The Etiquette of To-day Part 23

A carriage is always provided for the clergyman, and he is ent.i.tled to a fee, although clergymen do not charge it, either at a home or church funeral. If the service is held at a church, the s.e.xton, organist and singers,--and the singers at a home funeral as well,--are ent.i.tled to recompense for their services.

Carriages are sent for the pallbearers, and are also provided to convey the family, and as many of the friends as may be invited to go, to the cemetery.

One may announce in the newspaper "Burial private," in which case it is understood that only the family attend at the grave; or "No flowers" if the family wish the usual sending of flowers dispensed with.

The clergyman usually consults the wishes of the family as to the form of service, the hymns or music, and remarks. The funeral service should be brief, and preferably a ritual service with no sermon or eulogy. The last are usually harrowing to the feelings of the mourners, and there should be every reasonable effort made to relieve the tension of the occasion, for the sake of the living.

At a church funeral the pallbearers sit in the first pews at the left of the center aisle; the family in those to the right. At a home funeral it is customary to have the family in some secluded room near the one where the coffin is placed and to have the clergyman stand in the hall between, or at the entrance of the drawing-room, where he may be readily heard by all.

If the service at the grave immediately follows the funeral the house should meanwhile be aired, the shades lifted, the flowers all sent away to some hospital, and the rooms arranged in the usual way.

Before a funeral at the home, it is necessary for some member of the family to receive the relatives from the distance, and the very intimate friends, and see that they are given necessary refreshment, and their return to trains, if they must leave immediately after the funeral, thoroughly understood by the hackmen.

At a home funeral the singers should be somewhat distant from the family, so that the music is not loud.

The members of the family are dressed in hats and veils ready to enter the carriages, before the service. They pa.s.s to view the body,--if, according to a former custom, the casket is left open,--last of all, and enter the last carriage before that of the pallbearers, which immediately precedes the hea.r.s.e.

In sending flowers to a funeral, one's card is enclosed. There should be no slightest sense of obligation in the sending of flowers, and each piece should represent only real sympathy or respect.

The putting on of black garments as a sign that one has lost a near relative has been much modified by the good sense of the people, and the period of mourning shortened, especially in England. In stating the accepted mourning custom, the moderate observance of it has been given, both extremes being ignored.

c.r.a.pe is the quality of goods most closely allied with mourning. Black dresses trimmed with black c.r.a.pe are usually worn for the first few months by women who have lost a near relative. The black veil worn by widows is now of moderate length, and usually not of the very thick material which was once in vogue. A ruche of white is now placed just inside the bonnet, which relieves the black effect somewhat. Black furs and sealskins are worn with mourning.

The English fashion of six months of the deepest mourning and six months of secondary is meeting with more and more approval in this country, although for a close relative a year is the first period and six months the second.

One who is in mourning does not appear in society for the first six months; after that it is permissible to attend a concert or musical, but not the theater or a reception while severe mourning is worn.

During the mourning period, black-bordered stationery is used. The border on paper and envelopes is usually three-eighths of an inch for a close relative and half that for a more distant one, or during the secondary period of mourning, if one cares to make the change. The personal visiting card has a black border during this time.

The handkerchief is bordered with narrow black, or is of narrow-bordered, plain, sheer linen.

For relatives-in-law it is not customary to put on black, although for a father- or mother-in-law it is customary, in the best society, to dress nearly as for an own father or mother.

A widower wears a complete suit of black, white linen, dull-black silk neckties, dull-black leather shoes, black gloves, and a black ribbon of broader width upon his hat.

The mourning band sewed upon the coat sleeve is a discredited form of mourning. It does not denote the nearness of the loss, and has only the virtue of cheapness for those who cannot afford to show marked respect to the dead.

Men do not observe the custom of withdrawing from society for as long a time as do the women, but usually reappear at the homes of intimate friends, at public places of entertainment, and at the club after two or three months. As long as the mourning band is worn upon the hat, however, no man should attend large and fashionable functions, as dinner or dancing parties, or the theater.

After six months a woman may resume calling, returning the calls of those who called upon her in the early weeks of her bereavement.

Children of fifteen years of age and under should not wear mourning.

The viewing of the body of the deceased as it lies in the casket is the privilege of only the family and the immediate friends, and should not be requested by others. Therefore, the casket is now usually closed before the funeral service, especially if that be at a church.

In case of a man in public office, it is sometimes necessary that the body should lie in state for certain hours, when the public may pay their respects.

Punctuality is very necessary in regard to everything connected with a funeral service, as the overwrought nerves of those who are sorrowing should not be taxed to bear any extra tension.

Within ten days after the funeral, a card of thanks for sympathy should be sent to all who have called upon the family or sent flowers or offered their services in any way.

