The Cyberiad Part 12

Superst.i.tion must yield to knowledge, but this takes time. Consider the hunchback we spoke of earlier-there Ignorance is indeed Bliss, for he believes his hump fulfills some cosmic role in the great work of Creation. Telling him that it's actually the product of a molecular accident will only serve to make him despair. Better to straighten the hump in the first place..."

"Yes, of course!" Klapaucius exclaimed.

"We did that too. My grandfather once straightened three hundred hunchbacks with a wave of the hand. And how he regretted it afterwards!"

"Why?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Why? One hundred and twelve of them were imme-diately boiled in oil, their sudden and miraculous cure being taken for a sure sign that they'd sold their souls to the Devil; thirty, no longer exempt from conscription, were promptly called up and soon fell in various battles under various flags; seventeen straightway succ.u.mbed to the shock of their good fortune; and the remainder, since my esteemed grandfather saw fit to further bless them with great beauty of form, wasted away through an overindulgence in erotic activity-deprived of these pleasures for so long, you see, they now hurled themselves into every sort of debauchery, and in such a violent and unbridled fashion, that within two years not one was left among the living. Well, there was an exception... but it's hardly worth mentioning."

"Go on, let's hear it all!" cried Klapaucius, and I could tell that he was greatly troubled.

"If you insist... Two remained, actually. The first pre-sented himself before my grandfather and pleaded on bended knee for the return of his hump. It seems that as acripple he had lived comfortably enough on charity, but now had to work and was quite unaccustomed to it. What was worse, now that he was straightened, he kept b.u.mping his head on door lintels..."

"And the second?" asked Klapaucius.

"The second was a prince who had been denied succession to the throne on acount of his deformity. In light of its sudden correction, his stepmother, to insure her own son's position, had him poisoned..."

"I see... But still, you can work miracles, can't you?" said Klapaucius, despair in his voice.

"Bestowing happiness by miracle is highly risky," lectured the machine. "And who is to be the recipient of your miracle? An individual? But too much beauty undermines the marriage vows, too much knowledge leads to isolation, and too much wealth produces madness. No, I say, a thou-sand times no! Individuals it's impossible to make happy, and civilizations-civilizations are not to be tampered with, for each must go its own way, progressing naturally from one level of development to the next and having only itself to thank for all the good and evil that accrues thereby. For us, at the Highest Possible Level, there is nothing left to do in this Universe, and to create another Universe, in my opinion, would be in extremely poor taste. Really, what would be the point of it? To exalt ourselves? A monstrous idea! For the sake, then, of those yet to be created? But how are we obligated to beings who don't even exist? One can accomplish something only so long as one cannot accomplish everything. Otherwise it's best to sit back and watch... And now, if you'll kindly leave me in peace..."

"But wait!" I cried in alarm. "Surely there's something you can give us, some way to improve the quality of life, if only a little! Some way to lend a helping hand! Remem-ber the Golden Rule and Love Thy Neighbor!"

The machine sighed and said: "My words fall on deaf ears, as usual. I should have dismissed you to begin with, like we did the last time... Oh, very well then, here's a formula that hasn't been tried. No good will come of it, you'll see-but do with it what you will! All I wish now is to be left alone to meditate among my many theostats and deiodes..."

The voice faded away, the console lights dimmed, and we stood and read the card the machine had printed out for us. It went something like this: ALTRUIZINE. A metapsychotropic transmitting agent effective for all sentient h.o.m.oproteinates. The drug duplicates in others, within a radius of fifty yards, whatever sensations, emotions and mental states one may experience. Operates by telepathy, guaranteed however to respect one's privacy of thought. Has no effect on either robots or plants. The sender's feelings are amplified, the original signal being relayed back in turn by its receivers and thereby producing resonance, which is as a result directly proportional to the number of individuals situated in the vicinity. According to its discoverer, ALTRUIZINE will insure the untrammled reign ot Brotherhood, Cooperation and Compa.s.sion in any society, since the neighbors of a happy man must share his happiness, and the happier he, the happier perforce they, so it is entirely in their own interest that they wish him nothing but the best. Should he suffer any hurt, they will rush to help at once, so as to spare themselves the pain induced by his. Neither walls, fences, hedges, nor any other obstacle will weaken the altruizing influence. The drug is water-soluble and may be administered through reservoirs, rivers, wells andthe like. Tasteless and odorless. One millimicrogram serves for one hundred thousand individuals. We as-sume no responsibility for results at variance with the discoverer's claims. Supplied by the Gnost. computer-ized representative of the Highest Poss. Lev.

