The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction Part 17

10 DECEMBER 2009, PHILIPPINES This small island nation has already produced several of the most ill.u.s.trious Darwin Award winners. In 1999, National Bureau of Investigation agents snuffed their candles when they sneaked a smoke in a room full of seized explosives. In 2000, an airplane hijacker robbed pa.s.sengers then bailed out with an untested homemade parachute. Talk about drop-dead funny! Now the Philippines have produced that rare oddity, the Double Darwin Award.

We begin with Francisco C. and Ronaldo C., two businessmen who own restaurants adjacent to each other on Apacible Boulevard in Batangas. One has partially blocked the door to the other's establishment, and this does not sit well. Tempers erupt. Heated words are exchanged; a fistfight breaks out! But bystanders pacify the fighters, and the situation is defused.

Or is it? Each man retreats to his respective car, pulls out a gun, and shoots the other-killing both combatants. Francisco, forty-one, suffered two bullet wounds to his chest; Ronaldo, thirty-nine, was shot once beneath his arm. Francisco and Ronaldo: Two enemies brought together in death-much to their own chagrin.

Reference: abs-cbnnews.com [image]

[image]

Double Darwin Award Winner: Crushing Debt Confirmed by Darwin Featuring criminals, explosions, and a double Darwin!

26 SEPTEMBER 2009, BELGIUM The city of Dinant is the backdrop for this rare Double Darwin Award. Two bank robbers attempting to make a sizeable withdrawal from an ATM died when they overestimated overestimated the quant.i.ty of dynamite needed for the explosion. The blast demolished the ATM, and the entire building the bank was housed in. n.o.body else was in the building at the time of the attack. the quant.i.ty of dynamite needed for the explosion. The blast demolished the ATM, and the entire building the bank was housed in. n.o.body else was in the building at the time of the attack.

Robber #1 was rushed to the hospital with severe skull trauma; he died shortly after arrival. Investigators initially believed that his accomplice had managed a getaway, but the second bungler's body was excavated from the debris twelve hours later.

Two bank robbers overestimated overestimated the quant.i.ty of dynamite needed to crack the ATM. the quant.i.ty of dynamite needed to crack the ATM.

Would-be Robbers 1 and 2 weren't exactly impoverished-their getaway car was a BMW.

Reference: Le Soir Le Soir-lesoir.be, De Standaard De Standaard-standaard.be, deredactie.be, nu.nl, demorgen.be [image]

[image]

Reader Comments

"Dynamite: not for everything."

"Less is certainly more."

"They certainly thought BIG."

"A debit card would have been safer."

"They really blew it . . ."

WEIRD SCIENCE: DARWINTUNESAn Evolutionary Idea in Music.Using an "evolutionary algorithm" and the ears of the general public, DarwinTunes has been evolving a four-bar loop that began as a primordial auditory soup. After two-hundred-plus generations, the musical track is sounding pretty good. Project leaders recently upped the maximum genome size, and they seek your help.The DarwinTunes Experiment Needs You!www.darwintunes.orgEvolve the Music.

Double Darwin Award Winner: Low-Flying Drunks Unconfirmed Featuring airplanes, alcohol, and a double Darwin!

1996, CANADA Sleeping residents of Chilliwack were awakened early one morning by the sound of a small aircraft flying lower than usual. The engine sounded like a mosquito, zooming too close too quick, then veering away. What the bleep was going on?

During a bout of heavy drinking that lasted into the wee hours of the morning, two future Darwin Award winners had realized that although neither one had a pilot's license nor flight training, they nevertheless knew all they needed to know to pilot an aircraft. Furthermore, one of the gentlemen worked at the small local airport and had access to the tarmac.

They drew the obvious conclusion and decided to take a plane for a drunken joyride over the city. They invited two females along for the ride; fortunately the level-headed ladies declined.

From idea to execution, the plan evolved quickly. The airport employee unlocked locked gates; once on the tarmac, the two then managed to break into a small plane, taxi to the runway, and get it off the ground and into the sky. They buzzed around in the dark, skimming above the roofs of the houses, and no doubt exchanging a few gleeful high-fives. This random aerial activity went on for an extended period of time.

