The Constant Couple Part 9

_Lady L._ How d'ye mean?

_Sir H._ As most doctors do; I kill'd him.

_Lady L._ _En cavalier_, my dear knight-errant--Well, and how, and how: what intrigues, what gallantries are carrying on in the _beau monde_?

_Sir H._ I should ask you that question, madam, since your ladyship makes the _beau-monde_ wherever you come.

_Lady L._ Ah, Sir Harry, I've been almost ruined, pestered to death here, by the incessant attacks of a mighty colonel; he has besieged me.

_Sir H._ I hope your ladyship did not surrender, though.

_Lady L._ No, no; but was forced to capitulate. But since you are come to raise the siege, we'll dance, and sing, and laugh----

_Sir H._ And love, and kiss----_Montrez moi votre chambre?_

_Lady L._ _Attends, attends, un peu_----I remember, Sir Harry, you promised me, in Paris, never to ask that impertinent question again.

_Sir H._ Pshaw, madam! that was above two months ago: besides, madam, treaties made in France are never kept.

_Lady L._ Would you marry me, Sir Harry?

_Sir H._ Oh! I do detest marriage.--But I will marry you.

_Lady L._ Your word, sir, is not to be relied on: if a gentleman will forfeit his honour in dealings of business, we may reasonably suspect his fidelity in an amour.

_Sir H._ My honour in dealings of business! Why, madam, I never had any business in all my life.

_Lady L._ Yes, Sir Harry, I have heard a very odd story, and am sorry that a gentleman of your figure should undergo the scandal.

_Sir H._ Out with it, madam.

_Lady L._ Why, the merchant, sir, that transmitted your bills of exchange to you in France, complains of some indirect and dishonourable dealings.

_Sir H._ Who, old Smuggler?

_Lady L._ Ay, ay, you know him, I find.

_Sir H._ I have some reason, I think; why, the rogue has cheated me of above five hundred pounds within these three years.

_Lady L._ 'Tis your business then to acquit yourself publicly; for he spreads the scandal every where.

_Sir H._ Acquit myself publicly! I'll drive instantly into the city, and cane the old villain: he shall run the gauntlet round the Royal Exchange.

_Lady L._ Why, he is in the house now, sir.

_Sir H._ What, in this house?

_Lady L._ Ay, in the next room.

_Sir H._ Then, sirrah, lend me your cudgel.

_Lady L._ Sir Harry, you won't raise a disturbance in my house?

_Sir H._ Disturbance, madam! no, no, I'll beat him with the temper of a philosopher. Here, Mrs. Parly, show me the gentleman.

[_Exit with_ PARLY.

_Lady L._ Now shall I get the old monster well beaten, and Sir Harry pestered next term with bloodsheds, batteries, costs, and damages, solicitors and attorneys; and if they don't tease him out of his good humour, I'll never plot again. [_Exit._

SCENE V.

_Another Room in the same House._

_Enter_ SMUGGLER.

_Smug._ Oh, this d.a.m.ned tide-waiter! A ship and cargo worth five thousand pounds! Why, 'tis richly worth five hundred perjuries.

_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR.

_Sir H._ Dear Mr. Alderman, I'm your most devoted and humble servant.

_Smug._ My best friend, Sir Harry, you're welcome to England.

_Sir H._ I'll a.s.sure you, sir, there's not a man in the king's dominions I am gladder to meet, dear, dear Mr. Alderman. [_Bowing very low._

_Smug._ Oh, lord, sir, you travellers have the most obliging ways with you!

_Sir H._ There is a business, Mr. Alderman, fallen out, which you may oblige me infinitely by----I am very sorry that I am forced to be troublesome; but necessity, Mr. Alderman----

_Smug._ Ay, sir, as you say, necessity----But, upon my word, sir, I am very short of money at present; but----

_Sir H._ That's not the matter, sir; I'm above an obligation that way: but the business is, I'm reduced to an indispensable necessity of being obliged to you for a beating----Here, take this cudgel.

_Smug._ A beating, Sir Harry! ha! ha! ha! I beat a knight baronet! an alderman turn cudgel-player! Ha! ha! ha!

_Sir H._ Upon my word, sir, you must beat me, or I cudgel you; take your choice.

_Smug._ Pshaw! pshaw! you jest.

_Sir H._ Nay, 'tis sure as fate----So, Alderman, I hope you'll pardon my curiosity. [_Strikes him._

_Smug._ Curiosity! Deuce take your curiosity, sir!--What d'ye mean?

_Sir H._ Nothing at all; I'm but in jest, sir.

_Smug._ Oh, I can take any thing in jest! but a man might imagine, by the smartness of the stroke, that you were in downright earnest.

_Sir H._ Not in the least, sir; [_Strikes him._] not in the least, indeed, sir.