The Funny Side of Physic Part 22

[Ill.u.s.tration: A "HYPO" PATIENT DISCHARGING HIS PHYSICIAN.]

The old doctor had slipped the customary fee into the hands of his brethren as he bade them good night, and entered the room of his patient.

The latter instantly inquired as to the result of the consultation. The doctor entered into an elaborate account of the "diagnosis" and "prognosis" of the case, which was suddenly brought to a close by the little boy, who, climbing into a chair on the opposite side of the bed, asked his father what a "hypo" was.

"You must ask the doctor, my son," replied the father in a feeble voice.

"Hypo," said the unsuspecting doctor, "is an _imaginary_ disease,--the hypochondria, vapors, spleen; ha, ha, ha!"

"Well, papa, that's what the doctors said you've got, 'cause I was on top of the book-case an' heard all they said, an' that's all."

The doctor looked blank. H. arose in his bed, trembling with rage.

"By the heavens above us, I do believe you, my son; and this fellow, this quack, has never had the manliness to tell me so;" and leaping to the floor in his brief single garment, he caught the dumb and astonished "M.

D." by the coat collar and another convenient portion of his wardrobe, and running him to the open door, through the hall, he pitched him out into the midnight darkness, saying, "There! I have demonstrated the truth of the a.s.sertion by pitching the doctor out of doors." H. recovered his health. The doctor recovered damages for a.s.sault and battery.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

VII.

CHARLATANS AND IMPOSTORS.

"Every absurdity has a chance to defend itself, for error is always talkative."--GOLDSMITH.

DEFINITION.--ADVERTISING CHARLATANS.--CITY IMPOSTORS.--FALSE NAMES.--"ADVICE FREE."--INTIMIDATIONS.--WHOLESALE ROBBERY.--VISITING THEIR DENS IN DISGUISE.--Pa.s.sING THE CERBERUS.--WINDINGS.--INS AND OUTS.--THE IRISH PORTER.--QUEER "TWINS," AND A "TRIPLET" DOCTOR.--A HISTORY OF A KNAVE.--BOOT-BLACK AND BOTTLE-WASHER.--PERQUISITES.-- PURCHASED DIPLOMAS.--"INSt.i.tUTES."--WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER OF INFANTS.-- FEMALE HARPIES.--A BOSTON HARPY.--WHERE OUR "LOST CHILDREN" GO.--END OF A WRETCH.

THE CITY CHARLATAN.

A charlatan is necessarily an impostor. He is "one who prates much in his own favor, and makes unwarrantable pretensions to skill." He is "one who imposes on others; a person who a.s.sumes a character for the sole purpose of deception."

Originally the charlatan was one who circulated about the country, making false pretensions to extraordinary ability and miraculous cures; but he is now located in the larger cities, and is the most dangerous and insinuating of all medical impostors. You will find his name in the cheapest daily papers.

Name, did I say? No, never.

Of all the charlatans advertising in the papers of this city there is but one who has not advertised under an a.s.sumed name. This is _prima facie_ evidence of imposition. Take up the daily paper,--the cheapest print is the one that the rabble patronize, a curse to any city,--and run your eye over the "_Medical Column_." Of the scores of this cla.s.s advertising therein none dare publish his real name. There is one impudent fellow, who, while he a.s.sumes respectability, and under his true name, has an up-town office, and obtains something bordering on an honorable practice, runs the vilest sort of business, under an a.s.sumed name, on a public thoroughfare down town.

These fellows usually advertise, "Advice Free." This is not on the modest principle, that, having no brains, they are scrupulous in not charging for what they cannot give, however; but this is to get the unsuspecting into their dens, for they are shrewd enough to perceive that whatever is "free"

the rabble will run after.

[Ill.u.s.tration: CONVINCING EVIDENCE OF INSOLVENCY.]

When once the victim is within the web, flattering, intimidations, and extravagant promises, one or all, generally will accomplish their aim. As they never expect to see a special victim again, they squeeze the last dollar from the unfortunate wretch, giving therefor nothing--worse than nothing! I sent a pretended patient to one of these charlatans not long since, and, with crocodile tears in his eyes, he related his case to the _soi-disant_ doctor, who with great sympathy heard his case, and a.s.sured him it was "heart-rending, and, though very dangerous, he could cure him;"

but the knave compelled the patient (!) to turn his pockets inside out to a.s.sure him they contained but the proffered dollar. A small vial of diluted spirits nitre was the prescription, for which the doctor a.s.sured the patient he usually received twenty to forty dollars!

