The Funny Side of Physic Part 30

Still the doctor, to her astonishment, did not reply, or open the door.

"For G.o.d's sake, doctor, let me out." Listening a few seconds, she screamed, "O, I believe he's gone, and left me here to parboil! Open, open!" And she knocked louder and louder at the door, while the now almost scalding waters literally poured from her body. "O, I shall suffocate here." And giving a desperate kick, she set her foot through the panelled door, and, getting down on all fours, she crawled through the opening.

Just then the doctor's wife, hearing the thumping, hastened to the room, and with many apologies and excuses, rubbed down and dried the old lady, and begged her not to mention the affair.

But never, to the day of her death, did the old lady again enter a "steam bath," or cease to tell how "_the doctor went off to attend a 'birth'

leaving her in the bath to parboil_!"

_A Dry Shower Bath._--When shower baths were all the rage, a few years ago, all sorts of plans were suggested to avoid getting wet. The following is to the point:--

_Doctor._ Well, deacon, how did your wife manage her new shower bath?

[Ill.u.s.tration: A DRY SHOWER BATH.]

_Deacon._ O, she had real good luck. Madam Mooney told how she managed with hern. She had made a large oiled silk hood, with a large cape to it, like a fisherman's in a storm, that came all down over her shoulders.

_Doctor_ (impatiently). She's a fool for her pains. That's not the way.

_Deacon._ So my wife thought.

_Doctor._ And your wife did nothing of the kind, I hope.

_Deacon._ O, no, no. My wife, she used an umbrilly.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

IX.

FORTUNE-TELLERS.

_1st Witch._ By the p.r.i.c.king of my thumbs, Something wicked this way comes.

_Macbeth._ How now, you secret, black and midnight hags, What is't ye do?

_All._ A deed without a name.--MACBETH, Act IV. Sc. 1.

PAST AND PRESENT.--BIBLE ASTROLOGERS AND FORTUNE-TELLERS.--ARABIAN.--EASTERN.--ENGLISH.--QUEEN'S FAVORITE.--LILLY.--A LUCKY GUESS.--THE GREAT LONDON FIRE FORETOLD.--HOW.--OUR "TIDAL WAVE" AND AGa.s.sIZ.--A HAUL OF FORTUNE-TELLERS.--PRESENT.--VISIT EN Ma.s.sE.--"FILLIKY MILLIKY."--"CHARGE BAYONETS!"--A FOWL PROCEEDING.--FINDING LOST PROPERTY.--THE MAGIC MIRROR EXPOSe.--"ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE."--PROCURESSES.--BOSTON MUSEUM.--"A NICE OLD GENTLEMAN."--MONEY DOES IT.--GREAT SUMS OF MONEY.--"LOVE POWDER"

EXPOSE.--HASHEESH.--"DOES HE LOVE ME?"

Under the guise of fortune-telling and clairvoyance the most nefarious atrocities are daily enacted, not only in the larger cities, but in the villages and towns even, throughout the country. In this chapter I propose to ventilate them in a manner never before attempted, and the _expose_ may be relied upon as correct in every particular.

"Why," exclaimed a friend, "I thought fortune-telling one of the follies of the past, and that there was little or none of it practised at the present."

Far from it. Very few, comparatively, who practise the black art come out under the ancient name of fortune-tellers; but there are thousands of ignorant, characterless wretches, in our enlightened day and generation, who pretend to tell fortunes, if not under the open t.i.tle above, as astrologers, seers, clairvoyants, or spiritualists, etc. There are some clairvoyants of whom we shall treat under the head of "Mind and Matter."

The Bible fortune-tellers practised their lesser deceptions under the various t.i.tles of "wise men," "soothsayers," the former being acknowledged as the more legitimate by the Jews, and the latter mere heathenish prognosticators, without divine authority, as thus: Is. ii. 6. "Therefore thou hast forsaken thy people, the house of Jacob, because they be replenished from the east, and are _soothsayers, like the Philistines_."

8. "Their land also is full of idols; they worship the work of their own hands, that which their own fingers have made."

There were also wizards, astrologers, "star-gazers" (Is. xlvii. 13), spiritualists (1 Sam. xxviii. 3), magicians, sorcerers, and "the well-favored harlot, the mistress of witchcrafts, that _selleth nations through her wh.o.r.edoms, and families through her witchcrafts_." Nahum iii.

4.

All of these exist at the present day, carrying on the same sort of vile deceptions and heinous crimes, to the "selling of families and nations,"

and souls, in spite of law or gospel. Even as those of nearly six thousand years ago were patronized by the great, the kings, and queens, and n.o.bles of the earth, so are the fortune-tellers, under the more refined t.i.tles, visited by governors, representatives, and ladies and gentlemen of rank, of modern times.

