The Defective Detective - Cat Chaser Part 2

"No," he replied.

"Heard of her, worked for her, any mention by anyone you've ever met?"

"No, I swear, sir," he said.

"And how about Vince?"

"Ah, now there I can help you.There are two, no, three gentlemen by that name working here.One of them lives down the street from me.I get the bus in with him when we're on the same shifts."

"They work here?"

"Yes."

I shook my head."Lava Corp?"

Jacob shook his head.

I tried to look thoughtful by scratching my chin then turned around to survey the rest of the office.It was a cramped affair, the other walls I hadn't been able to see housing newspaper clippings mostly of football teams I didn't recognise and a small square board with hooks, the majority of which had keys hanging from them.There was a single, shared telephone, two desks and that was it.We weren't going to make any more progress here.

"Right, Jacob," I said, finally shaking his hand as the pins and needles subsided."I need an a.s.sistant this evening.Do you think you are up to the task?"

"Yes, sir!" he said, practically saluting as he did so.

"What do you know of taxidermy, Jacob?"

"Not much, sir, but I think you'll be wanting to speak to Miss Erin on that subject."

"Do you now?" I said.

"Yes sir, if I was you I would ask her about Lucky.Her cat."

"Would you now?" I said.At last, I was making some progress."Well, then lead the way."

"Right you are sir."

And off we went.

Chapter 4.

It's strange, I suppose, walking through the unfamiliar insides of a building as everyday as this one.The stark concrete floors painted the same dull grey as the walls, the once large areas now part.i.tioned into room after storeroom, cupboard after cupboard and office after office.

We walked in silence except for when Jacob would occasionally let out a warbling birdsong whistle.The place was a maze and we turned corner after corner until we reached a corridor which was shrouded in darkness.

Jacob held up his hand and put his index finger over his lips.

I stared into the darkness but at night and with no windows the corridor gave nothing away.And then the noise started.

A knock that echoed out, surrounding us then a soft, dragged hiss.

Knock.Hiss.

Knock-hiss.

Knock-hissssssss.

"Jesus, Ray, is that you?" barked Jacob into the murk.

"Course it's b.l.o.o.d.y me," a voice came back out of the darkness shortly followed by a face and then a whole body."Who the h.e.l.l else would it be at this time of night?"

Ray looked like an alcoholic Santa in the off-season.His skin was pale from the lack of sun, he'd shaved his beard, but a course, white stubble hung from his chin.The big tummy was there but it seemed a lot less jolly than the Santa we all knew and loved.

"Well, there's just been, you know," said Jacob."What the h.e.l.l was that noise?"

Ray pointed down towards the ground and it became immediately apparent.The hiss had been his left foot, the tartan slipper he wore on it dragged along the ground whilst his right leg, a wooden pirate-prosthesis tapped its peggy way alongside.

Jacob looked confused.

Ray kept walking, raising his eyebrows in acknowledgement of me then walking on past.

"I smashed the foot on my proper leg this morning so I'm stuck with the peg 'til it's fixed."

"How did it, you know," I said, pointing to his prosthesis."How did you lose it originally?"

"Lion chewed it off on safari," he stared at me, frowning.

"Really?" I said, completely unable to hide the awe in my voice.

"Course not you b.l.o.o.d.y idiot, it was an industrial accident."

And with a knock knock and a and a hiss hiss Ray sc.r.a.ped off on his way. Ray sc.r.a.ped off on his way.

"You had to ask?" Jacob whispered to me then waved us on to a pair of double doors which we opened together and led us onto the real shop floor.

"Need to talk to you if you don't mind, Miss Erin."

Erin was a formidable woman, somehow seeming to tower over Jacob in spite of the fact she couldn't have been more than five foot three.She was the epitome of a makeup counter girl with her orange face, lashes like Amazonian spiders and what appeared to be perfectly manicured two-inch talons on the ends of her fingers.

"Talk?" Erin spat the words at Jacob, accompanying them with some actual spit for good measure.

"This is Mr Barnum, he's a Private Investigator."

"Please," I said."Call me Clint."

"I will not speak to this, this... " she turned the corners of her mouth down causing her garish red lipstick to crack."... this d.i.c.k.I will not speak to him under any circ.u.mstance."

"What can you tell me about woman named Pingoveno?" I said and moved a little closer to Erin.I was. .h.i.t by a wall of perfume and suppressed a cough."And what can you tell me about Lucky?"

