The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction Part 19

SURVIVAL TIPS.

Lessons learned from the stories in this book: Do not dunk your food into lab chemicals, however zesty. Do not dunk your food into lab chemicals, however zesty.Do not walk into a lion's cage during feeding time.Do not swim in crocodile-infested waters.Do not leap aboard a wild stag.Do not lick an electrical cord that has fallen into cake batter.Do not warm your buns inside a shrink-wrap oven.Do not head-b.u.t.t a coconut to prove a point.Do not exit a fast-moving vehicle to prove that walking is faster.Do not exit a fast-moving vehicle to prove that street-skating is safe.Do not drive with a lit cigarette and a lap full of firecrackers.Do not toss dynamite through the floorboards of your car.Do not warm a can of paint in the oven.Do not warm a can of lighter fuel on the stove.Do not stick your head inside a microwave oven.Do not leap from iceberg to iceberg, even if you can.Do not do pull-ups on gigantic ski-lift wheels.Do not demolish a building's supports while standing beneath it.Do not allow yourself to be lowered into raw sewage.Do not fix electronics while sitting on a metal toilet.Do not m.u.f.fle an explosion between your thighs.Do not encourage a fish to swim up your urethra.Do not romance a bench.Do not romance a flower vase.Do not romance a metal pipe, a racc.o.o.n, or a toilet fixture.Do not surf on a foam air mattress.Do not chase a feather off a cliff.Do not steal a plane and take it on a drunken joyride.Do not attempt to stop a train by standing in front of it.Do not sleep in a path used by military vehicles.Do not attach a parachute to your body and toss it out the sunroof.Do not become mesmerized by the lyrics on your car's radio.Do not pay back a friend by blowing up his car.Do not dispose of suspicious dynamite by shooting it.Do not anchor your boat with an antique bomb.Do not fill your air mattress with flammable gas, particularly while smoking.Do not destroy a wasp's nest with gasoline and a match.Do not fiddle with electric wires while standing in a Jacuzzi.Do not fiddle with electric wires while standing in a bathtub.Do not fiddle with electric wires while standing in the rain.Do not urinate on high voltage electrical wires, or wasp nests, or both.Do not rappel from an electrical tower.Do not stick the hose of an air compressor in your a.n.u.s.Do not drill into a can of paint.Do not treat a snakebite with a Taser.Do not load a washing machine with firecrackers.Do not shoot yourself, even with a soft putty bullet.Do not disguise yourself with metallic spray paint.Do not take your kite board surfing in a hurricane.Do not slide down a one-thousand-foot cliff face.Do not slide down a glacier.Do not stand directly in the path of a falling tree.Do not examine the workings of an active tennis ball machine.Do not leap into a large dust devil whirlwind.Do not regard helium balloons as a mode of transportation.Do not toss paint cans into a fire.Do not toss propane cylinders into a fire.Be wary of driving a motorized bar stool while drunk.Be wary of protecting your car with a homemade electric fence.Be wary of proving to your peers that your homemade bomb is safe.Be wary of digging a deep tunnel beneath your house.Be wary of digging a deep hole in wet sand.Be wary of leaping over a sharp, pointy fence.Be wary of wrapping yourself in plastic to lose weight.Be wary of baking liquor-flavored cakes at a high temperature.Be wary of overestimating the amount of explosives you need.Be wary of pouring liquid oxygen on a fire.Be wary of shooting soda cans from a homemade cannon.Be wary of celebrating Independence Day with a homemade cannon.Be wary of celebrating Independence Day with a washer full of firecrackers.Staging a car accident is no way to obtain prescription drugs.Staging a car accident is no way to get your insurance policy to pay up.Staging a lion attack is no way to avoid the Draft.It is not necessarily fun to seal yourself in a train station locker.And always, always look before you leak.

APPENDIX B.

STAFF BIOGRAPHIES.

Wendy Northcutt is the klutz behind the Darwin Awards. Wendy is a scientist and graduate of UC Berkeley with a degree in molecular biology. She began writing the Darwin Awards in 1993 and is the founder of is the klutz behind the Darwin Awards. Wendy is a scientist and graduate of UC Berkeley with a degree in molecular biology. She began writing the Darwin Awards in 1993 and is the founder of www.DarwinAwards.com. She is the author of five previous Darwin Awards collections, and has also written and edited dozens of medical science essays. Wendy chases eclipses, hoop dances, reads comic books, enjoys natural dyes and silkwork, and pets cats whenever she can.

