The Doll Part 13

Then it just shows how sensitive I was I jumped up and ran round to her and put my arms about her, and I said, 'If anything ever happened to you and Father, I should die!'

That was all. Nothing more. Then I smiled, and wiped my eyes, and said, 'I'm going to wait on you for a change. I'll get the supper.' And I wouldn't hear of Mother helping me; I was determined to show how useful I could be.

That night my father came and sat on my bed and told me about the job he had been offered in Australia, and how if he went it would mean leaving me behind for the first year, while he and Mother got settled in and found a home for the three of us. I didn't attempt to cry or make any sort of fuss. I just nodded my head and said, 'You've got to do what you think is best. You mustn't consider me.'

'That's all very well,' he answered, 'but we can't go off and leave you at boarding school unless we are quite satisfied you're going to be happy, and that you'll make the best of it with your Aunt Madge.' This was his sister, who lived in London.

'Of course I'll make the best of it,' I said. 'And I'll soon get used to being on my own. It may be a bit hard at first, because Aunt Madge has never cared twopence for me, and I know she has heaps of friends and likes going out in the evenings, which will mean I shall be left in that draughty old house by myself. Still, I can write to you and Mother every day during the holidays, and then I shan't feel so cut off, and at school I shall be working so hard there won't be time to think.'

I remember he looked a bit upset poor old Father, he was sensitive like me and he said, 'What makes you say that about your aunt?'

'Nothing definite,' I told him. 'It's just her manner and the way she's always been down on me. But don't let it worry you. I suppose I can take my own little possessions and have them in my bedroom there? It would mean a link with all the things I love.'

He got up and walked about the room. Then he said, 'It's not absolutely settled, you know. I've promised the firm I'll think it over.'

I wasn't going to show him I minded, so I lay back in bed and hid my face in the blanket and said, 'If you really and truly think you and Mother will be happy in Australia, you've got to go.'

I was peeping over the blanket and I can see his expression now. His face was all puckered up and distressed, which made me quite certain that, if he did go to Australia, it would be a big mistake.

The next morning my cold was worse, and Mother tried to make me stay in bed, but I insisted on getting up and going off to school as usual.

'I can't go on making a fuss about a silly cold,' I told her. 'I've got to harden up, in future, and try to forget how you and Father have spoilt me. Aunt Madge will think me an awful nuisance if I expect to stay in bed whenever I have a cold. What with London fogs, and so on, I shall probably have a cold the whole winter, so I may as well become used to it.' And I laughed cheerfully, so as not to worry her, and teased her too, and said how lovely it would be for her in the warm sunshine of Australia, while I was sitting alone in the bedroom of Aunt Madge's London house.

'You know we'd take you with us if we could,' said Mother. 'But it's the fare, for one thing, and not being quite certain what we shall find when we get there.'

'I know,' I said. 'That's what's worrying Father, isn't it, the uncertainty of it, going to a life he doesn't know, and cutting himself off from all his old ties here.'

'Did he tell you that?' Mother asked me.

'No, but I could feel it,' I said. 'It's a wrench, and he won't admit it.'

Father had already left for the office, so we were alone, Mother and I. The maid was busy with the bedrooms upstairs, and I was stuffing my school things into my satchel.

'I thought he seemed so happy about it all,' said Mother. 'He was really excited when we first discussed the plan.'

'Well, you know best,' I said, 'but Father's always been like that, hasn't he? Wild over something at first, and then he cools off when it's too late, like the time he bought that motor mower and you had to go without a winter coat. It would be terrible if you got out there and he found he didn't settle happily after all.'

'Yes,' said Mother, 'yes, I know . . . I admit I wasn't enthusiastic myself at first, but he talked me round.'

It was time for me to catch the bus to school, so I didn't discuss it any more, but to show how much I sympathised I hugged her very hard, and said, 'I do hope so much you're going to be happy and that you'll enjoy the business of hunting for a house and running it all yourself. You'll miss Florence at first' Florence was our maid, she'd been with us a long time 'and I know it's hard to find help in Australia. One of the mistresses at school is an Australian, and it's a great place for young people but not for the middle-aged, according to her. But then, that will be part of the excitement, won't it, being a pioneer, and living rough.'