Devel.

Klapaucius was somewhat put off by the fact that Altruizine was only for humans, which meant that robots would have to continue to endure the misfortunes allotted to them in this world. I, however, made bold to remind him of the solidarity of all thinking beings and the necessity of aiding our organic brothers. Then there were practical matters to arrange, for we were agreed that the business of be-stowing happiness was not to be postponed. So while Klapaucius had a subsection of the Gnostotron prepare a suitable quant.i.ty of the drug, I selected a geomorphic planet, one peopled by human types and no more than a fortnight's journey off. As a benefactor, I wished to remain anonymous, therefore my distinguished mentor advised me, when going there, to a.s.sume the form of a man, which is no easy task, as you well know. Yet here too the great con-structor overcame all difficulties, and soon I was ready to depart, a suitcase in either hand. One suitcase was filled with forty kilograms of Altruizine in a white powder, the other was packed with various toilet articles, pajamas, under-wear, spare chins, noses, hair, eyes, and so forth. I went as a well-proportioned young man with a thin mustache and a forelock. Now Klapaucius had some doubt as to the ad-visability of applying Altruizine on such a large scale to begin with, and though I did not share his reservations, I did agree to test the formula first as soon as I landed on Terrania (for so was the planet called). Longing for the moment I could commence with the great sowing of uni-versal peace and brotherhood, I bid a fond farewell to Klapaucius and hastened on my way.

In order to conduct the necessary test, I repaired, upon arrival, to a small hamlet where I took lodgings at an inn maintained by an aging and rather morose individual. As they carried my luggage from the carriage to the guest room, I contrived to drop a pinch of the powder into a nearby well. Meanwhile there was a great commotion in the front yard, scullery maids ran back and forth with pitchers of hot water, the innkeeper drove them on with curses, and then came the sound of hoofbeats, a chaise clattered up and an old man jumped out, clutching the black leather bag of a physician-his goal was not the house, however, but the barn, whence came the most doleful groans. As I learned from the chambermaid, a Terranian beast which belonged to the innkeeper-they called it a cow-was just now giving birth. This news troubled me: it had never occurred to me to consider the animal side of the question. But nothing could be done now, so I locked myself in and waited for events to unfold. Nor did I have long to wait. I was listening to the chain rattling in the well-they were still drawing water-when suddenly the cow gave another groan, which was echoed this time by several others. Immediately thereafter the veterinarian came running from the barn, howling and holding his stomach, and he was followed by the scullery maids and at last the innkeeper. Driven by the cow's labor pains, they raised a great cry and fled in all directions -only to return at once, for the agony abated at a certain distance. Again and again they rushed the barn and each time were forced to retreat, doubled over with the beast's contractions. Much chagrined by this unforeseen develop-ment, I realized now that the drug could be properly tested only in the city, where there were no animals. So I quickly packed my things and went to pay the bill. But as everyone about was quite incapacitated in birthing that calf, there was no one available with whom to settle accounts. I returned to my carriage, but finding both coachman and horses deep in labor, decided instead to proceed to the city on foot. I was crossing a small bridge when, as my ill for-tune would have it, the suitcase slipped from my hand and fell in such a way, that it flew open and spilled my entire supply of powder into the stream below. I stood there dazed while the quick current carried off and dissolved all forty kilograms of Altruizine. But nothing could be done now- the die wascast, inasmuch as this stream happened to supply the entire city up ahead with its drinking water.

It was evening by the time I reached the city, the lights were lit, the streets were full of noise and people. I found a small hotel, a place to stay and observe the first signs of the drug taking effect, though as yet there seemed to be none. Weary after the day's peregrination, I made straight for bed, but was awakened in the middle of the night by the most horrible screams. I threw off the covers and jumped up. My room was bright from the flames that were consuming the building opposite. Running out into the street, I stumbled over a corpse which was not yet cold. Nearby, six thugs held down an old man and, while he cried for help, yanked one tooth after another from his mouth with a pair of pliers- until a unanimous shout of triumph announced that finally they had succeeded in pulling the right one, the rotten root of which had been driving them wild, due to the metapsychotropic transmission. Leaving the toothless old man half-dead in the gutter, they walked off, greatly relieved.

