well in hand. Having ascertained that his companion is firmly and comfortably fixed in the saddle, the gentleman should mount his horse and take his riding position on the right or "off" side of the lady's horse, so that, in case of the horse's shying in such a way as to bring him against the other horse, the lady will suffer no inconvenience. In riding with two ladies there are two rules in regard to the gentleman's position.

If both ladies are good riders, they should ride side by side, the ladies to the left; but, if the contrary should be the case, the gentleman should ride between the ladies in order to be ready in a moment to a.s.sist either in case of one of the horses becoming difficult to manage. Before allowing a lady to mount, the entire furniture of her horse should be carefully examined by her escort. The saddle and girths should be tested to see if they are firm, the stirrup leather examined, in case of the tongue of the buckle being in danger of slipping out by not being well buckled at first, and most particularly the bridle, curb, headstall, and reins should be carefully and thoroughly examined, for on them depends the entire control of the horse. These examinations should never be left to the stablehelps, as the continual harnessing of horses by them often leads to a loose and careless way of attending to such matters, which, though seemingly trivial, may lead to serious consequences.

On the road, the constant care of the gentleman should be to render the ride agreeable to his companion, by the pointing out of objects of interest with which she may not be acquainted, the reference to any peculiar beauty of landscape which may have escaped her notice, and a general lively tone of conversation, which will, if she be timid, draw her mind from the fancied dangers of horseback riding, and render her excursion much more agreeable than if she be left to imagine horrors whenever her horse may p.r.i.c.k up his ears or whisk his tail. And, while thus conversing, keep an eye always on the lady's horse, so that in case he should really get frightened, you may be ready by your instruction and a.s.sistance to aid the lady in quieting his fears.

In dismounting you should offer your right hand to the lady's left, and allow her to use your left as a step to dismount on, gently declining it as soon as the lady has left her seat on the saddle, and just before she springs. Many ladies spring from the saddle, but this generally confuses the gentleman and is dangerous to the lady, for the horse may move at the instant she springs, which would inevitably throw her backward and might result in a serious injury.

DRIVING.

In the indulgence of this beautiful pastime there are many points of care and attention to be observed; they will render to the driver himself much gratification by the confidence they will inspire in his companion, by having the knowledge that he or she is being driven by a careful horseman, and thus knowing that half of what danger may attend the pleasure, is removed.

On reaching the door of your companion's residence, whom we will suppose to be in this case a lady,--though the same attention may well be extended to a gentleman,--drive close to the mounting-block or curb, and by heading your horse toward the middle of the road, and slightly backing the wagon, separate the fore and hind wheels on the side next the block as much as possible. This gives room for the lady to ascend into the wagon without soiling her dress by rubbing against either tire, and also gives the driver room to lean over and tuck into the wagon any part of a lady's dress that may hang out after she is seated.

In a.s.sisting the lady to ascend into the wagon, the best and safest way is to tie the horse firmly to a hitching-post or tree, and then to give to your companion the aid of both your hands; but, in case of there being no post to which you can make the rein fast, the following rule may be adopted: Grasp the reins firmly with one hand, and draw them just tight enough to let the horse feel that they are held, and with the other hand a.s.sist the lady; under no circ.u.mstances, even with the most quiet horse, should you place a lady in your vehicle without any hold on the horse, for, although many horses would stand perfectly quiet, the whole race of them are timid, and any sudden noise or motion may start them, in which case the life of your companion may be endangered. In the light no-top or York wagon, which is now used almost entirely for pleasure drives, the right hand cushion should always be higher by three or four inches than the left, for it raises the person driving, thus giving him more control, and renders the lady's seat more comfortable and more safe. It is a mistaken idea, in driving, that it shows a perfect horseman, to drive fast. On the contrary, a good horseman is more careful of his horse than a poor one, and in starting, the horse is always allowed to go slowly for time; as he gradually takes up a quicker pace, and becomes warmed up; the driver may push him even to the top of his speed for some distance, always, however, allowing him to slacken his pace toward the end of his drive, and to come to the stopping-place at a moderate gait.