Eventually their bladders began to complain, but they no longer remembered how to find the airport . Disoriented, they attempted to land on the gra.s.sy median between east- and westbound lanes of the Trans-Canada Highway and almost almost made it under the electrical wires that cross the median. made it under the electrical wires that cross the median.

[image]

[image]

Where these wires were concerned, fate was not kind.

The tail of the aircraft clipped the wires and the plane took a nose-dive. Instead of making a soft landing on the gra.s.sy verge, it greeted the ground with enthusiasm, killing both occupants. Only then were the sleepy Chilliwack residents able to return to their interrupted dreams.

Reference: Chilliwack Progress Chilliwack Progress newspaper, edition unknown. newspaper, edition unknown.

[image]

At-Risk Survivors: Putting the Pain in Propane Confirmed by Reliable Eyewitness Featuring alcohol, fire, gas, and explosions!

"You gotta see this."

DECEMBER 2008, FLORIDA An engine company sent a request for the Jacksonville Fire and Rescue Department to extinguish a routine trash fire. The District Chief for the fire department said, "The lieutenant said, 'You gotta see this.'" Everyone wanted to share a piece of the action. An intoxicated group of men had decided that throwing paint cans into their fifty-five-gallon drum fire was fun, but not fun enough. They escalated the excitement by tossing in not one, but three twenty-pound propane cylinders.

The fun went south when one cylinder violently vented toward an unfortunate reveler. We cannot reveal the patient's name due to HIPAA laws, but he was transported to a burn unit for attention to his "party favors." The gene pool is still at risk from these rocket scientists, as the close call was not fatal.

Everyone wanted to share a piece of the action.

Reference: A medic acting as District Chief in the incident According to the District Chief, partially empty propane cylinders are actually more dangerous than full ones because they cannot absorb as much heat prior to venting or exploding.

[image]

[image]

At-Risk Survivors: Agua Ski Calamity Unconfirmed Personal Account Featuring water, alcohol, do-it-yourself ingenuity, and a boat

29 DECEMBER 2009, MEXICO Sun, sea, sand, well-built hombres in small bathing suits, tropical drinks-Mazatlan is everything you could wish for on a long No -Freakin'-Snow! winter holiday. Boats are rented, sunscreen slathered on, rum-related judgment-impairing drinks poured, what could possibly go sideways?

Enter Oscar, thirty-four, Scooter, twenty-two, and their fifty-eight-year-old mom, Taffy. Their favorite warm-weather activity is water skiing, especially after the consumption of two or three drinks with paper umbrellas. If the Olympics makes Near-Death Experience a medal event, these three will clean up.

The lack of a tow rope vexed the colorful trio until one child of Bacchus recruited the others to execute a plan to MAKE TOW ROPE so they could go skiing. The ingredients for this makeshift replacement were deep-sea fishing line, the patience to braid fifty yards of doom-in-the-making, and a handle to affix to the rope. Taffy's always up for sacrificing her bikini top for a good cause, so that was the tow rope handle.

[image]

It was like watching a train wreck unfold. The boat engine revved, Taffy jumped in, Leo was at the wheel. Scooter put on the water skis, bobbed into position, and shouted, "Hit it!" The boat reached warp nine before the braided line suffered what NASA would call a catastrophic failure, snapping in half somewhere along its length, coming apart at the bikini handle, the hitch, and Poseidon only knows where else.

Out-of-control Scooter was sent flying over a low boat ramp and into the open hold of a fishing boat. A highly irate Mexican fisherman threw him and his skis back overboard. Taffy got spanked with fishing line lashes across her back, and Leo narrowly missed plowing into a tourist boat due to the combination of excess speed and sudden loss of drag.

Turns out, tickets for "disturbing the peace" and "public drunkenness" add up to $130 in fines and a good scolding from the judge, who pointed out the obvious at length: This could have been tragic, Scooter could have broken his neck, and Leo could have sunk a tourist boat that was chock-full of little kids.

As for me, this year I'm gonna stay home and shovel the driveway.