I blew my nose again, because of the wretched cold, and left her to finish her breakfast, but I could see she wasn't all that happy about Australia, not deep down.

Well, the long and the short of it was, they never went in the end. I don't know to this day why it was, but I think it must have been because they both depended on me so much that they couldn't bear to part with me, even for a year.

It's a funny thing, but after that time, after the Australia plan was shelved, I mean, Father and Mother seemed to drift apart, and Father began to lose interest in life, and in his work, too. He used to nag at Mother, and Mother would nag at him, and I found myself acting the part of peacemaker. Father took to staying out in the evening, at his club, so he said, and often I remember Mother would say to me with a sigh, 'Your father's late again. I wonder what's kept him tonight?'

I would look up from my homework and say just to tease, you know 'You shouldn't have married a man younger than yourself. He likes young company, that's what it is, and he finds it with those girls in the office, not all that older than I am myself.'

Mother didn't make the best of herself, it was true. She was such a home bird, always in and out of the kitchen, making pastry and cakes, which she did so much better than Florence. I've inherited that from her, I'm glad to say no one can teach me anything about cooking. But, of course, it meant she was apt to neglect her appearance. Then, when Father finally did come in, I would creep out into the hall to meet him, and make a face, and put my finger to my lips.

'You're in disgrace,' I would whisper. 'Mother's been on about it half the evening. Just come in and read the paper and don't say anything.'

Poor Father, he immediately looked guilty, and there would be a fine evening in front of us, with Mother tight-lipped at her end of the table, and he sulky at his, and me between the pair of them trying to do the best for both.

When I left school the question arose, what was I to do? I've told you I had no brains, but I was quick, and fairly bright in the ordinary things, so I took a typing and shorthand course, and thank heaven I did, as events turned out. At the time I didn't think it would lead to anything. I was eighteen then, and, like most girls of my age, stage-struck. I had taken a leading part in The School for Scandal at school, played Lady Teazle, as a matter of fact, and could think of nothing else the reporter was a friend of the headmistress, and I got a mention in the local paper but when I suggested going on the stage both Father and Mother put their foot down.

'You don't know the first way to set about it,' said Father, 'apart from the cost of the training.'

'Besides,' said Mother, 'it would mean living up in London and being on your own. It would never do!'

I took the secretarial course just to have it up my sleeve, but I hadn't given up all thoughts of the stage. The way I saw things, there was no future for any of us living in Eastbourne. There was Father still dug in at the solicitor's office, and Mother pottering about at home; it was so narrowing to their outlook that they seemed to get nothing out of life. Whereas if they went up to London to live, there would be a ma.s.s of new interests for them. Father would enjoy the football matches in winter, and cricket in the summer, and Mother could go to concerts and picture galleries. Now my Aunt Madge was getting on in life she must be lonely living in that house in Victoria all by herself. We could join forces with her, as paying guests, of course, and it would help her out.

'You know what it is,' I said to Mother one evening. 'Father will have to think of retiring soon, and what bothers me is how you're going to keep up this house when he does. Florence will have to go, and I shall be out all day at some job typing my poor old fingers to the bone, and here the pair of you will be stuck without anything to do except take Prince for a walk.'

Prince was the dog, and he was getting old like Father.

'Well, I don't know,' said Mother. 'Your father's not due for retirement yet. There's time enough to plan in a year or two.'

'I only hope somebody else doesn't plan for him,' I told her. 'I wouldn't trust that Betty Something-or-other at the office she has far too much say in things, if you ask me.'

Actually, Father had been looking tired the last few months, and I was not very happy about his health. I taxed him with it the very next day. 'Are you feeling all right, Father?' I asked.

'Yes,' he said. 'Why?'

'You look as if you've lost weight this winter,' I said, 'and you've gone such a bad colour, too.'

I remember he went and looked at himself in the mirror.

'Yes,' he said, 'I am thinner. It hadn't struck me.'

'It's worried me for some time,' I told him. 'I think you ought to see a doctor. You get a pain sometimes, don't you, just under the heart?'

'I thought that was indigestion,' he said.

'Could be,' I said doubtfully, 'but when a man's getting on you never know.'

