The Funny Side of Physic Part 63

"There are two pretty females, one dark-complexioned, the other light."

(This is the usual "dodge," for, if there is a woman in the question, one of the two is bound to answer this general description.) "Which shall we follow?" she very teasingly inquired.

"Either that comes handiest," was my indifferent reply.

"Well, the dark one, then. She is tall, fair, and is looking anxiously for you to propose. Do you know a lady of this description whom you like?" I regretted that I did not. My "notion" ran to small ladies, of the opposite complexion. "Well," she said, not the least flurried, "here is one of that kind." I instantly placed my mind on one of this cla.s.s,--my sister,--and she ran on. "She is soon to meet you. She is very rich." (Nellie will be glad to learn this.) "And I perceive a short-like man looking after her fortune. But have no concern; she loves you fondly, and you will marry her very soon. You are going a voyage, or across some water." (How far can one travel, in this country, without crossing water?) "You will meet an enemy, who will try to injure you in business."

"What business?" I inquired.

"You are a--yes--mechanic, though your hand is soft. I reckon you've been sick. Yes--machinist; make coffee-mills. Yes" (looking sharply into my face). (I was _leading her_!) "Corn poppers are in your line." (I nodded, and smiled, for how could I refrain from smiling?) "You trade in tin and earthen ware--chamber ware--spoons--and old boots." (True.) "You own a splendid house in the city--a large block"-(head).

"Where was I born? Can you see?"

"Yes; you were reared in the country; where there were deep, dark woods--all woods; in a log house, with thatched roof, and clay and stick chimney. A pig--am I right?--yes, a pig and a dog are kept in the same house. The windows are wooden, and--"

"Where was it?" I suggested.

"I should say in Ireland," she replied.

"Enough, I believe. Now about the other lady," I said.

"The dark one? Yes. She loves you, but is poor. Since you are rich, and a--" Here I tried to impress her that I was married. "You are married, but your wife will not survive you. No, she will soon go to heaven, and you will marry the dark-complexioned lady."

"Good," I exclaimed.

"Yes; and will have five boys and three girls."

"Who?"

"Why, the lady, of course."

"O!"

"Yes, and they will be happy and healthy."

Here she informed me I had got my money's worth.

I think I had.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

XIX.

ECCENTRICITIES.

"They'll not show their teeth in way of smile, Though Nestor swear the jest be laughable."

"Democritus, dear droll, revisit earth, And with our follies glut thy heightened mirth."--PRIOR.

A ONE-EYED DOCTOR AND HIS HORSE.--A NEW EDIBLE.--"HAVE THEM BOILED."--"BEAUTY AND THE BEAST."--A LOVELY STAMPEDE.--AN ECCENTRIC PHILADELPHIAN.--THE POODLES, DRS. HUNTER AND SCIPIO.--SILENT ELOQUENCE.--CONSISTENT TO THE END.--WHEN DOCTORS DISAGREE.--FOUR BLIND MEN.--DIET AND SLEEP.--SAXE AND SANCHO PANZA.--MOTHER GOOSE AS A DOCTOR'S BOOK.--THE TABLES TURNED ON THE DOCTORS.

We love to see an eccentric individual--something out of the common routine of every-day, humdrum life. But what is often taken for an eccentricity is sometimes put on for an advertis.e.m.e.nt.

Nearly all great men have their oddities or peculiarities. I might give many little interesting sketches of some physicians' oddities right among us, but for too great personality. I may, however, work in a few.

The eccentricities of some doctors lie in their dress. Of this, I shall speak under the head of "Dress and Address." Others lie in personal acts, in their walk, manners, and conversation.

I know of one physician who delights in the worst looking old horse he can obtain. The doctor himself has but one eye. His old donkey-like beast corresponded. Report said that he cut out the left eye of the horse to gain that desired end, which, however, is discredited. The beast was also lame, which defect the doctor would never admit.

"What _you_ ignorantly term 'limping' is only an expression of good breeding--which I cannot attach to all whom I meet on the road. It's bowing,--merely bowing. You never see him do it unless somebody is in sight. Gid-dap!" And so delivering himself, the old doctor would drive on, chuckling softly to himself. When his old horse died, he was presented with a fine young beast, which he declined to accept, but scoured the country till he found a high-boned, rib-bared, foundered, and half-blind old roadster.

A NEW DISH.

Dr. James Wood was an oddity. He was a bachelor, between thirty and forty, large and attractive. He was remarkably neat in dress and person, but delighted in "an old rip of a horse."

Once he was on a tour through New Brunswick, and, in company with a friend, drove up to a tavern at evening, and called for the landlord.

"He ain't t' home, but I'm the horse-slayer," replied a voice, followed by the person of a tall, lean Yankee, who issued from the smoke of the bar-room, and approached our friends, still sitting in the open buggy.

"Here, put up my horse; take good care of him, and feed him well."

"Hoss?" said the impudent fellow. "O, yes, I see him now; he's inside that ere frame, I s'pose. Climb down, gentlemen, and go inter the house.

Landlord and the Santipede (Xantippe?) has gone to St. Johns; but I guess Dolly in the kitchin, and me in the bar-room, can eat and drink yer, though you're two putty big fellows, well's myself." So saying, the gentlemen having alighted, he drove the animal to the stable.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A "HORSE-SLAYER" INDULGING HIS OPINION.]

At supper, the doctor and his friend and two ladies were the only guests. Just what part the "horse-slayer" had had in its preparation was not obvious, since he had, after caring for the horse, only sat with a pipe in his mouth and his heels elevated on the bar-room stove, or following to the sitting-room, and continually plied the doctor with questions. However, the supper was ample, thanks to "Dolly."

"Is there anything more wanted?" inquired the table girl,--a round-faced, round-headed country specimen in neat calico.

"Yes," replied the doctor, "we would like some napkins, seeing there are none on the table."

Away hastened the girl, who, quickly returning, asked in very primitive simplicity,--

"How will you have them cooked?"

"O, boiled, if you please," replied the doctor, without changing a muscle about his sober-looking face.

The girl disappeared at full trot, followed by jeers of laughter from the gentlemen present, and suppressed t.i.tters from the ladies.

In a few moments "Dolly" made her appearance, and after searching in vain through the side-table drawer and a cupboard in the dining-room, she said they had none in the house, and intimated that the table girl could not be induced to return, after being laughed at for her ignorance of what a napkin was, and that "herself would wait upon the guests."

When the doctor returned, the "horse-slayer" called out that the napkin doctor was coming, upon which the terrified table-girl ran away and hid.

My informant says, "You're only to say, any time, 'Here comes that napkin doctor,' and the table girl nearly goes wild, dropping everything, and hiding away in her chamber till a.s.sured it is only a false alarm."