Endeavor, by your conversation on the road, to make the ride agreeable to your companion. Never try to show off your driving, but remember, that there is no one who drives with so much apparent ease and so little display as the professional jockey, who, as he devotes his life to the management of the reins, may well be supposed to be the most thoroughly good "whip."

In helping the lady out of the wagon, the same rule must be observed as in the start; namely, to have your horse well in hand or firmly tied. Should your companion be a gentleman and a horseman, the courtesy is always to offer him the reins, though the offer, if made to yourself by another with whom you are riding, should always be declined; unless, indeed, the horse should be particularly "hard-mouthed" and your friend's arms should be tired, in which case you should relieve him.

Be especially careful in the use of the whip, that it may not spring back outside of the vehicle and strike your companion. This rule should be particularly attended to in driving "tandem" or "four-in-hand," as a cut with a heavy tandem-whip is by no means a pleasant accompaniment to your drive.

BOXING.

In this much-abused accomplishment, there would, from the rough nature of the sport, seem to be small room for civility; yet, in none of the many manly sports is there so great a scope for the exercise of politeness as in this. Should your adversary be your inferior in boxing, there are many ways to teach him and encourage him in his pursuit of proficiency, without knocking him about as if your desire was to injure him as much as possible. And you will find that his grat.i.tude for your forbearance will prompt him to exercise the same indulgence to others who are inferior to himself, and thus by the exchange of gentlemanly civility the science of boxing is divested of one of its most objectionable points, viz: the danger of the combatants becoming angry and changing the sport to a brutal fight.

Always allow your antagonist to choose his gloves from the set, though, if you recommend any to him, let him take the hardest ones and you the softest; thus he will receive the easier blows. Allow him the choice of ground and position, and endeavor in every way to give him the utmost chance. In this way, even if you should be worsted in the game, your kindness and courtesy to him will be acknowledged by any one who may be with you, and by no one more readily than your antagonist himself. These same rules apply to the art of fencing, the most graceful and beautiful of exercises. Let your opponent have his choice of the foils and sword-gloves, give him the best position for light, and in your thrusts remember that to make a "hit" does not require you to force your foil as violently as you can against your antagonist's breast; but, that every touch will show if your foils be chalked and the one who has the most "spots" at the end of the encounter is the beaten man.

SAILING.

Within a few years there has been a most decided movement in favor of aquatic pursuits. Scarcely a town can be found, near the sea or on the bank of a river but what can either furnish a yacht or a barge. In all our princ.i.p.al cities the "navies" of yachts and barges number many boats. The barge clubs particularly are well-fitted with active, healthy men, who can appreciate the physical benefit of a few hours' work at the end of a sixteen-foot sweep, and who prefer health and blistered hands to a life of fashionable and unhealthy amus.e.m.e.nt. Under the head of sailing we will give some hints of etiquette as to sailing and rowing together. A gentleman will never parade his superiority in these accomplishments, still less boast of it, but rather, that the others may not feel their inferiority, he will keep considerably within his powers. If a guest or a stranger be of the party, the best place must be offered to him, though he may be a bad oar; but, at the same time, if a guest knows his inferiority in this respect, he will, for more reasons than one, prefer an inferior position. So, too, when a certain amount of exertion is required, as in boating, a well-bred man will offer to take the greater share, pull the heaviest oar, and will never shirk his work. In short, the whole rule of good manners on such occasions is not to be selfish, and the most amiable man will therefore be the best bred. It is certainly desirable that a gentleman should be able to handle an oar, or to steer and work a yacht, both that when he has an opportunity he may acquire health, and that he may be able to take part in the charming excursions which are made by water. One rule should apply to all these aquatic excursions, and that is, that the gentleman who invites the ladies, should there be any, and who is, therefore, at the trouble of getting up the party, should always be allowed to steer the boat, unless he decline the post, for he has the advantage of more intimate acquaintance with the ladies, whom he will have to entertain on the trip, and the post of honor should be given him as a compliment to his kindness in undertaking the preliminaries.

HUNTING.