Anyway, Father went and had a checkup, and although there was nothing radically wrong there was a suspicion of ulcer, the doctor said, and his blood pressure was high. If he hadn't gone for the checkup it might never have been discovered. It upset Father quite a bit, and Mother too, and I explained to Father that it really wasn't fair on Mother to continue working as he did, or on himself. One of these days he would get really ill and have a heart attack in the office, and heaven knew where it would end. Also, cancer doesn't show in the early stages, I told him, and there was no guarantee that he mightn't be suffering from that too.

Meanwhile, I went up to London to see Aunt Madge, and there she was still living all by herself in that house near Westminster Cathedral.

'Aren't you afraid of burglars?' I asked.

She told me she had never given them a thought. I looked astonished.

'Then it's time you did,' I said. 'The things one reads in the papers every day scare me stiff. It's always elderly women living on their own in big old-fashioned houses who get attacked. I hope you keep the chain on the door and never answer the bell after dark.'

She admitted there had been a burglary in a neighbouring street.

'There you are,' I said. 'The brutes are going to start on this district. If you took paying guests, and had a man in the house, nothing would happen. Besides, living alone like this, you might fall and break a leg. n.o.body would find you for days.'

I suppose it took me about three months to make the poor dears realise Father, Mother, and Aunt Madge how much happier they would be if they pooled their resources and all lived together in the house in Victoria. It was much the best thing for Father, because it meant that he was near to the best hospitals if his health cracked up. It did, too, the following year, but not before I had found myself a job as understudy in a West End theatre.

Oh yes, I was stage-struck, I admit it. You remember Vernon Miles, the matinee idol before the war? He was the heart throb of my generation, like the pop singers for the teen-agers today, and I was mad about him like everyone else. The family were settling in with my Aunt Madge in Victoria I had the two top rooms as a flat and I used to go and wait outside the stage door every evening. In the end he had to notice me. My hair was blonde and fluffy in those days, not touched up as it is to-day, and I was really pretty, though I say it myself. Wet or fine, every evening I was there, and gradually it became a sort of joke with him. He started off by signing my autograph book, then he used to say good night and wave, and finally he asked me into the dressing-room for a drink with the rest of the company.

'Meet Old Faithful,' he said he had a great sense of humour and they all laughed and shook hands with me, and I told him there and then that I wanted a job.

'You mean you want to act?' he asked.

'I don't mind what I do,' I said, 'as long as I'm inside a theatre. I'll help pull the curtain up and down, if you like.'

I think the audacity of this really did the trick, and the way I wouldn't take no for an answer, because Vernon Miles did make a job for me as a.s.sistant to the a.s.sistant stage manager. Actually, I was a sort of glorified messenger girl, but it was a foot on the ladder all the same. And what it was to be able to go back to the house in Victoria and tell them I'd got a job on the stage with Vernon Miles!

Besides the stage directing part of my work, I under-studied the understudies. Happy, carefree days they were. The best part, though, was seeing Vernon Miles every day. I was always one of the last out of the theatre and managed to leave at the same time as he did.

He stopped calling me 'Old Faithful' and nicknamed me 'Fidelity' instead, which was more complimentary, and I made it my business to keep away from the stage door all the fans who wanted to pester him. I did the same for other members of the company, and some of them got very jealous. There can be quite a lot of ill-feeling backstage one way or another, which the stars themselves don't see.

'I wouldn't like to be you,' I said to Vernon Miles one night.

'Why not?' he asked.

'You'd be surprised,' I told him, 'the things some of them say behind your back. They flatter you to your face, but it's a different thing when you're looking the other way.'

It seemed only fair to put him on his guard. He was such a kind, generous man, I hated to think of him being put upon in any way. He was a bit in love with me, too, though nothing serious. He kissed me under the mistletoe at a Christmas party, and he must have been a bit ashamed of himself the next day, because I remember he slipped out of the theatre without saying good night.

I waited in the pa.s.sage every evening for a week, but he always managed to have someone with him until the Sat.u.r.day, when I knew there was no one in the dressing-room, and I knocked on the door. He looked quite scared when he saw me.

'Hullo, Fido,' he said it had got to Fido by now 'I thought you'd gone home.'

'No,' I said, 'I wondered if you wanted anything.'

'That's very sweet of you,' he said. 'No, I don't think I do.'

