The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 83

The musk rat haz a flat tale, with no more phur on it than a file haz.

I dont dispize musk rat--oh, no!--but i dont worship him.

He haz but phew sins tew answer for; the chief one iz digging holes in the bank of the Erie ka.n.a.l, and letting the water brake out. He will hav tew answer for this sumtime.

I luv all the animals, all the bugs, all the beasts, all the ins.e.x, all the katterpillars, bekauze they are so natral. They are az mutch, if not more, an evidence tew me ov the existance, the power, and the luv, ov an overruling Providence, as man iz.

I kan see az mutch fust kla.s.s natur in an angleworm, akording tew the square inch, az i kan see in an elephant.

I luv tew go phooling around amung the animiles ov all kinds in a warm day; i had rather set down bi the side ov an ant hill and see the whole swarm pitch onto a lazy kuss who won't work, and run him out ov the diggins, than tew set six hours at the opera and applaud what i don't understand, and weep at the spot whare the rest do, and pay 3 dollars for the privilege ov doing it.

THE MINK.

The mink iz about fourth cuzzin tew the musk rat, and haz sum things in common with him; they both smell alike.

He iz one ov yure land and water citizens, and kan dive deeper, do it quicker, and k.u.m out dryer than enny thing i kno ov.

His phur iz one ov the luxurys ov the present generashun and iz worth az mutch akording tew its size as one dollar bills are.

He haz no very strong pekuliarity ov karakter except hiz perfume, which iz about haff way in its smell between the beaver and the musk rat.

The mink haz 4 times the kunning that the musk rat haz, and iz bilt long and slim like a little girl's stocking.

They are not handy tew ketch, but when ketched are skinned whole.

I hav trapt a good deal for mink and hav kaught them mity little, for they are almost az hard tew ketch in a trap and keep thare as a ray ov light iz.

Thare iz sum people who hav et mink, and sed it waz good, but i wouldn't beleave sutch a man under oath, not bekauze he ment tew lie, but bekauze he didn't kno what the truth waz.

I et a piece ov biled wilekat once, and that haz lasted me ever since, but i never waz parshall tew wild meat ennyhow.

I lived 25 years ov mi life whare game ov all kinds waz plenty. We had bear, oppossum, buffalo and rattlesnaik, and then nights we had draw poker and hi lo Jak, just tew waste the time a leetle.

THE DISTRIKT SKOOLMASTER.

Thare iz one man in this bas.e.m.e.nt world that i alwus look upon with mixt pheelings ov pitty and respekt.

_Pitty_ and _respekt_, az a genral mixtur, don't mix well.

You will find them both traveling around amungst folks, but not growing on the same bush.

When they do hug each other, they mean sumthing.

Pitty, without respekt, hain't got much more oats in it than disgust haz.

I had rather a man would hit me on the side ov the hed than tew pitty me.

But thare iz one man in this world to whom i alwus take oph mi hat, and remain uncovered untill he gits safely by, and that iz the distrikt skoolmaster.

When I meet him, I look upon him az a martyr just returning from the stake, or on hiz way thare tew be cooked.

He leads a more lonesum and single life than an old bachelor, and a more anxious one than an old maid.

He iz remembered jist about az long and affektionately az a gide board iz by a traveling pack pedlar.

If he undertakes tew make hiz skollars luv him, the chances are he will neglekt their larning; and if he don't lick them now and then pretty often, they will soon lick him.

The distrikt skoolmaster hain't got a friend on the flat side ov earth.

The boys snow-ball him during recess; the girls put water in hiz hair die; and the skool committee make him work for haff the money a bartender gits, and board him around the naberhood, whare they giv him rhy coffee, sweetened with molla.s.sis, tew drink, and kodfish bawls 3 times a day for vittles.

And, with all this abuse, I never heard ov a distrikt skoolmaster swareing enny thing louder than--_Condem it_.

Don't talk tew me about the pashunce ov anshunt Job.

Job had pretty plenty ov biles all over him, no doubt, but they were all ov one breed.

Every yung one in a distrikt skool iz a bile ov a diffrent breed, and each one needs a diffrent kind ov poultiss tew git a good head on them.

A distrikt skoolmaster, who duz a square job and takes hiz codfish bawls reverently, iz a better man to day tew hav lieing around loose than Soloman would be arrayed in all ov hiz glory.

Soloman waz better at writing proverbs and manageing a large family, than he would be tew navigate a distrikt skool hous.

Enny man who haz kept a distrikt skool for ten years, and boarded around the naberhood, ought tew be made a mager gineral, and hav a penshun for the rest ov hiz natral days, and a hoss and waggin tew do hiz going around in.

But, az a genral consequence, a distrikt skoolmaster hain't got any more warm friends than an old blind fox houn haz.

He iz jist about az welk.u.m az a tax gatherer iz.

He is respekted a good deal az a man iz whom we owe a debt ov 50 dollars to and don't mean tew pay.

He goes through life on a back road, az poor az a wood sled, and finally iz missed--but what ever bek.u.ms ov hiz remains, i kant tell.

Fortunately he iz not often a sensitive man; if he waz, he couldn't enny more keep a distrikt skool than he could file a kross kut saw.

Whi iz it that theze men and wimmen, who pashuntly and with crazed brain teach our remorseless brats the tejus meaning ov the alphabet, who take the fust welding heat on their destinys, who lay the stepping stones and enkurrage them tew mount upwards, who hav dun more hard and mean work than enny kla.s.s on the futstool, who have prayed over the reprobate, strengthened the timid, restrained the outrageous, and flattered the imbecile, who hav lived on kodfish and vile coffee, and hain't been heard to sware--whi iz it that they are treated like a vagrant fiddler, danced to for a night, paid oph in the morning, and eagerly forgotten?

I had rather burn a coal pit, or keep the flys out ov a butcher's shop in the month ov August, than meddle with the distrikt skool bizzness.