Gentlemen residing in the country, and keeping a stable, are generally ready to join the hunt club. We are gradually falling into the English sports and pastimes. Cricket, boxing, and hunting, are being more and more practiced every year, and our hors.e.m.e.n and pugilists aspire to conquer those of Britain, when a few years back, to attempt such a thing would have been considered folly. In this country the organization of hunt-clubs is made as much to rid the country of the foxes as to enjoy the sport. We differ much from the Britons in our hunting; we have often a hilly dangerous country, with high worm and post-and-rail fences crossing it, deep streams with precipitous sides and stony ground to ride over. We hunt in cold weather when the ground is frozen hard, and we take everything as it is, hills, fences, streams, and hedges, risking our necks innumerable times in a hunt. In England the hunters have a flat country, fences which do not compare to ours in height, and they hunt after a frost when the ground is soft.

Our hunting field at the "meet" does not show the gaudy equipment and top-boots of England, but the plain dress of the gentleman farmer, sometimes a blue coat and jockey-cap, but oftener the every-day coat and felt hat, but the etiquette of our hunting field is more observed than in England. There any one joins the meet, if it is a large one, but here no one enters the field unless acquainted with one or more of the gentlemen on the ground. The rules in the hunt are few and simple. Never attempt to hunt unless you have a fine seat in the saddle and a good horse, and never accept the loan of a friend's horse, still less an enemy's, unless you ride very well. A man may forgive you for breaking his daughter's heart but never for breaking his hunter's neck. Another point is, always to be quiet at a meet, and never join one unless acquainted with some one in the field. Pluck, skill, and a good horse are essentials in hunting. Never talk of your achievements, avoid enthusiastic shouting when you break cover, and do not ride over the hounds. Keep a firm hand, a quick eye, an easy, calm frame of mind, and a good, firm seat on the saddle. Watch the country you are going over, be always ready to help a friend who may "come to grief," and with the rules and the quiet demeanor you will soon be a favorite in the field.

SKATING.

Though we may, in the cold winter, sigh for the return of spring breezes, and look back with regret on the autumn sports, or even the heat of summer, there is yet a balm for our frozen spirits in the glorious and exhilarating sports of winter. The sleigh filled with laughing female beauties and "beauties," too, of the sterner s.e.x, and the merry jingle of the bells as we fly along the road or through the streets, are delights of which Old Winter alone is the giver. But, pleasant as the sleigh-ride is, the man who looks for health and exercise at all seasons, turns from the seductive pleasures of the sleigh to the more simple enjoyment derived from the skates. Flying along over the glistening ice to the accompaniment of shouts of merry laughter at some novice's mishap, and feeling that we have within us the speed of the race-horse, the icy pleasure is, indeed, a good subst.i.tute for the pleasures of the other seasons.

So universal has skating become, that instruction in this graceful accomplishment seems almost unnecessary; but, for the benefit of the rising generation who may peruse our work, we will give, from a well-known authority, a few hints as to the manner of using the skates before we add our own instruction as to the etiquette of the skating ground.

"Before going on the ice, the young skater must learn to put on the skates, and may also learn to walk with them easily in a room, balancing, alternately, on each foot. A skater's dress should be as loose and uninc.u.mbered as possible. All fullness of dress is exposed to the wind. As the exercise of skating produces perspiration, flannel next the chest, shoulders, and loins, is necessary to avoid the evils of sudden chills in cold weather.

"Either very rough or very smooth ice should be avoided. The person who, for the first time, attempts to skate, must not trust to a stick. He may take a friend's hand for support, if he requires one; but that should be soon relinquished, in order to balance himself. He will, probably, scramble about for half an hour or so, till he begins to find out where the edge of his skate is. The beginner must be fearless, but not violent; nor even in a hurry. He should not let his feet get apart, and keep his heels still nearer together. He must keep the ankle of the foot on the ice quite firm; not attempting to gain the edge of the skate by bending it, because the right mode of getting to either edge is by the inclination of the whole body in the direction required; and this inclination should be made fearlessly and decisively. The leg which is on the ice should be kept perfectly straight; for, though the knee must be somewhat bent at the time of striking, it must be straightened as quickly as possible without any jerk. The leg which is off the ice should also be kept straight, though not stiff, having an easy but straight play, the toe pointing downwards, and the heel from six to twelve inches of the other.