I just stood there, waiting. If he really felt like kissing me again I didn't mind. It wouldn't be out of his way to drop me in Victoria, either. He lived in Chelsea himself. After waiting a moment or two, I suggested this, and he smiled, in a strained sort of way, and said he was terribly sorry but he was going out to supper at the Savoy, in the opposite direction.

And then he began to cough quite badly, putting his hand to his heart, and said he was afraid he was going to have one of his attacks he suffered from asthma, you remember and would I call his dresser, he would know what to do. I was really very alarmed and I called the dresser, who came at once and put me outside the room and said Mr Miles would have to rest about twenty minutes before going to his supper engagement at the Savoy. I think the dresser was jealous of my friendship with Vernon Miles, because after that night he was always on guard by the dressing-room door and was almost offensive when I tried to hang about outside. It was all very petty and silly, and the atmosphere in the theatre became quite different, with people whispering in corners, and not speaking, and looking the other way whenever I appeared.

Anyway, my stage career was cut short, what with Father's death (he had an exploratory operation for stomach pain, and although they found nothing organically wrong he died under the anaesthetic), and Mother of course was very distressed. She was fond of Father, in spite of all that nagging, and I had to go home for a time to try and keep the peace between her and Aunt Madge.

The authorities ought to do something for elderly people. It's really terrible, I kept telling them both, how there is no sort of provision for those with failing health. Any day, I said, either of them might get the same sort of pain that Father had, and be whisked off to hospital, and perhaps kept there week after week with nothing wrong. There ought to be hostels, with hot and cold in every room, and a restaurant, and a staff of nurses, so that elderly people could relax and not be worrying about themselves all the time. Naturally I didn't grudge giving up my stage career to look after them, but where would the money come from to keep Mother when Aunt Madge had gone?

Well, that was 1939, and the pair of them were nervous enough then, so you can imagine what it was like when war broke out and the bomb scare started. 'They'll go for Victoria first,' I said, 'because of the station,' and in next to no time I had both of them packed off to Devonshire. But the terrible thing was that the boardinghouse they were staying in at Exeter received a direct hit. They were killed instantly, and the house in Victoria was never so much as scratched. That's life, isn't it? Or perhaps death, to put it correctly.

I was so shocked by the tragedy of poor Mother and Aunt Madge being wiped out by a single bomb that I had a nervous breakdown, and that was really how I came to miss being called up when they started putting girls and young women in the Services. I wasn't fit for nursing, either. I took a job as secretary to a dear old blind millionaire, to try and get my strength back. He had a huge house in Shropshire, and you'd hardly believe it, but, although he became devoted to me, he died without leaving me a penny.

His son came into the place, and his wife didn't like me, or rather I didn't like her, so, as the war in Europe was over, I decided to go back to London, and I got another secretarial job with a journalist in Fleet Street.

It was while I was working for him that I made contact with various reporters and other newspaper people. If you're mixed up in that world you can't help hearing a lot of gossip, and so on, however discreet you are and no one can call me indiscreet. Scrupulous as you may be, there are limits to what one person can do to quash scandal, and it wasn't my business, even if I'd had the time, to track down every story to its source and find out whether it was true or not. The best I could do, with all the rumours that I heard, was to insist that they were rumours and mustn't on any account be pa.s.sed on.

It was when I was working for the journalist that I met Kenneth. He was the other half of Rosanke. Everyone knows Rosanke, the dress designer and haut couturier whatever you care to call it. I suppose they rank about third in the top ten. People think to this day that it's run by one person, a sort of recluse, shut away in an ivory tower, but the truth is that Rosanke is, or was, Rose and Kenneth Sawbones. The way they put the names together was rather clever, don't you think?

Rose and Kenneth Sawbones were brother and sister, and I married Kenneth. I admit that Rose was the artistic one of the pair. She did the designing, and in fact all the creative work, and Kenneth ran the financial side of the business. My journalist boss had a small interest in Rosanke, just a few shares, but still it paid him to get Rosanke into the gossip columns, which he did very effectively. People were sick of the uniform fashions of wartime, and Rose was clever the way she laid such stress on femininity, hips and bosoms, and so on, and clinging lines. Rosanke went to the top in next to no time, but there is no doubt that it was helped by the push it got from the press.

I met Kenneth at one of their dress shows I was using a press ticket, of course. He was pointed out to me by a journalist friend.