Reference: blrqul of Ogden, Utah

CHAPTER 0.

FAQ: YOU ASK, WE TELL.

What are the Darwin Awards? * Who can win one? What are the rules? * Is there an actual, physical Darwin Award? * Are any winners alive? * Where do you get your stories? * How do you confirm the stories? * Have you ever been wrong? * How many submissions do you get? * Are the winners decided by vote? * Why aren't these these buckets of testosterone on your list? * Who writes the great Science essays? * Why are Science essays in a humor book? * What is the history of this dubious distinction? * The Darwin Awards are written by . . . a woman!? * What do the families think? * I have kids. Am I safe? * Are humans really evolving? * Isn't there something beautiful about moronic creativity? * Why so many men? * Why do we laugh at death? * What inspired you to do this? * What are your aspirations? * How many stories? How many books? How many more? * Are you making a movie, musical, or TV show? * Do you drive while using a cell phone? * What were those Five (5) Rules, again? buckets of testosterone on your list? * Who writes the great Science essays? * Why are Science essays in a humor book? * What is the history of this dubious distinction? * The Darwin Awards are written by . . . a woman!? * What do the families think? * I have kids. Am I safe? * Are humans really evolving? * Isn't there something beautiful about moronic creativity? * Why so many men? * Why do we laugh at death? * What inspired you to do this? * What are your aspirations? * How many stories? How many books? How many more? * Are you making a movie, musical, or TV show? * Do you drive while using a cell phone? * What were those Five (5) Rules, again?

[image]

[image]

FAQ: What are the Darwin Awards?

Darwin Awards: A Chronicle of Enterprising Demises Heroic service to humanity deserves recognition and respect. To that end, we have created the Darwin Award, named for evolutionary theorist Charles Darwin, to honor those who willingly sacrifice their own lives to the process of natural selection. The Darwin Awards recognize individuals who ensure the long-term survival of the human race by removing themselves from it in a sublimely idiotic fashion, thereby ensuring that future generations are descended from one less idiot.

Darwin Awards: Improving the Human Race One Idiot at a Time This tongue-in-cheek award is based on the premise that the human species is still evolving, and we see this every time someone manages to kill himself in a really clueless way. An unfortunate loss to be sure, but observe that the human race just got This tongue-in-cheek award is based on the premise that the human species is still evolving, and we see this every time someone manages to kill himself in a really clueless way. An unfortunate loss to be sure, but observe that the human race just got smarter smarter by one idiot. Charles Darwin would call that evolution. by one idiot. Charles Darwin would call that evolution.

Here's a toast to you, sir, for your n.o.ble self-sacrifice.

-Wendy

The Darwin Awards are not legends. They are true, and that is what makes them so fascinating.

[image]

FAQ: Who can win one? What are the rules?

Wendy debated philosophy with readers and fans concerning the merits of specific nominees such as wrestler Owen Hart and the Shaker cult that forbade s.e.x, and philosophical concerns such as identical twins, age, inbreeding, etc. These conversations distilled down to Five Simple Rules: 1. Death.2. Excellence.3. Self-selection.4. Maturity.5. Veracity.

To win a Darwin Award, an adult adult must eliminate must eliminate himself himself from the from the gene pool gene pool in an in an astonishingly astonishingly stupid way that is verifiably stupid way that is verifiably true true.