"The learner must not look down at the ice, nor at his feet, to see how they perform. He may, at first, incline his body a little forward, for safety, but hold his head up, and see where he goes, his person erect and his face rather elevated than otherwise.

"When once off, he must bring both feet up together, and strike again, as soon as he finds himself steady enough, rarely allowing both feet to be on the ice together. The position of the arms should be easy and varied; one being always more raised than the other, this elevation being alternate, and the change corresponding to that of the legs; that is, the right arm being raised as the right leg is put down, and vice versa, so that the arm and leg of the same side may not be raised together. The face must be always turned in the direction of the line intended to be described. Hence in backward skating, the head will be inclined much over the shoulder; in forward skating, but slightly. All sudden and violent action must be avoided. Stopping may be caused by slightly bending the knees, drawing the feet together, inclining the body forward, and pressing on the heels. It may be also caused by turning short to the right or left, the foot on the side to which we turn being rather more advanced, and supporting part of the weight."[A]

[A] Walker's Manly Exercises.

When on the ice, if you should get your skates on before your companion, always wait for him; for, nothing is more disagreeable than being left behind on an occasion of this kind. Be ready at all times when skating to render a.s.sistance to any one, either lady or gentleman, who may require it. A gentleman may be distinguished at all times by the willingness with which he will give up his sport to render himself agreeable and kind to any one in difficulty. Should you have one of the skating-sleds so much used for taking ladies on the ice, and should your own ladies, if you are accompanied by any, not desire to use it, the most becoming thing you can do is to place it at the disposal of any other gentleman who has ladies with him, and who is not provided with such a conveyance.

Always keep to the right in meeting a person on the ice, and always skate perfectly clear of the line in which a lady is advancing, whether she be on skates or on foot. Attention to the other s.e.x is no where more appreciated than on the ice, where they are, unless good skaters, comparatively helpless. Be always prompt to a.s.sist in the extrication of any one who may break through the ice, but let your zeal be tempered by discretion, and always get a rope or ladder if possible, in preference to going near the hole; for there is great risk of your breaking through yourself, and endangering your own life without being able to a.s.sist the person already submerged. But should the rope or ladder not be convenient, the best method is to lay flat on your breast on the ice, and push yourself cautiously along until you can touch the person's hand, and then let him climb by it out of the hole.

SWIMMING.

So few persons are unable to swim, that it would be useless for us to furnish any instruction in the actual art of swimming; but a few words on the subject of a.s.sisting others while in the water may not come amiss.

It is a desirable accomplishment to be able to swim in a suit of clothes. This may be practiced by good swimmers, cautiously at first, in comparatively shallow water, and afterwards in deeper places. Occasions may frequently occur where it may be necessary to plunge into the water to save a drowning person, where the lack of time, or the presence of ladies, would preclude all possibility of removing the clothes. There are few points of etiquette in swimming, except those of giving all the a.s.sistance in our power to beginners, and to remember the fact of our being gentlemen, though the sport may be rough when we are off terra firma. We shall therefore devote this section of our exercise department to giving a few general directions as to supporting drowning persons, which support is, after all, the most valued attention we can render to any one.

If possible, always go to save a life in company with one or two others. One companion is generally sufficient, but two will do no harm, for, if the service of the second be not required, he can easily swim back to sh.o.r.e. On reaching the object of your pursuit, if he be clinging to anything, caution him, as you approach, to hold it until you tell him to let go, and then to let his arms fall to his side. Then let one of your companions place his hand under the armpit of the person to be a.s.sisted, and you doing the like, call to him to let go his support, then tread water until you get his arms on the shoulders of your companion and yourself, and then swim gently to sh.o.r.e. Should you be alone, the utmost you can do is to let him hold his support while you tread water near him until further a.s.sistance can be obtained. If you are alone and he has no support, let him rest one arm across your shoulder, put one of your arms behind his back, and the hand under his armpit, and tread water until help arrives. Never let a man in these circ.u.mstances grasp you in any way, particularly if he be frightened, for you may both be drowned; but, try to cool and rea.s.sure him by the intrepidity of your own movements, and he will be safely and easily preserved.

