The Deipnosophists, or Banquet of the Learned of Athenaeus Part 78

32.

How great a wish has now come over me To tell to heaven and earth the way in which I did prepare that supper. Aye, by Pallas, How sweet it is when everything goes right!

How tender was my fish! and how I dress'd it!

Not done with cheese, or powder'd o'er with dyes, But looking as he did in life, though roasted.

So mild and gentle was the fire which I Did to the fish apply, you'd scarce believe it.

It was as when a hen does seize some food, And carries it away to eat at leisure: She runs all round with care; another sees her, And straightway follows her to take it from her.

So here, the man who first found out the pleasure Of dainty eating, sprang up high and ran All round and round, with his dish in his hand.

The rest pursued him--it was fine to see them: Some got a little, some got nothing, some Got all they wanted. Well, as I was saying, I took some river fish, eaters of mud.

What if I'd had a scare, or blue-back'd fish From Attic waters, O thou saving Jupiter!

Or boar from Argive woods, or n.o.ble conger From Sicyon's bay, the conger which the G.o.d Of the deep sea doth bear aloft to heaven, Fit banquet for his brethren. Then no doubt The guests who ate would all have seem'd like G.o.ds; I should have been immortal, since the dead By the mere smell of my meat I bring to life again.

33. I swear by Minerva that Menecrates the Syracusan himself would not have made such a boast as that, he who was nick-named Jupiter--a man who gave himself airs as being, by his skill in medicine, the only person who could cause man to live. Accordingly he compelled all who came to be cured by him of what is called the sacred disease, to enter into a written agreement that if they recovered they would be his slaves. And they followed him, one wearing the dress of Hercules, and being called Hercules, (and the man who was so called was Nicostratus, an Argive, who had been cured of the sacred disease, and he is mentioned by Ephippus, in his Peltast, where he says--

Did not Menecrates call himself a G.o.d, And Nicostratus of Argos a second Hercules?)

and another followed him in the dress of Mercury, having on a cloak and bearing a caduceus, and wings besides. As Nicagoras of Zelia did, who also became afterwards the tyrant of his country, as Baton relates in the history of the Tyrants at Ephesus. And Hegesander says that he called Astycreon, who had been cured by him, Apollo. And another of those who had been cured by him, went about with him to his cost, wearing the dress of aesculapius. But Jupiter Menecrates himself, clad in purple, and having a golden crown upon his head, and holding a sceptre, and being shod with slippers, went about with his chorus of G.o.ds. And once, writing to Philip the king, he began his letter thus--

34. "Menecrates Jupiter to Philip greeting.

"You, indeed, are king of Macedonia, but I am king of medicine; and you are able, when you please, to put men to death, who are in health; but I am able to save those who are sick, and to cause those who are in good health, if they only follow my advice, to live to old age without being attacked by disease. Therefore the Macedonians attend you as body-guards; but all who wish to live attend me; for I, Jupiter, give them life."

And so Philip wrote back to him as to a man out of his senses,--"Philip wishes Menecrates soundness." And he wrote in similar style to Archidemus, also the king of the Lacedaemonians, and to every one else to whom he wrote at all; never omitting to give himself the name of Jupiter. And once Philip invited him and all his G.o.ds to supper, and placed them all on the centre couch, which was adorned in the loftiest and most holy-looking and beautiful manner. And he had a table, placed before them on which there was an altar and first-fruits of the different productions of the earth. And whenever eatables were placed before the other guests, the slaves placed incense before Menecrates, and poured libations in his honour. And at last, the new Jupiter, with all his subordinate G.o.ds, being laughed at by every one, ran away and fled from the banquet, as Hegesander relates. And Alexis also makes mention of Menecrates in his Minos.

35. And Themiso the Cyprian, the friend of Antiochus the king, as Pythermus the Ephesian relates in the eighth book of his History, not only used to have his name proclaimed in the public a.s.semblies, "Themiso, the Macedonian, the Hercules of Antiochus the king;" but all the people of that country used to sacrifice to him, addressing him as Hercules Themiso; and he himself would come when any of the n.o.bles celebrated a sacrifice, and would sit down, having a couch to himself, and being clad in a lion's skin, and he used also to bear a Scythian bow, and in his hand, he carried a club. Menecrates then himself, though he was such as we have said, never made such a preposterous boast as the cook we have been speaking of,--

I am immortal, for I bring the dead, By the mere smell of my meat, to life again.

36. But the whole tribe of cooks are conceited and arrogant, as Hegesander says in his Brothers. For he introduces a cook, saying--

_A._ My friend, a great deal has been said already By many men on the art of cookery, So either tell me something now yourself, Unknown to former cooks, or spare my ears.

_B._ I'll not fatigue you; know that I alone Of present men have sounded all the depths Of culinary science and invention; For I have not been just a short two years Learning my art with snow-white ap.r.o.n girt, But all my life I have devoted anxiously To the investigation of each point Of moment; I have inquired into all The different kinds of herbs and vegetables; I know the habits of the bembrades, I know the lentils in their various sorts; In short, this I can say--Whene'er I am At a funereal feast as minister, As soon as men come back from the funeral, Clad in dark garments, I take off the lids Of all my saucepans, and the weeping guests I clothe with smiling faces in a moment; And such a joy runs through each heart and frame As if they were a marriage feast attending.

