The Gentleman from Everywhere Part 9

When among Romans, I was, much to my disgust, obliged to do as Romans did. I would often go to cities where my opponent's readers or arithmetics had been adopted the night before, point out the defects of rival publications, give an unabridged dictionary to each official, offer a ten per cent. commission to the "king pin," take the board in a hack to their headquarters, secure a reconsideration, telegraph for my books, and the next day with express wagons and helpers, put our readers into every school in the town.

This was sharp practice, prices were cut, until finally, we gave new books in even exchange for old ones, trusting to future sales to reimburse us, but when they needed another supply, they would swap even with another publisher, so that our bread cast upon the waters never returned.

We often secured "louder calls" for influential teachers and clergymen in reciprocation for their votes, bought anything they had to sell at their own prices until many publishers became bankrupt; the big fish swallowing the little ones, and then came the survival of the longest purse.

One evening, after my day's work in the city of G--was ended, being lonesome in my hotel, I thought of a family residing there who had a summer residence in R----, and concluded to renew my acquaintance with the eldest daughter with whom I had enjoyed many rides and sails, and to whom I had quoted many romantic poems the previous season.

With fear and trembling, for I was always a bashful youth, I rang the door bell, and was ushered into the parlor where I caught my first glimpse of a fair-haired, rosy-cheeked, graceful younger sister to whom, at a glance, I knew I was married in heaven.

Whence came that vital spark blending our souls in one? Had we lived and loved on some fairer sh.o.r.e? Who can tell? Had our spirits been wandering through the universe millions of years seeking each the other, nor finding rest until we met? Only the angels know.

All we knew and all we seemed to care to know was that at last each had found the "alter ego" for which it pined. There were no others on earth--father, mother, sister, brothers, came and went almost unheeded. Strange as it may seem, on this evening of our first meeting, we told each other the old, old story, first told in Eden, reiterated by millions since, and will continue to be rehea.r.s.ed until Gabriel through his trumpet sounds the final love song to the world.

With favoring winds, o'er sunlit seas, We sailed for the Hesperides, The land where golden apples grow; But that, ah that was long ago.

How far, since then, the ocean streams Have swept us from that land of dreams, That land of fiction and of truth, The lost Atlantis of our youth.

Ultima Thule, utmost isle, Here in thy harbors for a while, We lower our sails; awhile we rest From the unceasing, endless quest.

For a long time I had divided homes and a divided heart, one at the old home with the old folks, the other in the city by the sea.

In our new-born and first-born enthusiasm, we applied to Mary's parents for an early union of hands as well as hearts; but they wisely insisted upon a year's interim, promising that, if at the end of this trial time our ardor had not cooled, they and the minister would "bless you my children," and our hearts should beat as one forevermore.

The course of true love never did run smooth, and when the claiming day arrived, Mary's mother told me that she had been credibly informed that another girl had a prior claim to my promised hand. I protested in vain, and, as the daughter was invisible, I left the house in a rage.

A week, which seemed like a century, pa.s.sed by on leaden wings in which I strove to drown my sorrows in the "flowing bowl" of hard work, and foolish declarations that "I didn't care"; then came a kind letter from Alderman B----, gracefully apologizing for his wife's mistaken a.s.sertions, stating that "Mary was giving them no peace day or night,"

and inviting me to call at my earliest convenience.

The very next train took me to the old familiar trysting-place, once more the white-winged dove of peace brooded over the B--mansion, and we all, especially the parents, fully realized that in order to appreciate heaven we must have at least seven days of h.e.l.l.

Shortly after, at the home of the bride's parents, we twain were made one in the presence of numerous friends and presents; the old shoes and rice were duly showered, and we were off for a month's tour, and a lifelong honeymoon.

During this wedding tour, at the request of my employers, I combined business with pleasure, the firm generously paying all our expenses, and continuing my salary.

We visited many cities, greatly enjoying their varied attractions; but the business part of our journey, which was collecting large sums of money due for books, was not particularly delightful, as the banks had all suspended specie payments as a result of the "green back craze,"

and I was often obliged to resort to legal measures and attachments of property, to secure from reluctant book sellers the sums long overdue.

At one hotel we met with an adventure which well-nigh proved serious.

I was awakened at night by the flash from a bull's eye lantern, a sense of suffocation and a scream from my wife. A masked burglar was before me, pressing to my face a handkerchief saturated with chloroform, and endeavoring to take from under the mattress a large sum of money which I had collected the day before.

"No noise," said he, "your money or your life."

"All right," said I quietly, "I'll get it for you." He stepped back a pace, I quickly pulled from under the pillow my self-c.o.c.king revolver, and fired in rapid succession.

His pistol exploded at nearly the same time, he dropped to the floor, his light vanished, and for a time all was darkness and suspense. I expected another bullet any moment, and seeing nothing to fire at myself, feared to jump from the bed lest I be seized by invisible hands of the desperate villain. Then came shouts and pounding upon the door by neighbors aroused by the uproar. Encouraged by the reinforcements, I struck a light but the ruffian had escaped through the open window on to a piazza roof, thence by a pillar to the ground.