I have visited several of these places in disguise, including those of female doctors, and those advertising as "midwives," every one of whom agreed to perform a criminal operation upon the mythical lady for whom I was pretending to intercede. Their prices ranged from five to two hundred dollars.

The following painfully ludicrous scene I copy from ma.n.u.script notes which I made some years ago, respecting a visit to one of these impostors. I vouch for its truthfulness.

"I next bought a penny paper of a loud-mouthed urchin on the street corner, and, reading it that evening, the words 'Medical Notice' attracted my attention. It was all news to me, and I resolved to visit this 'very celebrated' doctor on the following day, 'advice free.'

"Accordingly I repaired to his office, as designated in the advertis.e.m.e.nt.

There were several doors wonderfully near each other, about which were several doctors' signs conspicuously displayed; and, since I had heard that 'two of a trade seldom agree,' I thought it remarkable that three or four of a profession should here be huddled together.

"'STEP IN THE ENTRY AND RING THE BELL,' I read on a sign, in big yellow letters. I did so, when a big burly Irishman answered the summons.

"'An' who'll yeze like to see, sure?' he inquired, with a broad grin.

"'Dr. A.,' I replied, eying this Cerberus with awakening suspicion.

"'He's just in, sure. Come, follow me.'

"He led the way across a small room, and through a darkened hall, around which I cast a suspicious glance, noticing, among other things unusual, that the part.i.tions did not reach the ceiling. Thence we entered another room, which, from the roundabout way we had approached, I thought must be opposite the outer door of Dr. B.'s or Dr. C.'s office.

"Here Pat left me, saying, 'The ixcillint doctor will be to see yeze ferninst he gits through wid the gintleman who was before your honor.'

[Ill.u.s.tration: "AN' WHO'LL YEZE LIKE TO SEE, SURE?"]

"I took a look about the room. The part.i.tions on two sides were temporary.

On one side of the apartment stood an old mahogany secretary. Through the dingy gla.s.s doors I took a peep. The shelves contained several volumes of 'Patent Office Reports,' odd numbers of an old London magazine, and such like useless works. On the walls were a few soiled cheap anatomical plates, such as you will see in 'galleries' or 'museums' fitted up by quack doctors, to intimidate the beholder. I could look no farther, as the door opened, and a man entered, who, looking nervously around, at once asked my business.

"'Are you Dr. A.?' I asked.

"'I am. Please be seated. You are sick--very sick,' he said hurriedly, and in a manner intended to frighten me.

"Five minutes' conversation satisfied us both--him that I had no money, and me that he had no skill. After vainly endeavoring to extort from me my present address, he unceremoniously showed me out.

"As I closed the door I looked to the name and number, and, as I had antic.i.p.ated, found myself at Dr. B.'s entrance.

"Turning up my coat collar, and tying a large colored silk handkerchief over the lower part of my face, I knocked at the third door, Dr C.'s.

"The same Irishman thrust out his uncombed head and unwashed face; the same words in the same vernacular language followed.

"'I wish to see Dr. C.,' I replied, changing my voice slightly.

"'He's in, jist. It never rains but it pours. Himself it is that has a bully crowd of patients the day; but coome in.'

"He did not recognize me--that was certain; so I followed, and was led through a labyrinth of rooms and halls, as before, and ushered into a small room, where the polite and loquacious Pat offered me a chair, and giving the right earlock a pull and his left foot a slip back, he said, with his broadest grin and most murderous English,--

"'I'll be shpaking the doctor to come to yeze at once intirely.'

"'But he has others with whom he is engaged, you said but a moment ago.'

"'Ah, yeze niver mind. Theyze ben't gintlemen like yerself, if yeze do come disguised;' and with a '_whist_' he tip-toed across the room, applied his ear to the keyhole of the door a moment, and returned in the same manner.

"'It's all right; now I'll go for the doctor;' but still he lingered.