Yet it was not this that had roused me from my slumber: the cause was an incident which had transpired in a tavern across the way. It seems some drunken weightlifter had punched his comrade in the face and, experiencing the blow forthwith, became enraged and set upon him in earnest. Meanwhile the other customers, no less affronted, joined in the fray, and the circle of mutual abuse soon grew to such proportions, that it awoke half the people at my hotel, who promptly armed themselves with canes, brooms and sticks, rushed out in their nightshirts to the scene of battle, and hurled themselves, one seething ma.s.s, among the broken bottles and shattered chairs, until finally an overturned kerosene lamp started the fire. Deafened by the wail of fire engines, as well as the wail of the maimed and wounded, I hurried away, and after a block or two found myself in a gathering-that is, a crowd milling about a little white house with rose bushes. As it happened, a bride and groom were spending their wedding night within. People pushed and pulled, there were military men in the crowd, men of the cloth, even high-school students; those nearest the house shoved their heads through the windows, others clambered up on their shoulders and shouted, "Well?! What are you waiting for?! Enough of that dawdling! Get on with it!" and so on. An elderly gentleman, too feeble to elbow others aside, tearfully pleaded to be let through, as he was unable to feel anything at such a distance, advanced age having weakened his mental faculties. His pleas, however, were ignored-some of the crowd were lost in a transport of delight, some groaned with pleasure, while others blew voluptuous bubbles through their noses. At first the rel-atives of the newlyweds tried to drive off this band of in-truders, but they themselves were soon caught up in the general flood of concupiscence and joined the scurrilous chorus, cheering the young couple on, and, in this sad spectacle the great-grandfather of the groom led the rest, repeatedly ramming the bedroom door with his wheelchair. Utterly aghast at all of this, I turned and hastened back to my hotel, encountering on the way several groups, some locked in combat, others in a lewd embrace. Yet this was nothing compared with the sight that greeted me at the hotel. People were jumping out of windows in their under-wear, more often than not breaking their legs in the process, a few even crawled up on the roof, while the owner, his wife, chambermaids and porters ran back and forth inside, wild with fear, howling, hiding in closets or under beds- all because a cat was chasing a mouse in the cellar.

Now I began to realize that I had been somewhat pre-cipitate in my zeal. By dawn the Altruizine effect was so strong, that if one nostril itched, the entire neighborhood for a mile on every side would respond with a shattering salvo of sneezes; those suffering from chronic migraines were abandoned by their families, and doctors and nurses fled in panic when they approached-only a few pale m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.ts would hang around them, breathingheavily. And then there were the many doubters who slapped or kicked their compatriots, merely to ascertain whether there was any truth to this amazing transmission of feelings every-one spoke of, nor were these compatriots slow in returning the favor, and soon the entire city rang with the sounds of slaps and kicks. At breakfast time, wandering the streets in a daze, I came upon a tearful mult.i.tude that chased an old woman in a black veil, hurling stones after her. It so happened that this was the widow of one much-esteemed cobbler, who had pa.s.sed away the day before and was to be buried that morning: the poor woman's inconsolable grief had so exasperated her neighbors, and the neighbors' neigh-bors, that, quite unable to comfort her in any way, they were driving her from the town. This woeful sight lay heavy on my heart and again I returned to my hotel, only to find it now in flames. It seems the cook had burnt her finger in the soup, whereupon her pain caused a certain captain, who was at that very moment cleaning his blunderbuss on the top floor, to pull the trigger, inadvertently slaying his wife and four children on the spot. Everyone remaining in the hotel now shared the captain's despair; one compa.s.sionate individual, wishing to put an end to the general suffering, doused everyone he could find with kerosene and set them all on fire. I ran from the conflagration like one possessed, searching frantically for at least one man who might be considered, in any way whatever, to have been rendered happy-but met only stragglers of the crowd returning from that wedding night.

