The Englishman from Paris Part 2

_Chairman._ By your leave, set down.

_Lady Betty._ (_Comes out_) What can that rude canaille mean by making a Rendezvous there to derange People of Condition? I could almost fancy the Captain of the Ship has made a Mistake, and landed me at the Cape of Good Hope among the Hottentots.

But where's Madamoiselle Harriet, where's Madamoiselle? (_Exit_)

_Chairman._ (_Rubbing his face_) The Devil set fire to her French airs. I've carried her all the way to Grosvenor Square, and there down Burlington Gardens, and then to St. James's Place--and then here again, a man had better be a Horse nor a chairman at this rate.

Come, take out there, Paddy, we'll go and have a sup of the Craitur.

(_Exeunt_)

_Sideboard._ What did that Lady come over with your Master, Roger?

_Roger._ Yes, and we had such a do with her--but don't you remember her? Why that's she a Squire Wildfire was in love with--by the by, I met Squire Wildfire and Squire Foxchase. I told un Master was come, and they were main glad, and said they'd come and see un. (_Exeunt_)

(_Scene_: JACK BROUGHTON'S _Apartment.

French Servants setting the Toilette_)

_Florid._ Ridicule being the Test of Truth, Monsieur Abbe, if it brings into your Mind the motley Livery of incongruous Appearances; I fancy your account of us when you publish your Remarks on the English Nation, will strike Foreigners with a gay contempt.

_Abbe._ Monsieur, vous avez raison--but your Pupil--whence is it gone?

_Florid._ Just stept out to speak with Roger, he'll be here again instantaneously--I think between us both Monsieur Abbe, we have made him a pretty Gentleman.

_Abbe._ Ah! Pour ca oui--I have given him notion how to live, I have teach him a tousand leetle agrements--and den I have make him widout Prejudices--qu'il na pas de prejuge.

_Florid._ There Monsieur l'Abbe, I have been chiefly Instrumental--I have exploded all his former Notions made him acquainted with Plastic Nature and have wandered with him in academic Groves.

(_Enter_ JACK BROUGHTON)

_Jack._ Jarnie! Ventribleu! Que la preste m'etouffe--never tell me Man--furies! Death and Rage! What! All my things siez'd upon at the Custom House. I shall make my address to the Comptroller of the Finances or the Fermiers Generaux--I'll commence a Proces Verbal--Florid, did you ever hear of such a thing? Monsieur Abbe ayez pitie de moi--my Embroideries, my Laces, my Silks, my Pompons for the Ladies, all siez'd by the unmannerly Brutes--

_Abbe._ You call dis Liberty and Property, I tink in dis country.

_Jack._ Liberty and Property! Robbery and Arbitrary Powers to strip a Gentleman at this rate! But rot 'em, they have been making Piracies upon us for several Months past.

_Abbe._ Mais, ne vous derangez pas, Monsieur.

_Jack._ Non, mon cher Abbe Millamour--I'll not derange myself about it.

_Abbe._ Ecoutez mon cher Enfant--you must be toujours gai; and if par hazard, you are met en colere you must swear wid an air--que la peste m'etouffe--ca ne vaut rien. But I give you a Book of Oats made by a Swiss Officer, improve by an English Captain of Marine and finish by a Gascon Abbe, who lose all his Money at Trick-track.

_Jack._ Mon cher Abbe, you are too good.

_Florid._ And I shall dedicate you a System of the most refin'd and true Philosophy--it is partly from the French, and I call it the Theory of Agreeable Sensations.

_Jack._ That will give me a reputation for the Belles Lettres; but come, let me see if my arrival is mentioned dans les Affiches--le voila. "Yesterday arriv'd at his Father Sir Robert Broughton's John Broughton, Esq. from his Travels abroad, and we hear that a treaty of Marriage is on foot, and will speedily be consumated between him and Miss Harriet Quicksett, a beautiful young Lady and an Heiress." Pardie! C'est bien suprenant; do my dear Florid, order my vis-a-vis, that I may go abroad and contradict this Rumor.

Matrimony is too plain a dish, and what I believe I shall never sit down to--I possibly may go to an Ordinary, but that will only be for a Smack and away--at least if I ever should take up with it, I shall be sure to have it better season'd to my Palate, than mon cher Pere intends. My dear Abbe, I have brought you to a strange country.

