The Constant Couple Part 14

_Parly._ I'm afraid, sir, the colonel will be back presently, for he dines at home.

_Clinch. sen._ Oh, then I must sneak off. Was ever such an unfortunate beau, To have his coat well thrash'd, and lose his coat also! [_Exit._

_Parly._ Methinks, madam, the injuries you have suffered by men must be very great, to raise such heavy resentments against the whole s.e.x;--and, I think, madam, your anger should be only confined to the author of your wrongs.

_Lady L._ The author! alas, I know him not.

_Parly._ Not know him? Tis odd, madam, that a man should rob you of that same jewel, and you not know him.

_Lady L._ Leave trifling: 'tis a subject that always sours my temper: but since, by thy faithful service, I have some reason to confide in your secresy, hear the strange relation.--Some twelve years ago, I lived at my father's house in Oxfordshire, blest with innocence, the ornamental, but weak guard of blooming beauty. Then it happened that three young gentlemen from the university coming into the country, and being benighted, and strangers, called at my father's: he was very glad of their company, and offered them the entertainment of his house.

_Parly._ Which they accepted, no doubt. Oh, these strolling collegians are never abroad, but upon some mischief.

_Lady L._ Two of them had a heavy, pedantic air: but the third----

_Parly._ Ah, the third, madam--the third of all things, they say, is very critical.

_Lady L._ He was--but in short, nature formed him for my undoing. His very looks were witty, and his expressive eyes spoke softer, prettier things, than words could frame.

_Parly._ There will be mischief by and by; I never heard a woman talk so much of eyes, but there were tears presently after.

_Lady L._ My father was so well pleased with his conversation, that he begged their company next day; they consented, and next night, Parly----

_Parly._ Ah, next night, madam----next night (I'm afraid) was a night indeed.

_Lady L._ He bribed my maid, with his gold, out of her modesty; and me, with his rhetoric, out of my honour. [_Weeps._] He swore that he would come down from Oxford in a fortnight, and marry me.

_Parly._ The old bait, the old bait--I was cheated just so myself.

[_Aside._] But had not you the wit to know his name all this while?

_Lady L._ He told me that he was under an obligation to his companions, of concealing himself then, but, that he would write to me in two days, and let me know his name and quality. After all the binding oaths of constancy, I gave him a ring with this motto--"_Love and Honour_"--then we parted, and I never saw the dear deceiver more.

_Parly._ No, nor never will, I warrant you.

_Lady L._ I need not tell my griefs, which my father's death made a fair pretence for; he left me sole heiress and executrix to three thousand pounds a year: at last, my love for this single dissembler turned to a hatred of the whole s.e.x; and, resolving to divert my melancholy, I went to travel. Here I will play my last scene; then retire to my country-house, and live solitary. We shall have that old impotent lecher, Smuggler, here to-night; I have a plot to swinge him, and his precise nephew, Vizard.

_Parly._ I think, madam, you manage every body that comes in your way.

_Lady L._ No, Parly; those men, whose pretensions I found just and honourable, I fairly dismissed, by letting them know my firm resolutions never to marry, But those villains, that would attempt my honour, I've seldom failed to manage.

_Parly._ What d'ye think of the colonel, madam? I suppose his designs are honourable.

_Lady L._ That man's a riddle; there's something of honour in his temper that pleases; I'm sure he loves me too, because he's soon jealous, and soon satisfied.--But hang him, I have teased him enough--Besides, Parly, I begin to be tired of my revenge: but this buss and guinea I must maul once more. I'll hansel his woman's clothes for him. Go, get me pen and ink; I must write to Vizard too.

Fortune, this once a.s.sist me as before: Two such machines can never work in vain, As thy propitious wheel, and my projecting brain. [_Exeunt._

ACT THE FOURTH.

SCENE I.

_Covent Garden._

_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR _and_ COLONEL STANDARD, _meeting_.

_Colonel S._ I thought, Sir Harry, to have met you ere this in a more convenient place; but since my wrongs were without ceremony, my revenge shall be so too.--Draw, sir.

_Sir H._ Draw, sir! What shall I draw?

_Colonel S._ Come, come, sir, I like your facetious humour well enough; it shows courage and unconcern. I know you brave, and therefore use you thus. Draw your sword.

_Sir H._ Nay, to oblige you, I will draw; but the devil take me if I fight.--Perhaps, colonel, this is the prettiest blade you have seen.

_Colonel S._ I doubt not but the arm is good; and therefore think both worth my resentment. Come, sir.

_Sir H._ But, pr'ythee, colonel, dost think that I am such a madman, as to send my soul to the devil and body to the worms--upon every fool's errand? [_Aside._

_Colonel S._ I hope you're no coward, sir.

_Sir H._ Coward, sir! I have eight thousand pounds a year, sir.

_Colonel S._ You fought in the army, to my knowledge.

_Sir H._ Ay, for the same reason that I wore a red coat; because 'twas fashionable.

_Colonel S._ Sir, you fought a French count in Paris.

_Sir H._ True, sir, he was a beau, like myself. Now you're a soldier, colonel, and fighting's your trade; and I think it downright madness to contend with any man in his profession.

_Colonel S._ Come, sir, no more dallying; I shall take very unseemly methods, if you don't show yourself a gentleman.

_Sir H._ A gentleman! Why, there again, now. A gentleman! I tell you once more, colonel, that I am a baronet, and have eight thousand pounds a year. I can dance, sing, ride, fence, understand the languages--Now I can't conceive how running you through the body should contribute one jot more to my gentility. But pray, colonel, I had forgot to ask you, what's the quarrel?

_Colonel S._ A woman, sir.

_Sir H._ Then I put up my sword. Take her.

_Colonel S._ Sir, my honour's concerned.

_Sir H._ Nay, if your honour be concerned with a woman, get it out of her hands as soon as you can.--An honourable lover is the greatest slave in nature: some will say, the greatest fool. Come, come, colonel, this is something about the Lady Lurewell, I warrant; I can give you satisfaction in that affair.

_Colonel S._ Do so then immediately.

_Sir H._ Put up your sword first; you know I dare fight, but I had much rather make you a friend than an enemy. I can a.s.sure you this lady will prove too hard for one of your temper. You have too much honour, too much in conscience, to be a favourite with the ladies.