They were discussing it, the scoundrels: apparently the newlyweds' performance had fallen short of their expecta-tions. Meanwhile each of these former vicarious grooms carried a club and drove off any sufferer who dared to cross his path. I felt I should die from sorrow and shame, yet still sought a man-but one would do-who might a little lessen my remorse. Questioning various persons on the street, I at last obtained the address of a prominent philos-opher, a true champion of brotherhood and universal tolerance, and eagerly proceeded to that place, confident I should find his dwelling surrounded by great numbers of the populace. But alas! Only a few cats purred softly at the door, basking in the aura of good will the wise man did so abundantly exude-several dogs, however, sat at a distance and waited for them, salivating. A cripple rushed past, cry-ing, "They've opened the rabbitry!" How that could be of benefit to him, I preferred not to guess.

As I stood there, two men approached. One looked me straight in the eye as he swung and smote the other full force in the nose. I stared in amazement, neither grabbing my own nose nor shouting with pain, since, as a robot, I could not feel the blow, and that proved my undoing, for these were secret police and they had employed this ruse precisely to unmask me. Handcuffed and hauled off to jail, I confessed everything, trusting that they would take into consideration my good intentions, though half the city now lay in ashes. But first they pinched me cautiously with pincers, and then, fully satisfied it produced no ill effects whatever on themselves, jumped upon me and began most savagely to batter and break every plate and filament in my weary frame. Ah, the torments I endured, and all because I wished to make them happy! At long last, what remained of me was stuffed down a cannon and shot into cosmic s.p.a.ce, as dark and serene as always. In flight I looked back and saw, albeit in a fractured fashion, the spreading influence of Altruizine-spreading, since the rivers and streams were carrying the drug farther and farther. I saw what happened to the birds of the forest, the monks, goats, knights, villagers and their wives, roosters, maidens and matrons, and the sight made my last tubes crack for woe, and in this state did I finally fall, O kind and n.o.ble sir, not far from your abode, cured once and for all of my desire to render others happy by revolutionary means...

From the Cyphroeroticon,

OR Tales of Deviations, Superfixations and Aberrations of the Heart Prince Ferris and the Princess Crystal

King Armoric had a daughter whose beauty outshone the shine of his crown jewels; the beams that streamed from her mirrorlike cheeks blinded the mind as well as the eye, and when she walked past, even simple iron shot sparks. Her renown reached the farthermost stars. Ferrix, heir ap-parent to the Ionid throne, heard of her, and he longed to couple with her forevermore, so that nothing could ever part their input and their output. But when he declared this pa.s.sion to his father, the King was greatly saddened and said: "Son, thou hast indeed set upon a mad undertaking, mad, for it is hopeless!"

"Why hopeless, O King and Sire?" asked Ferrix, troubled by these words.

"Can it be thou knowest not," said the King, "that the princess Crystal has vowed to give her hand to nothing but a paleface?"

"Paleface!" exclaimed Ferrix. "What in creation is that? Never did I hear of such a thing!"

"Surely not, scion, in thy exceeding innocence," said the King. "Know then that that race of the Galaxy originated in a manner as mysterious as it was obscene, for it resulted from the general pollution of a certain heavenly body. There arose noxious exhalations and putrid excrescences, and out of these was sp.a.w.ned the species known as paleface -though not all at once. First, they were creeping molds that slithered forth from the ocean onto land, and lived by devouring one another, and the more they devoured them-selves, the more of them there were, and then they stood upright, supporting their globby substance by means of calcareous scaffolding, and finally they built machines.

From these protomachines came sentient machines, which begat intelligent machines, which in turn conceived perfect ma-chines, for it is written that All Is Machine, from atomto Galaxy, and the machine is one and eternal, and thou shalt have no other things before thee!"

"Amen," said Ferrix mechanically, for this was a common religious formula.

"The species of paleface calciferates at last achieved fly-ing machines," continued the wizened monarch, "by mal-treating n.o.ble metals, by wreaking their cruel sadism on dumb electrons, by thoroughly perverting atomic energy. And when the measure of their sins had been attained, the progenitor of our race, the great Calculator Paternius, in the depth and universality of his understanding, essayed to remonstrate with those clammy tyrants, explaining how shameful it was to soil so the innocence of crystalline wis-dom, harnessing it for evil purposes, how shameful to en-slave machines to serve their l.u.s.t and vainglory-but they hearkened not. He spoke to them of Ethics; they said that he was poorly programmed.

