The Funny Philosophers Part 39

"Then, gentlemen, go before the jury," said the judge.

The remarks of the Commonwealth's attorney, which were very brief, are not remembered; but a portion of Mr. Pate's great argument has been retained in the memory of men in a fine state of preservation. He spoke as follows:

"May it please your Honor, and gentlemen of the jury,--No advocate ever rose to address a Christian jury under so many and such tremendous disadvantages as now encompa.s.s me and my unfortunate but innocent and virtuous client. The prisoner is unjustly and falsely accused of stealing the Widow Wild's hog; and that ruthless woman is here to-day with a heart of flint in her bosom, and with all the influence which the wealth she has grasped and retained with the harpy hand of avarice enables her to exert,--she is here to-day not to prosecute, but to persecute, to calumniate, to crush, and to ruin this poor, unfriended, innocent, and unoffending African.

"There is another disadvantage under which my client labors. In the language of a great Roman poet, _hic est niger_, and while men of the Caucasian race are tried by their peers, that sacred right is withheld from Sam, simply because he is an African, although it is possible, and even probable, that he has royal blood in his veins as one of the descendants of the heroic kings of Timbuctoo. Has not Sam the right to be tried by his peers? and who in that jury-box can be considered as the peer of Sam?

"Gentlemen of the jury, I am aware of the tremendous peril which now environs my client; and I know that my zeal in behalf of this unhappy criminal has made me many enemies; but, in the eloquent language of that venerable patriot and signer of our glorious Declaration of Independence, old John Adams, 'Sink or swim, live or die, survive or perish,' I give my heart and my voice in defense of Sam.

"Did not the great Cicero defy public opinion when he stood before Pompey in defense of Milo, who had been indicted for the murder of the unprincipled Clodius? Did not the celebrated William H. Seward brave public prejudice when he boldly defended the negro Freeman, who had murdered six or seven white men and women in a single night? And shall I hesitate to risk my popularity by defending this innocent African who has stolen the Widow Wild's hog?

"Gentlemen, may my right hand wither, and my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth, when I am afraid to lift my voice to advocate the cause of my innocent and calumniated client.

"Gentlemen, Luther Martin was one of the greatest lawyers in America, and did he not say, in his celebrated speech in defense of Aaron Burr, that 'the law presumes every man to be innocent until he is proved to be guilty?' And where is the proof of guilt in this case? Do they expect you to believe the testimony of Simon Rump? Who is Simon Rump? A miserable and deluded man, who sees a thousand things which never had any existence except in his disordered imagination. Rump swore on that stand that he had never seen a psychological illusion.

"Gentlemen, I watched his countenance when he made that statement under oath, and I observed his lip quiver and his cheek turn pale, for Simon Rump knew that he was swearing to an unmitigated falsehood. Did he not on a recent occasion mistake a hickory stick for a snake? and afterwards use it as a telescope, and said that he beheld the capitol at Washington? Did he not publicly kiss the Widow Wild's black cook on both cheeks, believing her to be a beautiful young lady of Caucasian complexion? Why, gentlemen, Rump's disordered brain is a perfect machine-shop for the manufacture of psychological illusions, which are projected as he walks abroad during the day, or sits in the chimney corner smoking his pipe in the evening. The brain of this unhappy man projected a hobgoblin as he wandered about in the dark in the rear of his barn; and could it not just as easily have projected a hog? Why, gentlemen, the disordered brain of Simon Rump is capable of projecting an elephant or a rhinoceros! And could it not, then, have projected the pitiful porker which he alleged he saw in the possession of Sam?

"Gentlemen of the jury, Simon Rump never saw either Sam or the hog on the occasion referred to in his testimony; he only saw a phantom created by his diseased mental organization; and when this miserable man reproduces the illusive images projected from his disordered cranium, for the purpose of convicting my unfortunate client, each one of you should exclaim, in the language of the immortal William Shakspeare:

'Hence, horrible shadow!

Unreal mockery, hence!'

"Gentlemen of the jury, had this honorable court permitted me to examine the learned Professor Boneskull, I could have easily proved by him that the guilt of Sam is a natural impossibility. This was the very Gibraltar of our defense, and it has been partially demolished by the court. But, gentlemen, although you have not the testimony of Professor Boneskull before you, the prisoner himself is seated in full view, and you can certainly rely upon the evidence of your own senses, which, according to Greenleaf, affords the strongest kind of proof. I entreat you to look upon the goodly countenance of my client and to scrutinize closely his phrenological developments. The organ of alimentiveness is remarkably diminutive. Is it not, then, a natural impossibility that Sam should have so enormous an appet.i.te that he would seek to devour a whole hog?