Erin stopped talking and stared at me, her left eyelid twitched, sending shudders through her spiderous eyelashes.I stared at her, waiting for something more.Right now this was all I had; one woman's name, a vague idea of something that had to be retrieved and a taxidermy racket.

Jacob coughed apologetically and reached into his pocket, taking out a clean, white handkerchief and pa.s.sing it to Erin who took it and appeared to shatter on contact, reduced to a crying, howling mess in Jacob's arms.I couldn't go on like this.

Fishing my phone out of my pocket I dialled Agatha.It rang twice then she picked up.

"Clint," she said."H-w i- - go-ng up there?"

"Agatha?" I said."Can you hear me?"

There was silence on the line, I took the phone away from my ear.The call was over.No d.a.m.n signal.

"Can't get a signal in here," said Jacob."Walls too thick."

Right, so this blubbering mess was all I had to work with then.Okay, on with the show.

"Erin is it?" I said."Can you please stop crying and talk to me?What are you upset about?"

"It's... " she managed before breaking down again.Jacob mopped her eyes and her mascara began to trickle into the wrinkles she had so valiantly tried to conceal."I know about the taxidermy if that's what you're asking."

b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, that was easy, I was getting good at this detective lark.

"Yes," I said and put my hand on her shoulder taking the handkerchief from Jacob and dabbing her eyes, the handkerchief now looking like some sort of panda-Jesus' Turin shroud."That's exactly what I was asking about.And what about Lucky?"

I was onto something here.

"He was," she took a deep breath, took the handkerchief from me and blew her nose.She tried to hand it back but I shook my head and smiled."But he's... he's gone."

"Gone?" I said.My mobile started to ring in my pocket."What do you mean 'gone'?"

I took the mobile out.Agatha's name was displayed on the screen.

"My little ginger puss. Dead. Stuffed," she began wailing again.

The phone kept ringing.

"Shh.Please, can you just hang on for one second?"

I answered the phone.

"Clint? Can you hear me?" said Agatha.

"Yes, listen, quick while I've got a signal.Am I looking for a cat?"

"Clint, Forsyth has been down looking for an update.It's imperative you retrieve the animal alive or -"

"Forsyth?s.h.i.t.Really?Agatha?" I tried walking away from Erin and Jacob, quickly jogging towards the windows."Are you still there?Am I looking for a b.l.o.o.d.y cat?"

"C-t - anything you need?"

"Yes, Agatha.Can you please just tell me if I'm looking for a ginger cat?"

"Y- than we thought - black - orange - cat. Clint?"

"You're breaking up," I said, stabbed the disconnect key and hung up on her.

"Stop your b.l.o.o.d.y snivelling woman!" I shouted from across the floor and began striding towards them."Are you telling me that you had a black and orange cat?"

She nodded.

"And am I to understand that he has popped his clogs?"

She nodded again.

"s.h.i.t!" I screamed."A dead lost cat.Who the s.h.i.tting h.e.l.l sends a private investigator to find a lost cat?Especially a b.l.o.o.d.y dead one. Is that what I'm worth?A dead cat! A lost b.a.s.t.a.r.d dead b.a.s.t.a.r.d cat."

"Sir?" said Jacob.

"'Bring him back in one piece, Clint," I shouted."Oh and if you don't you're sacked, Clint.Arrrrrrrrrgh!"

I spun around to shout at the two of them again and

Chapter 5.

I woke to what was becoming a much more familiar sight; the wall with the Employee of the Month certificate on it and the still disconcertingknock-hissnoise coming up behind me. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and turned around to see Ray the caretaker looming with a mug in his hands. woke to what was becoming a much more familiar sight; the wall with the Employee of the Month certificate on it and the still disconcertingknock-hissnoise coming up behind me. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and turned around to see Ray the caretaker looming with a mug in his hands.

"Hope you like your coffee black," he said, putting the cup on the desk in front of me. "Milk was off."

"Thanks, black's fine. You carry me back here?" I asked.

"Jacob. Then Erin started bossing him around so he asked me to keep an eye on you. What happened, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Got angry. Fell asleep," I lifted the cup to my lips but realised it was too hot before the liquid touched my mouth. "It happens."

Ray nodded and flopped into a chair, "So what was all the shouting about then?"

"That?" I blew on the coffee. "Was me shouting about the fact that Erin's dead cat is the end of my brief career as a private eye."

I gave up blowing on the coffee and sighed on it instead.