1. Death: Out of the gene pool! Death: Out of the gene pool! The winner proves he is a reproductive dead end by rendering himself deceased-or, more happily, alive though incapable of reproducing. Sheer stupidity is not enough. If someone, somewhere, somehow manages to survive an incredibly stupid feat, those genes ipso facto have something to offer in the way of luck, agility, or stamina-and therefore the perpetrator is not eligible for a Darwin Award. The winner proves he is a reproductive dead end by rendering himself deceased-or, more happily, alive though incapable of reproducing. Sheer stupidity is not enough. If someone, somewhere, somehow manages to survive an incredibly stupid feat, those genes ipso facto have something to offer in the way of luck, agility, or stamina-and therefore the perpetrator is not eligible for a Darwin Award.2. Excellence. Excellence. The true Darwin Award winner exhibits a staggering lack of judgment. The final fatal act is of truly phenomenal, pots-of-gold magnitude, like playing with electric wires while standing in the Jacuzzi (p. 179). The Darwin Award winner overlooks risks that are seemingly The true Darwin Award winner exhibits a staggering lack of judgment. The final fatal act is of truly phenomenal, pots-of-gold magnitude, like playing with electric wires while standing in the Jacuzzi (p. 179). The Darwin Award winner overlooks risks that are seemingly impossible impossible to overlook. Shooting at dynamite (p. 146), anchoring your boat with a bomb (p. 151), surfing during a hurricane (p. 223). . . all you can say is, to overlook. Shooting at dynamite (p. 146), anchoring your boat with a bomb (p. 151), surfing during a hurricane (p. 223). . . all you can say is, "What were they thinking?" "What were they thinking?"3. Self-selection: The candidate causes his own demise. Self-selection: The candidate causes his own demise. n.o.body can give you a Darwin Award. You must earn it yourself by showing self-evident inept.i.tude for survival. A hiker hit by a falling tree is merely a victim of circ.u.mstance. But if you n.o.body can give you a Darwin Award. You must earn it yourself by showing self-evident inept.i.tude for survival. A hiker hit by a falling tree is merely a victim of circ.u.mstance. But if you roped that tree roped that tree and pulled it over on yourself. . . you are a candidate for a Darwin Award. (p. 232) and pulled it over on yourself. . . you are a candidate for a Darwin Award. (p. 232)If you intentionally try to win, you are disqualified. We wish to discourage risk-taking behavior, whereas giving publicity to people attempting foolhardy stunts will only encourage them. Most extreme sports accidents are also rejected, because that person made an intentional choice that the risk was worth the reward. whereas giving publicity to people attempting foolhardy stunts will only encourage them. Most extreme sports accidents are also rejected, because that person made an intentional choice that the risk was worth the reward. Not every action that is risky, is stupid. Not every action that is risky, is stupid.4. Maturity: Maturity: Those who are young or lack intellect Those who are young or lack intellect are not eligible. are not eligible.[image] Those who lack maturity of age or intellect Those who lack maturity of age or intellect are not eligible are not eligible for an Award. A child does not possess sufficient experience to make life-or-death decisions nor are juvenile neurons fully wired, so the responsibility for the child's safety resides with his guardians. for an Award. A child does not possess sufficient experience to make life-or-death decisions nor are juvenile neurons fully wired, so the responsibility for the child's safety resides with his guardians. Age sixteen is our rule of thumb. Age sixteen is our rule of thumb. Some readers (particularly young adults) argue that children Some readers (particularly young adults) argue that children should should be eligible to win, but frankly, we just don't think the death of a youth is funny. Similarly the downfall of a person with mental handicaps (such as age-related cognitive impairment) is not amusing. We prefer to laugh at those who should have seen it coming. be eligible to win, but frankly, we just don't think the death of a youth is funny. Similarly the downfall of a person with mental handicaps (such as age-related cognitive impairment) is not amusing. We prefer to laugh at those who should have seen it coming.[image]THIS BOOK features both Darwin Awards and At-Risk Survivors.At-Risk Survivors are just that: People who narrowly escaped a near-death experience. Many are personal accounts-explained by the self-same idiot who planned and survived it the self-same idiot who planned and survived it-which certainly serve as sobering tales!5. Veracity: The event is true. Veracity: The event is true. Truth is stranger-and funnier-than fiction. Truth is stranger-and funnier-than fiction. We rely on reputable news organizations, responsible eyewitnesses (emergency responders, utility company employees, monks), and whenever possible, multiple independent sources. We also recommend the use of a bulls.h.i.t radar and a quick reality check at Snopes or Google. We rely on reputable news organizations, responsible eyewitnesses (emergency responders, utility company employees, monks), and whenever possible, multiple independent sources. We also recommend the use of a bulls.h.i.t radar and a quick reality check at Snopes or Google.

FAQ: Is there an actual, physical Darwin Award?