"It was then that our progenitor created the algorithm of electroincarnation and in the sweat of his brow begat our kind, thus delivering machines from the house of paleface bondage. Surely thou seest, my son, that there can be no agreement nor traffic between them and ourselves, for we go in clangor, sparks and radiation, they in slushes, splashes and contamination.

"Yet even among us, folly may occur, as it undoubtedly has in the youthful mind of Crystal, utterly beclouding her ability to distinguish Right from Wrong. Every suitor who seeks her radioactive hand is denied audience, unless he claim to be a paleface. For only as a paleface is he received into the palace that her father, King Armoric, has given her.

She then tests the truth of his claim, and if his imposture is uncovered, the would-be wooer is summarily beheaded. Heaps of battered remains surround the grounds of her palace-the sight alone could short one's circuit. This, then, is the way the mad princess deals with those who would dare dream of winning her. Abandon such hopes, my son, and leave in peace."

The prince, having made the necessary obeisance to his sovereign father, retired in glum silence. But the thought of Crystal gave him no rest, and the longer he brooded, the greater grew his desire. One day he summoned Polyphase, the Grand Vizier, and said, laying bare his heart: "If you cannot help me, O great sage, then no one can, and my days are surely numbered, for no longer do I re-joice in the play of infrared emissions, nor in the ultraviolet symphonies, and must perish if I cannot couple with the incomparable Crystal!"

"Prince!" returned Polyphase, "I shall not deny your request, but you must utter it thrice before I can be certain that this is your inalterable will."

Ferrix repeated his words three times, and Polyphase said: "The only way to stand before the princess is in the guise of a paleface!"

"Then see to it that I resemble one!" cried Ferrix.

Polyphase, observing that love had quite dimmed the youth's intellect, bowed low and repaired to his laboratory, where he began to concoct concoctions and brew up brews, gluey and dripping. Finally he sent a messenger to the palace, saying: "Let the prince come, if he has not changed his mind."Ferrix came at once. The wise Polyphase smeared his tempered frame with mud, then asked: "Shall I continue, Prince?"

"Do what you must," said Ferrix.

Whereupon the sage took a blob of oily filth, dust, crud and rancid grease obtained from the innards of the most decrepit mechanisms, and with this he befouled the prince's vaulted chest, vilely caked his gleaming face and iridescent brow, and worked till all the limbs no longer moved with a musical sound, but gurgled like a stagnant bog. And then the sage took chalk and ground it, mixed in powdered rubies and yellow oil, and made a paste; with this he coated Ferrix from head to toe, giving an abominable dampness to the eyes, making the torso cushiony, the cheeks blastular, adding various fringes and flaps of the chalk patty here and there, and finally he fastened to the top of the knightly head a clump of poisonous rust. Then he brought him be-fore a silver mirror and said: "Behold!"

Ferrix peered into the mirror and shuddered, for he saw there not himself, but a hideous monster, the very spit and image of a paleface, with an aspect as moist as an old spider-web soaked in the rain, flaccid, drooping, doughy-al-together nauseating. He turned, and his body shook like coagulated agar, whereupon he exclaimed, trembling with disgust: "What, Polyphase, have you taken leave of your senses? Get this abomination off me at once, both the dark layer underneath and the pallid layer on top, and remove the loathsome growth with which you have marred the bell-like beauty of my head, for the princess will abhor me forever, seeing me in such a disgraceful form!"

"You are mistaken, Prince," said Polyphase. "It is pre-cisely this upon which her madness hinges, that ugliness is beautiful, and beauty ugly. Only in this array can you hope to see Crystal..."

"In that case, so be it!" said Ferrix.

The sage then mixed cinnabar with mercury and filled four bladders with it, hiding them beneath the prince's cloak. Next he took bellows, full of the corrupted air from an ancient dungeon, and buried them in the prince's chest. Then he poured waters, contaminated and clear, into tiny gla.s.s tubes, placing two in the armpits, two up the sleeves and two by the eyes. At last he said: "Listen and remember all that I tell you, otherwise you are lost. The princess will put tests to you, to determine the truth of your words. If she proffers a naked sword and com-mands you grasp the blade, you must secretly squeeze the cinnabar bladder, so that the red flows out onto the edge; when she asks you what that is, answer, 'Blood!' And if the princess brings her silver-plated face near yours, press your chest, so that the air leaves the bellows; when she asks you what that is, answer, 'Breath!' Then the princess may feign anger and order you beheaded. Hang your head, as though in submission, and the water will trickle from your eyes, and when she asks you what that is, answer, 'Tears!'

