The Funny Philosophers Part 2

"For a man to let a woman see that he is dead in love with her. 'What careth she for hearts when once possessed?' Not a fig, Tom! not a fig.

Carry your love about you like a concealed weapon. Don't let her know anything about it until you pop the question. Pop it at her when she don't expect it, and she will fall into your arms as if she had received a pistol-shot,--

Do proper homage to thine idol's eyes, But not too humbly, or she will despise Thee and thy suit, though told in moving tropes,

and, turning her back on you, as Imogen has done now on Harry Vincent, will walk off on the arm of some fellow like Sam Perch."

"Sam Perch? Do you mean the tall youth with a freckled face and a head of hair so fiery red that it looks like a small edition of a burning bush? What a remarkable head!"

"It is a celebrated head. There was once a lawsuit about that head, and I was counsel for the defendant."

"A lawsuit about the young man's head?"

"Yes, a very extraordinary forensic controversy, which attracted much attention, and in which I established my professional reputation by defeating my distinguished friend M. T. Pate, who appeared as the plaintiff's counsel."

"Toney, do you pretend to tell me that anybody ever went to law about that fellow's head? How did such a suit originate?"

"Why, you must know, Tom, that there is a curious tale attached to that young man's head."

"So there is to the head of a Chinaman."

"No punning on people's cocoanuts, Mr. Seddon! But hear the history of this very remarkable lawsuit. On a cold evening in December, Perch was in a certain house in Mapleton, making himself agreeable to some young ladies, when they commenced t.i.ttering to such a degree that he was at first highly flattered, supposing that their merriment was produced by his numerous attempts at witticisms. At length these demonstrations of mirth became uncontrollable, and Perch, glancing at a large mirror opposite, was suddenly struck dumb with confusion."

"At the image of his handsome self?"

"A mischief-loving young girl had taken her station behind him and was holding her hands over his red head, and rubbing them, as if she were enjoying the warmth of a blazing fire."

"It would hardly be necessary to invoke the aid of imagination for that purpose. This room begins to feel hotter with that fellow's red head carried about in it like a brasier of live coals. But go on."

"Perch was horrified at the revelations of the mirror. He rushed from the house in a fit of desperation."

"To put his burning bush under a pump?"

"Thoroughly disgusted with his red hair, he consulted a barber, who undertook, for an adequate pecuniary consideration, to impart to it a sable hue, by the application of certain dyes. Perch left the shop with a fine suit of black hair, as glossy as the plumage on the bosom of a raven; but in the afternoon of the following day the color was suddenly and mysteriously changed to a pea-green. He was on a promenade at the time, and, not being aware of this sudden and remarkable metamorphosis, he encountered the same young ladies and escorted them home. But when he entered the house and laid aside his hat, his head looked very much like an early York cabbage. Self-control was out of the question. The mirth of the young maidens was so immoderate that they almost went into convulsions, and the graceful and accomplished youth hurried away, boiling with indignation. Upon consulting his mirror, he perceived his dreadful condition. He pa.s.sed a sleepless night in intense agony. Next day he barricaded his door and was not to be seen. He remained for a whole week in solitary confinement, brooding over his misfortune. The unhappy youth finally became hypochondriacal, and you know that while in this condition the mind is often under the dominion of sad and unaccountable illusions."

"I am aware of that. Our housekeeper once imagined she was a teapot, and sat for a whole day with one arm akimbo, as the handle, and the other projected from her person to represent the spout. She gave a vast deal of trouble, and was continually admonishing the servants not to come near her lest they might upset her and break her to pieces. And only last winter old Crabstick got a strange notion in his head that he was a dog. One day, when I called to see Ida, he got down on all fours and barked obstreperously, and bit Scipio, his negro man, on the calf of his leg. I had to leave the house in a hurry to escape from his canine ferocity."

"The illusion of Perch was equally as extraordinary. After brooding over his misfortune for a whole week, he imagined he was a donkey."

"Imagined he was a donkey?"

"Yes; a monstrous donkey."

"Was it all imagination, Toney?"

"Be that as it may; I know that he created much annoyance among the neighbors; for he commenced braying in a most extraordinary manner. His friends gathered around him and endeavored to reason him out of his unhappy delusion, but all to no purpose, for he had got the idea in his head that he was a prodigious jacka.s.s, and the more they talked to him the more loudly he would bray. He refused his natural food, and demanded to be led to the stable, that he might have a manger, and be fed on provender suitable for animals of the asinine species. The doctors had much trouble with him, and tried various remedies without any apparent good result. They finally determined to drench him with strong brandy, and the potency of this fluid soon restored him to a more happy condition of body and mind. He recovered, and sent for the distinguished lawyer, M. T. Pate, and by his advice brought suit against the barber, laying the damages at one thousand dollars."

