The First Man Part 11

CURTIS--Yes, it's horrible. I've told myself that a million times.

[With emphasis.] But it's true!

BIGELOW--[Severely.] Shut up! You're not yourself. Come, think for a moment. What would Martha feel if she heard you going on this way?

Why--it would kill her!

CURTIS--[With a sobbing groan.] Oh, I know, I know! [After a pause.]

She read it in my eyes. Yes, it's horrible, but when I saw her there suffering so frightfully--I couldn't keep it out of my eyes. I tried to force it back--for her sake--but I couldn't. I was holding her hands and her eyes searched mine with such a longing question in them--and she read only my hatred there, not my love for her. And she screamed and seemed to try to push me away. I wanted to kneel down and pray for forgiveness--to tell her it was only my love for her--that I couldn't help it. And then the doctors told me to leave--and now the door is locked against me--[He sobs.]

BIGELOW--[Greatly moved.] This is only your d.a.m.ned imagination. They put you out because you were in their way, that's all. And as for Martha, she was probably suffering so much--

CURTIS--No. She read it in my eyes. I saw that look in hers--of horror--horror of me!

BIGELOW--[Gruffly.] You're raving, d.a.m.n it!

CURTIS--[Unheeding.] It came home to her then--the undeniable truth.

[With a groan.] Isn't it fiendish that I should be the one to add to her torture--in spite of myself--in spite of all my will to conceal it!

She will never forgive me, never! And how can I forgive myself?

BIGELOW--[Distractedly.] For G.o.d's sake, don't think about it! It's absurd--ridiculous!

CURTIS--[Growing more calm--in a tone of obsession.] She's guessed it ever since that day when we quarreled--her birthday. Oh, you can have no idea of the misery there has been in our lives since then. You haven't seen or guessed the reason. No one has. It has been--the thought of IT.

BIGELOW--Curt!

CURTIS--[Unheeding.] For years we had welded our lives together so that we two were sufficient, each to each. There was no room for a third.

And it was a fine, free life we had made--a life of new worlds, of discovery, of knowledge invaluable to mankind. Isn't such a life worth all the sacrifice it must entail?

BIGELOW--But that life was your life, Curt--

CURTIS--[Vehemently.] No, it was her life, too--her work as well as mine. She had made the life, our life--the work, our work. Had she the right to repudiate what she had built because she suddenly has a fancy for a home, children, a miserable ease! I had thought I was her home, her children. I had tried to make my life worthy of being that to her.

And I had failed. I was not enough.

BIGELOW--Curt!

CURTIS--Oh, I tried to become reconciled. I tried my d.a.m.nedest. I tried to love this child as I had loved those that died. But I couldn't. And so, this being estranged us. We loved as intensely as ever but IT pushed us apart. I grew to dread the idea of this intruder. She saw this in me. I denied it--but she knew. There was something in each of us the other grew to hate. And still we loved as never before, perhaps, for we grew to pity each other's helplessness.

BIGELOW--Curt! Are you sure you ought to tell anyone this?

CURTIS--[Waving his remark aside.] One day, when I was trying to imagine myself without her, and finding nothing but hopelessness--yet knowing I must go--a thought suddenly struck me--a horrible but fascinating possibility that had never occurred to me before. [With feverish intensity.] Can you guess what it was?

BIGELOW--No. And I think you've done enough morbid raving, if you ask me.

CURTIS--The thought that came to me was that if a certain thing happened, Martha could still go with me. And I knew, if it did happen, that she would want to go, that she would fling herself into the spirit of our work to forget, that she would be mine more than ever.

BIGELOW--[Afraid to believe the obvious answer.] Curt!

CURTIS--Yes. My thought was that the child might be born dead.

BIGELOW--[Repelled--sternly.] d.a.m.n it, man, do you know what you're saying? [Relentingly.] No, Curt, old boy, do stop talking. If you don't I'll send for a doctor, d.a.m.ned if I won't. That talk belongs in an asylum. G.o.d, man, can't you realize this is your child--yours as well as hers?

CURTIS--I've tried. I cannot. There is some inexorable force in me--

BIGELOW--[Coldly.] Do you realize how contemptible this confession makes you out? [Angrily.] Why, if you had one trace of human kindness in you--one bit of unselfish love for your wife--one particle of pity for her suffering--

CURTIS--[Anguished.] I have--all the love and pity in the world for her! That's why I can't help hating--the cause of her suffering.

BIGELOW--Have you never thought that you might repay Martha for giving up all her life to you by devoting the rest of yours to her?

CURTIS--[Bitterly.] She can be happy without me. She will have this child--to take my place. [Intensely.] You think I would not give up my work for her? But I would! I will stay here--do anything she wishes--if only we can make a new beginning again--together--ALONE!

BIGELOW--[Agitated.] Curt, for G.o.d's sake, don't return to that! Why, good G.o.d, man--even now--while you're speaking--don't you realize what may be happening? And you can talk as if you were wishing--

CURTIS--[Fiercely.] I can't help but wish it!

BIGELOW--[Distractedly.] For the love of G.o.d, if you have such thoughts, keep them to yourself. I won't listen! You make me despise life!

CURTIS--And would you have me love life? [The door in the rear is opened and JAYSON enters, pale and unnerved. A succession of quick, piercing shrieks is heard before he can close the door behind him.

Shuddering.] My G.o.d! My G.o.d! [With a fierce cry.]

Will--this--never--end!

JAYSON--[Tremblingly.] Sh-h-h, they say this is the crisis. [Puts his arm around CURT.] Bear up, my boy, it will soon be over now. [He sits down in the chair BIGELOW has vacated, pointedly ignoring the latter.

The door is opened again and EMILY, ESTHER, JOHN and SHEFFIELD file in quickly as if escaping from the cries of the woman upstairs. They are all greatly agitated. CURT groans, pressing his clenched fists against his ears. The two women sit on the lounge. MARK comes forward and stands by JAYSON'S chair, JOHN sits by the door as before. BIGELOW retreats behind CURT's chair, aware of their hostility. There is a long pause.]

ESTHER--[Suddenly.] She has stopped--[They all listen.]

JAYSON--[Huskily.] Thank G.o.d, it's over at last. [The door is opened and MRS. DAVIDSON enters. The old lady is radiant, weeping tears of joy.]

MRS. DAVIDSON--[Calls out exultantly between sobs.] A son, Curt--a son.

[With rapt fervor--falling on her knees.] Let us all give thanks to G.o.d!

CURTIS--[In a horrible cry of rage and anguish.] No! No! You lie! [They all cry out in fright and amazement: "CURT!" The door is opened and the NURSE appears.]

NURSE--[Looking at CURTIS, in a low voice.] Mr. Jayson, your wife is asking for you.

BIGELOW--[Promptly slapping CURT on the back.] There! What did I tell you? Run, you chump!

CURTIS--[With a gasp of joy.] Martha! Darling, I'm coming--[He rushes out after the NURSE.]

BIGELOW--[Comes forward to get his hat and coat from the sofa--coldly.]

Pardon me, please. [They shrink away from him.]

EMILY--[As he goes to the door--cuttingly.] Some people seem to have no sense of decency!

BIGELOW--[Stung, stops at the door and looks from one to the other of them--bitingly.] No, I quite agree with you. [He goes out, shutting the door. They all gasp angrily.]

JOHN--Scoundrel!

JAYSON--[Testily--going to MRS. D., who is still on her knees praying.]