When one is in mourning, one does not attend a wedding reception, though one may be present at the ceremony. Black should not be worn.

Mourners announce their return to society by sending out their cards to friends and acquaintances.

CHAPTER XV

MILITARY, NAVAL, AND FLAG ETIQUETTE

THE social usage in respect to military or naval officers follows ordinarily the customs of formal occasions or occasions of state in civilian life, or is provided for in the instructions of the army and the navy, which the members of those two departments of the service would alone be expected to know. There are, however, one or two occasions where the etiquette of social life is, or may be, modified by the formalities due to these representatives of the Government.

_The Formal Military Wedding_

The church or formal home wedding where the bridegroom and his attendants are all army men, may have the distinctive feature of the arch of swords or bayonets. The bridegroom and the ushers, in that case, are all in full dress uniform. The bride and bridesmaids are dressed daintily and fluffily to afford contrast. The church should be decorated with palms and lilies, and with the national and the regimental flags in the chancel. As the organist begins the wedding-march, two color-bearers of the regiment, carrying one the national flag and the other the regimental colors, precede the bridegroom and the best man from the vestry. The latter take their usual places, and the color-bearers move to a position at either side of the chancel steps. After the ceremony, they move to the head of the aisle, and the ushers form a line to the foot of the chancel steps.

The ushers then put on their caps, unsheathe their swords, or raise their bayonets, and form an arch with them. Under this arch pa.s.s the bride and bridegroom, and the bridesmaids. Then, sheathing their swords and removing their caps, the ushers fall into line at the end of the procession.

_Naval and Yachting Usage_

When one is the guest of the owners or the officers of a yacht, or of the officers of a government warship or other large vessel, it is well to know that in the lading of the gig for reaching and leaving the ship, the order of precedence is always as follows: Juniors in rank or official importance enter the gig first, and the one highest in rank immediately precedes the Captain, who is always the last to embark and the first to disembark. In leaving the gig, the order is reversed from that on entering it, the junior in rank thus being the last to leave the boat.

_The Etiquette of the Flag_

The flag is displayed every day only on government buildings and schoolhouses. On state holidays, and like commemorative days when it is customary for the flag to be displayed on private buildings, it should be raised at sunrise and lowered at sunset. It should not be displayed on stormy days, nor left out over night. It should never be allowed to touch the ground. When it is to be displayed at half-mast only, it should be raised to the tip of the staff and then lowered halfway. It should never be festooned or draped, but always be hung flat.

On Memorial Day, May 30, the flag should be displayed at half-mast until twelve o'clock noon, and then raised to the top of the staff until sunset. The salute for the changing of the position of the flag at all army posts and stations having artillery, is as follows: immediately before noon, the band plays some appropriate air, and at the stroke of twelve the national salute of twenty-one guns is fired.

After this the flag is hoisted to the peak of the staff, while everybody stands at attention, with hand raised to the forehead ready for the salute. When the colors reach the top, the salute is given, and the band plays patriotic airs.

The salute to the flag is used at its formal raising, and when it pa.s.ses on parade or in review. The hand salute according to the regulations of the United States Army is as follows:

"Standing at attention, raise the right hand to the forehead over the right eye, palm downward, fingers extended and close together, arm at an angle of forty-five degrees. Move hand outward about a foot, with a quick motion then drop to the side. When the colors are pa.s.sing on parade or in review, the spectator should, if walking, halt, if sitting, arise, and stand at attention and uncover."

In schools two forms of salute are taught. The first, for primary children, is: "We give our heads and our hearts to G.o.d and our country; one country, one land, one flag." The second, for all other pupils, is: "I pledge allegiance to my flag and to the Republic for which it stands: one nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

When the flag is carried on parade, it is dipped in salute to the official who is reviewing the parade. Whenever the flag is displayed with other flags,--whether the colors of a regiment or other military organization, or of alien nations,--it should be placed, or carried, or crossed, at the right of the other flag or flags. When portrayed in ill.u.s.trations by any process or for any purpose, it is so pictured that the staff will always be at the left and the fabric will float to the right.

The chief regulations governing the composition of the flag are as follows: In the _field_ of the flag there should be thirteen horizontal stripes, alternating red and white, the first and the last stripes red. These stripes represent the thirteen original colonies.

The colors red and white were chosen by George Washington, the red from the flag of England, the Mother Country, broken by the white, symbolizing liberty, to show the separation. The _union_ of the flag--white stars on a field of blue--should be seven stripes high, and about seven-tenths of the height of the flag in length. "The stars should have five points, with one point directly upward."[A] The stars symbolize the States. "By an act of Congress on October 26, 1912, the flag now has forty-eight stars, arranged in six horizontal rows of eight each."

THE END