In visiting these pretenders, in order "to worm out the secrets of their trade," the writer has not only been a.s.sured by them in confidence that the above is true, but he has met distinguished characters there, face to face,--the minister of the gospel, the lawyer, the judge, the doctor, and what _ought_ to have been the representative intelligence of the land,--consulting and fellowshiping with ignorant fortune-tellers.

"Ignorant?" Yes, out of the scores whom I have seen, there has not been one, male or female, possessing an intelligence above ordinary people in the unprofessional walks of life, while the majority of them were in comparison far below the mediocrity.

If ignorance alone patronized ignorance, like a family intermarrying, the stock would eventually dwindle into nothingness, and entirely die out.

Before the "captivity" the Jews had their wise men, and on their exodus they reported the existence of the magicians or magi of Egypt.

It seems that nearly everybody, and particularly the Egyptians, regarded Moses and Aaron as but magicians in those days; and the magi of Pharaoh's household--for all kings and rulers of ancient times and countries had their fortune-tellers about them--had a little "tilt" with Moses and Aaron, commencing with the changing of the rods into snakes. The Egyptian magicians did very well at the snake "trick," as the modern magician calls it, also at producing frogs, and such like reptiles; but they were puzzled in the vermin business, and the boils troubled them, and they then gave up, and acknowledged that there _was_ a power beyond theirs, and that power was with G.o.d.

Well, that is not fortune-telling; but this was the cla.s.s who professed the power of foretelling; and we find them, with women of the familiar spirits, made mention of all through the scriptural writing. Isaiah testifies (chapter xix.) that the charmers, familiar spirits, and wizards ruined Egypt as a nation. What advantage were they ever to King Saul, the gra.s.s-eating king with the long name, or any other individuals, in their perplexities?

They rather stood in the light of individuals, nations, and the cause of Heaven. Then Jesus and the apostles had them to meet and overcome--for their power had become very great, even to the publication of books to promulgate their doctrines; for we read in Acts xix. 19, that there were brought forth at Ephesus, at one time, these books, to the amount of fifty thousand pieces of silver, or about twenty-six thousand five hundred dollars' worth, and burned in the public square or synagogue.

There are some instances recorded in the Bible, and by Josephus, where the Jews professed to foretell events. The curious case of Barjesus, at Paphos, who, for a time, hindered Sergius, the deputy of the country, from embracing Christianity, is cited in ill.u.s.tration of the injury that false prophets are to all advancement. Paul testifies to that fact in the following words: "O, full of all subtlety, and all mischief, child of the devil, enemy to all righteousness," etc.

ARABIAN FORTUNE-TELLER.

The Arabians, from time immemorial, have been implicit believers in fortune-telling, as well as believers in the efficacy of charms and all other mystic arts. "No species of knowledge is more highly venerated by them than that of the occult sciences, which affords maintenance to a vast number of quacks and impudent pretenders." The science of "Isen Allah"

enables the possessor to discern what is pa.s.sing in his absence, to expel evil spirits, and cure malignant diseases. Others claim to control the winds and the weather, calm tempests, and to say their prayers in person at Mecca, without stirring from their own abodes hundreds of miles away!

The "Sinia" is what is better known to us as jugglery and feats of illusion.

The "Ramle" is the more proper fortune-telling, and is believed in and practised by people of all ranks, male and female, and by the physicians.

THE EASTERN PRINCE.

Fortune-telling is practised in all Eastern countries, to a great extent, to the present day. Some pretend to foretell events by the stars and planets, some by charms, cards, the palm of the hand, or a lock of hair; the latter is the most vulgar mode, and commonly followed by the gypsies.

When the fortress of Ismail was besieged, in 1790, by the Russians, Prince Potemkin, the commanding officer, began to grow impatient, after nearly two months' resistance, though he was surrounded by all the comforts and luxuries of an Eastern prince--by courtiers and beautiful women, who employed the most exciting and voluptuous means to engage his attention.

Madame De Witt, one of the females, pretended to read the decrees of fate by cards, and foretold that the prince would only take the place at the expiration of three more weeks.

"Ah," exclaimed the prince, with a smile, "I have a method of divination far more infallible, as you shall see;" and he immediately despatched orders to Suwarof _to take Ismail within three days_. The brave but barbarous hero obeyed the order to the very letter.

THE SEER'S WIFE.

When Richmond, afterwards Henry VII., landed at Milford-Haven, on his memorable march to his successful encounter with Richard III., then at Bosworth Field, he consulted a celebrated Welsh seer, who dwelt in magnificent style at a place called Matha Farm. To the duke's question as to whether he should succeed or not, the wily seer, whose name was Davyd Lloyd, requested a little time in which to consider so important a query.