The Comedy of Errors Part 5

_Dro. S._ Certain ones, then.

_Ant. S._ Name them. 95

_Dro. S._ The one, to save the money that he spends in tr.i.m.m.i.n.g; the other, that at dinner they should not drop in his porridge.

_Ant. S._ You would all this time have proved there is no time for all things. 100

_Dro. S._ Marry, and did, sir; namely, no time to recover hair lost by nature.

_Ant. S._ But your reason was not substantial, why there is no time to recover.

_Dro. S._ Thus I mend it: Time himself is bald, and 105 therefore to the world's end will have bald followers.

_Ant. S._ I knew 'twould be a bald conclusion: But, soft! who wafts us yonder?

_Enter ADRIANA and LUCIANA._

_Adr._ Ay, ay, Antipholus, look strange and frown: Some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects; 110 I am not Adriana nor thy wife.

The time was once when thou unurged wouldst vow That never words were music to thine ear, That never object pleasing in thine eye, That never touch well welcome to thy hand, 115 That never meat sweet-savour'd in thy taste, Unless I spake, or look'd, or touch'd, or carved to thee.

How comes it now, my husband, O, how comes it, That thou art then estranged from thyself?

Thyself I call it, being strange to me, 120 That, undividable, incorporate, Am better than thy dear self's better part.

Ah, do not tear away thyself from me!

For know, my love, as easy mayst thou fall A drop of water in the breaking gulf, 125 And take unmingled thence that drop again, Without addition or diminishing, As take from me thyself, and not me too.

How dearly would it touch thee to the quick, Shouldst thou but hear I were licentious, 130 And that this body, consecrate to thee, By ruffian l.u.s.t should be contaminate!

Wouldst thou not spit at me and spurn at me, And hurl the name of husband in my face, And tear the stain'd skin off my harlot-brow, 135 And from my false hand cut the wedding-ring, And break it with a deep-divorcing vow?

I know thou canst; and therefore see thou do it.

I am possess'd with an adulterate blot; My blood is mingled with the crime of l.u.s.t: 140 For if we two be one, and thou play false, I do digest the poison of thy flesh, Being strumpeted by thy contagion.

Keep, then, fair league and truce with thy true bed; I live distain'd, thou undishonoured. 145

_Ant. S._ Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not: In Ephesus I am but two hours old, As strange unto your town as to your talk; Who, every word by all my wit being scann'd, Wants wit in all one word to understand. 150

_Luc._ Fie, brother! how the world is changed with you!

When were you wont to use my sister thus?

She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.

_Ant. S._ By Dromio?

_Dro. S._ By me? 155

_Adr._ By thee; and this thou didst return from him, That he did buffet thee, and, in his blows, Denied my house for his, me for his wife.

_Ant. S._ Did you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman?

What is the course and drift of your compact? 160

_Dro. S._ I, sir? I never saw her till this time.

_Ant. S._ Villain, thou liest; for even her very words Didst thou deliver to me on the mart.

_Dro. S._ I never spake with her in all my life.

_Ant. S._ How can she thus, then, call us by our names, 165 Unless it be by inspiration.

_Adr._ How ill agrees it with your gravity To counterfeit thus grossly with your slave, Abetting him to thwart me in my mood!

Be it my wrong you are from me exempt, 170 But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt.

Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine: Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine, Whose weakness, married to thy stronger state, Makes me with thy strength to communicate: 175 If aught possess thee from me, it is dross, Usurping ivy, brier, or idle moss; Who, all for want of pruning, with intrusion Infect thy sap, and live on thy confusion.

_Ant. S._ To me she speaks; she moves me for her theme: 180 What, was I married to her in my dream?

Or sleep I now, and think I hear all this?

What error drives our eyes and ears amiss?

Until I know this sure uncertainty, I'll entertain the offer'd fallacy. 185

_Luc._ Dromio, go bid the servants spread for dinner.

_Dro. S._ O, for my beads! I cross me for a sinner.

This is the fairy land;--O spite of spites!

We talk with goblins, owls, and sprites: If we obey them not, this will ensue, 190 They'll suck our breath, or pinch us black and blue.

_Luc._ Why pratest thou to thyself, and answer'st not?

Dromio, thou drone, thou snail, thou slug, thou sot!

_Dro. S._ I am transformed, master, am I not?

_Ant. S._ I think thou art in mind, and so am I. 195

_Dro. S._ Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.

_Ant. S._ Thou hast thine own form.

_Dro. S._ No, I am an ape.

_Luc._ If thou art chang'd to aught, 'tis to an a.s.s.

_Dro. S._ 'Tis true; she rides me, and I long for gra.s.s.

'Tis so, I am an a.s.s; else it could never be 200 But I should know her as well as she knows me.

_Adr._ Come, come, no longer will I be a fool, To put the finger in the eye and weep, Whilst man and master laughs my woes to scorn.

Come, sir, to dinner. Dromio, keep the gate. 205 Husband, I'll dine above with you to-day, And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks.

Sirrah, if any ask you for your master, Say he dines forth, and let no creature enter.

Come, sister. Dromio, play the porter well. 210

_Ant. S._ Am I in earth, in heaven, or in h.e.l.l?

Sleeping or waking? mad or well-advised?

Known unto these, and to myself disguised!

I'll say as they say, and persever so, And in this mist at all adventures go. 215

_Dro. S._ Master, shall I be porter at the gate?

_Adr._ Ay; and let none enter, lest I break your pate.