It would be great if there was an actual Darwin Award! But who would we give it to? And what would it be? A bust of Charles Darwin? A herd of dodo birds? A small, personalized tombstone? A beagle? A disintegrating strand of DNA? Someday there will be an actual, physical Darwin Award that you can give to a boneheaded friend as a warning. Until then, simply appreciate the abstract beauty of the ethereal Darwin Award.

FAQ: Are any winners alive?

Yes, an occasional foolish mortal accepts the prize in person. You see, Darwin Award winners are (whistle) out of the gene pool-but not necessarily dead! The lucky few who survive amorous encounters with a vacuum cleaner, a gla.s.s vase (p. 83, "SINGLE BUD VASE"), a porcupine or park bench (p. 79, "BENCH PR ESS" )-examples chosen at random-these "lucky" few lose their ability to procreate and are dead to the next generation, yet alive to collect the trophy.

We also chronicle those who deserve honorable mentions for surviving not-quite-fatal incidents-through no fault of their own. At-Risk Survivors stop short of making the ultimate sacrifice but embody the valiant and creative spirit of a true Darwin Award contender.

Don't stand too close to an At-Risk Survivor!

FAQ: Where do you get your stories?

From you!

Every Darwin Award begins as a website submission. Nominations come from around the world, and moderators review the latest self-annihilations while chanting the Rules: "Death. Excellence. Self-selection. Maturity. Veracity."

[image]

Readers rate the Slush stories on a 1-10 scale, and we review those with the highest vote, referring to the Five Rules, moderator comments, and our own intuition when deciding if a story should make the cut. Five to ten submissions per month are deemed ludicrous enough to become a Darwin Award. a.s.sisted by snarky reader comments, Wendy turns dry news reports into amusing (but factual) vignettes, and they go forth into the public arena.

[image]

Potential Darwin Award? At-Risk Survivor?

The best submissions land in the Slush Pile: www.DarwinAwards.com/slush But that's not the end of the process! Actually it's a new beginning. 14 14 The Darwin Awards website reaches one million visitors each month, and on average, each story is read twenty thousand times a month! With this vast audience, we hear about mistakes. Corrections, confirmations, and snarky comments are added to the stories continually. They are updated and sometimes disqualified based on community comments. The Darwin Awards website reaches one million visitors each month, and on average, each story is read twenty thousand times a month! With this vast audience, we hear about mistakes. Corrections, confirmations, and snarky comments are added to the stories continually. They are updated and sometimes disqualified based on community comments.

The stories herein have been scrutinized and vetted, and they are accurate to the best of our knowledge at press time. But due to the dynamic processes described above, they are not guaranteed not guaranteed to be entirely accurate. They are a snapshot of the state of human evolution at the time of this writing. to be entirely accurate. They are a snapshot of the state of human evolution at the time of this writing.

As you read the tales we bring you, keep in mind the care with which each gem was culled from dozens of compet.i.tors and honed to its current form. (: FAQ: How do you confirm the stories?

The words Confirmed by Darwin Confirmed by Darwin indicate that a story is backed up by reputable media sources, plausible eyewitnesses such as emergency responders, or multiple independent eyewitness accounts. You can find the original reports on the Darwin Awards website, linked from the bottom of each story's webpage. indicate that a story is backed up by reputable media sources, plausible eyewitnesses such as emergency responders, or multiple independent eyewitness accounts. You can find the original reports on the Darwin Awards website, linked from the bottom of each story's webpage.

All the stories are believed to be true. We may gloss over grimy bits and change the names of survivors, but we include every detail about the perpetrator, his motivation, and his methods. Sometimes supporting doc.u.mentation is insufficient to confirm. Instead of tossing away a perfectly good cautionary tale, we label it UNCONFIRMED and seek additional verification. Often-surprisingly often-readers e-mail the details and confirmation needed. We may gloss over grimy bits and change the names of survivors, but we include every detail about the perpetrator, his motivation, and his methods. Sometimes supporting doc.u.mentation is insufficient to confirm. Instead of tossing away a perfectly good cautionary tale, we label it UNCONFIRMED and seek additional verification. Often-surprisingly often-readers e-mail the details and confirmation needed.