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Shelaughed."Allright.What'sthenameofthedoctor?"
Itoldher,andalsotoldherI'dtelephonethedoctormyself,toexplainthe backgroundandverifyDominic'sneed.
"You'reapoppet,"Alessiasaid.
"Oh,sure.Whatwasityousaidaboutgoingracing?"
"Irodeoutwiththestringtodayandyesterday,andIcan'tunderstandwhyI didn'tdoitsooner.I'mridingworkforMikeNolandtomorrow,andhesaysif I'mfitandO.K.he'llgivemearidenextweekatSalisbury."
"Salisbury...races?"Isaid.
"Yes,ofcourse."
"And,um,doyouwantanaudience?"
"Yes,Ido."
"You'vegot.i.t."
Shesaidgoodbyehappilyandintheeveningrangmeathomeinmyapartment.
"It'sallfixed,"shesaid."Mirandasaidyourdoctorsoundedadarling,and she'stakingDominictherefirstthingtomorrow.Thenshe'scomingstraightdown heretoLambourn.I'vegotheraroominacottageownedbyaretirednanny,who Iwenttosee,andwho'spleasedwiththewholeidea,andJohnraisedno objections,absolutelythecontrary,he'spayingforeverything."
"Terrific,"Isaid,withadmiration.
"AndPopsywantsyoudownagain.AndsodoesMiranda.AndsodoI."
"Igivein,then.When?"
"Soonasyoucan."
Iwentonthefollowingdayandalsotwicemoreduringthefollowingweek.
Dominicsleptbetterbecauseofamildliquidsleepingdraughtinhisnightly bottleofmilkandprogressedtoeatingchocolatedropsand,later,mashed bananas.Theex-nannypatientlytookawayrejectedscrambledeggsandfussed overMirandainawaywhichwouldhavewornmynervesthinbutinthat love-deprivedgirlproducedagratefuldependency.
Alessiaspentmuchofeverydaywiththem,goingforwalks,shoppinginthe village,allofthemlunchingmostdayswithPopsy,sunbathinginthecottage garden.
"You'reacleverclogs,aren'tyou?"Popsysaidtomeonmythirdvisit.
"Howdoyoumean?"
"GivingAlessiasomethingsoworthwhiletodo."
"Itwasaccidental,really."
"Andencouraged."
Igrinnedather."Shelooksgreat,doesn'tshe?"
"Marvellous.Ikeepthinkingaboutthosefirstdayswhenshewa.s.sodeathlypale andshaky.She'sjustaboutbacktoheroldselfnow."
"Ha.s.shedrivenanywhereyet,onherown?"
Popsyglancedatme."No.Notyet."
"Onedayshewill."
"Andthen?"
"Thenshe'llfly...away."
IheardinmyvoicewhatIhadn'tintendedorexpectedtobethere:arawsense ofloss.Itwasallverywellmendingbirds'brokenwings.Theycouldtakeyour heartoffwiththemwhenyousetthemfree.
Shewouldn'tneedme,I'dalwaysknownit,onceherownsnowstormhadsettled.I couldhavetried,Isupposed,toturnherdependenceonmeintoaloveaffair, but.i.twouldhavebeenstupid;crueltoher,unsatisfactorytome.Sheneededto growsafelybacktoindependenceandItofindastrongandequalpartner.The clingingwiththeclung-towasn'tagoodpropositionforlong-termsuccess.
WewereallatthatmomentoutinPopsy'syard,withAlessiatakingMiranda slowlyroundandtellingherabouteachhorseastheycametoit.Dominicby thenhaddevelopedenoughconfidencetostandontheground,thoughhehungon toMiranda'sclothespermanentlywithonehandandneededliftingtoherhipat theapproachofanystranger.Hehadstillnotsaidanythingelse,butdayby day,asthefrightlevelslowlydeclined,itbecamemorelikelythathesoon would.
PopsyandIstrolledbehindthetwogirlsandonanimpulseIsquatteddownto Dominic'sheightandsaid,"Wouldyoulikearideonmyshoulders?"
MirandaencouraginglysweptupDominicandperchedhimonmewithonelegpast eachear.
"HoldontoAndrew'shair,"Alessiasaid,andIfeltthelittlefingersgripping asIstoodupright.
Icouldn'tseeDominic'sface,buteveryoneelsewa.s.smiling,soIsimplyset offveryslowlypasttheboxes,sohecouldseetheinmatesoverthehalf-doors.
"Lovelyhorses,"Mirandasaid,halfanxiously."Bighorses,darling,look."
WefinishedthetouroftheyardinthatfashionandwhenIliftedDominicdown hestretcheduphisarmstogoupagain.Ihoistedhimontomyleftarm,myface levelwithhis."You'reagoodlittleboy,"Isaid.
Hetuckedhisheaddowntomyneckashe'ddonesooftenwithMiranda,andinto myreceptiveearhebreathedoneveryquietword,"Andrew."
"That'sright,"Isaid,equallyquietly,"andwho'sthat?"IpointedatMiranda.
"Mummy."Thesyllablesweren'tmuchmorethanawhisper,butquiteclear.
"Andthat?"Isaid.
"Lessia."
"Andthat?"
"Popsy."
"Verygood."Iwalkedafewstepswithhimawayfromtheothers.Heseemed unalarmed.Isaidinanormalvoice,"Whatwouldyoulikefortea?"
Therewasafairlylongpause;thenhesaid"Chocolate,"stillquietly.
"Good.Youshallhavesome.You'reaverygoodboy."
Icarriedhimfurtheraway.Helookedbackonlyonceortwicetocheckthat Mirandawa.s.stillinsight,andIreckonedthattheworstofhistroubleswere over.Nightmareshewouldhave,andboutsofdesperateinsecurity,b.u.t.thebig firststepshadbeentaken,andmyjobtheretoowasalmostdone.
