The Family Man Part 17

"All of what?"

Her answer is an eloquent twirl of her wrist: you, me, this counterfeit date.

"Doesn't she look beautiful?" Todd tries.

Leif's complexion and scalp go red.

"Let the record show an affirmative response," says Thalia.

"Thalia tells us you're going to Per Se," says Henry. "Have you been there before?"

"No. Someone else picked it."

"Someone with good taste and pull" Todd says.

"I'm starved," says Thalia. "All I had all day was tea and Oreos."

"I wish I'd known that," says Henry.

"He'd have roasted you a leg of lamb," says Todd.

"Shall we go?" asks Thalia.

"It might rain later," says Henry.

"The driver has a big umbrella with my logo on it," says Leif, pointing to the mummy on his chest.

"All set," says Thalia. She kisses Henry, then Todd, who whispers, "Reapply the gloss after every course."

"And definitely do the wine pairings," says Henry.

Leif says, "They told me to do that. And Thalia's getting the Kobe beef because that's what they told the papers in advance."

"Interesting what they think the public wants to know," says Henry.

"Bye, my people," Thalia says. "You go do something fun, too."

"We'll close up here," says Henry. "Do you have your key?" Thalia snaps open her silver-spangled evening purse and says, "Check."

Leif nods stiffly to each. Clearly for their benefit, Thalia follows him to the door with unbent knees and robotic arms-Mrs. Frankenstein heading out for a night on the town.

Street Sense wins the Derby, which they replay and watch again. Todd wonders aloud if the winning horse knows he crossed the finish line first and feels some equine version of jubilation.

"He must-all the hoopla, the hugging and kissing. The blanket of roses. I wasn't raised around horses, but they're supposed to have emotions. Did you read Seabiscuit?"

Todd says, "Loved the movie. And what do I remember most? When he rejected the goat who was supposed to be his best buddy and tossed him out of the barn. I wanted Seabiscuit to have a companion, even if the rest of the world wanted him to settle down with a nice mare."

On the screen the delirious owner is hugging Street Sense's trainer. It seems as good a juncture as any for Henry to slip his arm around Todd's shoulder. "It happened in real life, too," says Henry, "by which I mean in the book, just with a little less drama. Biscuit picks the goat up with his teeth and drops him over the door to his stall."

Todd covers the hand resting on his shoulder. "Look at us: two shy boys at the movies."

Henry points the remote and mutes the color commentary. The cable box reads 8:40. "They're well into it," he says. "I wonder how it's going."

"He seemed startled," Todd says. "What do you think that was about?"

"The way she looked, like a million bucks. He'd only seen her in rags."

"He turned purple!"

"I think it's safe to say he's never been out with a girl like Thalia."

"Or any girl."

"Debunked that," says Henry. "According to Thalia, he had a bona fide affair with the acting teacher who set this whole thing in motion."

"A woman?"

"Definitely. Sally, hyphenated name. She confessed when Thalia asked the question, 'Am I being hired as a beard?'"

"It's not that I picked up a vibe. It was just that he looked a little panicked when he saw the two of us."

"It wasn't us. It was the shock of seeing Thalia looking magnificent. And there we were, taking notes, figuratively, witness to the fact that he can't get a girl on his own. Most humiliating, I'm sure."

Todd answers in a lifeless monotone, "Hullo, sir. Hullo, other sir. Thalia, you look hot."

"I know: awful. Imagine being his mother or father. It must be a little heartbreaking to have a child turn out so unappealing."

"You are a dear man," Todd says. "If I had any disposable income to speak of, I'd march you over to Per Se myself."

Henry shuts off the television. "There are other options," he says.

"Of course! I wasn't hinting. Pizza's fine. Or that noodle joint on Columbus."

"What I meant," says Henry, "was other options. And then dinner."

"Finally" says Todd.

Each has read in Time Out New York that there's a place serving great burgers in the West Seventies, but neither remembers which block. Todd narrates as they walk west, checking posted menus outside the neighborhood's seedier taverns, "If they were shooting a romantic comedy about us, this is where we'd see a montage of us engaging in fun-filled couple things: Rollerblading in the park, waiting in line for a foreign film, walking a herd of dogs and getting tangled up in the leashes."

"Signifying...?"

"The awkward phase is over. No more Will they or won't they? Everything's good. We'll thank our matchmaker in the credits."

"'With grateful thanks to Denise Krouch, who matched us up on the basis of this one's gay and so's this one.'"

"Let's call her," says Todd. "C'mon. Let's see if she wants to meet us for a burger. Maybe she knows the name of the joint we're looking for."

"On the west side of Manhattan? Not a chance." He stops them at the next curb to avoid a delivery man on a bike who is ignoring the red light. Henry says, "Now that she knows I found Thalia-she's calling it 'getting custody,' by the way-it would be one long third degree. She'd be relentless, and I'm a bad liar. If she asked where Thalia was tonight, I'd have to make up a story."