_Abbe._ Pardie! Ver strange indeed! I have see for the times a good deal. I have dine yesterday at a caffee--I know not what you call--Monsieur D'Eschallot bring me dare. Monsieur D'Eschallot, I a.s.sure you is ver prett Gentleman, and leave two tousand livres devant, avec droit de cha.s.se, behind him--avec droit de cha.s.se Monsieur; but by Gar I never see such dinner in all my Life.

"How do you do?--Very well tank you--What news?--Noting at all--My service to you, to you, to you, to you" all de way down, and ma foi, dey talk no more. And den, jarnie! Me was ver much surprise to see my own Countrymen as unmannerly as de English--and I scramble for de Soup and boulli--me was 'fraid to put my hand to de dish, for fear amidst all de Knife and Fork, somebody in a hurry help himself to my fingers.

_Jack._ O this Country is enough to ruin the manners of an Angel.

_Abbe._ And den I was at de play last night, Otello I tink was de play--by Gar he vas in ver great Pa.s.sion because he loose his Handkercher--such play! It is one of Shakespeare I tink--

_Jack._ O le Barbare! Voltaire you know calls him a Drunken Savage--un Savage enyoree!

_Abbe._ But by Gar me vas ver much please to see so many naked Shoulder in de Box, and ma foi, to see some of the Ladies paint as much by Gar as if dey be in Paris. But Monsieur de Broughton tink upon vat I say to you about des Airs, des facons, and de manieres--you have already ver pretty French Manners--you have de turn of de Head, de movement of de Shoulder, de geste, de Look, de Inflexion de Voix; and pon my vor, you take snuff, you smile, you whisper, comme a la cour de France.

_Jack._ Oh you flatter me--I wish I could obtain an Act of Parliament to unnaturalize myself.

_Abbe._ Laisez moi faire, I make you in ver leetle time so dat n.o.body know you, you have ver good Naturel; vous avez les graces en partage Monsieur you have ver much grace, and den you must never tink, never plodd--no Embarras about Sense. Il faut voltiger Monsieur--fly about from one ting to an uder, talk ill of your Acquaintance, you must have your leetle Bagatelle, your leetle Persiflage. An so now I go make my memorandum of vat I see in dis country.

(_Enter_ ST. LOUIS)

_St. Louis._ Two coachmen below Stair want to speak vid you Sir.

_Jack._ Coachmen! Why you know I'm provided, but it's rumour'd about I'm arriv'd and the fellows are ambitious of being in my Service, that they may see me give myself airs--let 'em come up. My dear Abbe, you can't be too severe in your Remarks on the English Nation.

_Abbe._ Laisez moi faire--I now go make my memorandum. Let me see--de man dat preach to de Butcher every Sunday--yesterday an Englishman hang himself, but dat is noting new. De preacher at Moorfields--de Robin Hood Society--de dissertation at Macklin's Room--de Mob at de Executions--'twill do ver well, and so Monsieur de Broughton au revoir. Il faut voltiger Monsieur. (_Sings_)

Sans L'amour et sans ses charmes, Tout languit dans l'univers. (_Exit_)

(_Enter_ WILDFIRE _and_ FOXCHASE)

_Wildfire._ Ha! My Boy Jack! Give us your hand you queer Son of a b.i.t.c.h.

_Foxchase._ How dost my Boy? I'm glad to see thee.

_Jack._ Pardie voila la mode d'Angleterre! St. Louis, did you not say that two coachmen wanted to speak with me?

_St. Louis._ Pardonnez moi, Monsieur--me no know dat Gentlemen dress like coachman in dis Country.

_Jack._ Let Roger attend the Door for the future--I'll keep him as a Valet de place.

_Wildfire._ Ram my Eyes, the same comical Son of a b.i.t.c.h he ever was--mimicking the French--Scoundrels. Come speak to me, or I'll have you in the Mark.

_Jack._ I thought, Sir, the bruising Amphithea[t]re had been shut up--but your English Gazettes are always telling abominable Lyes.

_Wildfire._ Come, my Boy, how do you do?

_Jack._ Pardie! Voila toujours, how do you do?

_Wildfire._ Well, but Jack, did you see Buck in Paris?

_Jack._ Who, Sir?

_Foxchase._ Buck.

_Jack._ I know very little of the Gentleman, Sir. I saw him once where I happened to be upon a Visit, and mentioned that I should come over and shew the advantages of Travel, and display to all our Beaux and pretty Gentlemen, an Englishman return'd from Paris; and so whip and Spur, away he set out, that he might make the first Impression, and I hear in his Empressment his Post-chaise broke down on the road.