CRICKET.

When in the cricket-field, we must allow ourselves to enter into the full spirit of the game; but we must not allow the excitement of the play to make us forget what is due to others and to ourselves. A gentle, easy, and, at the same time, gentlemanly manner, may be a.s.sumed. Always offer to your companions the use of your private bat, if they are not similarly provided; for the bats belonging to the club often lose the spring in the handle from constant use, and a firm bat with a good spring will prove very acceptable. In this way you gratify the player, and, as a reward for your kindness, he may, from being well provided, score more for the side than he would with inferior or worn-out tools.

This game is more purely democratic than any one we know of, and the most aristocratic of gentlemen takes second rank, for the time, to the most humble cricketer, if the latter be the more skillful. But a good player is not always a gentleman, and the difference in cultivation may always be distinguished. A gentleman will never deride any one for his bad play, nor give vent to oaths, or strong epithets, if disappointed in the playing of one of his side. If he has to ask another player for anything, he does so in a way to establish his claim to gentility. "May I trouble you for that ball?" or, "Will you please to hand me that bat?" are much preferable to "Here, you! ball there!" or, "Clumsy, don't carry off that bat!" Again, if a gentleman makes a mistake himself, he should always acknowledge it quietly, and never start a stormy discussion as to the merits of his batting or fielding. In fine, preserve the same calm demeanor in the field that you would in the parlor, however deeply you enter into the excitement of the game.

CHAPTER IX.

TRAVELING.

In this country where ladies travel so much alone, a gentleman has many opportunities of making this unprotected state a pleasant one. There are many little courtesies which you may offer to a lady when traveling, even if she is an entire stranger to you, and by an air of respectful deference, you may place her entirely at her ease with you, even if you are both young.

When traveling with a lady, your duties commence when you are presented to her as an escort. If she is personally a stranger, she will probably meet you at the wharf or car depot; but if an old acquaintance, you should offer to call for her at her residence. Take a hack, and call, leaving ample time for last speeches and farewell tears. If she hands you her purse to defray her expenses, return it to her if you stop for any length of time at a place where she may wish to make purchases. If you make no stop upon your journey, keep the purse until you arrive at your destination, and then return it. If she does not give you the money for her expenses when you start, you had best pay them yourself, keeping an account, and she will repay you at the journey's end.

When you start, select for your companion the pleasantest seat, see that her shawl and bag are within her reach, the window lowered or raised as she may prefer, and then leave her to attend to the baggage, or, if you prefer, let her remain in the hack while you get checks for the trunks. Never keep a lady standing upon the wharf or in the depot, whilst you arrange the baggage.

When you arrive at a station, place your lady in a hack while you get the trunks.

When arriving at a hotel, escort your companion to the parlor, and leave her there whilst you engage rooms. As soon as her room is ready, escort her to the door, and leave her, as she will probably wish to change her dress or lie down, after the fatigue of traveling. If you remain chatting in the parlor, although she may be too polite to give any sign of weariness, you may feel sure she is longing to go to a room where she can bathe her face and smooth her hair.

If you remain in the hotel to any meal, ask before you leave her, at what hour she wishes to dine, sup, or breakfast, and at that hour, knock at her door, and escort her to the table.

If you remain in the city at which her journey terminates, you should call the day after your arrival upon the companion of your journey. If, previous to that journey, you have never met her, she has the privilege of continuing the acquaintance or not as she pleases, so if all your gallantry is repaid by a cut the next time you meet her, you must submit, and hope for better luck next time. In such a case, you are at liberty to decline escorting her again should the request be made.

