The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 6

THE LAM AND THE DOVE.

The lam iz a juvenile sheep.

They are born about the fust ov March, and menny ov them die just az soon az green peas c.u.m.

Lam and green peas are good, but not good for the lam.

Lam are innosent az shrimps, they won't bight, nor skratch, nor talk sa.s.sy.

They don't kno mutch, only to skip, turn summersets on the gra.s.s, kik up their heels, pla tag, plauge their mothers and hav phun generally.

I luv the lam, i even luv them after they bek.u.m mutton, i luv lams ov all kinds, i had rather hav one lam than 4 wolfs. This may look like oddness in me, but it iz mi sentiments enny how.

Mary had a little lam. I wish i had a little lam, and if i had a good deal ov lam it wouldn't diskourage me.

Mary waz a good girl--an ornament tew her sekt.

Mary's lam waz a good lam--an ornament tew hiz or her sekt, i don't remember which.

It iz plezant tew reflekt that theze things are stubborn fakts.

When a lam gits thru being a lam, they immejiately bek.u.m a sheep. This takes all the sentiment out ov them.

There ain't mutch poetry in mutton.

Sheep are mutton.

Mutton iz sumtimes prekarious.

When youth and innosense ov enny kind groze old, it loozes most all ov its lamness.

This fakt iz too well known tew require an affidavid.

The lam iz an artikle ov trade, az well as diet, they are wuth from four tew 10 dollars, ackording tew the way things am.

It iz strange that so mutch innosense az the lam iz possessed ov should be for sale.

It iz jiss so with most all the innosense and purity in this world--it iz too often brought to the shambles.

I suppoze if i could hav mi way, the lam would stop growing when he got to be about 8 weeks old; but then, c.u.m tew think ov it, this would make mutton awful ska.r.s.e.

It would also make lams dredful plenty.

It would also inkrease wolfs much, for i hav alwus notissed since i begun bizzness in this world that just in perposhun az lams got numerous, wolfs got numerous ackordin.

The lam haz a short tail. Their tails are not short bi natur, but short bi desighn.

During their early lamkinness, in an unsuspekting moment, and quicker than litening, their dorsal elongashun iz nipt in the bud.

Not to be mistaken in this matter, and tew plase the responsibility jist whare it belongs, lam's tails are kut oph bi man.

This iz a mean thing for man to do, but man iz capable ov doing dredful mean things, jist bekauze he iz a man.

Man aint satisfied tew leave ennything in this world az he phinds it.

Lams are ov the mail and femail perswashun.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE LAM AND DUV.]

Thare are none ov the animals, that i kan remember ov now, that are ov the nuter gender except the mule.

I hav often seen men ov the nuter jender. If yu don't beleave this, c.u.m down whare i liv and i will point them out to you.

The femail lam iz the dearest little package ov innosense and buty known to natralists.

A femail lam iz mi pride and hope. I luv the whole entire congregashun ov them. The mail lam soon gits ruff. They hav horns which burst out ov their heds, and when they git advanced in the journey ov life, theze horns are a hard thing tew kontrad.i.c.ket.

I hav seen an aged mail lam knock a 2-hoss waggon into splinters with one blo ov their horns.

This iz terrible if true.

The mail lam when he arrives at hiz majority iz called a ram.

The lam iz kivvered from childhood with a softe coating called wool, from whitch cloth iz sed to be made, and also from whitch yarn iz sed to be spun.

There iz a grate deal ov yarn spun in this world that has no wool in it; theze yarns are called phibs.

Phibs are not konsidered feroshus. A phib iz a lie painted in water kullers.

Thare haz been more phibs in market since the formashun ov man than thare haz been truth.

Phibs are often ingenious, sometimes quite pretty, but are alwus dangerous.

Phibs are sumtimes a grate deal more plauzable than truth.

Look out for them.

Phibbers hav been known tew bek.u.m liars, just az hot lemonade drinkers, with a leetle port wine in it just for effekt, hav been known tew bek.u.m our most reliable whiskee drinkers.

THE DUV.