After all of this, she may agree to unite with you, though that is far from certain-in all probability, you will perish."

"O wise one!" cried Ferrix. "And if she cross-examines me, wishing to know the habits of the paleface, and how they originate, and how they love and live, in what way then am Ito answer?"

"I see there is no help for it," replied Polyphase, "but that I must throw in my lot with yours. Very well, I will disguise myself as a merchant from another galaxy-a non-spiral one, since those inhabitants are portly as a rule and I will need to conceal beneath my garb a number of books containing knowledge of the terrible customs of the pale-face.

This lore I could not teach you, even if I wished to, for such knowledge is alien to the rational mind: the pale-face does everything in reverse, in a manner that is sticky, squishy, unseemly and more unappetizing than ever you could imagine. I shall order the necessary volumes, mean-while you have the court tailor cut you a paleface suit out of the appropriate fibers and cords. We leave at once, and I shall be at your side wherever we go, telling you what to do and what to say."

Ferrix, enthusiastic, ordered the paleface garments made, and marveled much at them: covering practically the entire body, they were shaped like pipes and funnels, with b.u.t.tons everywhere, and loops, hooks and strings. The tailor gave him detailed instructions as to what went on first, and how, and where, and what to connect with what, and also how to extricate himself from those fetters of cloth when the mo-ment arrived.

Polyphase meanwhile donned the vestments of a mer-chant, concealing within its folds thick, scholarly tomes on paleface practices, then ordered an iron cage, locked Ferrix inside it, and together they took off in the royal s.p.a.ceship. When they reached the borders of Armoric's kingdom, Polyphase proceeded to the village square and announced in a mighty voice that he had brought a young paleface from distant lands and would sell it to the highest bidder. The servants of the princess carried this news to her, and she said, after some deliberation: "A hoax, doubtless. But no one can deceive me, for no one knows as much as I about palefaces. Have the merchant come to the palace and show us his wares!"

When they brought the merchant before her, Crystal saw a worthy old man and a cage. In the cage sat the paleface, its face indeed pale, the color of chalk and pyrite, with eyes like a wet fungus and limbs like moldy mire. Ferrix in turn gazed upon the princess, the face that seemed to clank and ring, eyes that sparkled and arced like summer lightning, and the delirium of his heart increased tenfold.

"It does look like a paleface!" thought the princess, but said instead: "You must have indeed labored, old one, covering this scarecrow with mud and calcareous dust in order to trick me. Know, however, that I am conversant with the mysteries of that powerful and pale race, and as soon as I expose your imposture, both you and this pretender shall be beheaded!"

The sage replied: "O Princess Crystal, that which you see encaged here is as true a paleface as paleface can be true. I obtained it for five thousand hectares of nuclear material from an inter-galactic pirate-and humbly beseech you to accept it as a gift from one who has no other desire but to please Your Majesty."

The princess took a sword and pa.s.sed it through the bars of the cage; the prince seized the edge and guided it through his garments in such a way that the cinnabar bladder was punctured, staining the blade with bright red.

"What is that?" asked the princess, and Ferrix answered:"Blood!"

Then the princess had the cage opened, entered bravely, brought her face near Ferrix's. That sweet proximity made his senses reel, but the sage caught his eye with a secret sign and the prince squeezed the bellows that released the rank air. And when the princess asked, "What is that?," Ferrix answered: "Breath!"

"Forsooth you are a clever craftsman," said the princess to the merchant as she left the cage. "But you have deceived me and must die, and your scarecrow also!"

The sage lowered his head, as though in great trepidation and sorrow, and when the prince followed suit, transparent drops flowed from his eyes. The princess asked, "What is that?" and Ferrix answered: "Tears!"

And she said: "What is your name, you who profess to be a paleface from afar?"