_A._ What! serving up lentils and bembrades?

_B._ These are some accidental dishes only; But when I've got my necessary tools, And once have properly arranged my kitchen, That which in old time happen'd with the Sirens You shall again behold repeated now.

For such shall be the savoury smell, that none Shall bring themselves to pa.s.s this narrow pa.s.sage; And every one who pa.s.ses by the door Shall stand agape, fix'd to the spot, and mute, Till some one of his friends, who's got a cold And lost his smell, drags him away by force.

_A._ You're a great artist.

_B._ Do not you then know To whom you speak? I do declare to you I have known many of the guests, who have, For my sake, eaten up their whole estates.

Now, I beg you, tell me, in the name of all the G.o.ds at once, in what respect this man appears to you to differ from the Celedones in Pindar, who, in the same manner as the Sirens of old, caused those who listened to them to forget their food through delight, and so to waste away?

37. But Nicomachus, in his Ilithyia, himself also introduces a cook, who in arrogance and conceit goes far beyond the artists on the stage. This cook then speaks to the man who has hired him in this way,--

_A._ You do display a gentlemanlike taste And kind; but one thing still you have omitted.

_B._ How so?

_A._ You never have inquired it seems How great a man I am. Or had you heard it From some one else who was acquainted with me, And so was that the reason you engaged me?

_B._ By Jove I never heard or thought about it.

_A._ Perhaps you do not know how great the difference Is that exists between one cook and another?

_B._ Not I, but I shall know now, if you tell me.

_A._ To take some meat that some one else has bought, And then to dress it tolerably, is What any cook can do.

_B._ O Hercules!

_A._ A perfect cook is quite another thing.

For there are many admirable arts, All of which he must master thoroughly Who would excel in this. He first must have A smattering of painting; and indeed Many the sciences are which he must learn Before he's fit to begin learning cookery,-- And you should know them ere you talk to me,-- Astrology, and Medicine, and Geometry.

For by these arts you'll know the qualities And excellences of the various fish.

You'll learn to guide your dishes by the seasons; And when this fish is in, and this is out, For there is great variety in the pleasures That from the table spring. Sometimes, for instance, A boax will be better than a tunny.

_B._ Perhaps; but what on earth has that to do With your geometry?

_A._ Why this. We say The kitchen is a sphere; this we divide, And take, one portion, as may suit our art, Borrowing the principles of mensuration.

_B._ I understand; that's quite enough of that.

Where does your medical skill display itself?

_A._ Know there are meats hard, indigestible, Pregnant with flatulence, causing only torture To the unhappy eater, and no nourishment.

Yet those who sup at other folks' expense Are always greedy and not temperate.

For these, and similar viands, remedies Must come from the resources of our art; And how to marshal everything in order With wisdom and propriety, we learn By borrowing from the science of the General.

To count the guests requires arithmetic.

And no one else has all these parts of knowledge Except myself.

_B._ Now in your turn, awhile Listen to me.

_A._ Say on.

_B._ Give no more trouble To me nor to yourself: but just keep quiet, And rest yourself all day for all I care.

38. And the cook in the Younger Philemon wishes to be a sort of tutor, and speaks in this fashion--

There, let things be as they are. Only take care The fire may not too small be or too slow To roast the joints. (As a fire like that Makes meat not roast but sodden.) Nor too fierce.

(For that again does burn whate'er it catches, And yet is far from cooking the meat through.) It is not every one who has a spoon And knife about him that we call a cook, Not every one who puts his fish in a pan; There is more wit and reason in the business.

39. And the Cook in Diphilus's Painter tells us also to whom he thinks it worth his while to hire himself, saying--

_A._ I will not use your meat, nor give my aid Unless I'm sure that I shall have all means Which needful are to make a proper show; Nor do I e'er go anywhere till first I know who 'tis who makes the sacrifice, Or what the cause may be which prompts the banquet, Or who the guests are who have been invited.

For I have got a regular list at home Of where I choose to go, and where I don't.

As first, to speak of the commercial cla.s.s; Some captain of a ship may make a sacrifice Just to discharge some vow, made when he lost His mast, or broke the rudder of his vessel, Or, having sprung a leak, threw overboard His cargo. I'll have nought to do with him: For he does nothing willingly, but only Just so much as he thinks he cannot help.

And every time a cup is fill'd with wine, He makes a calculation of the sum Which he can charge his owners or his pa.s.sengers, And thinks that what his guests do eat and drink Is his own flesh and blood. Another came, But three days since, from the Byzantine port, Safe and successful; joyful in a profit Of ten or twelve per cent; talking of nothing But freight and interest, spending all his love On worn-out panders. Soon as he did quit The ship and set his foot upon the land, I blew my nose, gave him my hand, and utter'd Audible thanks to saving Jupiter, And hasten'd forth to wait on him. For this Is always my way; and I find it answer.

Again an amorous youth will feast and squander His sire's estate; to him I go at call.

But those who feast in shares, and throw together Into one dish their petty contributions, Though they may tear their clothes, and cry aloud, "Come, who will cook us our new-purchased supper?"