Kevin Buckley ( (kevinbuckleystudios.com) is a freelance writer/ill.u.s.trator who has worked for such companies as TimeGate Studios and Pulsar Games Inc., and was a top-ten finalist in Platinum Studio's Comic Book Challenge 2007 for his comic, The Strange and Many Eyes of Dr. LeFaux The Strange and Many Eyes of Dr. LeFaux. He has a master's degree in Ill.u.s.tration from the Academy of Art University in San Francisco, where he continues to live and work alongside his ever-faithful cat, Max.

[image]

Ariane La Gauche is Wendy Northcutt's right-hand (or left-hand?) woman. She discovered the Darwin Awards as a UC Berkeley undergrad, when she spent long hours reading humorous stories online as a way of avoiding homework. Little did she know she would someday be working behind the scenes! Now based at Darwin Headquarters, Ariane corresponds with fans, does the odd bit of story editing, and feeds people. She has also sprinkled numerous enchanting turns of phrase like pixie dust on these pages. She is also a graduate student in literature. If you ask nicely, Ariane might translate the Darwin Awards into Latin. Really! is Wendy Northcutt's right-hand (or left-hand?) woman. She discovered the Darwin Awards as a UC Berkeley undergrad, when she spent long hours reading humorous stories online as a way of avoiding homework. Little did she know she would someday be working behind the scenes! Now based at Darwin Headquarters, Ariane corresponds with fans, does the odd bit of story editing, and feeds people. She has also sprinkled numerous enchanting turns of phrase like pixie dust on these pages. She is also a graduate student in literature. If you ask nicely, Ariane might translate the Darwin Awards into Latin. Really! www.DarwinAwards.com/contact/ariane

Robert Adler (author of "s.e.x on the Brain") is a freelance science and technology writer who divides his time between Santa Rosa, California, and Oaxaca, Mexico. With a lifelong interest in science, an undergraduate degree in physics and mathematics, a PhD in psychology, and many years as a clinical and neuropsychologist, he's been lucky enough to have the opportunity to write about a surprising range of topics, from the Big Bang and black holes to multiple personalities and how to predict failed states. He's the author of hundreds of science and technology news and feature storiesplus three books, mostrecently (author of "s.e.x on the Brain") is a freelance science and technology writer who divides his time between Santa Rosa, California, and Oaxaca, Mexico. With a lifelong interest in science, an undergraduate degree in physics and mathematics, a PhD in psychology, and many years as a clinical and neuropsychologist, he's been lucky enough to have the opportunity to write about a surprising range of topics, from the Big Bang and black holes to multiple personalities and how to predict failed states. He's the author of hundreds of science and technology news and feature storiesplus three books, mostrecently Medical Firsts: From Hippocrates to the Human Genome Medical Firsts: From Hippocrates to the Human Genome (Wiley, 2004). He's thrilled to appear in the Darwin Awards as the still-living author of an essay, rather than-as his wife continues to predict-the honored but unfortunately deceased recipient of a Darwin Award. (Wiley, 2004). He's thrilled to appear in the Darwin Awards as the still-living author of an essay, rather than-as his wife continues to predict-the honored but unfortunately deceased recipient of a Darwin Award.

Ca.s.sandra Brooks (author of "Batty Behavior") grew up in the woods of New England, perpetually doing ecological experiments. She loved collecting little critters from the rivers, ponds, and tide pools, investigating under what conditions they lived or died (sorry, little water striders). She was equally fond of writing it all down in her journal and sharing with her sisters and friends. After completing a Master's in marine science, studying Antarctic toothfish-one of two species better known as "Chilean Sea Ba.s.s" ("Don't eat it!")-she went back to school for science writing, finally finding a way to merge science and outreach. Her essay, while outside her field of study, is a window into a topic she's long found fascinating. "Really, don't we all?" (author of "Batty Behavior") grew up in the woods of New England, perpetually doing ecological experiments. She loved collecting little critters from the rivers, ponds, and tide pools, investigating under what conditions they lived or died (sorry, little water striders). She was equally fond of writing it all down in her journal and sharing with her sisters and friends. After completing a Master's in marine science, studying Antarctic toothfish-one of two species better known as "Chilean Sea Ba.s.s" ("Don't eat it!")-she went back to school for science writing, finally finding a way to merge science and outreach. Her essay, while outside her field of study, is a window into a topic she's long found fascinating. "Really, don't we all?"

