The Funny Philosophers Part 41

"Not to conduct them to the altar."

"What, then?"

"To unravel the great mystery which is now agitating the minds of the entire population of this town, and more especially of the female portion."

"What is that?"

"Who was the bare-headed rider on the Woolly Horse? Toney, can you tell?

If I do not discover this secret, what will become of me when I return to my boarding-house where the five respectable maiden ladies are waiting to receive the information, which I have solemnly promised to obtain and impart? Toney, do you know who was the man on the Woolly Horse?"

"I do not."

"Have you been to the Widow Wild's house since the apparition dashed through the street on yesterday?"

"I was at the widow's house last night."

"What did you discover?"

"Nothing?"

"Did you allude to M. T. Pate?"

"I did."

"What did the widow say?"

"She said he was a very smart lawyer, and then changed the topic of conversation."

"That woman is a mystery I cannot solve. She will drive me mad! But what did Rosabel say when Pate's name was mentioned?"

"She and her cousin, the widow's niece, t.i.ttered."

"Well?"

"The widow sharply rebuked them for their levity."

"What then?"

"The young ladies attempted to smother themselves."

"How?"

"By holding their handkerchiefs to their mouths."

"Did they succeed?"

"They did not. The attempt was a failure. There were explosions of laughter, and the young ladies jumped up and ran from the room. I saw them no more that night, but I heard from an adjoining room loud shrieks----"

"What! shrieks? Nothing serious, I hope?"

"Shrieks of laughter."

"And you have discovered nothing?"

"Nothing."

"Toney, what am I to do? I cannot return to my boarding-house, and look those five respectable maiden ladies in their faces, and say I know nothing."

"Have you seen Mrs. Foot?"

"No."

"Let us go to her house."

"Why should we go there?"

"It is the headquarters of all the female gossips in the town."

"Then we will go. It is the place for information. Who is Mrs. Foot?"

"The mother of the three tall young ladies whom you have seen escorted by Love, Dove, and Bliss."

"The giraffes in petticoats? What are their names?"

"Cleopatra, Theodosia, and Sophonisba."

"They are very tall women with very long names. Which of them was carrying little Love hooked to her arm?"

"That was Cleopatra."

"And the one who was looking down so benignly on Dove?"

"Theodosia."

"And Sophonisba had secured Bliss. Toney, I seldom vaticinate, but I now predict that those three little men will marry those three stupendous sisters."

"That would be against the rules of the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts, of which order Love, Dove, and Bliss are active and useful members."

"When a very little man," said the Professor, not heeding Toney's last observation, "comes in daily contact with a woman of gigantic proportions, a marriage is inevitable."

"How do you account for such a phenomenon?"

"Upon very obvious principles. A little man like Bliss, promenading with a giantess like Sophonisba, looks up to her when he speaks, and his numerous soft and tender expressions ascend like prayers addressed to some superior being above him. Sophonisba looks down and beholds poor little Bliss walking by her side like a motherless lamb needing protection. A feeling of pity takes possession of her bosom, and pity is nearly akin to love."

"The big woman first pities the little man, and then loves him?"

"That is just it. Did you ever see a very large woman married to a man of similar proportions?"

"Indeed, I have. Mrs. Foot is as tall as Sophonisba, and much more robust. Her husband, Gideon Foot, looks like Winfield Scott; while her son, who is called Hercules, stands six feet seven in his stockings."