"Howoldareyou,Dominic?"Iasked.
Hethoughtabit."Three,"hesaid,moreaudibly.
"Whatdoyouliketoplaywith?"
Apause."Car."
"Whatsortofcar?"
Hesang"Dee-dahdee-dahdee-dah"intomyearveryclearlyontwonotes,an exactimitationofapolicecar'ssiren.Ilaughedandhuggedhim."You'lldo,"
Isaid.
Alessia'sreturntorace-ridingwasinsomerespectsunpromisinga.s.shecame backwhite-facedafterfinishinglast.
Theraceitself,afive-furlongsprintfortwo-year-olds,hadseemedtometobe overinaflash.Hardlyhadshecantereddowntothestart,abentfigurein shiningredsilks,thanthefieldofeighteenwereloadedintothestallsand setrunning.Theredsilkshadshownbrieflyandbeenswamped,smotheredbya rainbowwavewhichleftthemslowinginthewake.Thejockeysatbackontoher saddlethemomentshepa.s.sedthewinningpost,stoppinghermounttoawalkin veryfewstrides.
Iwenttowhereallexceptthefirstfourfinisherswerebeingdismounted,where glum-facedlittlegroupsofownersandtrainerslistenedtotaleaftertaleof woeanddisasterfromimpersonaljockeyswhosemindswerealreadyonthefuture.
Iheards.n.a.t.c.hesofwhattheyweresayingwhileIwaitedun.o.btrusivelyfor Alessia.
"Wouldn'tquickenwhenIaskedhim..."
"Couldn'tactonthegoing..."
"Gotb.u.mped...shutin...squeezedout."
"Stillababy..."
"Hangingtotheleft..."
MikeNoland,withoutaccompanyingowners,noncommittallywatchedAlessia approaching,thenpattedhishorse'sneckandcriticallyinspecteditslegs.
Alessiastruggledtoundothebucklesonthegirths,aserviceNolandfinally performedforher,andallIheardhersaytohimwas"Thanks...Sorry,"whichhe receivedwithanodandapatontheshoulder:andthatseemedtobethat.
Alessiadidn'tspotmestandingthereandhurriedawaytowardstheweighing room;anditwasagoodtwentyminutesbeforesheemerged.
Shestilllookedpale.Alsostrained,thin,shaky,andmiserable.
"Hi,"Isaid.
Sheturnedherheadandstoppedwalking.Managedasmile."h.e.l.lo."
"What'sthematter?"Isaid.
"Yousaw."
"Isawthatthehorsewasn'tfastenough."
"YousawthateverytalentIusedtohaveisn'tthereanymore."
Ishookmyhead."Youwouldn'texpectaprimaballerinatogivetheperformance ofalifetimeifshe'dbeenawayfromdancingforthreemonths."
"Thisisdifferent."
"No.Youexpectedtoomuch.Don'tbeso...socrueltoyourself."
Shegazedatmeforawhileandthenlookedaway,searchingforanotherface.
"HaveyouseenMikeNolandanywhere?"shesaid.
"Notsincejustaftertherace."
"He'llbefurious."Shesoundeddesolate."He'llnevergivemeanotherchance."
"Didheexpecthishorsetowin?"Iasked."Itstartedatabouttwelvetoone.
Nowherenearfavorite."
Herattentioncamebacktomyfacewithanotherflickeringsmile."Ididn'tknow youbetted."
"Ididn't.Idon't.Ijustlookedatthebookies'boards,outofinterest."
ShehadcomefromLambournwithMikeNoland,andIhaddrivenfromLondon.When I'dtalkedtoherbeforeshewenttochangefortheraceshe'dbeennervously expectant:eyeswide,cheekspink,fullofsmallmovementsandhalfsmiles, wantingamiracle.
"Ifeltsickintheparadering,"shesaid."I'veneverbeenlikethatbefore."
"Butyoudidn'tactuallyvomit..."
"Well,no."
"Howaboutadrink?"Isuggested."Orahugesandwich?"
"Fattening,"shesaidautomatically,andInoddedandtookherarm.
"Jockeyswhosetalentshavevanishedintothinaircaneatallthesandwiches theywant,"Isaid.
Shepulledherarmawayandsaidinexasperation,"You...Youalwaysmakepeople seethingsstraight.Allright.I'lladmit.i.t.Noteveryvestigeoftalentis missing,butImadearottenshowing.Andwe'llgoandhavea...asmallsandwich, ifyoulike."
Someofthebluesweredispersedoverthefood,butnotall,andIknewtoo littleaboutracingtojudgewhetherheropinionofherselfwasfair.She'd lookedfinetome,b.u.t.thensowouldalmostanyonehavedonewhocouldstandin thestirrupswhilehalfatonofthoroughbredthunderedforwardatoverthirty milesanhour.
"MikedidsaysomethingonthewayhereaboutgivingmearideatSandownnext weekifeverythingwasO.K.today,andIdon'tsupposehewill,now."
"Wouldyoumindverymuch?"
"Yes,ofcourse,"shesaidpa.s.sionately."OfcourseI'dmind."Sheheardboth theconvictionandthecommitmentinhervoice,andsodidI.Herheadgrew still,hereyesbecamemorepeaceful,andhervoice,whenshespokeagain,was lowerinpitch."Yes,I'dmind.AndthatmeansIstillwanttobeajockeymore thananythingonearth.ItmeansthatI'vegottoworkhardertogetback.It meansthatImustputtheselastthreemonthsbehindme,andgetonwith living."Shefinishedtheremainsofanotverygoodchickensandwichandsat backinherchairandsmiledatme."IfyoucometoSandown,I'lldobetter."