Alice Cas...o...b.. (author of "Why Bother with s.e.x?") is a 1995 graduate of the UCSC graduate program in science writing. Her mostly academic interest in the evolution of s.e.x was sparked by her 1988 BA thesis on that topic at Carleton College. After college, she spent several years exploring a variety of jobs in the life sciences-from sequencing oat DNA, to working as a veterinary a.s.sistant, to burning prairies for The Nature Conservancy. As of this spring, she is "all but revision" on an MS in Conservation Biology from the University of Minnesota. Before going freelance, she worked for five years at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, writing about conservation for their website and researching sustainable seafood for the Seafood Watch Program. Ecology and cooking have been two of her chief interests throughout life. When she is not writing, she enjoys mushroom hunting and organic gardening. She lives in Portland, Oregon, with her beloved husband and two Maine c.o.o.n cats. (author of "Why Bother with s.e.x?") is a 1995 graduate of the UCSC graduate program in science writing. Her mostly academic interest in the evolution of s.e.x was sparked by her 1988 BA thesis on that topic at Carleton College. After college, she spent several years exploring a variety of jobs in the life sciences-from sequencing oat DNA, to working as a veterinary a.s.sistant, to burning prairies for The Nature Conservancy. As of this spring, she is "all but revision" on an MS in Conservation Biology from the University of Minnesota. Before going freelance, she worked for five years at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, writing about conservation for their website and researching sustainable seafood for the Seafood Watch Program. Ecology and cooking have been two of her chief interests throughout life. When she is not writing, she enjoys mushroom hunting and organic gardening. She lives in Portland, Oregon, with her beloved husband and two Maine c.o.o.n cats.

Alison Davis (author of "RNAi: Interference by Mother Nature") is a proud banana slug alumna of the University of California, Santa Cruz Science Communication program. She has a PhD in pharmacology from Georgetown University and did postdoctoral research in developmental biology at Stanford. A lover of science and words, Alison feeds her pa.s.sions for both as a freelance writer covering Washington, D.C., where science and policy intrigue are in abundant supply. She lives near Baltimore with six males: one husband, two sons, two Australian cattle dogs, and a guinea pig. (author of "RNAi: Interference by Mother Nature") is a proud banana slug alumna of the University of California, Santa Cruz Science Communication program. She has a PhD in pharmacology from Georgetown University and did postdoctoral research in developmental biology at Stanford. A lover of science and words, Alison feeds her pa.s.sions for both as a freelance writer covering Washington, D.C., where science and policy intrigue are in abundant supply. She lives near Baltimore with six males: one husband, two sons, two Australian cattle dogs, and a guinea pig.

Jennie Dusheck (author of "The Reproductive Lottery") is a freelance science writer and author of an award-winning college-level general biology textbook, with degrees in ecology and zoology. She lives in Santa Cruz, California, with her family. "My two teenage sons are big fans." Her past research life includes pursuits as disparate as a.n.a.lyzing the diets of free-range dairy cattle (by looking at the stomach contents of cows) to writing the protocol for a NASA s.p.a.ce Shuttle experiment that sent frog embryos into s.p.a.ce. Now living on semirural property, she spends a lot of time thinking about drainage. Her essay, which could not be included in this book due to s.p.a.ce limitation, can be found at (author of "The Reproductive Lottery") is a freelance science writer and author of an award-winning college-level general biology textbook, with degrees in ecology and zoology. She lives in Santa Cruz, California, with her family. "My two teenage sons are big fans." Her past research life includes pursuits as disparate as a.n.a.lyzing the diets of free-range dairy cattle (by looking at the stomach contents of cows) to writing the protocol for a NASA s.p.a.ce Shuttle experiment that sent frog embryos into s.p.a.ce. Now living on semirural property, she spends a lot of time thinking about drainage. Her essay, which could not be included in this book due to s.p.a.ce limitation, can be found at www.DarwinAwards.com/science/lottery.html

After receiving an astrophysics degree, Adam Mann Adam Mann (author of "Quorum Sensing: Secret Language of Bacteria") joined the science writing program at UC Santa Cruz. He finds that contemplating both the cosmos and bacterial life on earth provides the same feeling: personal insignificance. He enjoys music, language, technology, and fine cheeses. (author of "Quorum Sensing: Secret Language of Bacteria") joined the science writing program at UC Santa Cruz. He finds that contemplating both the cosmos and bacterial life on earth provides the same feeling: personal insignificance. He enjoys music, language, technology, and fine cheeses.