When traveling alone, your opportunities to display your gallantry will be still more numerous. To offer to carry a bag for a lady who is unattended, to raise or lower a window for her, offer to check her baggage, procure her a hack, give her your arm from car to boat or boat to car, a.s.sist her children over the bad crossings, or in fact extend any such kindness, will mark you as a gentleman, and win you the thanks due to your courtesy. Be careful however not to be too attentive, as you then become officious, and embarra.s.s when you mean to please.

If you are going to travel in other countries, in Europe, especially, I would advise you to study the languages, before you attempt to go abroad. French is the tongue you will find most useful in Europe, as it is spoken in the courts, and amongst diplomatists; but, in order fully to enjoy a visit to any country, you must speak the language of that country. You can then visit in the private houses, see life among the peasantry, go with confidence from village to town, from city to city, learning more of the country in one day from familiar intercourse with the natives, than you would learn in a year from guide books or the explanations of your courier. The way to really enjoy a journey through a strange land, is not to roll over the high ways in your carriage, stop at the hotels, and be led to the points of interest by your guide, but to shoulder your knapsack, or take up your valise, and make a pedestrian tour through the hamlets and villages. Take a room at a hotel in the princ.i.p.al cities if you will, and see all that your guide book commands you to seek, and then start on your own tour of investigation, and believe me you will enjoy your independent walks and chats with the villagers and peasants, infinitely more than your visits dictated by others. Of course, to enjoy this mode of traveling, you must have some knowledge of the language, and if you start with only a very slight acquaintance with it, you will be surprised to find how rapidly you will acquire the power to converse, when you are thus forced to speak in that language, or be entirely silent.

Your pocket, too, will be the gainer by the power to arrange your own affairs. If you travel with a courier and depend upon him to arrange your hotel bills and other matters, you will be cheated by every one, from the boy who blacks your boots, to the magnificent artist, who undertakes to fill your picture gallery with the works of the "old masters." If Murillo, Raphael, and Guido could see the pictures brought annually to this country as genuine works of their pencils, we are certain that they would tear their ghostly hair, wring their shadowy hands, and return to the tomb again in disgust. Ignorant of the language of the country you are visiting, you will be swindled in the little villages and the large cities by the inn-keepers and the hack-drivers, in the country and in the town, morning, noon, and evening, daily, hourly, and weekly; so, again I say, study the languages if you propose going abroad.

In a foreign country nothing stamps the difference between the gentleman and the clown more strongly than the regard they pay to foreign customs. While the latter will exclaim against every strange dress or dish, and even show signs of disgust if the latter does not please him, the former will endeavor, as far as is in his power, to "do in Rome as Romans do."

Accustom yourself, as soon as possible, to the customs of the nation which you are visiting, and, as far as you can without any violation of principle, follow them. You will add much to your own comfort by so doing, for, as you cannot expect the whole nation to conform to your habits, the sooner you fall in with theirs the sooner you will feel at home in the strange land.

Never ridicule or blame any usage which seems to you ludicrous or wrong. You may wound those around you, or you may anger them, and it cannot add to the pleasure of your visit to make yourself unpopular. If in Germany they serve your meat upon marmalade, or your beef raw, or in Italy give you peas in their pods, or in France offer you frog's legs and horsesteaks, if you cannot eat the strange viands, make no remarks and repress every look or gesture of disgust. Try to adapt your taste to the dishes, and if you find that impossible, remove those articles you cannot eat from your plate, and make your meal upon the others, but do this silently and quietly, endeavoring not to attract attention.

The best travelers are those who can eat cats in China, oil in Greenland, frogs in France, and maccaroni in Italy; who can smoke a meershaum in Germany, ride an elephant in India, shoot partridges in England, and wear a turban in Turkey; in short, in every nation adapt their habits, costume, and taste to the national manners, dress and dishes.