"Couldn't you just say, 'The subject of Thalia is off-limits'? That way you're not lying. You're just setting ground rules."

"Maybe another time, but not tonight," says Henry. "Especially not tonight."

"Have I mentioned that she ends every message with 'Say hi to Henry for me'? And don't you find it sweet that in her own De-nisean way she's happy for us?"

"She's happy for herself. She wants full credit and a standing ovation, which I find a little patronizing, actually."

Todd has stopped in the middle of the block and is no longer smiling.

Henry does not have to ask, Is something wrong? "If anyone else had introduced us I'd be sending orchids," he says.

"Good," says Todd. "I feel better. Thank you. This is where I'd kiss you if you were a guy who tolerated public displays of affection."

Henry smiles. "That's the other guy, the one playing me in the movie."

"A tour de force," says Todd. "I think he's going to win a Golden Globe."

They move on, agreeing that a peek at the new Zagat might help. En route to a magazine kiosk, Henry says quietly, "I quit therapy last week after twenty-five years. And a day later I kicked Denise off my property. Some of us think that's progress."

"Believe me, I get it. It's hard to thank that little goat for anything. But you're holding all the cards: Not only are you and Thalia reunited, but you're a team. She's crazy about you, you know."

"We are a team, aren't we?" Henry says.

"So let's review: Spent entire life with her mother? Not speaking and estranged. Missed several decades with allegedly unfit father? Bosom buddies and trusted allies. You win! I think your ex-therapist would agree that Denise is no threat to you or to-"

Their cell phones ring almost simultaneously. Both men check the caller ID, and both take a sharp breath. It is Krouch, D calling for Todd, and Krouch, T calling for Henry.

20. Closets Galore.

TODD IGNORES DENISE'S CALL, as Henry answers Thalia's with a terse, "What's wrong?"

"Not a thing. I'm calling with an update for my team."

"From?"

"A toilet stall."

"You sound funny."

"I'm relining my lips. Almost finished. Is that better?"

"Everything okay so far?"

"Not horrible. We're talking. He seems to have memorized a short list of conversation starters."

Henry pauses to brief Todd. "She says so far, so good. She's calling from the ladies' room."

Thalia says, "I'd better get back out there, but here's the headline: Leif suggests that after a month or two we should announce I'm pregnant."

"Over my dead body," says Henry.

"What?" Todd asks. "What did she say?"

"I hope you told him in no uncertain terms-"

"I said, 'Oh, really? And then what-I wear a prosthesis? Or do I disappear for a few months and resurface holding a lifelike baby doll named Leif Junior?' Puh-leez. I told him I never signed on for that, and better luck with the next girlfriend-smiling the whole time, of course."

"What's he's trying to pull?" Todd demands. "Is everything okay?"

"I didn't call to upset you," says Thalia. "I thought this was funny, or at least good gossip. I'd better get back before he thinks I crawled out the window."

"You know what I'd tell him? The truth. That you found his request alarming and a breach of contract, and you felt it was necessary to call your lawyer, who is appalled at the mere suggestion of a pregnancy."

"No way," cries Todd. "I'm appalled, too. A pregnancy. What's next? A s.e.x tape?"

"Pregnancy rumor" corrects Thalia. "Big difference."

"I don't care how many starlets are having out-of-wedlock babies. It takes some nerve to propose that on a first date."

"Guys! It was just floated out there. I dealt with it. It might even have been a joke-hard to tell with him. Are you two having fun?"

Henry switches ears, collects himself. "We are. We watched the Derby, and now we're off in search of dinner."

"Leif's allergic to mushroom spores," says Thalia. "He told the maitre d' before we were even shown to our table. And then, of course, he confided same to our waiter, who was very gracious and rea.s.suring."

Henry hears new female voices. Thalia is no longer alone. "Let's review," she instructs Henry. "They can watch the whole movie, but then right to bed, lights out, no reading, no dillydallying. And tomorrow? Mommy will make Belgian waffles for breakfast with her new waffle iron."

"She's bored to death," Henry tells Todd.

They walk seven blocks to Chirping Chicken, where they order two deluxe burgers and one order of onion rings.

When they're seated, plastic cutlery and skimpy napkins in place, matching peach iced teas in hand, Todd says, "Why do I sense you're not an habitue of joints recommended under 'Cheap Eats'?"

"It's fine. I like it here. And if it's good, I'll get a half chicken delivered some night. Sweet potato fries sound delicious. I was tempted."

Todd asks, minus his usual gusto, "Would a whole roast chicken at my house some Friday night hold any interest?"

"Friday night? As in Shabbat dinner? You do that?"

"Not wholeheartedly."

Henry leans in, squints diagnostically. "I'd say yes, I'd love to-except for the look I'm getting."