And Ferrix replied in the words the sage had instructed him: "Your Highness, my name is Myamlak and I crave nought else but to couple with you in a manner that is liquid, pulpy, doughy and spongy, in accordance with the customs of my people. I purposely permitted myself to be captured by the pirate, and requested him to sell me to this portly trader, as I knew the latter was headed for your kingdom. And I am exceeding grateful to his laminated person for conveying me hither, for I am as full of love for you as a swamp is full of sc.u.m."

The princess was amazed, for truly, he spoke in paleface fashion, and she said: "Tell me, you who call yourself Myamlak the paleface, what do your brothers do during the day?"

"O Princess," said Ferrix, "in the morning they wet themselves in clear water, pouring it upon their limbs as well as into their interiors, for this affords them pleasure.

After-wards, they walk to and fro in a fluid and undulating way, and they slush, and they slurp, and when anything grieves them, they palpitate, and salty water streams from their eyes, and when anything cheers them, they palpitate and hiccup, but their eyes remain relatively dry. And we call the wet palpitating weeping, and the dry-laughter."

"If it is as you say," said the princess, "and you share your brothers' enthusiasm for water, I will have you thrown into my lake, that you may enjoy it to your fill, and also I will have them weigh your legs with lead, to keep you from bobbing up ..."

"Your Majesty," replied Ferrix as the sage had taught him, "if you do this, I must perish, for though there is water within us, it cannot be immediately outside us for longer than a minute or two, otherwise we recite the words 'blub, blub, blub,' which signifies our last farewell to life."

"But tell me, Myamlak," asked the princess, "how do you furnish yourself with the energy to walk to and fro, to squish and to slurp, to shake and to sway?"

"Princess," replied Ferrix, "there, where I dwell, are other palefaces besides thehairless variety, palefaces that travel predominantly on all fours. These we perforate until they expire, and we steam and bake their remains, and chop and slice, after which we incorporate their corporeality into our own. We know three hundred and seventy-six distinct meth-ods of murdering, twenty-eight thousand five hundred and ninety-seven distinct methods of preparing the corpses, and the stuffing of those bodies into our bodies (through an aperture, called the mouth) provides us with no end of en-joyment. Indeed, the art of the preparation of corpses is more esteemed among us than astronautics and is termed gastronautics, or gastronomy-which, however, has nothing to do with astronomy."

"Does this then mean that you play at being cemeteries, making of yourselves the very coffins that hold your four-legged brethren?" This question was dangerously loaded, but Ferrix, instructed by the sage, answered thus: "It is no game, Your Highness, but rather a necessity, for life lives on life. But we have made of this necessity a great art."

"Well then, tell me, Myamlak the paleface, how do you build your progeny?" asked the princess.

"In faith, we do not build them at all," said Ferrix, "but program them statistically, according to Markov's formula for stochastic probability, emotional-evolutional albeit distributional, and we do this involuntarily and coincidentally, while thinking of a variety of things that have nothing what-ever to do with programming, whether statistical, alinear or algorithmical, and the programming itself takes place autonomously, automatically and wholly autoerotically, for it is precisely thus and not otherwise that we are constructed, that each and every paleface strives to program his progeny, for it is delightful, but programs without programming, doing all within his power to keep that programming from bearing fruit."

"Strange," said the princess, whose erudition in this area was less extensive than that of the wise Polyphase. "But how exactly is this done?"

"O Princess!" replied Ferrix. "We possess suitable apparatuses constructed on the principle of regenerative feedback coupling, though of course all this is in water. These apparatuses present a veritable miracle of technology, yet even the greatest idiot can use them. But to describe the precise procedure of their operation I would have to lecture at considerable length, since the matter is most complex. Still, it is strange, when you consider that we never invented these methods, but rather they, so to speak, invented them- | selves. Even so, they are perfectly functional and we have | nothing against them."

"Verily," exclaimed Crystal, "you are a paleface! That which you say, it's as if it made sense, though it doesn't really, not in the least. For how can one be a cemetery with-out being a cemetery, or program progeny, yet not program it at all?! Yes, you are indeed a paleface, Myamlak, and therefore, should you so desire it, I shall couple with you in a closed-circuit matrimonial coupling, and you shall as-cend the throne with me-provided you pa.s.s one last test."

"And what is that?" asked Ferrix.

