The Ex-Boyfriend's Handbook Part 44

I nod towards the paper. 'Anything interesting?'

Natasha looks up and notices my healthy lunch.

'Apparently Dunkin' Donuts are about to issue a profit warning.'

'Ha ha. Very funny.'

'Edward,' she says, folding the paper and slipping it into her briefcase. 'I've got something to tell you. About last night.'

'Really?' I say.

'Yes. Your friend Dan and I. Well, we...'

I'm not quite sure how much detail Natasha's about to go into, and as far as I'm concerned, any detail is too much. I hold up my hand to stop her.

'I know.'

She looks a little confused. 'How do you know?'

'One of the places Sam and I looked for you was in the pool.'

'Ah.' For only the second time in nearly ten years, but not the first time this afternoon, I enjoy the sight of Natasha turning scarlet. 'Well, anyway, he's just asked me out.'

'What?' Dan? Phoning a woman to ask her out after he's had s.e.x with her? I try and hide my surprise, but fail miserably. 'On a date?'

'No, Edward. For a fight. Of course on a date.'

'Oh. Right. Are you going to go?'

'I'm not sure. What do you think I should do?' says Natasha, anxiously. 'I mean, he's quite a bit younger than me.'

'Hmm. Toy boy or not toy boy. That is the question.'

'Exactly. I mean, I like my men with a few lines. And I don't mean of the "chat up" variety.'

'Natasha, I can't advise you on this. He's my best friend, and you're my boss.'

Natasha smiles. 'Business partner. As of yesterday.'

'Yes, sorry. Business partner. But what do you want me to say-that you and Dan are perfect for each other? Or that you should run a mile, otherwise you'll only end up getting hurt again? Because, let's face it, it doesn't matter what I, or indeed anyone else, thinks.'

Natasha nods. 'You're right. I need to suck it and see.'

'I beg your pardon?'

'Sorry,' says Natasha. 'Perhaps not the most appropriate a.n.a.logy. But it's something we used to say as kids.'

'Do I really want to know?'

'No, Edward. Nothing like that. It's when you're trying to guess the flavour of a boiled sweet, or you want to avoid the coffee-centred Revel in favour of the orange one.'

'Huh?'

'You may think you can tell what something's going to be like from the outside, but the only way to really find out is to...'

'Stick it in your mouth and try it?'

'Exactly,' says Natasha. 'Suck it and see.'

7.32 p.m.

I'm in the Admiral Jim with Dan, sipping what is, I hope, the last sparkling water I'll ever have to drink.

'So,' he asks, shifting nervously in his chair. 'What do you think? Did she say anything about me?'

'Well, her exact words were...' I stop myself, remembering last night's Jacuzzi scene a little too vividly. 'I think, to use language you can understand, she'd be "up for it".'

'Great.' Dan looks visibly relieved. I, on the other hand, don't quite know what to make of either his puppy-dog appearance, or the fact that he's asking me for advice about women. 'And she doesn't think the age difference is a problem?'

'Nah. She knows you're into antiques. But just be careful,' I tell him. 'She's not like your usual conquests.'

'I know that,' says Dan. 'Which is why I want to take it slow. Get to know her first.'

'Take it slow? The two of you were naked in a Jacuzzi within four hours of first meeting each other. Oh, hold on. That probably is a bit slow for you, isn't it?'

Dan grins guiltily. 'Maybe. Anyway. Speaking of important dates...'

I pretend to be confused for a moment, until Dan taps his laptop. 'Oh-you must mean tomorrow?'

'Look at you, Mr Cool. Do you want to do this or not?'

'Sorry. Yes,' I say. 'Please.'

'OK. Weight?' he says, tabbing through the spreadsheet.

I look at my watch. 'How long for?'

'No. How heavy are you now?'

'Twelve stone six.'

'Check. Trousers?'

'Check trousers?'

'No, dummy. Check, as in, well, checked. Off the list.'

'Ah. Sorry.'

'So. Trousers?'

'Yes. Got a pair on. Trendy combats.'

'No, I mean, waist?'

'What's a waste?'

Dan looks up in exasperation. 'Will you take this seriously, please?'

'Sorry. Thirty-four.'

'Check.'

'Can you stop saying check.'

'Sorry. Clothes?'

'Sorted.'

'Hair?'

'Cut. Styled.'

'Teeth?'

'White.'

'Smoking?'

'Thanks very much!'

'Gla.s.ses?'

I finish off my water. 'Empty.'

'Very funny. Car, flat...' Dan scans through the rest of the list, then clicks the laptop shut. 'I think we're finished.'

'Thank Christ for that. Can I have a proper drink now?'

Dan takes a sip of his beer. 'Not till tomorrow.'

'Spoilsport.'

'It's for your own good. So what's your plan?'

'My plan? Plan for what?'

'For when Jane gets back tomorrow?'

'Well, I haven't really thought about it.'

Dan slaps his forehead with his palm. 'Jesus. You've done all this work and you haven't even thought about what you're going to do when you see her again, or rather, when she sees you. "Be prepared", remember.'

'I didn't know you were in the Scouts.'

'I wasn't,' says Dan. 'I was in a few Guides, though. But I can't believe you haven't...'

'Of course I've thought about it, Dan. I've been thinking about very little else for the past few months.'

'So?'

'Well, I thought I'd go and surprise her at the airport.'

'Obviously,' says Dan. 'In the new car?'

'No, I thought I'd walk. Of course in the new car.'

'And then?'

'Maybe offer her a lift back home?'

Dan shakes his head. 'But it's not her home, is it? It's your home. She left it when she left you. This isn't just about you impressing her so she comes back.'

'It isn't?'

'Nope. You've got to make her feel that she's maybe got to impress you too. Otherwise...'

'Otherwise what?'

'Otherwise what's to stop her doing this all again?'

'What are you talking about?'

Dan puts his beer down. 'It's all about who has the power.'

'What do you mean?'

'In a relationship. The person who cares the least has all the power.'

'I still don't understand.'

'Well, say you were going out with someone.'

'I was. Am. And will be, come tomorrow, hopefully.'

'And she decided to leave you.'

'She already did.'