Jane Palmer (author of "Rapid Evolution") is a transplant from England who has a doctorate in computational molecular biology and a pa.s.sion for climbing rocks. She lives in Boulder, Colorado, with her Scottish husband, Gareth, and her American daughter, Iona. They spend endless hours arguing over who belongs to the superior race. Iona always wins despite her small skull. (author of "Rapid Evolution") is a transplant from England who has a doctorate in computational molecular biology and a pa.s.sion for climbing rocks. She lives in Boulder, Colorado, with her Scottish husband, Gareth, and her American daughter, Iona. They spend endless hours arguing over who belongs to the superior race. Iona always wins despite her small skull.

Stephanie Pappas (author of "Left Behind: Vestigial Structures") is a freelance science writer. She has a degree in psychology from the University of South Carolina and a certificate in science communication from the University of California, Santa Cruz, both inst.i.tutions known for their dignified mascots (a chicken and a slug, respectively). Her favorite subjects to write about are brains, cephalopods, mummies, and medicine; one day, she'll write an article about the medical implications of a mummified cephalopod brain and retire happy. Stephanie lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband and two (author of "Left Behind: Vestigial Structures") is a freelance science writer. She has a degree in psychology from the University of South Carolina and a certificate in science communication from the University of California, Santa Cruz, both inst.i.tutions known for their dignified mascots (a chicken and a slug, respectively). Her favorite subjects to write about are brains, cephalopods, mummies, and medicine; one day, she'll write an article about the medical implications of a mummified cephalopod brain and retire happy. Stephanie lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband and two very demanding very demanding guinea pigs. guinea pigs.

Kristin Sainani (author of "DNA Fossils: The Evolution of HIV") is a freelance science writer and a health columnist for (author of "DNA Fossils: The Evolution of HIV") is a freelance science writer and a health columnist for Allure Allure magazine. She is also a clinical a.s.sistant professor at Stanford University, where she teaches doctors how to write clearly and use statistics wisely. She enjoys long-distance running and hanging out with her husband and toddler. magazine. She is also a clinical a.s.sistant professor at Stanford University, where she teaches doctors how to write clearly and use statistics wisely. She enjoys long-distance running and hanging out with her husband and toddler.

Chandra Shekhar (author of "Evolving Cancer") turned to a career in writing after more than a decade as a scientist, and later as an entrepreneur. Although he is trained in computer science and engineering, Chandra ends up writing mostly about the life sciences. He enjoys reading Somerset Maugham, P. G. Wodehouse, Jane Austen, and other British writers, and fantasizes about writing a best-selling novel. (author of "Evolving Cancer") turned to a career in writing after more than a decade as a scientist, and later as an entrepreneur. Although he is trained in computer science and engineering, Chandra ends up writing mostly about the life sciences. He enjoys reading Somerset Maugham, P. G. Wodehouse, Jane Austen, and other British writers, and fantasizes about writing a best-selling novel.

Mike Wall (author of "The Mystery of Super-toxic Snake Venoms") has been both a science writer and a scientist, with research interests in snake and lizard evolution and the conservation of reptiles and amphibians. He has chased down, grabbed, and been bitten by many squirmy, scaly creatures-but nothing nearly as scary as a mamba. (author of "The Mystery of Super-toxic Snake Venoms") has been both a science writer and a scientist, with research interests in snake and lizard evolution and the conservation of reptiles and amphibians. He has chased down, grabbed, and been bitten by many squirmy, scaly creatures-but nothing nearly as scary as a mamba.

The Darwin Awards website was born on a Stanford University web-server in 1994. Its cynical view of the human species made it a favorite speaker in cla.s.srooms, offices, and pubs around the world. The website won dozens of Internet awards, and now ranks among the top ten thousand most-visited websites. It currently entertains a million visitors per month in its comfortable Santa Cruz home. The Darwin Awards hosts a community of free thinkers who enjoy philosophical, political, and scientific conversations. Guests are welcome to launch fireworks, bounce on the trampoline, and spin a flaming hula hoop. website was born on a Stanford University web-server in 1994. Its cynical view of the human species made it a favorite speaker in cla.s.srooms, offices, and pubs around the world. The website won dozens of Internet awards, and now ranks among the top ten thousand most-visited websites. It currently entertains a million visitors per month in its comfortable Santa Cruz home. The Darwin Awards hosts a community of free thinkers who enjoy philosophical, political, and scientific conversations. Guests are welcome to launch fireworks, bounce on the trampoline, and spin a flaming hula hoop.