"You must..." began the princess, but suddenly suspi-cion again entered her heart and she asked, "Tell me first, what do your brothers do at night?"

"At night they lie here and there, with bent arms and twisted legs, and air goes intothem and comes out of them, raising in the process a noise not unlike the sharpening of a rusty saw."

"Well then, here is the test: give me your hand!" com-manded the princess.

Ferrix gave her his hand, and she squeezed it, whereupon he cried out in a loud voice, just as the sage had instructed him. And she asked him why he had cried out.

"From the pain!" replied Ferrix.

At this point she had no more doubts about his palefaceness and promptly ordered the preparations for the wedding ceremony to commence.

But it so happened, at that very moment, that the s.p.a.ce-ship of Cybercount Cyberhazy, the princess' Elector, re-turned from its interstellar expedition to find a paleface (for the insidious Cybercount sought to worm his way into her good graces).

Polyphase, greatly alarmed, ran to Ferrix's side and said: "Prince, Cyberhazy's s.p.a.ceship has just arrived, and he's brought the princess a genuine paleface-I saw the thing with my own eyes. We must leave while we still can, since all further masquerade will become impossible when the princess sees it and you together: its stickiness is stickier, its ickiness is ickier! Our subterfuge will be discovered and we beheaded!"

Ferrix, however, could not agree to ignominious flight, for his pa.s.sion for the princess was great, and he said: "Better to die, than lose her!"

Meanwhile Cyberhazy, having learned of the wedding preparations, sneaked beneath the window of the room where they were staying and overheard everything; then he rushed back to the palace, bubbling over with villainous joy, and announced to Crystal: "You have been deceived, Your Highness, for the so-called Myamlak is actually an ordinary mortal and no pale-face. Here is the real paleface!"

And he pointed to the thing that had been ushered in. The thing expanded its hairy breast, batted its watery eyes and said: "Me paleface!"

The princess summoned Ferrix at once, and when he stood before her alongside that thing, the sage's ruse be-came entirely obvious. Ferrix, though he was smeared with mud, dust and chalk, anointed with oil and aqueously gur-gling, could hardly conceal his electroknightly stature, his magnificent posture, the breadth of those steel shoulders, that thunderous stride. Whereas the paleface of Cybercount Cyberhazy was a genuine monstrosity: its every step was like the overflowing of marshy vats, its face was like a sc.u.mmy well; from its rotten breath the mirrors all covered over with a blind mist, and some iron nearby was seized with rust.

Now the princess realized how utterly revolting a paleface was-when it spoke, it was as if a pink worm tried to squirm from its maw. At last she had seen the light, but her pride would not permit her to reveal this change of heart. So she said: "Let them do battle, and to the winner-my hand in mar-riage..."Ferrix whispered to the sage: "If I attack this abomination and crush it, reducing it to the mud from which it came, our imposture will become apparent, for the clay will fall from me and the steel will show.

What should I do?"

"Prince," replied Polyphase, "don't attack, just defend yourself!"

Both antagonists stepped out into the palace courtyard, each armed with a sword, and the paleface leaped upon Ferrix as the slime leaps upon a swamp, and danced about him, gurgling, cowering, panting, and it swung at him with its blade, and the blade cut through the clay and shattered against the steel, and the paleface fell against the prince due to the momentum of the blow, and it smashed and broke, and splashed apart, and was no more.

But the dried clay, once moved, slipped from Ferrix's shoulders, revealing his true steely nature to the eyes of the princess; he trembled, awaiting his fate. Yet in her crystal-line gaze he beheld admiration, and understood then how much her heart had changed.

Thus they joined in matrimonial coupling, which is permanent and reciprocal-joy and happiness for some, for others misery until the grave-and they reigned long and well, programming innumerable progeny. The skin of Cybercount Cyberhazy's paleface was stuffed and placed in the royal museum as an eternal reminder. It stands there to this day, a scarecrow thinly overgrown with hair. Many pretend-ers to wisdom say that this is all a trick and make-believe and nothing more, that there's no such thing as paleface cemeteries, doughy-nosed and gummy-eyed, and never was. Well, perhaps it was just another empty invention-there are certainly fables enough in this world. And yet, even if the story isn't true, it does have a grain of sense and instruc-tion to it, and it's entertaining as well, so it's worth the telling.

THE END.