The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 31

What they are good for i kant tell, and dont believe they kan tell neither.

They dont seem tew be bird, beast, nor insek, but a kind of live hash, made out ov all three.

If thare want enny bats in this world, i dont suppose the earth would refuse tew revolve on its axis, once in a while, just for fun.

But when we c.u.m to think, that thare aint on the face ov the earth, even one bat too mutch, and that thare haint been, sintz the daze ov adam, a single surpluss muskeeters egg, laid by acksident, we kan form sum kind ov an idea, how little we know, and what a poor job we should make ov it, running the machinery of kreashun.

Man iz a phool enny how, and the best ov the joke iz, he don't seem tew kno it.

Bats hav a destiny tew fill, and i will bet 4 dollars, they fill it better than we do ours.

Bats liv on flies, and hawks liv on bats, but who livs on the hawks, i kant tell.

Biled hawk may be good, i never herd enny boddy say it wasn't, but i dont hope i shall ever be called upon tew decide it.

Tew save life, i would eat biled hawk, but if it tastes az i think it duz, i wouldn't ask for a seckond plate ov it.

THE HAWK.

The hawk iz a karniverous foul, and a chickiniverous one too, every good chance he kan git.

I hav seen them shut up their wings, and drop doun out ov the skey, like a destroying angel, and pick up a yung goslin in each hand, and sore aloft agin pretty quick.

They bild their nests out ov the reach ov civilizashun, so that no mishionary kan git to them, unless he kan klimb well.

Powder and double B shot, iz the only thing that will civilize a hawk clear through, so that he will stay so, and it takes a big charge ov this too.

I have fired a double-barrelled gun into them, loaded with fine shot, and it had the same exilirating effekt on them, that 4 quarts ov oats would hav, on an old hoss, it made them more lively for a fu minnits.

I hav seen ded hawks, but i never shed enny tears over them.

I dont surpose that even hen hawks are made in vain, but i hav wondered, if just enuff ov them, tew preserve an a.s.sortment, wouldn't answer.

THE MEDDO MOLE.

The meddo mole iz either a small rat, or a big mouse, i dont kno which.

They hav some soft, silken fur, and dig in the ground for a living.

They kan bore a hole in the ground fazter than a 2 inch augur kan, and kan travel klear akrost a 10 aker lot, in one night, and never c.u.m once tew the surface.

They dont have enny eyes, but see with their ears, and kan see more without seeing anything, than enny rat in amerika.

How a meddo mole kan see with their ears iz one ov naturs misterys, and natur luvs misterys, it iz the misterys ov natur that makes mankind respektful.

If natur showed all the kards she held in her hand most enny boddy would think they could beat her.

But natur makes us guess at about one-half we know, and then laffs at us, in her sleeve, bekauze we dont git it right.

I dont kno whether meddo moles are an accredited artikle ov diet or not, i never hav seen their names registered on enny bill of fare, in our grate hotels spelt in english, but thare iz so mutch meat fixings with french, and dutch names on the bills, that they may be thar.

I dont kno how meddo moles are spelt in dutch.

A meddo mole mite eat fust rate in dutch, and be kussid common vittles in english.

THE POSSUM.

The possum iz a fello ov the Southern and Western States. He owns a sharp noze, a keen eye, a lean head, a phat boddy, and a poor tail.

He enjoys roots, chickens, gra.s.s, eggs, green korn, and little mice, and eats what he steals, and steals what he eats.

Hiz boddy is kivvered with a hairy kind ov phur, ov a dirty white complexion; hiz feet and fingers resemble the rackoon, hiz ears are a trifle smaller than the mules, and hiz tail iz az round az an eel, and az free from capilliaryness as the snaiks stummuk.

The possum's tail bothers me. I hav looked at it bi the hour; i hav studdyed it, and tried tew pa.r.s.e it; i hav figgered on it az cluss az i would a proposishun in Euklid; i hav hung over it az fondly az a kemist; i hav fretted and wondered, hav got mad, wept and swore, and kant tell to this day whi a possum should hav a hairless caudel.

If some philosophik mind, out ov a present job, will explain this tale to me, and sho me the mercy ov it, i will explain to him, free from cost, the pucker ov the persimmon, or the vital importance thare iz in being bolegged, two misterys which are only known to the Billings family.

The possum iz a lonesum and joyless vagabond, living just near enuff to the smoke ov a chimbly tew pick up a transient goslin or a ten dollar bill, or ennything else that aint stuck fast.

Thare iz only one man in this visionary world who seems tew hav an affinity, ov a moral natur, for the possum, and that iz a darkey. They are the n.i.g.g.e.r's poultry and roast lamb.

The possum, in poor condishun, is az phull ov phatt as a tallo kandle in the month ov august, but having et possum miself, and biled awl from necessity, i am full ov the opinyun that between the two mi choice would be never agin to take either.

Possums alwus hav twins when they hav ennything, and sumtimes an extra one, and they suckle their yung on an entire different princ.i.p.al from the goose.

Their skins are a subject of traffick, and are worth in market from nine to ten cents a piece, provided the tail is amputated. A possum's tail iz not only worthless, but iz a damage to any enterprizing man.

Theze skins are colored and made into mink m.u.f.fs, and sold for twenty-five dollars a head, tew thoze whoze early edukashun has bin neglekted.

Thare iz only one thing about a possum's skin different from a hoss hide, they don't shed their hair, evry hair is drove in and clinched on tuther side.

Possum's hav butiful white natral teeth, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a kow hide boot iz ov shu pegs.

But say what yu will about theze comick geniuses ov natur, they hav got two things that they own and no other animul, feathered, or hairy, possesses them so mutch.

I mean tuffness and cunning.