"For what?"

"For injury done to the young man's head. The barber was dreadfully frightened at the prospect of a ruinous litigation, and solicited my professional services. M. T. Pate exerted himself to the utmost, and, in a carefully prepared and eloquent speech, endeavored to demonstrate to the jury how great an injury had been done to his client's head; at the same time denouncing the author of the outrage in terms of unmeasured vituperation. But his efforts were of no avail, for I was prepared with the proof, and had put more than a dozen witnesses on the stand, all of whom swore that the young man looked much better with his head of a pea-green color than he did when it was of a fiery red. In consequence of this testimony the jury came to the conclusion that the plaintiff had sustained no injury and was ent.i.tled to no damages. They rendered a verdict in favor of the defendant, and M. T. Pate's client not only had to pay the costs of the suit, but went by the name of the 'LONG GREEN BOY' ever afterwards."

"Mr. Belton, I am exceedingly glad to see you," said a tall, raw-boned man, with a keen, dark eye, a Roman nose, and a swarthy visage.

"Mr. Seddon," said Toney, "let me introduce you to Captain Bragg, a famous traveler, who has seen more of this terrestrial globe than we have ever read of."

Seddon shook hands with the distinguished cosmopolite, and remarked that the weather was extremely hot.

"Hot!" said Bragg. "My dear sir, do you call it hot? You should have been with me when I was once invited by her Majesty the Queen of Madagascar to a royal feast. As we sat at table under an awning, huge pieces of the most delicious beef were served up, which had been roasted by being exposed to the vertical rays of a tropical sun. That was what I would call hot weather, Mr. Seddon. But, by the powers of mud! what is that?"

A loud noise and trampling of feet were heard in the hall. The door flew open, and women shrieked and men stood aghast, as a horrible apparition entered the ball-room. It seemed like an ugly demon with two heads. The monster rushed among the dancers, howling and screeching, and creating the most extraordinary confusion. Ladies, with loud cries, clung to their partners for protection, as with unearthly yells the two-headed monster rushed around. All seemed to lose presence of mind except Toney Belton, who tripped up the heels of the hideous intruder, and it fell on the floor. Then was witnessed a fearful conflict. While the women scampered away, and ran screaming through the hall, the men gathered around, and soon recognized the belligerents. It was Ned Botts, engaged in a hand-to-hand encounter with a gigantic and ferocious monkey belonging to Captain Bragg. The creature had escaped from confinement and had perched itself on the stairway in the hall. As Botts, after having enjoyed a mint-julep, was returning from the refreshment-room, it sprang upon his shoulders and seized him by the hair. Terrible was the combat between Botts and the monkey. Each made the most ugly grimaces and exhibited the most deadly ferocity. Botts grappled his antagonist by the throat, and the fight would have ended in a tragedy had not Bragg interfered.

Maddened with pa.s.sion, Botts sprang to his feet and put himself in a boxing att.i.tude, whereupon Bragg knocked him down. The gentlemen present now interposed, and Botts was carried off, loudly vociferating, and swearing vengeance against Bragg and his monkey.

CHAPTER III.

The excitement occasioned by the terrific combat in the ball-room was intense. On the following morning groups of anxious persons were discussing the probability of a duel between Bragg and Botts. There had been an interchange not only of harsh language but of blows between these gentlemen, and it was the general opinion that a hostile meeting was inevitable. Toney and Tom were sitting in the room of the former, puffing their cigars, and conversing about the events of the preceding evening, when there was a knock at the door, followed by the entry of a gentleman whose countenance indicated that he was troubled by very great mental anxiety.

"Good-morning, Mr. Pate. Let me introduce you to my friend Mr. Seddon."

The two gentlemen shook hands, and Seddon made some meteorological observation, which was unheeded by Pate, who nervously turned to Toney, and said,--

"Mr. Belton, I have called to see you about a matter of great importance,--I might say an affair of life or death."

"Indeed, Mr. Pate! To what have you reference?"

"I refer, sir, to the unfortunate affair between our friend Mr. Botts and--and----"

"The monkey?"

"Just so, sir. I am afraid that the--the--the difficulty will end in--in bloodshed, sir. I apprehend that Mr. Botts is about to send a challenge to--to--to----"

"The monkey? Why, Mr. Pate, the animal will not accept it if he does."

"I don't mean to the monkey, sir; I mean to Captain Bragg."

"Oh, that alters the case. The captain is a fighting man."

"Yes, sir; and Mr. Botts is determined on a b.l.o.o.d.y issue. He has been with Wiggins the whole morning, and I know that he has penned a challenge."

"Well, my dear sir, what can I do to prevent the issue which you apprehend?"

"Bragg will apply to you to act as his second. Could you not persuade him to apologize?"