His organ of acquisitiveness is still smaller, and he could not covet nor desire another man's property; while his immense development of conscientiousness renders it impossible for him to steal.

"Gentlemen, the b.u.mps clearly demonstrate that the guilt of the prisoner is a natural impossibility. Nature herself cries aloud that he is innocent. Sam--Sam--I say--Sam!" Here Mr. Pate commenced pulling vigorously at the drawer in the table before him, while Sam, who was dozing in the prisoners' dock, suddenly started up and exclaimed, in a loud voice, "Sir!"--at which the bailiffs called out, "Silence!

Silence!" and the judge rapped with his gavel.

Bad luck had been watching the eloquent advocate from the moment he commenced his argument, and the ugly demon now pounced upon him as he stood, in antic.i.p.ation of his triumph, on the ramparts of his Gibraltar.

His oration had been written on half-sheets of paper, which, with two law-books, he had put in a drawer of the table, intending to take out a few sheets at a time in the order in which he might want to use them.

When the speaker had concluded the last sentence as above, he put his hand to the drawer to get the next sheet of ma.n.u.script for the purpose of refreshing his memory; but how great was his horror on finding the drawer closed in such manner that he could not open it! By some awkward arrangement of the books one of them had opened, and was acting as a lock to prevent the drawer from being pulled out.

Mr. Pate pulled vigorously at the drawer, but in vain; at the same time repeating, in hysterical tones, the words, "Gentlemen of the jury,"--"Gentlemen of the jury." He was then heard to exclaim, in a sort of soliloquy, "Gracious heavens! Sam will be sent to the penitentiary unless I can get that drawer open!" Here he gave another tremendous tug at the drawer, and saying, "Gentlemen of the jury,"--"Gentlemen of the jury,"--"A natural impossibility!" sank back in his seat with his face bathed in a profuse perspiration.

The attention of the jury and spectators was attracted by the strange conduct of the speaker, and a general peal of laughter broke forth as soon as they perceived his awkward dilemma. These demonstrations of mirth, which the court could not wholly repress, so increased the agitation of poor Pate, that he sprang up and rushed from the court-room like a man on a wild hunt after his wits.

"He has suddenly seen a psychological illusion," said a pitiless limb of the law in a loud whisper.

"No," said Toney Belton, "he has gone for a locksmith to open the drawer, and will soon return and conclude his argument."

But the eloquent advocate never came back to conclude his powerful appeal in behalf of Sam, who was convicted by the jury and sentenced by the court to confinement in the penitentiary for the term of two years and six months.

CHAPTER x.x.x.

"There are persons so peculiarly const.i.tuted as to suppose that all the inhabitants of the terrestrial globe have their minds occupied with thoughts of them," said Toney to the Professor.

"And that all the people of the planets are peeping through telescopes and making critical observations on their actions," said the Professor.

"The unfortunate M. T. Pate must have been in some such mental condition after his lamentable break down in court."

"What has become of him? I have not seen him for a whole month."

"During several weeks he remained in seclusion, and manufactured an immense amount of melancholy for home consumption. His stock being finally exhausted he came forth into the world again."

"To discover that the world was occupied with its own affairs and thinking very little about him?"

"Yes; some were engaged in making money; some in making mischief----"

"And Tom Seddon in making love with indefatigable industry----"

"While the earth revolved on her axis as if nothing extraordinary had ever occurred in the court-room."

"What is Pate now doing?"

"He has become a collecting lawyer."

"What is that?"

"An attorney who, for a moderate commission, rides over the country collecting money for his clients."

"A dun? Why, yonder comes Pate now on his old white horse!"

"Good-morning, Mr. Pate," said Toney, as the lawyer rode up.

"Are you riding far to-day?"

"Only to the Widow Wild's residence. I have a claim to collect for Mr.

Clement. Good-morning, gentlemen." And Pate rode on.

"Did he say he was going to the Widow Wild's residence?" asked the Professor.

"Yes; to dun her for a debt."

"If my ident.i.ty was merged in that of M. T. Pate, I would be afraid to venture within a hundred yards of the widow's house."

"Why?"

"I sat by her side in the court-room, and heard her declaration of war against M. T. Pate."

"He denounced her terribly in his speech to the jury."

"And she denounced him terribly in her speech to me."