The Ex-Boyfriend's Handbook Part 10

6.52 p.m.

Not surprisingly, Dan's choice of venue for me being 'out and about' is the Admiral Jim. On the way there, I give him a run down of Sally's appraisal, which makes me feel even more depressed.

'You see,' says Dan. 'That's your problem. You always focus on the negatives.'

'Dan, my girlfriend's left me, I'm overweight, gone to pot, and my career is going nowhere fast. I'd say the only things I've got to focus on are negatives.'

'All I'm saying is, look on the bright side.'

'Your cheerful optimism is going to get you killed. There isn't a bright side.'

'There's always a bright side. You just need to look for it. Then concentrate on the positives.'

'Jesus, Dan. You're not about to break into song, are you? What positives?'

'Well, for one thing, because your girlfriend's left you, it means you've got your flat to yourself.'

'Brilliant. Just me rattling around at home, all the time thinking that something's wrong because Jane's not there. Next?'

'Well, you can eat what you want. No having to think about Jane's strange foodie requests.'

'Except that I can't because I'm on a diet. Next?'

'Well...' Dan scratches his head. 'You're free to date other women.'

'Except they don't give me the time of day. And besides, it's Jane I want to date.'

'Okay, how about this. You can fart in bed.'

'Always used to. Don't think Jane noticed.'

'Yeah, right,' calls Wendy, from behind the bar.

'You can stay up as late as you like.'

'Which would be exciting if I was five years old.'

'You're not making this easy for me, are you?'

'Dan, some people's lives aren't all roses and please themselves. I've gone through a traumatic experience-one that I'm going to have to work extremely hard to remedy. It's an ordeal that I'm going to have to suffer in the hope of a payoff at the end, which therefore doesn't mean that I'm likely to enjoy it. Any of it, in fact.'

Dan sighs. 'All right, have it your own way. I'm just trying to cheer you up.'

'Yes, well, sometimes people don't want to be cheered up. They want to feel miserable. In some ways it's easier if I do. At least then I've got something to keep me motivated.'

Dan shrugs. 'Fair enough. Only trying to help.'

'And you are helping, mate. And I do appreciate it. Just try not to be so b.l.o.o.d.y cheerful all the time.'

'Sorry,' says Dan, putting on a miserable face. And for the first time today I manage to crack a smile.

Wednesday 19th January.

8.55 a.m.

I don't feel much better this morning, despite Dan's valiant attempt to lighten my mood, and I'm still in a pretty lousy frame of mind by the time I leave for work. As I turn into Ship Street, I spot Billy asleep in his doorway-despite the fact that he's snoring loudly, he's still managing to hold onto his can of Special Brew. By his feet, he's fashioned a blanket into a receptacle for change, so I drop the one pound fifty I'd 'made' at Victoria into it.

Billy starts awake, and spots the money immediately. He puts down his beer and, still a little groggy, tries to hand me another copy of the Issue. When I wave him away, he looks up at me suspiciously.

'Well, wha.s.sat for, then?'

I peer back at him, noting how relatively smartly he's dressed, the fact that he's obviously managed to shave some time in the last couple of days, and how he's still taking as much pride as he can in his appearance, despite his situation. Given what happened to me yesterday, and his and my respective circ.u.mstances, I feel more than a little ashamed of myself.

'Inspiration.'

Billy circles his index finger next to his temple. 'You need help,' he says, taking a long swig from his can. 'Professional help.'

And it's at that moment that I realize Billy's a genius.

7.03 p.m.

We're in the Admiral Jim, where Dan is staring curiously at me across the table. 'What on earth are you looking so pleased about?'

'I know what I need to do to get Jane back.'

Dan raises one eyebrow. 'Oh yes?'

'I've seen an advert. In the local paper.'

'Steady on, mate,' Dan cautions. 'Those p.e.n.i.s-lengthening pills don't work.'

'And you know that how, exactly?'

Dan shifts uncomfortably in his seat. 'Never mind. I thought it was you we were talking about. What advert?'

I remove the Argus from my briefcase and open it to where I've marked the appropriate page. 'Here.'