'There's the ke in Rosanke,' said my friend, 'and he holds the tail end, and no mistake. Rose is the brains. Kenny just tots up the figures, then hands in the cheques to his sister.'

Kenneth was good-looking. The Jack Buchanan type, or perhaps you'd call it Rex Harrison. Tall and fair, with bags of charm. The first thing I asked was whether he was married, but my journalist friend told me he hadn't been caught yet. He introduced me to Kenneth, and to Rose too they were not a sc.r.a.p alike, although they were brother and sister and I told Rose what my boss planned to say about them in his paper. Naturally she was delighted, and I had an invitation to a party she was giving. One thing led to another. Rosanke was definitely in the news and getting bigger publicity every day.

'If you smile on the press, the press smiles on you,' I said to Kenneth, 'and once they're on your side the world's your oyster.'

This was at a tiny party I was giving for them, on the understanding that Vernon Miles would be there to meet them. I'd told them how well I knew him, and they hoped to dress his next play. Unfortunately he never turned up another attack of asthma, his secretary said.

'What a go-ahead girl you are,' said Kenneth. 'I've never met anyone like you.' And he finished off his fifth martini. He drank too much, even then.

'I'll tell you another thing,' I said. 'You've got to stop letting your sister push you around. Rosanke's p.r.o.nounced all wrong. You want the accent on the ke.'

He sobered up at that. He lowered his gla.s.s and stared at me.

'What makes you say that?' he asked.

I shrugged my shoulders. 'I hate to see a man kowtow to a woman. Especially when the man has the brains. It's laziness, that's all. One of these days you'll find the ke dropped out of Rosanke, and you'll only have yourself to blame.'

Believe it or not, he took me out to dinner, and I heard the whole story of his childhood and how Rose and his mother had always preyed on him. They were devoted, of course, but, as I pointed out, the very devotion was the worst part about it. It had turned possessive.

'What you need,' I told him, 'is to stand on your own and beat the big drum.'

The result of that dinner was rather extraordinary. Kenneth had a big row with Rose. It was the first they had ever had, he told me afterwards, but it must have cleared the air, because things were on another footing inside the business from that time, and Rose realised that she hadn't got it all her own way. Some of the model girls said that the atmosphere had changed and was spoilt; but that was just because discipline was tightened up and they had to work longer hours.

Kenneth proposed to me in a traffic jam. He was driving me home after a party I still had the house in Victoria, Aunt Madge had left it to me in her will. We came to a block where the lights had stuck. There must have been something wrong with them.

'Red for danger,' said Kenneth. 'That's you.'

'You flatter me,' I told him. 'I've never thought of myself as a femme fatale.'

'I don't know about fatale,' said Kenneth, 'but here we are stuck, which is pretty much the same thing.'

Of course he had to kiss me there was nothing else he could do. Then somebody must have cleared the lights from a main switch. I saw them first.

'You know what green stands for, don't you?' I asked him.

'Yes,' he answered, 'all clear. Go ahead.'

'Well, I'm not married either,' I said. 'The way's clear.'

To be perfectly honest, I'm not certain that he wasn't the teeniest bit taken by surprise. You know how cautious some men are, and maybe he wanted another day or two to bring himself to the point. However, of course word got round in no time that we were engaged, and once that kind of thing creeps into the papers it's so difficult to deny. As I told him, it makes a man look a cad and it's very bad for his business. Besides, it gives people all sorts of ideas when a dress designer is a bachelor. So we were married, and I had a lovely dress on the firm. The only unromantic thing about the wedding was having to become Mrs Sawbones.

Kenneth and I were very much in love, but I had an uneasy feeling, right from the start, that the marriage wasn't going to work out. For one thing, he was so terribly restless, always wanting to move on from one place to another. We had flown to Paris after the wedding, intending to stay put, but when we'd been there a day he said, 'Dilly, I can't stand this. Let's try Rome.' So off we had to go, there and then, and we hadn't been in Rome two days before he suggested Naples. Then he had the wild idea of wiring for Rose and his mother to come out and join us. On the honeymoon! Naturally I was hurt, and I told him that if it got into the press that he'd had to take his family on his honeymoon, Rosanke would be the laughingstock of London. I suppose that shook him, because he didn't suggest it again. But we didn't stay in Italy long, because the rich food disagreed with him.