The Constant Couple Part 19

_Sir H._ Know who you are! Why, your daughter there, is Mr. Vizard's --cousin, I suppose. And for you, madam--I suppose your ladyship to be one of those civil, obliging, discreet old gentlewomen, who keep their visiting days for the entertainment of their presenting friends, whom they treat with imperial tea, a private room, and a pack of cards. Now I suppose you do understand me.

_Lady D._ This is beyond sufferance! But say, thou abusive man, what injury have you ever received from me, or mine, thus to engage you in this scandalous aspersion.

_Ang._ Yes, sir, what cause, what motives could induce you thus to debase yourself below your rank?

_Sir H._ Heyday! Now, dear Roxana, and you, my fair Statira, be not so very heroic in your style: Vizard's letter may resolve you, and answer all the impertinent questions you have made me.

_Lady D. and Ang._ We appeal to that.

_Sir H._ And I'll stand to't; he read it to me, and the contents were pretty plain, I thought.

_Ang._ Here, sir, peruse it, and see how much we are injured, and you deceived.

_Sir H._ [_Opening the Letter._] But hold, madam, [_To_ LADY DARLING.]

before I read I'll make some condition:--Mr. Vizard says here, that I won't scruple thirty or forty pieces. Now, madam, if you have clapped in another cypher to the account, and made it three or four hundred, 'egad I'll not stand to't.

_Lady D._ The letter, sir, shall answer you.

_Sir H._ Well then--[Reads.] _Out of my earnest inclination to serve your ladyship, and my cousin Angelica_--Ay, ay, the very words, I can say it by heart--_I have sent Sir Harry Wildair to_--What the devil's this?--_Sent Sir Harry Wildair to court my cousin_--He read to me quite a different thing--_He's a gentleman of great parts and fortune_--He's a son of a wh.o.r.e, and a rascal--_And would make your daughter very happy_ [Whistles.] _in a husband_.----[_Looks foolish, and hums a Song._]--Oh!

poor Sir Harry, what have thy angry stars designed?

_Ang._ Now, sir, I hope you need no instigation to redress our wrongs, since even the injury points the way.

_Lady D._ Think, sir, that our blood for many generations has run in the purest channel of unsullied honour.

_Sir H._ Ay, madam. [_Bows to her._

_Ang._ Consider what a tender flower is woman's reputation, which the least air of foul detraction blasts.

_Sir H._ Yes, madam. [_Bows to the other._

_Lady D._ Call then to mind your rude and scandalous behaviour.

_Sir H._ Right, madam. [_Bows again._

_Ang._ Remember the base price you offered me. [_Exit._

_Sir H._ Very true, madam. Was ever man so catechized?

_Lady D._ And think that Vizard,--villain Vizard,--caused all this, yet lives: that's all: farewell.

_Sir H._ Stay, madam, [_To_ LADY DARLING.] one word; is there no other way to redress your wrongs, but by fighting?

_Lady D._ Only one, sir; which, if you can think of, you may do: you know the business I entertained you for.

_Sir H._ I understand you, madam. [_Exit_ LADY DARLING.] Here am I brought to a very pretty dilemma. I must commit murder, or commit matrimony; which is the best now? a license from Doctors' Commons, or a sentence from the Old Bailey?--If I kill my man, the law hangs me; if I marry my woman, I shall hang myself.----But, d.a.m.n it--cowards dare fight:--I'll marry, that's the most daring action of the two. [_Exit._

SCENE II.

_Newgate._

CLINCHER SENIOR, _solus_.

_Clinch. sen._ How severe and melancholy are Newgate reflections! Last week my father died; yesterday I turned beau; to-day I am laid by the heels, and to-morrow shall be hung by the neck.----I was agreeing with a bookseller about printing an account of my journey through France and Italy; but now the history of my travels must be through Holborn, to Tyburn.--"The last dying speech of Beau Clincher, that was going to the Jubilee--Come, a halfpenny a-piece."--A sad sound, a sad sound, 'faith!

'Tis one way to make a man's death make a great noise in the world.

_Enter_ TOM ERRAND.

A reprieve! a reprieve! thou dear, dear--d.a.m.ned rogue. Where have you been? Thou art the most welcome--son of a wh.o.r.e; where's my clothes?

_Tom._ Sir, I see where mine are. Come, sir, strip, sir, strip.

_Clinch. sen._ Sir, you cannot master me, for I am twenty thousand strong. [_Exeunt, struggling._

SCENE III.

LADY DARLING'S _House_.

_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR, _with Cards_; SERVANTS _following_.

_Sir H._ Here, fly all around, and bear these as directed; you to Westminster, you to St. James's, and you into the city. Tell all my friends, a bridegroom's joy invites their presence. Tell them, I am married. If any ask to whom, make no reply; but tell them, that I am married; that joy shall crown the day, and love the night. Begone, fly.

_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.

A thousand welcomes, friend; my pleasure's now complete, since I can share it with my friend: brisk joy shall bound from me to you; then back again; and, like the sun, grow warmer by reflection.

_Colonel S._ You are always pleasant, Sir Harry; but this transcends yourself: whence proceeds it?

_Sir H._ Canst thou not guess, my friend? Whence flows all earthly joy?

What is the life of man, and soul of pleasure? Woman.----What fires the heart with transport, and the soul with raptures?--Lovely woman----What is the master-stroke and smile of the creation, but charming, virtuous woman?--Methinks, my friend, you relish not my joy. What is the cause?

_Colonel S._ Canst thou not guess?--What is the bane of man, and scourge of life, but woman?--What is the heathenish idol man sets up, and is d.a.m.ned for worshipping? Treacherous woman.--Woman, whose composition inverts humanity; their bodies heavenly, but their souls are clay.

_Sir H._ Come, come, colonel, this is too much: I know your wrongs received from Lurewell may excuse your resentment against her. But it is unpardonable to charge the failings of a single woman upon the whole s.e.x. I have found one, whose virtues----

_Colonel S._ So have I, Sir Harry; I have found one whose pride's above yielding to a prince. And if lying, dissembling, perjury, and falsehood, be no breaches in a woman's honour, she is as innocent as infancy.

_Sir H._ Well, colonel, I find your opinion grows stronger by opposition; I shall now, therefore, wave the argument, and only beg you for this day to make a show of complaisance at least.--Here comes my charming bride.

_Enter_ LADY DARLING _and_ ANGELICA.

_Colonel S._ [_Saluting_ ANGELICA.] I wish you, madam, all the joys of love and fortune.

_Enter_ CLINCHER JUNIOR.