Dan s.n.a.t.c.hes it from me. '"Life Coach." What on earth is a life coach?'

I grab the paper back from him. 'You know, someone to talk things over with. Discuss my goals, my motivation. My focus. Help me find my path.'

'b.o.l.l.o.c.ks,' snorts Dan. 'Life coaches are for losers with no mates who don't live near a pub. How much is he charging?'

I scan quickly through the advert. 'Fifty pounds an hour.'

Dan nearly drops his wine gla.s.s. 'Fifty quid? Do you know how many drinks that is?'

Dan's brow furrows as he tries to work out the relatively simple sum of fifty divided by two point five. I put him out of his misery.

'Twenty, Dan.'

'Exactly. Twenty. We could sit here, sort out your little problem, get absolutely p.i.s.sed, and have enough left over for a doner kebab with extra chilli sauce from Abra-kebabra on the way home.' He nods approvingly towards my gla.s.s of water and salad sandwich. 'Well, I could, anyway.'

'Yeah, but this guy's a professional.'

Dan looks indignant. 'Professional con-artist, more like. What can he possibly tell you that I can't?'

When I don't answer him immediately, Dan takes my silence as agreement. In actual fact, I'm just trying to work out where to start.

'Well...'

'Exactly. Lose weight, smarten yourself up, before you know it Jane will be back in your flat and flat on her back.' He holds out his hand. 'Fifty quid please.'

'I'm not sure it's quite as simple as that.'

Dan laughs. 'What could be more simple? Jane left you because you'd let yourself go. Well, get a grip. It's not rocket science.'

'But how?'

'I'll help you.'

'What. Like with the exercise?'

'Yes, well, I've been thinking about that. I'm afraid you're too far gone down that road for me to be of any use. You need to get yourself a trainer.'

'I've got two. You were there when I bought them.'

'A personal trainer, dummy. But the rest of the stuff-how to act, how to dress, how to talk to women-they're my specialist subjects.'

'You think?'

Dan nods. 'You don't need to be wasting your hard-earned on some touchy-feely sandal-wearing vegan tree-hugger when in reality there're lots of better things you could be spending it on.' He downs the remainder of his Chardonnay. 'Another drink for your best friend, for example.'

7.22 p.m.

We're sitting at the bar, where Wendy is showing us an article she's read in the Daily Mail's 'Femail' section.

"'Health-check your relationship"?' scoffs Dan. 'I can already tell you that Edward's is so ill that it's in need of major surgery. Liposuction, for example.'

'Shut up, Dan. Go on, Wendy.'

'Well, apparently, you've got to ask yourself a few simple questions,' she says. 'Firstly, are you happy in the relationship? Secondly, how does your partner enhance your life? Thirdly, if this person suddenly vanished from your life, how would you feel? Fourthly, where in your relationship league does this person sit? And lastly, how balanced is the relationship?'

'Okay,' I say. 'Fire away.'

'Right. So let's look at these from Jane's point of view. Was she happy?'

'Obviously not.'

'If you could let me answer them please, Dan?'

'Sorry. Go on.'

'Well, Edward?'

'Um...obviously not.'

'How do you think she felt you enhanced her life?'

'Er...Well, can I come back to that one?'

'If you suddenly vanished from...'

'Well, I have, haven't I, and she's the one who instigated the vanishing, so I guess not so bad.'

'Where in her relationship league table would you be?'

'At the top, I guess. Based on length.'

'And how balanced would you say the relationship was?'

'Fairly. We split everything down the middle.'

'Everything?' asks Wendy. 'Like the cooking? Cleaning? Driving? s.e.x?'

'Well, apart from those things. Financially, I mean.'

'Okay. Right, let's turn those questions around. Were you happy?'

'Yes!'

'How did she enhance your life?'

'Just by being there.'

'If she suddenly...'

'I think we all know the answer to that one.'

'Where in your relationship league table would she be?'

'That's a league with very few teams in it,' interrupts Dan.

'Shut up, Dan. Wendy, I appreciate your input, but how is this helping, exactly?'