Then we were besieged by excited inquirers, and the rosy-fingered Aurora, daughter of the dawn, appeared before the calm which succeeded the storm.

Shortly after our return from this journey, a great light went out on earth to shine in heaven. My wife's father suddenly left the body,--he did not die, for

There is no death, what seems so is transition, This life of mortal breath Is but a suburb of the life Elysian, Whose portal we call death.

Alderman B---- was a gentleman of the old school, a loving father, a very successful business man, managing marine railways, ship-building and repairing, as well as grain mills. We missed him sadly; but were consoled by the reflection that our great loss was his eternal gain.

My eldest brother, and two of my brother Mark's children, at about this time crossed the same bright river and rested under the shade of the celestial trees.

Myself and wife had intended to live in G----, but as her father was gone, and as she had formed a strong mutual attachment for my family, my wife the following summer took much pleasure in building a handsome cottage nearly opposite my father's house, and on a beautiful lot of land given us by my brother. We formed a literary and musical club, which met weekly at our house, making it the social centre of the entire town.

I was elected chairman of the school committee, and proceeded vigorously in a crusade against ignorance; but soon found that the life of a reformer is crowned with more thorns than roses, a thousandfold! I removed incompetent teachers who, by their silly question and answer methods, were producing parrots--not scholars.

On one occasion, when I subst.i.tuted a trained normal school graduate for a useless dancing doll who had made herself popular by flattering parents and coddling their children, all pupils were withdrawn from the school. I told the new teacher to ring the bell, take in sewing if she wished, and draw her salary even if she was left alone in her glory; then I notified the parents that unless they at once sent their children to the school, I should have the pupils arrested for truancy, and themselves fined for violating the laws of the state. Moral suasion had failed; but the strong arm of the law prevailed, and they soon acknowledged that the new instruction was the best they had ever had in the district.

Much time had hitherto been worse than wasted by cramming the minds with the jaw-breaking names of unimportant rivers, mountains, descriptions of all the frog ponds in Ethiopia, and other useless trash in the so-called geographies; in memorizing the obsolete rules of duodecimals, compound proportion, etc., in the arithmetic; long-winded, unpractical rules for grammar, etc.

I issued a circular eliminating this trash from the course of study, subst.i.tuting the practical short cuts of modern business principles, and in this, also, I met with opposition from the "moss-backs," who insisted that what they had learned in the year one was good enough for their children; they wanted no "new-fangled" notions.

They reminded me of the way-back-hard-sh.e.l.l preacher whose hymn book had been stuffed with profane poems by some lewd fellows of the baser sort. He always opened at random and, trusting to divine guidance, read the first hymn that presented itself; he commenced: "We will sing together the one thousand three hundred and forty 'leventh hime."

"'All around the cobbler's bench the monkey chased the weasel--'"

He was amazed; the congregation was dumbfounded. Taking off his spectacles, wiping them carefully, he put them on his nose again, gazed at the book in consternation: "Well," said he, "I never seed that hime in this yer hime-book before; but the Lord put it in, and we'll sing it whir or no," and proceeded:

"'The preacher kissed the cobbler's wife, pop goes the weasel.'"

As I have said before, it requires a surgical operation to get progressive ideas through our thick heads; but the knife was used freely by me, and I had the satisfaction as well as the odium of infusing much young blood into the worn out educational body during my two years' service as school superintendent in this town.

A few of us wasted our money in building a new church, dedicated to the teaching of the advanced thoughts of the liberal faith; but the people were joined to their idols, and it is now deserted, though the "little leaven has largely leavened the whole lump" of the ancient h.e.l.l fire theology.

It is very, very hard to endure the slings and arrows of the jealous and envious for whose good you are toiling; to be slandered and reviled by your neighbors whose feeble intellects fail to appreciate your strenuous efforts to push forward the car of progress in their midst; but the consolations expressed in this poem bring balm to every wounded spirit.

"I know as my life grows older, And mine eyes have clearer sight, That under each rank wrong, somewhere, There lies the root of right.

That each sorrow has its purpose By the suffering oft unguessed; But as sure as the sun brings morning, Whatever is, is best.

"I know that each sinful action, As sure as the night brings shade, Is some time, somewhere punished, Though the hour be long delayed.

I know that the soul is aided Sometimes, by the heart's unrest, And to grow, means often to suffer; But whatever is, is best.

"I know there are no errors In the great eternal plan, And all things work together For the final good of man.

And I know when my soul speeds onward In the grand eternal quest, I shall say, as I look earthward, Whatever is, is best."

CHAPTER XIII.

THE ANGELS OF LIFE AND DEATH.

By and by unwonted silence and anxiety reigned in our house. The family doctor remained all night, then a faint cry was heard, and little baby May came into this world of ours,