Do not, when abroad, speak continually in praise of your own country, or disparagingly of others. If you find others are interested in gaining information about America, speak candidly and freely of its customs, scenery, or products, but not in a way that will imply a contempt of other countries. To turn up your nose at the Thames because the Mississippi is longer and wider, or to sneer at any object because you have seen its superior at home, is rude, ill-bred, and in excessively bad taste. You will find abroad numerous objects of interest which America cannot parallel, and while abroad, you will do well to avoid mention of "our rivers," "our mountains," or, "our manufactories." You will find ruins in Rome, pictures in Florence, cemeteries in France, and factories in England, which will take the lead and challenge the world to compete; and you will exhibit a far better spirit if you candidly acknowledge that superiority, than if you make absurd and untrue a.s.sertions of "our" power to excel them.

You will, of course, meet with much to disapprove, much that will excite your laughter; but control the one and keep silence about the other. If you find fault, do so gently and quietly; if you praise, do so without qualification, sincerely and warmly.

Study well the geography of any country which you may visit, and, as far as possible, its history also. You cannot feel much interest in localities or monuments connected with history, if you are unacquainted with the events which make them worthy of note.

Converse with any who seem disposed to form an acquaintance. You may thus pa.s.s an hour or two pleasantly, obtain useful information, and you need not carry on the acquaintance unless you choose to do so. Amongst the higher circles in Europe you will find many of the customs of each nation in other nations, but it is among the peasants and the people that you find the true nationality.

You may carry with you one rule into every country, which is, that, however much the inhabitants may object to your dress, language, or habits, they will cheerfully acknowledge that the American stranger is perfectly amiable and polite.

CHAPTER X.

ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH.

It is not, in this book, a question, what you must believe, but how you must act. If your conscience permits you to visit other churches than your own, your first duty, whilst in them, is not to sneer or scoff at any of its forms, and to follow the service as closely as you can.

To remove your hat upon entering the edifice devoted to the worship of a Higher Power, is a sign of respect never to be omitted. Many men will omit in foreign churches this custom so expressive and touching, and by the omission make others believe them irreverent and foolish, even though they may act from mere thoughtlessness. If, however, you are in a country where the head is kept covered, and another form of humility adopted, you need not fear to follow the custom of those around you. You will be more respected if you pay deference to their religious views, than if you undertook to prove your superiority by affecting a contempt for any form of worship. Enter with your thoughts fixed upon high and holy subjects, and your face will show your devotion, even if you are ignorant of the forms of that particular church.

If you are with a lady, in a catholic church, offer her the holy water with your hand ungloved, for, as it is in the intercourse with princes, that church requires all the ceremonies to be performed with the bare hand.

Pa.s.s up the aisle with your companion until you reach the pew you are to occupy, then step before her, open the door, and hold it open while she enters the pew. Then follow her, closing the door after you.

If you are visiting a strange church, request the s.e.xton to give you a seat. Never enter a pew uninvited. If you are in your own pew in church, and see strangers looking for a place, open your pew door, invite them by a motion to enter, and hold the door open for them, re-entering yourself after they are seated.

If others around you do not pay what you think a proper attention to the services, do not, by scornful glances or whispered remarks, notice their omissions. Strive, by your own devotion, to forget those near you.

You may offer a book or fan to a stranger near you, if unprovided themselves, whether they be young or old, lady or gentleman.

Remain kneeling as long as those around you do so. Do not, if your own devotion is not satisfied by your att.i.tude, throw scornful glances upon those who remain seated, or merely bow their heads. Above all never sign to them, or speak, reminding them of the position most suitable for the service. Keep your own position, but do not think you have the right to dictate to others. I have heard young persons addressing, with words of reproach, old men, and lame ones, whose infirmities forbade them to kneel or stand in church, but who were, doubtless, as good Christians as their presumptuous advisers. I know that it often is an effort to remain silent when those in another pew talk incessantly in a low tone or whisper, or sing in a loud tone, out of all time or tune, or read the wrong responses in a voice of thunder; but, while you carefully avoid such faults yourself, you must pa.s.s them over in others, without remark.

If, when abroad, you visit a church to see the pictures or monuments within its walls, and not for worship, choose the hours when there is no service being read. Even if you are alone, or merely with a guide, speak low, walk slowly, and keep an air of quiet respect in the edifice devoted to the service of G.o.d.

Let me here protest against an Americanism of which modest ladies justly complain; it is that of gentlemen standing in groups round the doors of churches both before and after service. A well-bred man will not indulge in this practice; and, if detained upon the step by a friend, or, whilst waiting for another person, he will stand aside and allow plenty of room for others to pa.s.s in, and will never bring the blood into a woman's face by a long, curious stare.

In church, as in every other position in life, the most unselfish man is the most perfect gentleman; so, if you wish to retain your position as a well-bred man, you will, in a crowded church, offer your seat to any lady, or old man, who may be standing.

CHAPTER XI.

ONE HUNDRED HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT.

1. Always avoid any rude or boisterous action, especially when in the presence of ladies. It is not necessary to be stiff, indolent, or sullenly silent, neither is perfect gravity always required, but if you jest let it be with quiet, gentlemanly wit, never depending upon clownish gestures for the effect of a story. Nothing marks the gentleman so soon and so decidedly as quiet, refined ease of manner.

2. Never allow a lady to get a chair for herself, ring a bell, pick up a handkerchief or glove she may have dropped, or, in short, perform any service for herself which you can perform for her, when you are in the room. By extending such courtesies to your mother, sisters, or other members of your family, they become habitual, and are thus more gracefully performed when abroad.

3. Never perform any little service for another with a formal bow or manner as if conferring a favor, but with a quiet gentlemanly ease as if it were, not a ceremonious, unaccustomed performance, but a matter of course, for you to be courteous.

4. It is not necessary to tell all that you know; that were mere folly; but what a man says must be what he believes himself, else he violates the first rule for a gentleman's speech--Truth.

5. Avoid gambling as you would poison. Every bet made, even in the most finished circles of society, is a species of gambling, and this ruinous crime comes on by slow degrees. Whilst a man is minding his business, he is playing the best game, and he is sure to win. You will be tempted to the vice by those whom the world calls gentlemen, but you will find that loss makes you angry, and an angry man is never a courteous one; gain excites you to continue the pursuit of the vice; and, in the end you will lose money, good name, health, good conscience, light heart, and honesty; while you gain evil a.s.sociates, irregular hours and habits, a suspicious, fretful temper, and a remorseful, tormenting conscience. Some one must lose in the game; and, if you win it, it is at the risk of driving a fellow creature to despair.

6. Cultivate tact! In society it will be an invaluable aid. Talent is something, but tact is everything. Talent is serious, sober, grave, and respectable; tact is all that and more too. It is not a sixth sense, but it is the life of all the five. It is the open eye, the quick ear, the judging taste, the keen smell, and the lively touch; it is the interpreter of all riddles--the surmounter of all difficulties--the remover of all obstacles. It is useful in all places, and at all times; it is useful in solitude, for it shows a man his way into the world; it is useful in society, for it shows him his way through the world. Talent is power--tact is skill; talent is weight--tact is momentum; talent knows what to do--tact knows how to do it; talent makes a man respectable--tact will make him respected; talent is wealth--tact is ready money. For all the practical purposes of society tact carries against talent ten to one.

7. Nature has left every man a capacity of being agreeable, though all cannot shine in company; but there are many men sufficiently qualified for both, who, by a very few faults, that a little attention would soon correct, are not so much as tolerable. Watch, avoid such faults.

8. Habits of self-possession and self-control acquired early in life, are the best foundation for the formation of gentlemanly manners. If you unite with this the constant intercourse with ladies and gentlemen of refinement and education, you will add to the dignity of perfect self command, the polished ease of polite society.

9. Avoid a conceited manner. It is exceedingly ill-bred to a.s.sume a manner as if you were superior to those around you, and it is, too, a proof, not of superiority but of vulgarity. And to avoid this manner, avoid the foundation of it, and cultivate humility. The praises of others should be of use to you, in teaching, not what you are, perhaps, but in pointing out what you ought to be.

10. Avoid pride, too; it often miscalculates, and more often misconceives. The proud man places himself at a distance from other men; seen through that distance, others, perhaps, appear little to him; but he forgets that this very distance causes him also to appear little to others.